Ukujabulisa Abantu: Kungani Uthi Yebo Ngenkathi Uqonde Cha

Kukhona umzuzwana omncane iningi labajabulisi babantu abaliwazi ngenhliziyo. Othile ucela into. Uzwa ucha lukhuphuka esifubeni sakho, lucacile luqinisekile. Bese uzizwa uthi yebo noma kunjalo, ngezwi elikhanyayo, elilula, sengathi akulutho.

Kamuva uyakudlala futhi. Uzibuza ukuthi kungani ubungakwazi ukwethembeka nje. Uzithembisa ukuthi isikhathi esizayo sizoba ngesihlukile. Bese isikhathi esizayo sifika, kanti ucha luyaphunyuka futhi ngaphambi kokuba ulubambe.

Uma lokho kujwayelekile, usekamelweni eligcwele kakhulu. Ukujabulisa abantu akuwona amaphutha esimilo noma ukuntuleka kwamandla entando. Kuyiphethini owaba muhle kuyo, ngokuvamile kudala ngaphambi kokuba ube nezwi endabeni. Futhi njengezinto eziningi owaba muhle kuzo ngaphansi kwengcindezi, kungenzeka ukukukhulela uma usuqonda ukuthi kwenzani ngempela kuwe.

Yini ngempela ukujabulisa abantu

Abaningi bethu sicabanga umjabulisi wabantu njengomuntu omnene nje kakhulu. Ophanayo, ohlanganisayo, olula ukuba naye. Yilokho okungaphezulu. Ngaphansi, injini ngokuvamile ukwesaba, hhayi umusa, ukukhathazeka okuthule kokuthi uma udumaza othile, kukhona okubi okuzolandela. Uthando olususwayo. Intukuthelo. Ibanga. Ukubonwa njengonzima, noma ozicabangelayo, noma odlulele.

Umusa wangempela unobunjalo obukhululekile. Uyanika ngoba uyafuna, futhi ubungathi cha ngaphandle kokuba wonke umuzwa wakho wokuphepha untengantenge. Ukujabulisa abantu akuzizwa kukhululekile. Kuzizwa kuphoqelekile. Uthi yebo ngoba enye indlela izwakala iyingozi, ngisho noma, ephepheni, kungekho okuyingozi okwenzekayo nhlobo.

I-Cleveland Clinic idweba umugqa owusizo lapha. Ukucabangela abanye kunempilo futhi kungokobuntu. Ukujabulisa abantu kuwela enkingeni uma udela izidingo zakho njalo kangangokuthi inhlalakahle yakho iqala ukuguguleka, uma uzizwa usetshenzisiwe, ukhonondile, noma umatasa kakhulu ngokuphatha imizwa yabo bonke abanye kangangokuthi usulahlekelwe okwakho.

Umkhuba uvelaphi

Akekho onquma ukuba umjabulisi wabantu. Uzivumelanisela kuwo, ngokuvamile njengengane, endaweni lapho ukugcina ukuthula kwakuzwakala kuyisenzo esihlakaniphile.

Mhlawumbe umoya womzali wawuqhuba yonke indlu, futhi wafunda ukufunda isimo sezulu kusenesikhathi bese uzivumelanisa ngaphambi kokushaya kwesiphepho. Mhlawumbe uthando lwalubonakala lufika kuphela lapho umuhle, usiza, uthule, ulula. Mhlawumbe wawuyilowo ozinzile emndenini owawuphethwe kwenye indawo, futhi ukungabi nankinga kwakuyindlela owazuza ngayo indawo yakho. Odokotela bakhomba ubungane obabunqetshezwe ukungqubuzana, ukunganakwa, noma ukuphoqeleka ukuphatha umuntu omdala ongabikezeleki njengenhlabathi evamile yale phethini.

Kukhona inguqulo ethize yalokhu efanele ukuqanjwa. Odokotela bengqondo bachaza izimpendulo ezine eziyisisekelo ebungozini: ukulwa, ukubaleka, ukujwayela, neyesine, ukuncenga (fawn). Udokotela wengqondo uPete Walker uvame ukubalwa ngokwenza leli gama laziwe. Ukuncenga yimpendulo yokuthoba-nokuhlanganisa. Lapho ukuzimela kwakungaphephile nokubaleka kungenakwenzeka, wasinda ngokuba yinoma yini omunye umuntu ayekudinga ukuba yiyo. Waba umjabulisi, osizayo, ovumelanayo. Wazenza ube lula ukuba naye ukuze ubungozi budlule.

Lokho ukuzivumelanisa okuhlakaniphile, hhayi isici. Ingane efunda ukududuza umuntu omdala oguqukayo yenza into enekhono ngempela. Inkinga ukuthi uhlelo lwezinzwa aluyitholi imbiko lapho ingozi isiphelile. Ngakho i-reflex efanayo eyakuvikela useneminyaka eyisishiyagalombili isavutha usuneminyaka engamashumi amathathu nesishiyagalombili, emhlanganweni, emlayezweni, lapho umngane ecela usizo ongenandawo yalo.

Indlela yokwazi ukuthi kuphethe impilo yakho

Ukuhlanganisa okuncane kuyingxenye yokuba umuntu ofanele. Nazi izimpawu zokuthi kuweleke entweni ekubiza:

• Ukuthi cha kuzwakala kucishe kunzima ngokomzimba, ngisho nasezintweni ezincane onelungelo elipheleleyo lokuzenqaba.
• Uyavuma izinhlelo, imisebenzi yomusa, nomsebenzi owengeziwe, bese ukhonondela buthule khona abantu othe yebo kubo.
• Umoya wakho uncike ekutheni abantu abakuzungezile babonakala bejabuliswe nguwe yini.
• Uyaxolisa kakhulu, kufaka phakathi ngezinto ezingezona zakho ukuxolisa ngazo.
• Uvame ukungazi ngempela ukuthi ufunani, ngoba ulaliswe kakhulu kulokho abanye abakufunayo.
• Ukungqubuzana, ngisho ukungavumelani okuncane, kudlulisa ukwesaba kuwe.

Akukho kulokhu okukwenza uphukile. Kukwenza ube umuntu onohlelo lwesexwayiso oluhlelelwe intokomalo yabanye abantu. Lokho kungahlelwa kabusha.

Ukuthi cha ngaphandle kokushisa yonke into

Izindaba ezinhle ukuthi indlela yokuphuma iyikhono elifanayo, elenziwa ngendlela ephambene. Wazifundisa ukweqa ucha lwakho. Ungazifundisa ukuluhlonipha, kancane, ngezilinganiso ezincane nezisindekayo.

Qala okuncane ngamabomu. Akudingeki uqale ngobudlelwano obunzima kakhulu empilweni yakho. Isithombe se-Cleveland Clinic salokhu sinomusa futhi silungile ncamashi: kunjengokungena kancane echibini elibandayo esikhundleni sokugxumela ekujuleni. Zijwayeze ukwenqaba isivivinyo samahhala, isabelo sesibili, isimemo ongasifuni. Vumela uhlelo lwakho lwezinzwa luqoqe ubufakazi bokuthi ucha oluncane aluqedi umhlaba.

Zithengele umzuzwana. Abajabulisi babantu baphendula ngokushesha, ngoba ukungakhululeki kwesicelo kunamandla kakhulu kangangokuthi uyebo yiyona ndlela esheshayo yokwenza kume. Ngakho yehlisa iwashi. "Ake ngibheke ngibuye kuwe" ngumusho ophelele, ohloniphekile. Uphula i-reflex bese unika impendulo yangempela umzuzwana wokuvela.

Gcina ucha lwakho lucacile lufushane. Awukweleti isigaba sokuzithethelela. I-NHS, esiqondisweni sayo sokuzethemba, yenza iphuzu elifanele ukuligcina: abantu abanokuzethemba okuphansi bavame ukuzizwa kufanele bathi yebo ngisho noma bengafuni, kanti ukuthi cha, isikhathi esiningi, empeleni akubulimazi ubudlelwano. Ucha olufudumele, olusobala "angikwazi ukukuthatha lokho okwamanje" ngokuvamile lufinyelela kangcono kunenqwaba yamazaba. Ukuchaza ngokweqile kumema ukuxoxisana. Ucha oluhlanzekile luvala umnyango ngomusa.

Sebenzisa izitatimende ezisobala ezithi "ngi." "Angikwazi ukwenza ngoMgqibelo." "Ngidinga ukuhamba ngesithupha." "Lokho angikho kwazi ukukwenza." Usho isimo sakho, hhayi ukumangalela muntu. I-Mayo Clinic yakha ukuzimela ngale ndlela ncamashi, njengokuziveza ngqo nangokwethembeka usahlonipha omunye umuntu. Ukuzimela akukona ubudlova. Kuyiqiniso nje, elishiwo ngamazwi.

Lindela unembeza, ungawulaleli. Ucha oluthembekile lokuqala luzozwakala lubi. Lowo muzwa omubi akuwona uphawu lokuthi wenze okubi. Yisexwayiso esidala esikhala ngoba wephule umthetho omdala. Unembeza, lapha, kakhulu yizindleko zokushintsha nje. Wuvumele ube khona. Sho ucha lwakho noma kunjalo. Umuzwa udamba ngokushesha kunalokho obungacabanga, futhi njalo lapho usinda kuwo, olulandelayo luba lula kancane.

Qaphela ukuthi ubani oxwayayo. Njengoba uqala ukubeka imingcele, naka ukuthi abantu basabela kanjani. Iningi lizozivumelanisa ngaphandle komsindo omningi. Abanye, labo ababejwayele ukuthi ungabi namaphethelo, bangase baphikise. Leyo mpendulo iwulwazi, hhayi ubufakazi bokuthi wenze into enonya. Umngcele ocasula kuphela abantu abazuza ekungabini nawo ngokuvamile ngumngcele okufanele uwugcine.

Yini oyibuyisayo ngempela

Kuyasiza ukukhumbula ukuthi yini ekolunye uhlangothi lwalokhu, ngoba umsebenzi ungazwakala, ekuqaleni, njengokuba umngane omubi kakhulu.

Kuyinto ephambene. Ukukhononda yikho okubola buthule ubudlelwano, futhi ukukhononda yikho iminyaka yocha olungashiwongo ekukhiqizayo. Uma ungathi cha ngokwethembeka, uyebo wakho ekugcineni usho okuthile. Abantu bathola wena wangempela esikhundleni somdlalo ocophelelayo wakho. Uyeka ukugcina incwadi ethule yakho konke owakunika ungakaze ukuncomelwe. Futhi amandla owawachitha uqapha umoya wabo bonke abanye ayabuya kuwe, ukuwachitha ezintweni nabantu obakhethayo ngempela.

Kukhona wena ozinze kakhulu ngaphansi komkhuba. Ukuzimela, uma kwenziwa, kuvame ukwakha ukuzihlonipha esikhundleni sokukukhipha, futhi ukuhlonishwa abanye kuvame ukulandela. Uba umuntu ozwi lakhe lithembekile, ngoba uyebo wakho ungowangempela nocha lwakho lungolwangempela, futhi abantu bangagcina bebona umehluko.

Nini ufune usekelo olwengeziwe

Okunye ukujabulisa abantu kuwumkhuba nje ongawuncipha wedwa. Okunye kwako kujule kakhulu, ikakhulukazi lapho kwakhula kusuka ekulinyazweni kwangempela, ekunganakweni, noma ebudlelwaneni lapho kwakungaphephile ngempela ukuba nezidingo.

Uma ukuzama ukubeka ngisho imingcele emincane kukugcwalisa ukwesaba, uma iphethini iboshelwe ezinkumbulweni ezibuhlungu, noma uma uqhubeka ugcina ubudlelwaneni lapho unika konke bese ulahleka, lokho kufanele ukulethwa kudokotela wengqondo. Lokhu akulona uphawu lokuthi wehlulekile ekuzisizeni. Udokotela omuhle, ikakhulukazi oqonda ukulimala, angakusiza ulandele lapho i-reflex yaqala khona wakhe izimpendulo ezintsha ngesivinini uhlelo lwakho lwezinzwa olungakwazi ukubhekana nalo. Ukufinyelela usizo olunjalo ngokwako kuyisenzo sokubeka izidingo zakho ohlwini, mhlawumbe okokuqala esikhathini eside.

Wafunda ukuthi yebo ngenkathi uqonde cha ngoba, kwesinye isikhathi, kwakugcina uphephile. Uvunyelwe ukufunda okusha manje. Izidingo zakho azange zibe yinkinga. Zichithe nje isikhathi eside zilinde ukuba uzibale.

Imithombo

• Cleveland Clinic, Signs You're a People-Pleaser, and How To Stop
• Mayo Clinic, Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better
• NHS, Raising low self-esteem
• Psychology Today, What Is the Fawning Trauma Response?