Indlela Yokuxhumana Kabusha Ngemva Kokuqhelelana

Akekho onquma ukuqhelelana. Alukho usuku lapho uvuka bese ukhetha ukuzizwa njengabahlala ndawonye, noma sengathi umngane owawumshayela ucingo nsuku zonke manje usungumuntu omthumela umlayezo ezinsukwini zokuzalwa. Kwenzeka ngaphansi kwezingxenye ezimatasa zempilo. Ukubuzana okuncane okuphuthelwe. Ubusuku obumbalwa lapho nobabili beniskrola nje. Izinyanga zokuba nenhlonipho esikhundleni sokusondelana. Bese ngolunye usuku ubheka ngaphesheya kwetafula, noma egameni ocingweni lwakho ongakalithinti onyakeni owodwa, bese uzwa igebe.

Uma uzwa lelo gebe khona manje, nakhu into yokuqala efanele ukushiwo: ukuqhelelana akusona isigwebo. Kuyincazelo yalapho izinto zikhona, hhayi isigwebo ngokuthi kufanele zihlale kuphi. Yona le nqubo ehamba kancane eyanidonsela kude ingaqhutshwa ngokuphambene. Kumele nje kwenziwe ngamabomu, ngoba akukho lutho ngempilo yanamuhla oluzokwenzela khona.

Le ndaba imayelana nokuthi ungaqala kanjani.

Kungani ukusondelana kuncipha kungekho olwayo

Ingxenye yalokho okwenza ukuqhelelana kudide kangaka ukuthi ngokuvamile akukho lutho olukhulu oluhambe kabi. Kwakungekho ukukhaphela, akukho ukuqhuma, akukho sizathu esicacile. Ngakho ulokhu ufuna imbangela ungayitholi, okwenza kube lula ukucabanga ukuthi inkinga ubudlelwane ngokwabo, noma wena, noma bona.

Isikhathi esiningi umbangi wangempela udinisa kakhulu. Ukuxhumana kwakhiwa ngezikhathi ezincane, eziphindaphindiwe zokunaka, futhi lapho lezo zikhathi zima, ukuxhumana kulamba ngokuthulile.

Usosayikholoji uJohn Gottman uchithe amashumi eminyaka ebuka izithandani efulethini locwaningo, futhi okunye kokutholakele kwakhe okucashunwa kakhulu kumayelana nento ayibiza ngokuthi "isicelo" sokuxhumana. Isicelo yinoma yikuphi ukunyakaza okuncane okuya komunye umuntu. Amazwana ngesimo sezulu. Ividiyo ehlekisayo ephakanyisiwe ukuze ikukhombise. Ukububula okuempeleni okubuza ukuthi bekunjani usuku lwakho. Isicelo ngasinye umbuzo omncane: ungikhonelekele yini? Ubhekana naso, ngokuphendula ngokufudumele nokunaka, noma ubufulathela, ngokungakunaki noma ukususa nje.

Nansi ingxenye emangazayo. Ocwaningweni luka-Gottman, izithandani ezazisahleli ndawonye futhi zijabule ngemva kweminyaka zase zibhekene nezicelo zomunye komunye cishe amaphesenti angama-86 wesikhathi. Izithandani ezazihlukene zase zikwenzile lokho cishe ingxenye yesithathu yesikhathi kuphela. Umehluko wawungewona uthando olukhulu. Wawuwukuthi baqaphela yini izinto ezincane bese bevela kuzo.

Yilokho ukuqhelelana okuyikho ngempela. Hhayi ukwehlukana okuzumayo, kodwa izinkulungwane zokufulathela okuncane okungaqashelwanga muntu ngaleso sikhathi. Amafoni ngesikhathi sesidlo. U"ngitshele kamuva" ongazange ube kamuva. Izicelo ezithunyelwa emoyeni kungekho ozibambayo. Nqwabelanisa okuningi kwalokho bese abantu ababili abathandanayo bagcina bephila izimpilo ezihambisanayo, ngokwezobuchwepheshe besondelene, empeleni bebodwa.

Uhlangothi oluqinisekisayo: uma igebe lakhiwe ngezikhathi ezincane eziphuthelwe, lingavalwa ngezibanjiwe. Awudingi ukuhlangana okukhulu. Udinga iphethini ehlukile, eqala manje.

Amandla avamile adonsela abantu kude

Kuyasiza ukubiza lokho obhekene nakho ngempela, ngoba ukuqhelelana ngokuvamile akulona icala lamuntu. Impilo izihlelela ukumelana nokusondelana, futhi ikwenza ngokuthulile.

Cabanga ngokugcwalisa isonto elivamile. Umsebenzi ongena kuze kube kusihlwa. Izingane, noma abazali abaguga, noma kokubili ngasikhathi sinye. Amakhulu ezinto zokuphatha impilo, ama-apoyintimenti nokuwasha nezikweletu, okuvimba izingxoxo ezingadingekile ngokuqondile. Amaskrini ahlala eseduze futhi njalo aba lula kancane ukusebenza kunomuntu oseceleni kwakho. Akukho kwalezi okuyisitha sobudlelwane bakho. Kumane kunomsindo kunabo, futhi onomsindo uvame ukunqoba.

Izigaba zempilo nazo zikwenza lokhu. Abazali abasha bayaqhelelana ngoba bakhathele futhi babela wonke ucezwana lwamandla. Abangane abadala bayaqhelelana ngoba omunye wathutha, noma waba nezingane, noma washintsha umsebenzi, futhi isigqi esilula esasinibambe ndawonye saphuka asaphinde sakheka. Imishado emide iyaqhelelana eminyakeni yesidleke esingenalutho, lapho iphrojekthi ehlanganyelwe ebeyihlela izinsuku zenu ithweswa iziqu ngokuzumayo bese inishiya nibhekene nizibuza ukuthi manje nikhuluma ngani.

Ukubona amandla njengavamile kususa ukuhlaba kukho. Wawunganganaki futhi bona abazange bayeke ukukuthanda. Nobabili naba matasa, futhi ukuba matasa kuyakuguqula ukuxhumana ngendlela okungekho okuxwayisa ngayo. Lokho kubuka ngenye indlela kubalulekile ngoba kuguqula ingxoxo esekhanda lakho isuke ku"yini eyahamba kabi ngathi" iye ku"yini esifuna ukuyivikela kukho konke okunye." Umbuzo wesibili ngowokuthi ungenza ngawo okuthile.

Qala okuncane kunalokho okuzwakala kubalulekile

Uma abantu benquma ukuxhumana kabusha, bavame ukufinyelela esinyathelweni esikhulu. Ingxoxo ejulile. Impelasonto ekude. Incwadi ende ebala konke okwahamba kabi. Ngezinye izikhathi lokho kuyasiza. Kaningi kuyawa ngaphansi kwesisindo saso, ngoba abantu ababili abaqhelelene abakabi nesisekelo sengxoxo esinzima, futhi umzamo owodwa omkhulu ngeke uwuguqule izinyanga zokungabikho okuncane.

Hamba ngakolunye uhlangothi. Qala okuncane kangangokuthi cishe kuzwakala sengathi akubalwa.

• Thumela umlayezo ohlala ucishe uwuthumele. Hhayi inkulumo yesimo sezwe. Kumane kube "ngicabange ngawe namuhla" noma "lokhu kungenze ngahleka, kwangikhumbuza wena." Akukho okukhulu okusengcupheni, ayikho ajenda.
• Buyisa isiko elilodwa elincane. Ikhofi lasekuseni ndawonye. Ukuhamba ngemva kwesidlo. Ucingo lwangeSonto. Amasiko enza umsebenzi othulile ngoba awuxhomeki ekutheni umuntu uzizwa ekhuthazekile ngaleso sikhathi.
• Bamba isicelo esisodwa ngosuku. Vele uqaphele lapho umuntu enza ukunyakaza okuncane oluya kuwe, bese ubhekana naso. Bheka phezulu. Beka ifoni phansi. Buza umbuzo olandelayo. Esisodwa ngosuku senaniselana ngokushesha kunalokho ongakucabanga.
• Nikeza ukwazisa okuqondile. Hhayi "umuhle," okushelelayo. Okuthile okuqondile: "Ngiqaphele ukuthi ulusingathe ngokubekezela okukhulu lolo cingo nomama wakho." Okuqondile yikhona okufikayo.

Injongo yokuqala okuncane akusiyona ukuthobeka. Kuyifiziksi. Ukusondelana kuwumkhuba, futhi imikhuba yakhiwa kabusha ngokuphindaphinda, hhayi ngamandla. Ukubuzana kwangempela kwemizuzu emibili nsuku zonke kuzokwenza okungaphezu kobusuku obubodwa obukhulu obuvela enhliziyweni ezinyangeni ezimbalwa. Awuzami ukukulungisa namuhla ebusuku. Uzama ukushintsha ukutshekela.

Yiba nelukuluku esikhundleni sokuqiniseka

Kukhona umgibe obamba cishe wonke umuntu oqhelelene nomuntu ake wasondelana naye. Ucabanga ukuthi usabazi. Uthwele isithombe sengqondo sokuthi babengubani ngesikhathi sokugcina nisondelene ngempela, bese ubhekana naleso sithombe esikhundleni somuntu wangempela ophambi kwakho.

Kodwa abantu bayashintsha ngesikhathi ungabanaki. Bathola izinkathazo ezintsha, izinto ezintsha abazithandayo, imibono emisha, indlela entsha yokuzibona. Umuntu ophambi kwakho manje akuyena kanye lowo owaqhelelana naye. Lokho kungazwakala njengokulahlekelwa. Kuwukuvuleka futhi.

Baphathe njengomuntu ofanele ngempela ukwaziwa futhi, ngoba banjalo. Buza imibuzo yangempela bese ulinda ngempela izimpendulo. Yini ebilokhu isengqondweni yakho muva nje? Yini oyithandayo kulezi zinsuku engingayazi? Yini ebinzima kulo nyaka? Ilukuluku lenza izinto ezimbili ngasikhathi sinye. Likunika ulwazi olunembayo ngokuthi lo muntu usephenduke ngubani, futhi lithumela uphawu olungangabazeki: ubalulekile ngokwanele ukuthi ngifuna ukukwazi, wena wamanje, hhayi inkumbulo.

Kukhona inguqulo ethulile yalokhu esebenzayo ngisho lapho amazwi ezwakala emaningi kakhulu. Yenzani okuthile ndawonye enanikwenza, noma okuthile eningakaze nikuzame nobabili. Umsebenzi ohlanganyelwe uthwala okuningi komthwalo ingxoxo engeke iwuthwale. Phekani isidlo, hambani ngemoto, qalani iphrojekthi, hambani entweni. Abantu bavame ukuthola ukuthi ukukhuluma ababekwazi ukukuphoqa kwenzeka ngokwako uma izandla zabo sezimatasa nengcindezi yokugqolozelana isihambile. Nakha kabusha ulwazi olulula lokuba iqembu, futhi lolo lwazi yilokho ukusondelana okwenziwe ngakho.

Uma ngempela udinga ingxoxo enkulu

Ngezinye izikhathi izikhathi ezincane azanele, ngoba kukhona okuthile okuqondile okuhleli phakathi kwenu. Ubuhlungu obudala obungazange buchazwe. Inzondo ebilokhu isebenza buthule ngemuva. Umehluko wangempela obulokhu uwugwema ngoba ukuwuchaza kuzwakala kuyingozi. Ukugwema kuzwakala kuphephe kakhulu esikhathini esifushane, futhi kuvame ukuba yikho okwenza igebe libe banzi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.

Uma kukhona ingxoxo obuyigwema, izinto ezimbalwa zenza ihambe kangcono.

Khetha umzuzu lapho nobabili nizolile ngokwanele futhi ningagijimi ukuphuma emnyango. Khuluma ngokohlangenwe nakho kwakho kunokumangalela. "Bengizizwa ngikude nawe muva nje futhi ngiyakukhumbula" kuvula umnyango. "Awukaze ungenzele isikhathi" kuwuvala ngamandla. Wokuqala uyabamema. Wesibili ubabeka ekuzivikeleni, futhi abantu abazivikelayo abaxhumani kabusha.

Bese wenza ingxenye enzima kakhulu: lalela lokho okubuyayo ngaphandle kokushesha ukukulungisa noma ukuzivikela. Ungezwa ukuthi nabo bezwa ibanga, mhlawumbe isikhathi eside kunawe. Lokho akusona isimangalo. Yile nto nobabili beniyilindile ukuthi niyisho ngokuzwakalayo. Kaningi ukuba neqiniso nje ngokukhumbulana yikho ukuxhumana kabusha. Ingxoxo akusona isithiyo ngaphambi kokusondelana. Yiyo ukusondelana, kufika.

Kungani lokhu kufanele umzamo

Kulula ukuvumela ukuqhelelana kudlule. Ukuphinda ufinyelele kudinga isibindi, futhi ubudlelwane buqhubekile buxhuga kahle ngokwanele ngaphandle kwako. Kodwa ubudlelwane obuseduze abusona ubumnandi obubekwe phezu kwempilo enempilo. Buyingxenye yesisekelo sayo.

Ucwaningo lapha kunzima ukulunqaba. Ngokusho kwe-CDC, ukuxhumana okuqinile komphakathi kuxhumene nengozi ephansi yezifo ezinzima, kufaka phakathi isifo senhliziyo, isifo sohlangothi, nokucindezeleka, futhi abantu abanezibopho eziqinile bavame ukuphila izimpilo ezinde, ezinempilo. Ukuxhumana akukuhle kuphela enhliziyweni ngendlela yokuqamba izinkondlo. Kukuhle nakuleyo yangempela. Abantu ozizwa usondelene nabo benza umsebenzi wangempela wempilo yakho nokuzinza kwakho, kaningi kungekho noyedwa wenu okuqaphelayo.

Yingakho ukuqhelelana kufanele kuphazanyiswe ngaphambi kokuba kuqine kube unomphela. Iningi lobudlelwane abantu abalilela ukubulahlekelwa abuzange buphele ngempi. Buphela ngokuthula, ngochungechunge lokufulathela okuncane okungahloswanga muntu okungamiswanga muntu.

Ukuthi nini ufinyelele kolunye usizo

Ukuqhelelana okuvamile okuningi kusabela emzamweni ovamile: izikhathi ezincane, amazwi aneqiniso, ukubekezela okuncane komunye komunye nakuwe. Ezinye izimo zidinga okungaphezu kwalokho, futhi ukukubona kungamandla, hhayi ukwehluleka.

Uma yona kanye ingxoxo ebuhlungu iqhubeka yenzeka kungekho ukunyakaza, umelaphi wezithandani angakusiza uthole iphethini engaphansi kwayo bese uzama okuthile okusha. Uma ukufinyelela kushayisa udonga lokwedelela, ukuvala ngokuthula, noma ukuconsa okuqhubekayo kokuzizwa umncane eduze nalo muntu, lokho kufanele kuthathwe njengokubalulekile, futhi uchwepheshe angakusiza uhlunge okungalungiseka nokungalungiseki. Futhi uma ibanga olizwayo liyingxenye yobunzima obubanzi, lapho izinto eziningi zizwakala zimpofu noma zikude nokuxhumana kabusha kuzwakala kungenakwenzeka ukuthola amandla ako, lokho kungaba uphawu lokucindezeleka kunenkinga yobudlelwane, futhi kufanele ukhulume nodokotela noma umelaphi ngawe, hhayi ngobudlelwane kuphela.

Ukuphinda ufinyelele kumuntu kuyinto enesibindi ngokuthulile. Awukwazi ukulawula ukuthi bayaphindela yini emuva. Ungasinikeza isicelo, namuhla, bese ubona ukuthi ubani obhekana naso. Kaningi yilokho kuphela okudingekayo ukuqala.

Imithombo

• The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
• Psych Central, How to Reconnect After Growing Apart: 8 Relationship Tips
• Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, About Social Connection