Indlela Yokwakha Kabusha Ukwethemba Ngemva Kokuba Kuphukile

Ukwethemba kungenye yalezo zinto ongazinaki kuze kube kuhambile. Ucabanga ukuthi umlingani wakho ukhona lapho ethi ukhona. Ucabanga ukuthi umngane oboleke imali uzoyikhokha. Uthatha njengokuvamile ukuthi abantu abaseduze nawe cishe bayilokho abazethula ngakho. Bese kuvela okuthile okuqhekeza lowo mcabango, kuthi ngokuzumayo usufunda kabusha imilayezo emidala, ungabaza izincazelo ezijwayelekile, ulale uphapheme wenza izibalo ngendaba engasavumelani.

Leso simo esibuhlungu, esiqaphile siyakhathaza. Futhi sijwayelekile. Uma ukwethemba kuphuka, ubuchopho bakho buyeka ukuphatha ubudlelwane njengobuphephile bese buqala ukubuphatha njengengozi okumele iqashwe. Awukho pharanoya noma buthakathaka. Usabela ngendlela umuntu asabela ngayo uma into ayethembele kuyo iphenduka ingathembekile.

Iqiniso elinzima ukuthi ukwethemba ngezinye izikhathi kungakhiwa kabusha, kodwa hhayi ngokushesha futhi hhayi ngokukufuna ngamandla ngokwanele. Kwakhiwa kabusha ngohlobo oluthile lomsebenzi, owenziwa ngabantu bobabili, esikhathini esivame ukuba side kunalokho noma ubani wabo angathanda. Lokhu akusona isithembiso sokuthi bonke ubudlelwane kufanele busindiswe. Obunye akufanele. Kuwumephu walokho okudingwa ngempela ukulungisa kweqiniso, ukuze unqume ngokucacile ukuthi kufanele yini ukuzama nokuthi kuyasebenza yini.

Kuyini ngempela ukwethemba

Kuyasiza ukuba nokunemba ngalokho okuphukile, ngoba lokho kukutshela ukuthi yini okumele yakhiwe kabusha.

Ukwethemba akuwona umuzwa ofudumele. Kungukubikezela. Uma wethemba umuntu, ubheja ngokuthulile ukuthi ungaba sengozini eduze kwakhe futhi ngeke akusebenzise ngokumelene nawe. Wehlisa isivikelo sakho ngoba umlando wakho nalowo muntu uthi kuphephile. Ukwephulwa yilokho okwenzeka lapho ukubikezela kuphenduka kungalungile, lapho udalulwa futhi kwakubiza. Ngemva kwalokho, ingqondo yakho yenza into enengqondo bese iyeka ukubheja. Ukuqapha okuzwayo yisisombululo sakho sokubikezela esenqaba ukukhipha isiqinisekiso esingasenayo idatha yokusisekela.

Lokho kubuka ngenye indlela kususa okunye kokuhlazeka kukho. Awukwazi nje ukunquma ukwethemba futhi, ngendlela efanayo ongeke unqume ukukholwa ukuthi umgwaqo uphephile ngokushesha ngemva kokuba ubhidlike ngaphansi kwakho. Inkolelo kufanele iphinde izuzwe ngobufakazi obusha, obuphindaphindiwe. Okusho ukuthi ukulungisa akuyona ikakhulukazi isenzakalo somzwelo. Kuwukunqwabelana kancane kobufakazi, futhi ubufakazi buthatha isikhathi ukuqoqwa.

Kungani u"ngiyaxolisa" ungenele wodwa

Ukuxolisa kubalulekile. Kumane kungeke kuthwale umthwalo wonke.

Abacwaningi bakufunde ngqo lokhu. Ohlelweni lokuhlola oludumile, usosayikholoji uPeter Kim nozakwabo bathola ukuthi ukuthi ukuxolisa kuyakulungisa yini ukwethemba kuxhomeke kakhulu ekutheni kwakuwuhlobo luni lokwephulwa. Uma ukwephula kumayelana namakhono, iphutha, ukuwisa ibhola, ukwahlulela okungalungile, ukuxolisa kuvame ukusiza, ngoba kukhombisa ukuthi umuntu uyakuqonda okonakele futhi uhlose ukwenza kangcono. Kodwa uma ukwephula kumayelana nobuqotho, amanga, ukukhaphela, ukwephula imithetho ngamabomu, amazwi wodwa enza okuncane kakhulu. Abantu basola ngokufanele ukuthi umuntu okhethe ukukhohlisa kanye angakhetha ukukwenza futhi, futhi ukuxolisa akukuxazululi lokho kusola.

Kukhona okutholakele kwesibili okufanele ukucabangisisa ngakho. Kulo lonke ucwaningo ngokulungisa ukwethemba, ngisho nokuxolisa okuhle ngokuvamile akukubuyiseli ukwethemba kuze kuye lapho kwakukhona ngaphambi kokwephulwa. Lokho kungazwakala kukhungathekisa. Kufunde ngenye indlela: ukwethemba akusona iswishi ephinde ivuleke ngesikhathi ukuxolelwa kunikezwa. Kuyizinga elikhwela kancane, ngamandla obufakazi. Ukuxolisa kuvula umnyango. Lokho okwenzayo ngemva kwalokho yilokho okungena kuwo.

Uma kunguwe owakwephula

Lesi yisihlalo esinzima ukuhlala kuso ngokwethembeka, ngoba yonke into ngaphakathi kwakho ifuna ukungakhululeki kuphele. Ukukusheshisa yiyona ndlela evame kakhulu abantu abakwenza ngayo kube kubi kakhulu.

Umugqa ohamba phakathi eselulekweni sezokwelapha, kusukela emsebenzini we-Mayo Clinic wokululama ngemva kokuphinga kuya ocwaningweni lwe-Gottman Institute ngezithandani, ukuthi ukwakha kabusha kuqala ngokuvuma ngokugcwele, hhayi ukuvuma okwengxenye. Izinto ezimbalwa ezishukumisa ngempela:

• Kuqede, ngokuphelele, noma ngabe "kuyini." Uma kunokuphinga, i-akhawunti eyimfihlo, amanga aqhubekayo, kuyama, ngokugcwele, kungasali mgudu wangasese ovuliwe. Ukwethemba akukwazi ukukhula phezu kokukhaphela okuqhubekayo.
• Thwala sonke isisindo saso. Vuma lokho okwenzile ngaphandle kokwengeza okuncane kokuzivikela, u"kodwa wawukude," u"kwakungasho lutho." Izizathu zingaba semqoka kamuva. Kuqala, umuntu olimele udinga ukuzwa ukuthi uyaqonda kahle lokho okwenze kuye, nokuthi awumceli ukuba akuphathele icala lakho.
• Bekezelela imibuzo yabo. Umbuzo ofanayo ungabuya izikhathi eziyishumi nambili. Lokho kuphindaphinda akukhona ukukujezisa. Yisimiso semizwa esilimele esihlola, futhi, ukuthi umhlabathi uqinile yini. Izimpendulo ezizinzile, ezineqiniso, ezingazivikeli ziyingxenye yomuthi.
• Yenza iqiniso libe lula ukuqinisekiswa. Nikeza ukusobala ngaphambi kokuba kufunwe. Lapho ukhona, ukanye nobani, okwenzekayo ngento ephukile. Lokhu kuzwakala kungakhululekile, ngisho nokuthobeka. Lokho kufanelekile. Isikhashana, ukungaguquki kwakho kufanele kubonakale, ngoba omunye umuntu akasakwazi ukukucabanga nje.

Isexwayiso esisodwa. Ukusobala okunikezwa njengobufakazi kuwukulungisa. Ukusobala okufunwa njengokuqashwa okungapheli, okungenayo indlela yokuthi kwehle, kuyisimo esihlukile, futhi umeluleki angasiza nina nobabili nikuxazulule ngobulungisa.

Uma kunguwe owalinyazwa

Awukweletwa muntu isikhathi esimisiwe sokwethemba kwakho. Kubuya lapho kubuya khona, futhi ucwaningo lucacile ukuthi kuvame ukubuya kancane. Uvunyelwe ukuqhubeka uzwa ubuhlungu isikhathi eside ngemva kokuba omunye umuntu ezizwa esexolise ngokwanele.

Iseluleko se-Cleveland Clinic somlingani olimele siqala endaweni abantu abavame ukuyeqa: ziphathe ngomusa ngisho ngokuzama nje lokhu. Ukukhetha ukusebenza ebudlelwaneni ngemva kokuba bukulimazile kudinga umzamo wangempela, futhi uzokwenza kangcono uma ungazishayi nangokungakabi "phezu kwako" okwamanje.

Izinto ezimbalwa ezisiza kulolu hlangothi:

• Yisho lokho okudingayo ngempela manje, ngokuzwakalayo, ngamagama acacile. Omunye umuntu akakwazi ukwakha kabusha ngokumelene nezinga angakwazi ukulibona. "Ngidinga ukwazi uma amasu eshintsha" kuyasebenza. Ukulindela ngokuthula ukuthi bazovele bakuzwe akusebenzi.
• Beka imingcele emisha ekusiza uzizwe uphephile, futhi qaphela ukuthi lokhu kuvunyelwe ukuba kuhluke kunakuqala. Kukhona okushintshile. Isivumelwano singashintsha nakho.
• Bheka izenzo zabo ngokuhamba kwesikhathi ngaphezu kwamazwi abo ngaleso sikhathi. Amazwi ashibhile ngokushesha ngemva kokwephulwa. Iphethini yokugcwalisa isikhathi eside amasonto nezinyanga yiyona mpawu yangempela. Ukwethemba kuyisigwebo osifinyelela ngobufakazi, hhayi isipho onephoqelekile ukusinikeza.
• Vikela ukuma kwakho. Ubuthongo, abantu abakukhathalelayo, izinto ezikuzinzisa. Awukwazi ukuhlola ubudlelwane ngokucacile usuke uphelelwe amandla ngokuphelele.

Ukuxolela, uma kufika, kuyinto oyenzela ngokwengxenye inkululeko yakho. Akudingi ukuba ukhohlwe, uyeke wonke umngcele, noma wenze sengathi inxeba alizange lenzeke.

Kuyasiza futhi ukugcina izinto ezimbili zihlukene ezivame ukudideka. Ukuxolela kuyinto eyenzeka ngaphakathi kwakho, ukudedela ukubamba inzondo enakho empilweni yakho. Ukubuyisana ukwakha kabusha ubudlelwane ngokwabo, futhi kudinga abantu ababili beshintsha indlela abavela ngayo. Ungaxolela umuntu kodwa usanquma ukungakhi kabusha naye. Ungakhetha futhi ukwakha kabusha ngaphambi kokuba ukuxolela kufike ngokugcwele, ukuvumele kufinyelele njengoba ubufakazi bufika. Akukho odwa kulolu hlelo olungalungile. Inkinga iqala kuphela lapho umuntu ephatha ukuxolela kwakho njengemvume ezenzakalelayo yokweqa ukwakha kabusha, sengathi ukuxolelwa nokwethenjwa kuyinto eyodwa. Akunjalo, futhi awudingi ukwenza sengathi kunjalo.

Ukulungisa kubukeka kanjani ngempela usuku nosuku

Khohlwa isenzo esikhulu esibukwayo. Ukwethemba okwakhiwe kabusha kwenziwe yizikhathi ezincane, ezidinayo, eziphindaphindiwe lapho umuntu enza lokho athe uzokwenza.

I-Gottman Institute ihlela ukululama kwezithandani ngokunyakaza okuthathu: ukubuyisana, ukuzwana, ukunamathelana. Kuqala umuntu odale ukulimala ukuvuma ngokugcwele futhi amunce imiphumela ngaphandle kokuzivikela. Bese abantu bobabili basebenza ukuqondana futhi, ukwesaba nezidingo ezingaphansi kokungqubuzana, ngokuvamile ngengxoxo ehlelekile ebeka esikhundleni sokusola u"nakhu engikuzwile." Ngemva kwesikhathi kuphela lapho ukusondelana kwangempela kubuya. Uhlelo lubalulekile. Awukwazi ukweqela ekuzizweni usondelene ngenkathi inxeba lisavuliwe futhi lingalungisiwe.

Ngaphansi kwako konke kukhona okuthile okulula nokungasheshi: ukubhekana omunye komunye ezikhathini ezijwayelekile. Ukuphendula isicelo esincane sokunakwa. Ukugcina isithembiso esincane. Ukuba lapho othe uzoba khona. Akukho kokuwodwa okuhlaba umxhwele kokuwodwa. Kunqwatshelwene izinyanga, kuyindlela isimiso semizwa somuntu esifunda kabusha kancane ukuthi lobu budlelwane buphephile futhi.

Lindela ukuthi kungalingani. Kuzoba nesonto elihle bese kuba nosuku olunzima lapho ukwesaba okudala kubuya kubhonga ngenxa yento encane. Lokho kubuyela emuva kuyingxenye yesimo esijwayelekile sokuphola, hhayi ubufakazi bokuthi kuyahluleka.

Ingxoxo yokuqala yangempela

Izithandani eziningi ziyabhajwa ngoba izingxoxo zokuqala ziphenduka inkantolo, umuntu oyedwa eshushisa, umuntu oyedwa ezivikela, akekho ophephe kangcono ngemva kwalokho. Isimo esiwusizo kakhulu sishwesha kancane futhi sincane. Khetha isikhathi esizolile, hhayi maphakathi nempi. Kwenze kufushane. Umuntu olimele uchaza umthelela ngokohlangenwe nakho kwakhe, "lapho ngithola, ngayeka ukuzizwa ngiphephile ekhaya lami," kunohlu lwamacala. Umsebenzi wodwa womunye umuntu ngaleso sikhathi ukuwuthatha bese ewubonisa kabusha ngokunemba, ukufakazela ukuthi bawuzwile ngempela, ngaphambi kokunikeza noma yini enye.

Leli yikhono abacwaningi be-Gottman abalibiza ngokubhekana omunye komunye esikhundleni sokufulathelana. Kuzwakala kuthobekile. Kuwumehluko phakathi kwengxoxo eyehlisa izinga lokushisa neyona eliphakamisayo. Ngeke uxazulule konke engxoxweni eyodwa, futhi awuzami. Uzama ukukwenza kuphephe ngokwanele ukuba nengxoxo elandelayo.

Uma sekuyisikhathi sokuletha usizo

Omunye umsebenzi wokulungisa usinda kakhulu ukuthwalwa ngabantu ababili kuphela, futhi ukufinyelela usizo kuwuphawu lokuthi ukubheka lokhu njengokubalulekile.

Cabangela usizo lochwepheshe uma ukwephulwa kwahilela ukuphinga, ukukhohlisa okuqhubekayo, noma noma yini eyakushiya uzizwa ungaphephile; uma izimpi ezifanayo ziqhubeka zijikeleza kungabikho nqubekelaphambili; uma omunye wenu elokhu ezama ukukhuluma kanti omunye elokhu evala; noma uma ubuhlungu bungena ebuthongweni bakho, emsebenzini wakho, noma emqondweni wakho wokuthi ungubani. Umelaphi oqeqeshwe emsebenzini wezithandani noma wobudlelwane, njenge-Gottman noma ezinye izindlela ezisekelwe ubufakazi, angabamba isakhiwo abantu ababili abalimele abavame ukungakwazi ukuzibambela sona. I-Mayo Clinic ikhomba ngokuqondile izithandani ezilulama ekuphingeni ukuya kumeluleki onolwazi kulokho kanye.

Futhi ngicela ukuzwe lokhu ngokucacile. Uma ukwethemba okwephukile kufike nokuziphatha okulawulayo, ukwesabisa, noma ukwesabela ukuphepha kwakho, leyo akuyona inkinga yokwethemba engalungiswa ngokubekezela nangokusobala. Leso yisimo sokuphepha, futhi ufanelwe usizo oluyimfihlo olwakhelwe kona, hhayi isihloko sokuzisiza.

Awukho umthetho othi konke ukwethemba okwephukile kufanele kwakhiwe kabusha. Ngezinye izikhathi isinyathelo esineqiniso, esinempilo ukukulilela bese ukudedela. Kodwa uma abantu bobabili bezimisele ngempela ukwenza umsebenzi ohambayo kancane, ongakhangi, ubudlelwane buyabuya, futhi obunye buyabuya buzinze kunakuqala, ngoba kulesi sikhathi ukwethemba kwakhiwa ngamabomu, kubukwa yiwo wonke umuntu, ngamehlo avulekile.

Imithombo

• Mayo Clinic, Infidelity: Mending your marriage after an affair
• Cleveland Clinic, How To Rebuild Trust in Any Relationship
• The Gottman Institute, Reviving Trust After an Affair
• Kim, Ferrin, Cooper & Dirks, Removing the shadow of suspicion: the effects of apology versus denial for repairing competence- versus integrity-based trust violations (Journal of Applied Psychology)