Amathiphu asheshayo
- Thumela usawubona owodwa omfushane, ongenangcindezi.
- Yeka ukuzama ukunqoba okwedlule.
- Shiya umnyango ungakhiyiwe, ungaqashelwe.
Kunobuhlungu obuthize obuvela emzelweni oshiye ukuxhumana naye. Hhayi umuntu ongamazi, hhayi owakwakho wakudala. Umuntu owahlanganyela ne indlu yangasese negama lomndeni nabazali abafanayo ezinsukwini ezinzima ezifanayo. Ungahamba izinyanga ungakhulumi kodwa usazizwa, lapho kudlala ingoma ethile noma kufika iholide, umuzwa wesihlalo esingenamuntu lapho ayehlala khona.
Mhlawumbe kwaphela ngokulwa okukodwa okunomsindo. Mhlawumbe kwamane kwancipha iminyaka kwaze kwaba ubona ukuthi awukhumbuli ingxoxo yangempela yokugcina. Noma kunjani, uma ufunda lokhu, ingxenye ethile yakho iyazibuza ukuthi kungaba ngenye indlela yini. Lokho kuzibuza kufanele ukukuthatha ngokungathi sina.
Okokuqala, into cishe okungekho okhuluma ngayo ngokuzwakalayo: lokhu kuvamile. Inhlolovo kazwelonke yabantu baseMelika abangaphezu kuka-1,300 eyaholwa umcwaningi wase-Cornell u-Karl Pillemer yathola ukuthi cishe ikota yabantu abadala babephila nokwahlukana emndenini wabo, futhi cishe u-8% babenqanyulwe emzelweni. Noma yini eyenzeka kowakho, awuyona into eyehlukile eyisimangaliso. Uyingxenye yeqembu elikhulu kakhulu, elithule kakhulu.
Kungani ukwahlukana kwezelamani kusika kujule kangaka
Isibopho sezelamani asijwayelekile. Kubantu abaningi ubudlelwano obude kunabo bonke abazoke babe nabo, buqala ngaphambi kwenkumbulo bese budlula abazali, ngokuvamile budlula imishado. Nihlanganyela umlando okungekho omunye emhlabeni onawo. Uma lokho kuhamba kabi, akukubizi nje umuntu. Kungazwakala njengokulahlekelwa ufakazi wempilo yakho yonke.
Lowo mlando futhi yiwo kanye owenza ukulungisa kube nzima. Nobabili nithwele amashumi eminyaka obufakazi obuqongelelwe ngomunye nomunye. Izindima ezindala zabelwa kusenesikhathi bese zinamathela njengamalebula amanzi. Onesibopho. Ophihlizayo. Othandekayo. Ongabonakali. Ungaba neminyaka engamashumi amane nanhlanu kodwa usashelela ubuyele ekubeni neminyaka eyishumi nanye ngomzuzu umfowenu esebenzisa lelo phimbo.
Abacwaningi abafunda imindeni bakhomba izinto ezimbalwa ezivame ukuhlukanisa izelamani ezingabantu abadala. Ukungezwani okulandelelwa kubuntwana, kuhlanganise nokuthi abazali baphatha kanjani isiyalo nokuthi ingabe ingane eyodwa yayithandwa ngokusobala yini. Imali nefa, ikakhulukazi mayelana nomzali oguga noma ofayo. Abasemzini nabashade nabo abasha abashintsha ibhalansi yakudala. Nomehluko nje ovamile ezintweni ezibalulekile noma ekutheni umuntu ngamunye ucabanga ukuthi omunye kufanele aziphathe kanjani. Uma ukwahlukana kwakho kunenwebu elingaphezu kwelilodwa lalezo zilukiwe kukho, lokho kujwayelekile futhi. Zivame ukuza zibhixene.
Kunesizathu sokuthi lokhu kubalulekile empilweni yakho hhayi kuphela enhliziyweni yakho. Umsebenzi ngabantu abadala abakhulile uye wathola ukuthi izinga lobudlelwano bezelamani libophezelwe nasekubeni wedwa, futhi ngalo nasekucindezelekeni nasekukhathazekeni. Uhlangothi oluphambene luyizindaba ezithe xaxa. Ukuxhumana okufudumele kwezelamani kungaba isivikelo sangempela ekuzizweni wedwa emhlabeni, ikakhulukazi njengoba nobabili niguga futhi isiyingi sabantu ababenazi nisebancane siba sincane.
Izindima owazinikwa usengumntwana
Nakhu okuthile ucwaningo lwezelamani oluqhubeka lubuyela kukho. Izimo obhajwe kuzo manje ngokuvamile zamiswa ebuntwaneni, futhi abazali babenesandla kuzo. Ososayensi bomndeni abafunda izelamani baye bathola ukuthi ukubandlululwa okubonwayo, umuzwa wokuthi umama noma ubaba wayethanda noma ethemba ingane eyodwa kakhulu, kungenye yezimpawu eziqinile kunazo zonke zezimpikiswano ezihlala kuze kube ebudaleni. Uma wakhula uqinisekile ukuthi udadewenu wayeyintandokazi, lokho kuqiniseka akushabalali eneminyaka engamashumi amabili nanye. Kumane kuye ngaphansi bese kuqhuba ubudlelwano kusukela lapho.
Ingxenye ewusizo yokwazi lokhu ukuthi indima akulona iqiniso. Kuyindaba umndeni owayixoxa kaningi ngokwanele kwaze kwaba wonke umuntu waqala ukuphila ngaphakathi kwayo. "Akanasibopho." "Nguye onodrama." "Yimi obamba konke ndawonye." Lapho uxhumana kabusha, uzozwa amandla adonsayo alawo malebula amadala edonsela nina nobabili emuva esimilweni. Ungakuqaphela ukudonswa ngaphandle kokukulalela.
Kukhona futhi okutholakele okuthule, okunethemba okufanele ukukubambelela. Abacwaningi bakhomba amaphuzu entshintsho angokwemvelo, umshado, ingane entsha, ukugula komzali, ukuthutha, njengezikhala lapho izelamani zivame ukuphinda zihlole bese zikhetha okuhlukile. Ukulahlekelwa okuhlanganyelwe kungavula kabusha umnyango ukuziqhenya obekuwuvale. Uma impilo ikunike omunye walabo mizuzu, kungaba isikhathi esingcono sokuxhumana kunalokho ocabanga.
Ngaphambi kokuxhumana, yethembeke kuwe
Ukuxhumana kabusha akuhlali kuyisinyathelo esilungile, futhi ukulungisa okuhle kuqala ngawe, hhayi ngabo. Imibuzo embalwa efanele ukuhlala nayo kuqala.
Ufunani ngempela? Ubudlelwano obugcwele, amaholide nezingcingo? Noma ukuthula okwanele nje ukuthi uyeke ukuzilungiselela njalo lapho igama labo livela? Lezo yizinhloso ezihlukene futhi zicela izingxoxo ezihlukene. Ukufuna inguqulo encane kuvunyelwe.
Ingabe lokhu kuphephile? Yile ndawo eyodwa okufanele uqine kuyo. Uma ubudlelwano babuhilela ukuhlukunyezwa, unya oluqhubekayo, noma umuntu ohlala ekushiya usesimeni esibi kakhulu, ukuxhumana kabusha akusona isibopho, futhi ayikho indondo yokuziphatha yokuphinda ungene emlilweni. Ukuyeka kungaba ukukhetha okunempilo. Ingxenye esele yalesi siqephu ingeyokwahlukana okuningi okubuhlungu kodwa okungeyona ingozi.
Yiyiphi ingxenye yakho? Cishe akukho ukwahlukana okuyiphutha lomuntu oyedwa, ngisho nalapho umuntu oyedwa enze umonakalo omningi. Awudingi ukuthatha icala ongelona elakho. Kodwa kuyasiza ukuthola into eyodwa noma ezimbili obungazenza ngendlela ehlukile ngempela, ngoba yileyo ngxenye ongayilawula ngempela.
Kubukeka kanjani ukulungisa kwangempela
Lapho ithimba lika-Pillemer lixoxisana nabantu abakwazi ukubuya ekwahlukaneni, amaphethini ambalwa avela kaninginingi. Awekho awo angumlingo. Wonke ayenzeka.
Yeka ukuzama ukunqoba okwedlule
Isici esisodwa esivame kakhulu phakathi kwabantu abaxolelanayo kwakuwukuthi bayeka ukulwa ukusungula ukuthi inguqulo yomlando kabani eyayilungile. Ungeke uze uvumelane ngokwenzeka kulowo mshado, noma ukuthi ubani owakuqala, noma ukuthi abazali bakho babemthanda ngempela omunye wenu kakhulu yini. Abantu abaxhumana kabusha ikakhulukazi bayeka igumbi lenkantolo. Banquma ukuthi ubudlelwano obuqhubekayo bubaluleke kakhulu kunesinqumo ngokwedlule. Lokho akusho ukuzenzisa ukuthi ubuhlungu abuzange bwenzeke. Kusho ukwenqaba ukuvumela ukuphinda kukhulunywe ngakho kube inani lokungena.
Nciphisa okulindele ngamabomu
Ukuxolelana okuningi okuphumelele kwasebenza ngenjini encane kunalokho abantu ababekulindele ekuqaleni. Esikhundleni sokufuna isibopho esiseduze, esithemba abasihlala besifuna, bavuma umzelwane okhona ngempela, kanye namaphutha akhe, bakha okuthile kwangempela kodwa okumaphakathi. Ubudlelwano obumnandi emihlanganweni futhi obubheka izikhathi ezimbalwa ngonyaka akubona ukwehluleka. Emndenini eminingi, kuwukunqoba kwangempela.
Beka imibandela ngokusobala
Ukuxolelana kuvame ukubambelela lapho bobabili abantu becacile ngokuthi kuzohlanganisa nokungeke kuhlanganise ini. Ungamthanda umzelwane kodwa usasho ukuthi yiziphi izihloko ezingekho etafuleni, kungakanani ukuxhumana okuzwakala kulungile, nokuthi yini ongeke uphinde uyibekezelele. Imingcele akuzona izindonga lapha. Yizimo ezenza umnyango ukwazi ukuhlala uvuliwe.
Indlela yokuthatha isinyathelo sokuqala
Ukufinyelela yiyo ingxenye eyesabekayo. Ezinye izinto ezisizayo:
- Qala kancane futhi ngokungenangcindezi. Umlayezo omfushane noma ikhadi kungcono kunencwadi yamakhasi amane ebala umlando wonke. "Bengicabanga ngawe. Ngingathanda ukukhuluma uma uvulekile." Lokho kwanele ukuvula umnyango ngaphandle kokuphoqa noma ubani ukuba adlule kuwo.
- Qondanisa ukuxhumana kokuqala nesikhathi samanje nesikhathi esizayo, hhayi ukuhlolwa kokwedlule. Ungabhekana nezinto ezinzima kamuva, ubuso nobuso, lapho kunokwethenjwa okuthile okungama kukho.
- Khetha umzuzu, hhayi isinqumo. Ikhofi. Ukuhamba. Ucingo olunesiphetho esakhelwe ngaphakathi. Ingcindezi ephansi yenza kube lula kini nobabili ukuvela njengabantu abadala kunokuba njengezingane zenu zakudala.
- Hola ngomugqa owodwa oqotho ngengxenye yakho uma unayo. "Ngiyazi ukuthi ngathula isikhathi eside, futhi ngiyaxolisa ngalokho" kungenza okuningi kunohlu lwamaphutha abo kunanini.
- Yeka umphumela. Ungalawula isimemo. Awukwazi ukulawula ukuthi bayasamukela yini, noma ngokushesha kangakanani, noma ukuthi lifika ngendlela obuyicabanga. Thumela umlayezo obuzokwazi ukuthula ngemva kokuwuthumela, bese ushiya indawo yokuba babe ngabantu ngakho.
Usizi lunejubane lalo, kunjalo nokwethemba. Umzelwane olimele angadinga ukujikeleza umbono isikhashana ngaphambi kokusondela. Ukuhamba kancane akufani nokuthi cha.
Uma bengafuni
Ungenza konke kahle kodwa usathola ukuthula. Ukulungisa kudinga abantu ababili, futhi ulawula oyedwa kuphela kubo. Yile ngxenye okunzima ukuhlala nayo, ngakho kufanele kushiwo ngokusobala: ukwenqaba kwabo akusona isinqumo ngokubaluleka kwakho, futhi akusona isiphetho sokuthula kwakho.
Lapho umnyango uhlala uvaliwe, umsebenzi ususuka ebudlelwaneni uya osizini lwakho. Lokho okulilelayo kungokoqobo, ngezinye izikhathi kakhulu umzelwane obufisa ukuba unaye kunalowo owatholayo ngempela. Kuqambe ngoba kuyikho. Abantu abaqhubeka bephatha ukwahlukana njengesimo esiphuthumayo esivulekile, bebheka, bethemba, bevuselela, bavame ukuhlala bebhajwe kukho. Abantu abazivumela ukulilela bavame ukuthola ukuthi ubuhlungu buthamba bube yinto abangayithwala.
Kuyasiza ukwandisa isiyingi ngenkathi ulinde, noma esikhundleni salokho. Lolo cwaningo olufanayo olubophezela izibopho ezimbi zezelamani ekubeni wedwa lubuye lukhombise ukuthi ukuba wedwa kuqhuba kangakanani omunye umonakalo. Ngakho nakekela ukuxhumana okuvulekile kuwe. Umngane oseduze, umzala, umndeni okhethiwe wabantu abavelayo. Akekho kubo othatha indawo yomfowenu noma udadewenu. Bakhumbuza isimiso sakho sezinzwa ukuthi awukho, empeleni, wedwa emhlabeni. Leso sikhumbuzo siyavikela, futhi awudingi ukusizuza kumuntu oyedwa ongeke asinike.
Shiya umnyango ungakhiyiwe ngaphandle kokuma uwulinde. Abantu bayashintsha. Izimo ziyashintsha. Ukuthi cha kulo nyaka akuhlali kuwukuthi cha unomphela. Ungazisa umzelwane wakho, kanye nangaphandle kwengcindezi, ukuthi ukhona uma bake bafuna ukukhuluma, bese uhamba uyophila impilo egcwele engancikile empendulweni yabo.
Nini ukungenisa usizo
Okunye ukwahlukana kudala kakhulu, kubuhlungu kakhulu, noma kubhixene kakhulu ukuba kuxazululwe kodwa, futhi lokho akukhona ukwehluleka komzamo. Udokotela wengqondo womndeni angakusiza ukubona amaphethini enibhajwe kuwo nobabili, ucwenge okungokwakho ukukulungisa nokungekhona, bese uba nengxoxo oqhubeka uyigwema ngaphandle kokuthi iqhume. Ukwelashwa kungaba wusizo ngokufanayo lapho umnyango uhlala uvaliwe. Uma umzelwane engazimisele noma engaphephile, udokotela omuhle angakusiza ukulilela ubudlelwano obubufuna bese uyeka ukubuthwala njengomthwalo oyimfihlo.
Finyelela kulolo sizo ngokushesha kunokuhamba isikhathi eside uma ukwahlukana kukusinde, uma kukudonsela ekucindezelekeni noma ekukhathazekeni okungapheliyo, noma uma wonke umzamo wokukhuluma uphela ngenhlekelele efanayo. Awudingi ukwazi ukuthi ukuxolelana kungenzeka yini ukuze ufanelwe usizo lokukuthwala.
Noma yini oyinqumayo, awukweleti muntu isiphetho sencwadi yezindaba. Isibopho sezelamani esilungisiwe ngumphumela owodwa omuhle. Kunjalo nokuxhumana okuncane, okuzolile. Kunjalo nokuthula okunamehlo acacile ngeqiniso lokuthi lokhu ngeke kubuye. Inhloso yayingekho ukuphoqa ukuhlangana kabusha. Yayiwukuyeka ukuvumela ukuthula kuqhube impilo yakho.
Imithombo
- American Psychological Association, Improving sibling relationships
- The Conversation, Family rifts affect millions of Americans, research shows possible paths from estrangement toward reconciliation
- Cornell Chronicle, Pillemer: Family estrangement a problem 'hiding in plain sight'
- National Library of Medicine (PMC), Sibling Relationships in Older Adulthood: Links with Loneliness and Well-being