Amathiphu asheshayo
- Phakamisa amehlo uma besho into encane.
- Bingelela uvalelise ngokwanga kwangempela.
- Buyela emuva uma uke wagqoloza.
Iqabane lakho liphakamisa amehlo lisuke efonini yalo lithi, "Ehhe. Bayabhidliza indawo endala yokudlela eseFifth." Wena usemaphakathi ne-imeyili. Ungabhonga ungaphakamisi amehlo. Ungathi "kuyadabukisa lokho, kufanele sidlule ngayo ngaphambi kokuba ihambe." Noma ungabubula uthi uzama ukugxila.
Izinketho ezintathu ezincane. Akukho neyodwa kuzo ezwakala iyinto enkulu. Yilelo kanye iphuzu. Izikhathi ezinjengalezi zenzeka izikhathi ezingamashumi ngosuku, futhi indlela oziphendula ngayo, ezinyangeni neminyaka, inquma ngokuthula ukuthi nina nobabili nisondelene kangakanani.
Abacwaningi uJohn noJulie Gottman banikeza lesi sikhathi esincane igama. Basibiza ngokuthi isicelo sokuxhumana. Isicelo yinoma yisiphi isenzo esincane umuntu asenzayo ukuthola ukunaka kwakho, uthando lwakho, noma nje umbani wokwamukelwa. "Bheka le nja." "Ulele kahle?" Isandla esiphumule ehlombe lakho njengoba edlula. Akukho kukho okuzimemezela njengokubalulekile. Yingakho kulula kangaka ukukugeja.
Isicelo siyini ngempela
Iningi lethu licabanga ngokuxhumana njengengxoxo ejulile, umgubho wonyaka, isikhathi lapho umuntu oyedwa ekugcineni esho into enzima ngokuzwakalayo. Lezo zibalulekile. Kodwa ziyivelakancane. Ukuxhumana okubamba ubudlelwano ndawonye ngempela kwenziwe ngezinto ezincane kakhulu, eziphindaphindwa njalo.
OGottman, abafunde imibhangqwana amashumi eminyaka elabhorethri yaseSeattle ebizwa ngokuthi iLove Lab, babiza isicelo ngokuthi "iyunithi eyisisekelo yokuxhumana ngokomzwelo." Esikhathini esisodwa sokubuka esidlweni sakusihlwa, imibhangqwana eyayenza kahle yenza cishe amakhulu ezicelo emizuzwini eyishumi. Yayifinyelelana cishe ngaphandle kokuma.
Isicelo singaba umbuzo, umbono, ukuthinta, ukubuka, umcabango ongaphelele ophonswe emoyeni. Ezinye zisobala ("singakhuluma?"). Eziningi azisobala. Iziningi izicelo zilibafayo, aziqondile, noma zenziwa ngesikhathi esingafanele. Umuntu onesizungu angase akhethe ukubanga ukulwa okuncane esikhundleni sokuthi "ngiyakukhumbula." Ngaphansi kwenani elimangazayo lokungezwani kunesicelo esingafikanga.
Ngakubo, kude, ngokumelene
Uma isicelo sifika, wenza okukodwa kwezinto ezintathu. OGottman baziqambile nazo lezi.
Ungaphendukela ngakuso. Uyaphendula. "Awu, bheka lokho." Akudingeki uyeke yonke into noma ube nempendulo ephelele. Ukunqekuzisa ikhanda, umbuzo ophindiselwayo, elisheshayo elithi "ngitshele okwengeziwe" konke kuyabalwa. Uthi: ngikuzwile, ngilapha.
Ungafulathela kuso. Hhayi ngokufuna ukona, ngokuvamile. Umatasa, uphazamisekile, usefonini yakho, ushone ngokujula ekhanda lakho. Awuqapheli, noma uyaqaphela bese uyakuyeka kudlule. Isicelo siyanyamalala nje. Umuntu osenzile akuvamile ukuba enze isiyaluyalu ngakho. Uzwa nje, kancane, sengathi welula isandla wahlangana nomoya.
Noma ungaphendukela ngokumelene naso. Yilesi esibukhali. "Awuboni yini ukuthi ngiyasebenza?" "Ungitshelelani lokhu?" Kuyimpendulo enokubukhali, futhi ihlaba kakhulu kunokuthula ngoba iphethe ukwenqatshwa.
Nakhu okutholakele okumele kwenze sonke sivuke. Lapho oGottman belandela abasanda kushada iminyaka eyisithupha, imibhangqwana eyayisahleli ndawonye yayiphendukela ezicelweni zomunye nomunye cishe amaphesenti angama-86 esikhathi. Imibhangqwana eyayihlukanisile yakwazi kuphela amaphesenti angama-33 esikhathi. Umehluko phakathi komshado owahlala nowahlakazeka wawungewona ubungako bezimpi. Kwakuwukuthi kukangaki, ezikhathini ezijwayelekile, umuntu ngamunye ephendula ukwelula okuncane komunye.
Izibalo ezihamba kancane zako
OGottman basebenzisa umfanekiso ocacile walokho okwenzeka ngaphansi: i-akhawunti yasebhange yomzwelo. Njalo lapho uphendukela esicelweni, ufaka imali encane. Fulathela, futhi i-akhawunti iyabhecuka. Phendukela ngokumelene, futhi ukhipha imali.
Akukho kufakwa okukodwa kwemali okushintsha okuningi. Yileyo nto okulula ukuyithatha kabi. Awulungisi ubudlelwano obucindezelekile ngesenzo esisodwa esikhulu, futhi awoni obuqinile ngokuba nengcosana ntambama embi. Yisamba esiqhubekayo esibalulekile, esakhelwe phezu kwezinkulungwane zokushintshana okuncane. Umbhangqwana one-akhawunti egcwele ungabhekana nesikhathi esinzima, ngoba kukhona isitokwe esijulile senhliziyo enhle yokudweba kuso. Umbhangqwana osebenza uphelelwe uzwa yonke into encane, ngoba akukho lutho okugciniwe.
Izindaba ezinhle ezithule kulokhu ukuthi izinga liphansi kangakanani. Awuceli ukuba ube umuntu oxhumana kangcono ngendlela ethile yobuqhawe. Ucelwa ukuphakamisa amehlo. Ukuphendula into encane. Njalonjalo. Isiqubulo soGottman ngakho cishe sithobekile ngendlela ehlekisayo: "izinto ezincane njalo."
Indlela yokubamba izicelo obuzigeja
Uma usola ukuthi ubulokhu ufulathela ungahlosile, nazi ezimbalwa izinto ezifanele ukuzama. Khetha eyodwa. Ungazami ukuguqula yonke into ngasikhathi sinye.
- Cabanga ukuthi kukhona isicelo esifihlekile lapho. Lapho umuntu wakho esho into encane noma engahlelekile, kuphathe njengesimemo esikhundleni sesibuyekezo sesimo. "Babhidliza indawo yokudlela" ngokuvamile akuphathelene nendawo yokudlela. Kuyisandla esivulekile. Sithathe.
- Yehlisa izinga lempendulo yakho. Awukweleti ingxoxo egcwele isikhathi ngasinye. Elithi "ehhe ngempela?" langempela, ukuxhumana ngamehlo, umbuzo olandelayo, lezi ziyizimpendulo eziphelele. Ukuphendukela okuncane kubalwa ngokulinganayo nokukhulu.
- Qaphela ifoni yakho. Izikrini yilapho iziningi izicelo zesimanje zifela khona ngokuthula. Akudingeki uvimbele amadivayisi. Vele ufunde ukuzwa ukudonsa kwesicelo ngokwanele ukuthi uphakamise amehlo kuwo.
- Nakekela ukungena nokuphuma. OGottman babeka isisindo sangempela emikhosini emincane emayelana nokuhamba nokuhlangana kabusha, ukuvalelisa, ukubingelela ekupheleni kosuku. Ukwanga noma ukuqabula kwemizuzwana eyisithupha, elithi ngempela "belunjani?" emnyango, lokhu kuyimali emincane ethembekile. Yakha owodwa bese uwuvumela uzenzakalele.
- Lungisa uma uphendukela ngokumelene. Uzothukuthela ngezinye izikhathi. Wonke umuntu uyakwenza. Okusizayo ukubuyela emuva: "Uxolo, benginokugqoloza kuwe ngaphambili, ubuzama nje ukukhuluma nami." Ukulungisa kuphendula ukukhishwa kwemali kube ukufakwa kwemali futhi, futhi kufundisa nina nobabili ukuthi isikhathi esigejiwe akusona ukuphela kwanoma yini.
Lokhu akukona okwamaqabane othando kuphela, phela. Izingane zicela ukuxhumana njalo, kanjalo nabangane, abazali, nabantu osebenza nabo. Isenzo esincane esifanayo, ukuphakamisa amehlo nokuphendula, sakha ukusondelana noma yikuphi lapho abantu befinyelelana khona.
Lapho ukungabikho kujula
Ngezinye izikhathi inkinga akuzona izicelo ezimbalwa ezigejiwe. Ngezinye izikhathi omunye noma bobabili sebeyekile ukucela nhlobo, ngoba ukwelula isandla sekuyekile ukuzwakala kuphephile noma kufanelekile. Lelo banga elithule, elizinzile, lapho nobabili senibhecukile futhi seniyekile ukuzama, kunzima kakhulu ukulilungisa ngaphakathi, futhi kufanele kuthathwe njengokubalulekile esikhundleni sokulinda kudlule.
Uma ukufudumala phakathi kwenu sekuphelile, uma izingxoxo seziphenduke zaba ukudelela noma ukuvimba, noma uma nje ningabonakali nithola indlela yokubuyelana kungakhathaliseki ukuthi zingaki izinto ezincane enizizamayo, udokotela wezengqondo wemibhangqwana omuhle angasiza. Ukufinyelela kulolo hlobo losizo akulona uphawu lokuthi ubudlelwano buhlulekile. Kuyisicelo sangempela sokuxhumana ngokwaso. Futhi uma noma yibuphi ubudlelwano empilweni yakho buhlanganisa ukwesaba, ukulawula, noma ukulimaza, leyo akuyona inkinga yokusondelana ozoyibhandela ngezenzo ezincane, kuwudaba lokuphepha, futhi ufanelwe usizo olwakhelwe lona.
Ubudlelwano obuningi, nokho, abuphukanga. Buvele bulambele kancane ukunakwa. Ukulungisa kuseduze kunalokho okubukeka. Kuyinto encane elandelayo umuntu wakho ayishoyo, nokuthi uyaphakamisa amehlo yini.
Sources
- The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
- The Gottman Institute, Small Actions Make Big Impacts
- The Gottman Institute, The Six Second Kiss
- Greater Good Magazine (UC Berkeley), Four Ways to Refresh Your Relationship