Amathiphu asheshayo
- Bheka ukuthi ukuba yisicefe ndawonye kuzwakala kulula yini.
- Buka ukuthi baphatha kanjani uweta okhatheleyo.
- Qaphela ukuthi ukuqhekeka okuncane kuyalungiswa yini.
Kunohlobo oluthile lwenjabulo emasontweni ambalwa okuqala nomuntu odonseleka kuye. Uhlala uze kube sebusuku uthumela imilayezo. Uyaqaphela ukuthi ukufunde kathathu ikhasi elilodwa lencwadi ngoba ingqondo yakho ilokhu iphambuka iya kubo. Isifuba sakho senza okuthile lapho igama labo likhanyisa ifoni yakho. Kuzwakala njengobufakazi. Sengathi ubudlelwano sebuvele buphumelele ukuhlolwa okuthile obehluleka kubo obunye ubudlelwano.
Kodwa abukaphumeleli. Okwamanje.
Lokho kujaha kungokwangempela, futhi kufanele ukujatshulelwa. Kodwa kungumlandi ombi. Ubudlelwano bemvelo obenza lawo masonto okuqala abe negesi busebenza ngobusha nokungaqiniseki, futhi kokubili kuyafiphala akunandaba ukuthi ukuhambisana kuhle kangakanani. Ngakho umbuzo oqotho, lowo ofanele ukuhlala nawo ngaphambi kokwakha into enkulu, akusiwo ukuthi inhlansi ikhona yini. Ngowokuthi kukhona yini okuthile ngaphansi kwayo.
Kungani inhlansi ingekwazi ukukutshela lokho ofuna ukukwazi
Abacwaningi abafunda uthando badweba umugqa phakathi kwezinhlobo ezimbili. Kukhona uthando olunamandla, isimo esinamandla, esithatha yonke ingqondo, esinovalo oluhle nokulangazelela sokudonseleka kwasekuqaleni. Futhi kukhona uthando lobungane, uthando oluqinile kakhulu, ukuthembana, nokukhululeka okukhula phakathi kwabantu abazanayo kahle. Inguqulo yasekuqaleni yiyo wonke umuntu abhala ngayo izingoma. Iphinde ibe yiyo efiphalayo.
Okumangaza abantu ukuthi kufiphala ngokwethembeka kangakanani. Isazi sengqondo u-Elaine Hatfield, esachitha amashumi eminyaka sifunda lokhu, sathola ukuthi uthando olunamandla lwehla ngokushesha ngokwanele emva konyaka wokuqala noma emibili. Akusona uphawu lokuthi kukhona okungalungile. Kuwuklamo. Injabulo enkulu ayizange yenzelwe ukuhlala, ngoba alukho uhlelo lwezinzwa olungahlala lugcwele lawo mandla amaningi kangako ingunaphakade.
Nansi ingxenye enzima kakhulu. Uthando lobungane okumele luthathe indawo alufiki ngokuzenzakalela nje ngoba uthando olunamandla luhambile. Kufanele lwakhiwe. Imibhangqwana ehlala isondelene yenza okuthile ukuze ihlale isondelene. Ayigibeli nje kulokho izinyanga zokuqala eyakunika mahhala.
Ngakho lapho uzama ukufunda ubudlelwano obusha, inhlansi ikutshela ukuthi uyadonseleka. Ulwazi olunosizo. Ayikutsheli cishe lutho ngokuthi nizothandana yini lapho ukudonseleka sekuthulile futhi seniyabantu ababili abajwayelekile ababelana ngoLwesibili.
Kusho ukuthini ngempela "ukuhambisana"
Ukuhambisana yigama elingacacile elivame ukusetshenziswa ukusho "sizijabulisa ndawonye" noma "sifuna izinto ezifanayo ephepheni." Kokubili kubalulekile kancane. Akukho nokukodwa okuyinhliziyo yakho.
Inhliziyo isondele kulokhu: ingabe nobabili ningakwazi ukubhekana nokuba abantu ababili abahlukene, kaninginingi, ngaphandle kokuba kuguguleke umusa ophakathi kwenu? Ngoba nizoba abantu abahlukene. Nizofuna izinto ezihlukene ngobusuku obuthile, nisabele ngokuhlukene engcindezini, niphathe imibono ehlukene ngemali nomndeni nokuthi ukusondelana okungakanani kuzwakala kulungile. Ukuhambisana akukho ekuvumelaneni. Kukho okwenzeka lapho ningavumelani.
Yilapha lapho okunye kokutholakele okucashunwa kakhulu kwisayensi yobudlelwano kufanele ukwaziwa. Umcwaningi uJohn Gottman, obelokhu ebuka futhi ekhoda imibhangqwana elabhorethri yakhe amashumi eminyaka, wathola ukuthi iningi lalokho imibhangqwana elwa ngakho aluxazululeki. Ngokubala kwakhe, cishe izingxenye ezimbili kwezintathu zezingxabano zobudlelwano ziyaphindaphindeka njalo, zigxile emehlukweni ahlalayo esimilweni nasesidingweni kunasekungaqondisiseni okuthile okulungisekayo. Imibhangqwana ejabulayo ayinabo abambalwa balaba. Bathole indlela yokuphila eceleni kwabo nothando lungaguqukile.
Lokho kubeka umbuzo wonke ngendlela entsha. Awufuni umuntu ongeke ungqubuzane naye. Akekho umuntu onjalo. Ufuna umuntu ongangqubuzana naye kodwa usazizwa sengathi nisethimbeni elilodwa emva kwalokho.
Izimpawu ezisho ngempela okuthile
Lezi zivela kusenesikhathi, ngokuvamile zithule kunenhlansi, futhi kulula ukuzigeja lapho ukhukhulwa. Kufanele uzinake noma kunjalo.
Indlela ababhekana ngayo nokungqubuzana okuncane
Ukubhukha kuyawa. Ufunda umlayezo ngokungeqiniso bese uhlaba. Umuntu usephuzile omunye alambile. Lokhu kuqhekeka okuncane kuyizipho ezincane zolwazi. Ingabe ubunzima buphathwa ngomusa oyisisekelo othile, noma into encane iba ukuvota ngesimilo sakho? Ilabhorethri kaGottman yathola ukuthi amaphethini adla kakhulu ubudlelwano ukugxeka, ukwedelela, ukuzivikela, nokuzivala. Ukwedelela, ukuphosa amehlo, ukubhinqa okuyithuko ngempela, kwakuyisibikezelo esisodwa esinamandla kunazo zonke sokwehluleka kobudlelwano. Ungazibona izinguqulo zasekuqaleni zazo zone endleleni umuntu aphatha ngayo into encane ecasulayo. Kuqaphele. Qaphela nokwakho, futhi.
Ukuthi ukulungisa kwenzeka yini
Wonke umuntu usho into engalungile ngezinye izikhathi. Umbuzo ngukuthi kulandelani. Ingabe lo muntu angabuya? Athi "Bengikubhampa ngaphambili, lokho bekungalungile"? Ingabe wena ungakwazi? Ikhono lokulungisa ukuqhekeka okuncane kungenye yezinto ezikhombisa kakhulu ongazibona ebudlelwaneni obusha, futhi cishe akwenzeki ukukwenza mbumbulu. Abantu abangakwazi ukuxolisa lapho izinto zingatheni kuyivelakancane ukuthi bakwazi lapho izinto zibucayi.
Indlela abaphatha ngayo abantu abangenakubenzela lutho
Uweta. Umsebenzi wezinsizakalo zamakhasimende ocingweni. Umzali okhatheleyo. Umuntu abangazami ukumthonya ukukhombisa ukuthi bangobani lapho becabanga ukuthi akubalwa.
Ukuthi ungaba yisicefe kancane eduze kwabo yini
Lokhu kuzwakala kuxakile futhi kubaluleke kakhulu impela. Ukujola kwasekuqaleni kuvuza wena othakazelisa kakhulu, olungisiwe. Kodwa ubudlelwano buzophilwa kakhulu ezimizuzwini engatheni, imisebenzi nokukhathala nokuthula. Uma usuvele uzizwa ukhululekile ukungathonyi nabo, lokho kuwuphawu lwangempela. Uma uzizwa ukuthi kufanele njalo ube "usebenza," kuqaphele lokho.
Ukuthi izimiso zenu zikhomba ngakukuphi okufanayo yini
Hhayi imibono efanayo ncamashi. Isiqondiso. Indlela ngamunye enicabanga ngayo ngokwethembeka, imali, umndeni, indlela enifuna ukuchitha ngayo impilo. Awudingi ishidi lezinto ezifanayo. Udinga ukwazi ukuthi izinto ezinkulu azinidonseli ngokuthula ngakumakusasa ahlukene, ngoba ukudonseleka kunendlela yokumboza lezo zikhala kuze kube yilapho ngokuzuma sezithwala umthwalo.
Ukwehlukanisa umehluko kwento engaqeda ubudlelwano
Akukho konke ukungahambisani okwenziwe kwalingana, futhi enye yezinto ezinosizo kakhulu ongazifunda kusenesikhathi ukuthi yikuphi kwakho okuyini.
Iningi lemehluko imane iyimehluko. Omunye wenu uvuka ekuseni omunye akavuki. Omunye ucubungula usuku olunzima ngokulukhuluma, omunye ngokuthula kuqala. Omunye usebenzisa imali ngokukhululeka, omunye ngokuqapha. Lokhu kungahlaba, ngezinye izikhathi iminyaka, futhi cishe akudingi ukuxazululwa. Kudinga ukuhlonishwa. Le yindawo ucwaningo lukaGottman olukhomba kuyo lapho luthola ukuthi izingxenye ezimbili kwezintathu zezingxabano ziyaphindaphindeka njalo. Umgomo lapho akusiwo ukuxazulula. Ukufunda ukungavumelani kabuthaka ngezinto ezimbalwa ezifanayo isikhathi eside ngaphandle kokuvumela kuvuthuluke.
Into engaqeda ubudlelwano iyisilwane esihlukile. Ngumehluko ohlala phezu kwento oyidinga ngempela, futhi awukho umthamo womusa owenza iphileke. Ukufuna izingane omunye engasoze afune. Iphethini yokungathembeki. Ukwedelela okungathambi noma ingxoxo ihamba kanjani. Ukuzizwa ulawulwa noma unciphisiwe. Lokhu akuzona izinto ezingajwayelekile ozifaka, futhi ukuzama ukudlula kukho ngothando ngokuvamile kumane kukudlela iminyaka.
Inkinga ukuthi ukudonseleka kwasekuqaleni kuyawufiphaza umugqa. Injabulo enkulu yenza izinto ezingaqeda ubudlelwano zibukeke njengemehluko ("sizoyixazulula") futhi ngezinye izikhathi yenza umehluko ojwayelekile uzwakale njengezinto ezingaqeda ubudlelwano lapho ukukhathazeka kukhuphuka. Ukufunda okuthulile, okuqotho, ngokufanele izinyanga hhayi izinsuku, yiyo indlela otshela ngayo ukuthi yikuphi okuyini. Uma ungaqiniseki, ukungaqiniseki ngokwakho kufanele uhlale nakho kunokugijima kudlule.
Ubungane obucashe ngaphansi kothando
Kukhona enye into ucwaningo oluqhubeka lubuyela kuyo, futhi kulula ukuyigeja lapho ugxile ebudlelwaneni bemvelo. Imibhangqwana eyenza kahle kakhulu ivame ukuthandana ngempela. Hhayi nje ukufunana. Ukuthandana, ngendlela abangane abahle abenza ngayo.
Umsebenzi kaGottman uchaza lokhu njengobungane esisekelweni sobudlelwano, umsinga oqinile wokwazi izwe lomunye nomunye, ukuphendukelana ezimizuzwini emincane, ukubamba uthando oluyisisekelo ngisho phakathi nokungavumelani. Imibhangqwana egcina lowo msinga ugijima yiyo emelana nezingxabano eziphindaphindekayo ingalahli intambo. Uthando luhlala phezu kobungane. Lapho ubungane bubuncane, uthando alunalutho oluphumula kulo lapho ubusha sebuphelile.
Ngakho kufanele ubuze, kusenesikhathi futhi ngokusobala: ingabe ngiyabujabulela ngempela ubukhona balo muntu, ngaphandle kokudonseleka? Ingabe besingaba nokuthile esingakhuluma ngakho uma inhlansi ithula isonto lonke? Ingabe bangumuntu engingamfuna eduze ngisho noma besingabangane kuphela? Izimpendulo eziqotho zingezinye zezibikezelo ezinhle kunazo zonke onazo.
Ukunamathela, nokuthi kungani "okunamandla" ngezinye izikhathi kumane kusho ukukhathazeka
Kukhona ugibe olufanele ukuluqamba. Ngezinye izikhathi lokho okuzwakala njengokuxhumana okunamandla okungajwayelekile kuyingxenye yohlelo lwakho lwangaphakathi olukhulumayo.
Odokotela bengqondo bachaza amaphethini ambalwa abanzi endleleni abantu abaxhumana ngayo nokusondelana. Abantu abanephethini eqinisekile kakhulu bavame ukwethemba, banike bese bamukela ukunakekela ngaphandle komsindo omningi, futhi basondele kalula ngokwanele. Abantu abanephethini ekhathazeka kakhulu besaba ukushiywa futhi balangazelela ukuqinisekiswa. Abantu abanephethini ehlukanisa kakhulu bafuna uthando kodwa bagcina unyawo olulodwa ngaphandle komnyango. Njengoba udokotela wengqondo u-Amir Levine ekhombisile, umuntu okhathazekayo ehlanganiswe nohlukanisayo bangakha ubudlelwano obuzwakala bunogesi, konke lokho kuxhaphaza nebanga, ukulangazelela nempumuzo, kanti buthula bubuhlungu futhi bungazinzile.
Ngamanye amazwi, amandla nokuvikeleka akuyona into efanayo, futhi kungasebenzelana ngokuphambene. Ubudlelwano obuzole kakhulu ngezinye izikhathi buzwakala bungenamdlandla ekuqaleni, futhi abantu bathatha lokho kuzola ngokuphambene njengokuntuleka kobudlelwano bemvelo. Ngokuvamile kuphambene. Ukungabikho kwesexwayiso.
Ingxenye ekhuthazayo: lawa maphethini awagxilile. ULevine uphawula ukuthi ukumane uqonde ukuthambekela kwakho kungakususa kuye ekuvikelekeni okukhulu, futhi umlingani oqinile angasiza, futhi. Ngakho uma uzibona encazelweni yokukhathazeka noma yokuhlukanisa, lokho akusona isigwebo. Kumane kunosizo ukwazi ukuthi yiziphi izimpawu ezivela ebudlelwaneni neziphi ezivela kuwe.
Izinto ezimbalwa eziqotho ozibuza zona
Awudingi ukuhlolisisa ubudlelwano obusha kuze kufe. Imibuzo embalwa ethulile, obuyela kuyo ezinyangeni ezimbalwa, izokutshela iningi lalokho okudingayo:
- Ingabe ngizizwa ngiyimi kakhulu eduze kwalo muntu, noma kancane?
- Lapho singavumelani, ngisuka ngizizwa ngisondele noma ngimncane?
- Ingabe ngingacabanga isonto elijwayelekile, elingakhazimuli nabo ngizizwe ngilungile ngalo?
- Ingabe bakhombisa ulukuluku ngempilo yami yangempela yangaphakathi, noma kakhulu ngendlela engibenza bazizwe ngayo?
- Emva kokuchitha isikhathi ndawonye, ingabe uhlelo lwami lwezinzwa luzolile kakhulu noma lunovalo ngokwengeziwe?
Akukho nokukodwa kwalokhu okumele kube ngu-yebo ocacile ngosuku lwesithathu. Ubudlelwano basekuqaleni kufanele bube nokungaqiniseki okuncane. Kodwa izimpendulo zivame ukuzinza ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, futhi kufanele uzilalele ngisho lapho inhlansi ivota ngokuzwakalayo ngakolunye uhlangothi.
Yinike into eyodwa inhlansi engeke iphile ngaphandle kwayo
Ukuhambisana kwangempela ngokuvamile kuziveza kancane, futhi asikho isinqamuleli esiphinde sibe qotho. Injabulo yasekuqaleni iwulwazi ngomzimba wakho. Alukakabi ulwazi ngokuhambisana kwenu. Ukuphela kwendlela yokuthola uhlobo lwesibili yisikhathi, nokuzimisela ukugcina amehlo akho evulekile ngenkathi uzijabulisa.
Uma uphethe umlando wobudlelwano obunzima, noma uzithola njalo udonseleka kubantu abakushiya unovalo noma unciphisiwe, lokho akusona isici sesimilo futhi akusiyo indida okumele uyixazulule wedwa. Umeluleki omuhle osebenza nobudlelwano angakusiza ukubona amaphethini akho ngokucacile kakhulu ukhethe ngokuhlukile ngokulandelayo. Futhi uma ubudlelwano buke buqale ukuzwakala buyesabisa kunokumane bungaqiniseki, uma kukhona ukulawula, ukwesabisa, noma uzizwa wesaba umlingani, lokho kudlula ukuhambisana futhi kufanele kukhulunywe ngakho nomuntu oqeqeshelwe ukusiza masinyane.
Inhlansi ikungenisa emnyango. Lokho okwenzayo emva kokuba ithule yibo ubudlelwano bangempela. Izindaba ezinhle ukuthi izimpawu ezithule kakhulu, indlela olungisa ngayo, indlela eniphathana ngayo ngosuku olubi, ukuthi ningaba abangatho lutho nabangathonyi ndawonye yini, yizo ongazifunda ukuzifunda. Futhi lapho usukwazi ukuzifunda, uyeka ukuqagela.
Imithombo
- The Gottman Institute, Marriage and Couples Research
- American Psychological Association, Monitor on Psychology, The Love Drug: Does Love Last?
- Columbia University Department of Psychiatry, How Attachment Styles Influence Romantic Relationships