Ukunamathela Okunokukhathazeka: Indlela Yokuzizwa Uvikelekile Ngenkathi Uthandana

Uthe uzothumela umlayezo ngemva komsebenzi. Sekungu-8:40 futhi ifoni yakho ibilokhu ibhekise phansi ihora ngoba awukwazi ukumelana nokuqhubeka uyibheka, ngaphandle kokuthi uqhubeka uyibheka. Uphinde wafunda into yokugcina ayithumele. Ubhale ingxenye yezinguqulo ezintathu zomlayezo ojwayelekile wazesula zonke. Ingxenye yakho iyazi ukuthi cishe akulutho lokhu. Enye ingxenye isivele izijwayeza ukuthi kuzozwakala kanjani lapho enyamalala.

Uma ubona lolo jikeleze ncamashi, usebudlelwaneni obujwayelekile. Okuzwayo kunegama, futhi akukhona "ukuhlanya" noma "ukunamathela ngokweqile." Kuyisitayela sokunamathela okunokukhathazeka, futhi kuvela ngokuzwakala kakhulu ekuqaleni, esikhathini esingaqinisekile sokuthandana, lapho unaka umuntu ungakabi nabufakazi bokuthi uzohlala.

Izindaba ezinhle kuqala: leli iphethini, hhayi ubuntu. Amaphethini angashintsha.

Kuvelaphi lokhu kuxhumaneka

Ithiyori yokunamathela yaqala ngokuqaphela okulula ngezingane nabantu abazinakekelayo. Lapho umnakekeli ephendula ngokufudumele nangokuthembeka, ingane ifunda ukuthi ubuseduze buphephile nokuthi ifanele ukuvezelwa. Lapho ukunakekelwa kunothando ngolunye usuku bese kungekho noma kungabikezeleki ngolulandelayo, ingane ifunda ukuhlala iqaphile kakhulu, ukusebenza kanzima ukuze ithole ukuxhumana, ukungalokothi izikhulule ngokuphelele kukho. I-Cleveland Clinic ichaza ukunamathela okunokukhathazeka njengokukhula kusuka kuko kanye lokho kungahambisani: wafunda kusenesikhathi ukuthi ungahle ukuthole okwakudinga, noma ungahle ungakutholi, ngakho awuzange uzikhulule ngokuphelele.

Lelo fundo lakuqala alihlali ebuntwaneni. Liba uhlobo lwesilungiselelo esizenzakalelayo sendlela ofunda ngayo ubuseduze njengomuntu omdala. Abacwaningi u-Jeffry Simpson no-W. Steven Rholes, abafunde ukunamathela kwabantu abadala amashumi eminyaka, bachaza abantu abanamathela ngokukhathazeka njengabathwele imibono emibi ngabo ngokwabo eceleni kwemibono enethemba kodwa eqaphile ngabalingani babo. Ufuna ubuseduze kakhulu. Ubuye ulindele ngokweminye ukubulahlekelwa.

Cishe oyedwa kwabahlanu abantu abadala uthambekela ekukhathazekeni, ngezilinganiso eziningi. Ngakho uma lokhu kunguwe, awukho eduze nokuba wedwa kukho.

Kuzwakala kanjani lapho uthandana

Ukunamathela okunokukhathazeka kuvame ukuthula lapho izinto ziphephile futhi kube nomsindo omkhulu lapho zingaphephile. Ukuthandana ikakhulukazi "akukaphephi," yingakho kungazwakala sengathi umsindo ubambeke ephezulu.

Ezinye zezindlela ezivela ngazo:

• Uhamba ngokushesha. Ukuya ndawonye okuhle okumbalwa bese usuvele ucabanga ubudlelwano, ngoba ukuqiniseka kuzwakala njengempumuzo futhi ukungacaci kuzwakala njengengozi.
• Impendulo ephuzayo ifundeka njengesinqumo. Ngokwengqondo uyazi ukuthi abantu bayamatasa. Umzimba wakho usabela sengathi kukhona okungahambi kahle.
• Uhlola izinguquko ezincane ephimbweni labo, ijubane labo lokuthumela imilayezo, amandla abo, bese wakha izindaba eziphelele kukho.
• Lapho ukukhathazeka kufinyelela esicongweni, ufinyelela ekuqinisekiseni. Ubuza ukuthi bathukuthele yini. Uthumela umlayezo futhi. Ufuna ubufakazi bokuthi izinto zilungile.

Lokho kokugcina kufanele ukuncibilika kancane kukho, ngoba yiyona ngxenye esebenza ngokumelene nawe buthule. Kuzwakala njengesixazululo esisobala. Ngokuvamile akusona.

Isicupho sokuqinisekisa

Lapho ukwesaba kukhuphuka, ukubuza "ingabe sisright?" kuzwakala sengathi kufanele kuzinzise izinto. Futhi imizuzu embalwa, kungahle kwenze. Bese ukungabaza kunwabuzela emuva, bese udinga ukubuza futhi.

Kunocwaningo ngalesi siyingi ncamashi. Ucwaningo olulodwa ngokunamathela nokwethemba kwezithandani lwathola ukuthi kubantu abanamathela ngokukhathazeka, ukufuna ukuqinisekiswa ngokweqile kwabikezela ukwethemba *okuphansi* ngosuku olulandelayo, hhayi okuphakeme. Ukuqinisekiswa akufiki kunamathele, ngoba ukukhathazeka bekungeyona ngempela ngomlayezo ongekho. Kumayelana nokwesaba kwakudala kokushiywa. Ngakho ubufakazi buyaphela ngokushesha, bese uyayofuna obengeziwe.

U-Simpson no-Rholes bachaza into efanayo ngamagama asobala: abantu abakhathazekile bathambekela ekufuneni okunamandla, kwesinye isikhathi okungapheli kobuseduze nokuqinisekiswa okuvame ukwehluleka ukunciphisa ukucindezeleka kwabo, futhi kungakhathaza umlingani ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Akukho kulokhu okusho ukuthi izidingo zakho azilungile. Kusho ukuthi isu elilodwa elithize lokuzifeza livame ukuphambana, futhi kufanele ube nelingcono.

Ukuzizinzisa ngomzuzu

Lapho igagasi lishaya, umsebenzi wakho akukhona ukuzikhipha emzweni ngokuphikisana. Kungukungenzi ngawo isikhashana, ukuze ubuchopho bakho obuzolile bukwazi ukufinyelela. Izinto ezimbalwa ezisiza ngempela:

Qamba okwenzeka ngempela

Zitshele ngokusobala. "Isimiso sami sokunamathela sivusiwe njengamanje. Ngiyesaba, angikho engozini." Ukubeka amagama kukho kukukhipha endabeni kukubuyisele emzuzwini. Umuzwa ungokoqobo. Inhlekelele ekubikezelayo ngokuvamile ayikho.

Linda ngaphambi kokuthumela

Awudingi ukususa ukukhathazeka. Kufanele nje ubambezele ukusabela. Kunike imizuzu engamashumi amabili, noma ukulale phezu kwako, ngaphambi kokuthumela umlayezo onokukhathazeka. Isikhathi esiningi isifiso siyafiphala sodwa, futhi umlayezo obuzowuthumela esicongweni sokwethuka akuwona lowo ofuna ngempela bawufunde.

Thola ubufakazi, hhayi ukwesaba

Zibuze: ingabe kukhona uphawu lwangempela lokuthi kukhona okungahambi kahle, noma leli iphethini lakudala eligcwalisa ukuthula ngendaba embi kunazo zonke? Izimpendulo ezephuzayo ngokuvamile zisho ukuthi umuntu umatasa, hhayi ukuthi uyahamba. Vumela ubufakazi bangempela buvote.

Yiba nempilo ubudlelwano obuxhuma kuyo

Lapho umuntu oyedwa omusha eba isikhungo sesimo sonke somzwelo wakho, lonke uphawu oluncane oluvela kuye luzwakala lukhulu kakhulu. Abangane, umsebenzi owunakekelayo, izinto ezingezakho nje, lezi akuzona iziphazamiso ekuthandaneni. Yizona ezigcina umlayezo ohamba kancane ungakwazi ukucobelela usuku lwakho lonke.

Thoba umzimba wakho, hhayi kuphela imicabango yakho

Awukwazi ukuzicabangela ubuzole ngenkathi umzimba wakho use-alamu. Imiphefumulo embalwa ehamba kancane, izinyawo phansi, ukuhamba okufushane. Zola i-alamu yomzimba kuqala, bese ukucabanga okucacile kubuya kokwako.

Ukusho okudingayo, ngaphandle kwesizungu

Akukho kulokhu okusho ukufihla izidingo zakho noma ukuzenzisa ukuthi ukhululekile kanti awukho. Abantu abavikelekile banazo izidingo futhi. Umehluko ukuthi bacela ngokuqondile kunokuvivinya.

Kunesikhala sangempela phakathi kokuthi "Ungithukuthelele? Ngenze okuthile?" okuthunyelwe izikhathi ezinhlanu, nokuthi "Hheyi, ngiba nosuku olungcono lapho ngizwa kuwe kusihlwa. Kungakusebenzela lokho?" Owokuqala ukufuna ukuqinisekiswa okukhandla nobabili. Owesibili yisicelo esicacile umlingani omuhle angasifeza ngempela. Ukusho isidingo ngokuzola kubuye kukutshele okuthile okuwusizo kusenesikhathi: indlela umuntu asabela ngayo esicelweni esinengqondo iwulwazi lwangempela ngokuthi ingabe uyafaneleka yini.

Nini ukuthola usizo olwengeziwe

Ukusebenza kulokhu wedwa kuyenzeka, futhi abantu abaningi benza inqubekelaphambili yangempela ngokumane baqonde iphethini labo bese benza izinyathelo ezingenhla. Kodwa awudingi ukukwenza wedwa, futhi kwabanye abantu kushesha kakhulu ukungakwenzi wedwa.

Uma ukukhathazeka kungapheli, uma kukuphushela ebudlelwaneni obulimazayo noma kukukhipha kobuhle ngempela, noma uma kubhixene namanxeba ajulile avela esikhathini sakho esidlule, udokotela wengqondo angakusiza. Lokhu kuyindawo abayijwayele kahle. Amaphethini okunamathela angezinye zezinto ezifundwa kakhulu nezelaphekayo kakhulu kwisayikoloji yobudlelwano, futhi odokotela banamathuluzi athize ngako. Abantu bayahamba baye kulokho abacwaningi abakubiza ngokuthi ukunamathela "okuzuziwe okuvikelekile," ngokwelashwa, ngobudlelwano obuzinzile, ngesikhathi. Akusona isigwebo esimisiwe.

Futhi uma ukukhathazeka kuke kwaguqukela kokunye okusindayo, ukuphelelwa ithemba, ukwethuka ongeke ukumele, umuzwa wokuthi awukwazi ukubhekana, sicela ukuphathe njengento yakho ehlukile bese ufinyelela usizo ngokushesha. Ukunakekela ngokujulile akusona isici kuwe. Kumane kufuna indawo ephephile yokuhlala. Kungayithola.

Imithombo

• Cleveland Clinic, Attachment Styles: Causes, What They Mean
• Simpson, J.A. & Rholes, W.S. (PubMed Central), Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships
• PubMed Central, The Contribution of Attachment Styles and Reassurance Seeking to Trust in Romantic Couples
• Simply Psychology, Anxious Attachment Style: Signs, Causes, and How to Heal