Amathiphu asheshayo
- Qamba iphethini ngaphambi kokuba usabele.
- Sho ngokuzwakalayo umjikelezo wokududula-nokudonsa.
- Vumela ukuthula kuzwakale kuyisicefe okwamanje.
Cabanga ngamasonto okuqala nomuntu omusha. Bathatha amahora ambalwa ukuze baphendule umyalezo, wena ukuzwe esiswini sakho. Mhlawumbe ufunda umyalezo wokugcina izikhathi ezine, ufuna uphawu lokuthi kukhona okushintshile. Noma mhlawumbe uzwa okuphambene: izinto zihamba kahle, cishe kahle kakhulu, futhi ingxenye ethile ethule yakho ifuna ukukhansela usuku olulandelayo lokuqoma bese uphefumula.
Akukho neyodwa kulezi zimpendulo esho ukuthi kukhona okuphambene ngawe. Zombili ziwukwakheka okudala kwengqondo okwenza khona kanye lokho okwakufunda ukukwenza. Ososayikholoji babiza lokho kwakheka ngokuthi yindlela yakho yokunamathela, futhi lapho usubona eyakho, izikhathi eziningi ezididayo zobudlelwano ziyeka ukuzwakala njengezenzeka nje ngengozi.
Leli yibalazwe, hhayi isigwebo. Lifunde ngobumnene.
Umbono uvelaphi
Ucwaningo lubuyela emuva kudokotela wezengqondo waseBrithani ogama lakhe linguJohn Bowlby ngeminyaka yawo-1950, owaqaphela ukuthi ukuxhumana kwengane encane nomnakekeli kuyibumba kanjani ngamandla. Usosayikholoji wentuthuko, uMary Ainsworth, wabe esehlela ucwaningo olucophelelayo ngakho. Wabuka indlela izingane ezazisabela ngayo lapho umzali ephuma isikhashana egumbini abuye abuye, futhi wabona amaphethini ahlukene, aphindekayo kwabhekwa kubo nendlela ezazizola ngayo. Lawo maphethini aba yisisekelo sethiyori yokunamathela.
Emashumini eminyaka kamuva, abacwaningi babuza umbuzo osobala. Uma ingane ifunda ukuthi ukusondelana kuphephile yini, ngabe leso sifundo siyayilandela lapho isikhulile othandweni? Umsebenzi kaCindy Hazan noPhillip Shaver ngasekupheleni kweminyaka yawo-1980 waphakamisa ukuthi kunjalo. Indlela owaxhumana ngayo useyingane encane, kudala ungakakwazi ukukubiza ngegama, ivame ukubonakala kabusha endleleni oxhumana ngayo neqabane manje.
Nansi indlela ethambile yesayensi. Njengengane, wenza uhlelo lokuhlola izinkulungwane zezikhathi ungakwazi. Wawudinga okuthile, welula isandla, bese ufunda ukuthi yini ebuyayo. Lapho induduzo ivela ngokwethembekile, wafunda ukuthi umhlaba uphephile kakhulu nokuthi abantu bangenceleka. Lapho iza ibuye ihambe, noma ingaveli neze, wafunda ukuzivumelanisa. Lokho kuzivumelanisa kwakuhlakaniphile. Kwakugcina usondelene nokunakekelwa owawungakuthola. Nje akukusizi njalo lapho useneminyaka engamashumi amathathu nanhlanu osukwini lwesithathu lokuqoma.
Izindlela ezine, ngamazwi acacile
Izincazelo eziningi zifika kumaphethini amane. Cishe akekho ohlobo oluhlanzekile, futhi ungathambekela ngendlela ethile neqabane elilodwa bese uthambekela ngenye indlela nomunye umuntu. Zifunde ukuze uzwe ukuboneka okuncane, hhayi ukuzifaka ebhokisini.
Ukuphepha
Uma uvame ukuphepha, ukusondelana akukwethusi futhi nesikhala asikwethusi. Ungasho okudingayo ngaphandle kwempikiswano ende yangaphakathi. Lapho iqabane licasukile, ungahlala ukhona esikhundleni sokulungisa noma sokubaleka. Ukungqubuzana kuzwakala kunokusinda kukho. Ucabanga, phakathi ngaphakathi, ukuthi ufanele ukusalelwa, ngakho awuhlali uzihlola noma ulindele umnyango wokuphuma.
Leli iphethini elivame ukwenza ubudlelwano bube lula. Livame nokwanda kunalokho i-inthanethi ekuphakamisa ngezinye izikhathi, futhi, okubalulekile, lingakhuliswa.
Ukukhathazeka
Ukunamathela okukhathazekile yingxenye yakho efuna ukuqinisekiswa bese ithola ubunzima ukukwethemba lapho sekufikile. Ukusondelana kwasekuqaleni kungazwakala kujabulisa futhi kuxhamazela kancane. Impendulo ehambisa kancane ifika njengengozi. Ungazithola upha ngokweqile, uchaza ngokweqile, uphinda izingxoxo ufuna into oyenze kabi.
Ngaphansi kwako kukhona ukwesaba okuthulile kokushiywa, okuvame ukubekwa ukunakekelwa okwakushisa kubuye kubande. I-Cleveland Clinic ixhumanisa le ndlela nokunakekelwa okungazinzile, lapho induduzo yayikhona kodwa ingabikezeleki, ngakho ingane ifunda ukuhlala iqaphile. Uma lokhu kunguwe, ukuguquka okulunya ukuthi ukuziphatha okuhloswe ukudonsa iqabane lisondele (ukuthumela imiyalezo kabili, ukuhlola, isidingo sobufakazi) yikho okungenzeka kakhulu kududulele umuntu ozinzile kude.
Ukugwema
Ukunamathela okugwemayo kubukeka njengokuzimela okuqinile, futhi ngaphakathi kuvame ukuzwakala njengokukhululeka. Ukubalulekile ukuzethemba. Lapho othile efuna ukusondelana okwengeziwe, uzwa isidingo esifihlakele sokuhlehla, sokuthola isici, sokukhumbula konke obuzokudela. Ungahle uhluleke ukubiza imizwa ngamagama, noma ukukholelwa ukuthi abanye abantu bafuna ngempela ukuyizwa.
Lokhu ngokuvamile kukhula ukunakekelwa okwahlangabezana nezidingo ezibonakalayo kodwa okwashoda kwezomzwelo. Isifundo ingane esithatha kulokho sinengqondo: izidingo zingumthwalo, ngakho zithwale wena ngokwakho. Njengomuntu omdala, lokho kungafundeka njengokupholile nokukwaziyo. Kungashiya futhi iqabane lizwa livalelwe ngaphandle kwegumbi elingalibona kodwa lingangeni kulo.
Okungahlelekile, noma ukwesaba-nokugwema
Iphethini lesine ngelokududula-nokudonsa. Ufuna ukusondelana kakhulu futhi ukwesaba ngokulinganayo, ngakho ungase ulandele umuntu ngamandla bese uyethuka lapho esefika ngempela. Ukusondelana nokwethuka kuyaxhwathaniswa ndawonye. Le ndlela ivame ukuxhumana nezimo zasekuqaleni ezazethusa noma ezazidungekile, lapho umuntu owawumdinga ukuze uphephe naye ayewumthombo wokwesaba. Iyona esinda kunazo zonke ezine, futhi iyona lapho ukusebenza nodokotela wezengqondo omuhle kuvame ukubaluleka khona kakhulu.
Lokhu okungekhona
Ezimbalwa iziqwashiso eziqotho, ngoba ulimi lokunamathela seludlangele futhi i-inthanethi isiluphethe budedengu.
Lezi zindlela akuzona izinkanyezi zokubhula, futhi akuzona izethuko zokuphonsa empini. "Ugwema kakhulu" akuvamile ukuba umusho onothando. Futhi akuzona izici ezingaguquki. Awuphukile uma waphuma ukhathazekile noma ugwema. Wazivumelanisa nalokho owawunakho, futhi ukuzivumelanisa kuwuphawu lokuthi uhlelo lwakho lwezinzwa lwalusebenza, hhayi luhluleka.
Futhi ilebula akusona isifo esitholiwe. Uma amaphethini akho eboshelwe enhlungwini yangempela, noma ekwenza uhlupheke kubo bonke ubudlelwano, lelo yisizathu sokungenisa ochwepheshe, hhayi ukuzihlolela isifo endabeni bese uthi sekulungile.
Lapho izindlela ezimbili zishayisana
Izindlela azihlali nje ngaphakathi komuntu oyedwa. Ziyahlangana, futhi eminye imibhangqwana idume ngobunzima.
Lo ophula izinhliziyo eziningi kunazo zonke ngowokukhathazeka nokugwema. Cabanga ngalokho ngamunye akudingayo. Iqabane elikhathazekile liduduzwa ukusondelana nokuqinisekiswa. Iqabane eligwemayo liduduzwa isikhala nokuzethemba. Ngakho into eyodwa eyehlisa omunye wabo ivusa isexwayiso komunye. Lapho iqabane elikhathazekile lizwa ibanga, lisondela. Lapho lisondela kakhulu, iqabane eligwemayo lidinga umoya kakhulu, futhi lihlehla kakhulu. Ukuhlehla kufundeka njengokushiywa, okukhuphula ukukhathazeka, okwenza lixoshe kakhulu. Kuyajikeleza.
Okwenza lokhu kunamathele kangaka ukuthi kungazwakala njengothando olujulile. Iziphakamiso ziphakeme, ukuhlangana kabusha kunamandla, futhi ukucishe kulahlekelane njalo kungazenzisa njengothando olujulile. Ngokuvamile akulona uthando olwenza lokho. Kuyizinhlelo ezimbili zezinzwa ezicindezela izinkinobho ezindala zomunye nomunye.
Uma ubona ubudlelwano bakho lapha, isinyathelo sokuqala akukhona ukusola. Yikubiza lo mdanso ngokuzwakalayo, ndawonye. "Ngicabanga ukuthi lapho ngesaba ngiyaxosha, futhi lokho kukwenza ufune isikhala, bese ngesaba kakhulu." Ukubiza umjikelezo kuwuguqula usuka empini yokuthi kungaphutha likabani kube yinkinga nina nobabili eningayibuka nibhekene. Lokho kodwa kungakhipha okunye ukushisa kuwo. Emibhangqwaneni eminingi, yilapha kanye lapho udokotela wezengqondo wemibhangqwana ezuza khona indawo yakhe.
Ukuthi amaphethini avela kanjani ngesikhathi sokuqoma
Ukuqoma kwasekuqaleni yilapho lezi zindlela zizimemezela khona, uma wazi ukuthi ubheke ini. Hhayi ukuhlola izimpawu ezibomvu komunye umuntu, kodwa ukuqonda amandla asendlini, kufaka phakathi awakho.
Qaphela isivinini. Ukujahela ekusondelaneni okusheshayo, isiphepho esifuna ukuhlanganisa ngesonto lesibili, kungaba ukudonsa okukhathazekile. Iphethini lokufudumala elilandelwa ukubanda okuzumayo, lokusondela bese kuba yumbimbi, kungaba ukugwema okusebenzayo. Qaphela umzimba wakho, futhi. Uma umuntu omuhle ngokugcwele ekushiya usudiniwe, zibuze ukuthi "isicefe" kungenzeka kusho "ukuthula." Uma umuntu ongatholakali ekushiya ukhungethwe nguye, zibuze ukuthi lo mbani uwuthando lwemvelo yini noma nje uhlelo lwakho lwesexwayiso oluvutha.
Akukho kulokhu okutshela ukuthi uhambe. Abantu bayakhula, futhi ukuphepha kungakhiwa phakathi kwamaqabane amabili azimisele. Kunikeza nje ukufunda okucacile kunokuthi "angazi, kuyinkimbinkimbi."
Ingxenye eshintsha yonke into: awubambekile
Nazi izindaba ezifanele ukubanjwa. Indlela yokunamathela iphethini, futhi amaphethini angashintsha. Abacwaningi bachaza into evame ukubizwa ngokuthi ukuphepha okuzuziwe: abantu abaqala bengaphephile bangaphepha kakhulu ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. I-Cleveland Clinic ikubeka ngokusobala, ukuthi ukushintsha indlela yakho yokunamathela kuyenzeka, futhi kuqala ngokuzazi.
Nendlela iyakhuthaza futhi. Ukubuyekezwa kocwaningo lukaMario Mikulincer noPhillip Shaver kuchaza indlela ukusebenzelana okuzinzile, okusabelayo, uhlobo iqabane elithembekile noma udokotela wezengqondo omuhle alunikezayo, okungavumela ngayo kancane kancane umuntu ongaphephile ukuthi azizwe enakekelwa ngempela, futhi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi lolo lwazi lungathambisa ukuzivikela okudala kube yinto ephephile kakhulu. Awukwazi ukuzizindla ufinyelele ekuphepheni. Ufinyelela khona ngobufakazi obanele, obuphindaphindiwe, obuphilwayo bokuthi ukusondelana kuphephile.
Lobo bufakazi bungavela eqabaneni. Bungavela ebunganeni. Bungavela kudokotela wezengqondo ozinzo lwakhe, isonto ngesonto, lubhala kabusha kancane ithemba elidala.
Ukusebenza nephethini lakho
Awukwazi ukucabanga ukuze ususe ukwakheka kwakho, kodwa ungasebenza nakho ngamabomu. Ezimbalwa izindawo zokuqala, kuya ngokuthi uthambekelaphi.
- Biza iphethini ngaleso sikhathi. Lapho uzwa ukujikeleza noma isifiso sokubaleka, zama ukukulebula ngokuthula: "lena yingxenye yami ekhathazekile," noma "lena yingxenye efuna ukubaleka." Leso sikhala esincane phakathi kokuzwa nokusabela yilapho uthola khona ukukhetha futhi.
- Uma uthambekela ekukhathazekeni, zijwayeze ukubekezelela ukungaqiniseki okuncane ngaphambi kokuba wenze. Umyalezo obambezelekile uwulwazi ngosuku lwabo, hhayi isahlulelo ngokubaluleka kwakho. Qale uzithobe wena, bese unquma ukuthi uzomthinta yini.
- Uma uthambekela ekugwemeni, phatha ukusondelana njengento ozakhela ukubekezela kuyo ngezinhlayiya ezincane. Yabelana ngomuzwa owodwa wangempela. Hlala engxoxweni eyodwa engakhululeki kancane esikhundleni sokufuna umnyango. Qaphela ukuthi uyasinda kuyo.
- Sho okudingayo, ngamagama. Amaphethini amaningi angaphephile asebenza ngokuqagela nokuhlola. Izicelo ezicacile ("Ngingathanda umyalezo osheshayo lapho ufika") zinikeza iqabane ithuba langempela lokuvela, futhi zikunikeza ulwazi langempela ngokuthi liyakwazi yini.
- Funa, futhi ubaluleke, abantu abaphephile. Ukudonseleka othandweni oluyisiphithiphithi kunamandla, ikakhulukazi uma ukuthula kwakuzwakala kungajwayelekile ekukhuleni. Ukuzinza kungazwakala kuyisicefe ekuqaleni. Ngezinye izikhathi ukuzinza kuphephile nje.
Hamba kancane kukho konke lokhu. Awuzami ukuba umuntu ohlukile ngoLwesihlanu. Uzama ukwengeza imizuzwana embalwa yokukhetha lapho bekukade kunokusabela okuzenzakalelayo kuphela.
Nini ukungenisa usizo
Ukuzazi kukuyisa ibanga elide. Akukuyisi yonke indawo. Uma amaphethini akho elokhu ecekela phansi ubudlelwano obukhathalelayo, uma ukusondelana kuvusa ukwethuka njalo, noma uma noma yikuphi kwalokhu kuxhwathaniswe nenhlungu, ukuhlukunyezwa, noma ukwesaba okunezimpande ezijule kakhulu kunokuqoma, sicela ukhulume nodokotela wezengqondo onelayisensi. Umsebenzi wokunamathela ungenye yezinto ukwelapha okuzenza kahle ngempela, futhi akudingeki uxazulule amafindo amadala kunawo wonke wedwa. Ukufinyelela kulolo sizo akukona ukwehluleka kokuqonda. Yindlela abantu abaningi ekugcineni abafinyelela ngayo ekuphepheni abangakhulanga nakho.
Noma yiliphi iphethini lakho, lakhelwa yisimo esincane sakho esasenza konke okusemandleni ukuze sihlale sisondelene nabantu esasibathanda. Leyo ngxenye yakho akusona isitha. Ingafunda okuthile okusha.
Sources
- Cleveland Clinic, Attachment Styles: Causes, What They Mean
- Cleveland Clinic, What Is Attachment Theory? And How Does It Impact You?
- Mikulincer & Shaver, Enhancing the "Broaden and Build" Cycle of Attachment Security in Adulthood (International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health)
- HelpGuide, Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships