Indlela Yokuba Khona Kumngane Olilayo

Umama womngane wakho ushone ngoLwesibili. Noma umshado wabo uphelile, noma ingane ayifikanga, noma inja abebenayo iminyaka eyishumi nane yalaliswa kwaphakade ekuseni ngalolo suku. Ufuna ukufinyelela kubo. Bese uyoma, ngoba enye ingxenye yakho ethulile, enokwesaba, iqiniseka ukuthi kukhona into ephelele okumele uyisho, nokuthi uma ungeke uyithole uzokwenza konke kube kubi kakhulu.

Ngakho nakhu okokuqala okumele ukwazi, futhi kususa ingcindezi: ayikho into ephelele ongayisho. Akekho onamazwi alungisa lokhu, ngoba akukho okulungisa lokhu. Lokho abantu abalilayo abakukhumbulayo, eminyakeni kamuva, akubona ubungcweti bamazwi omuntu. Bakhumbula ukuthi ubani owafika. Bakhumbula ukuthi ubani owahlala.

Yilowo wonke umsebenzi, ngempela. Akudingeki ube nokuhlakanipha. Kudingeka ube khona.

Kungani lokhu kuzwakala kunzima kangaka

Uma ukufinyelela kumuntu olilayo kukwenza ukhathazeke, awubandi futhi awuphukile. Ungumuntu. Abaningi bethu asizange sifundiswe ukuthi lokhu kwenziwa kanjani. Sakhulela esikweni eliphatha ukufa njengento okumele ihlanzwe isuswe ngokushesha, ngakho sifika esontweni lomuntu elibi kunawo wonke singenamazwi ahleliwe sinokwesaba okuningi.

Ukwesaba ngokuvamile kuzwakala njengokunye kwalokhu. *Ngizobakhumbuza ngibenze bakhale.* *Ngizosho into engalungile.* *Angisondelene ngokwanele ukuze ngingene.* Qaphela ukuthi kokuthathu kumayelana nokungakhululeki kwakho, hhayi isidingo sabo. Lokho akukhona ukugxeka. Kuwusizo nje ukukubona, ngoba uma usukubona ungakubeka phansi.

Ngeke ubakhumbuze. Abacwaningi bosizi nodokotela bacacile ngale ndaba, futhi i-Harvard Health ikusho ngokusobala: ukukhuluma ngomuntu oshonile ngeke kumdabukise kakhulu umngane wakho. Abakhohlwa. Ukulahlekelwa umoya abawuphefumulayo. Uma usho igama ngezwi eliphakeme, awuvuli inxeba. Ubatshela ukuthi umuntu wayebalulekile, futhi usenjalo, nokuthi akudingeki bathwale inkumbulo bodwa.

Fika, bese uqhubeka ufika

Nali iphethini cishe wonke umuntu olilayo alichazayo. Evikini lokuqala noma amabili, ukudla kuyafika, amakhadi ayanqwabelana, ifoni iyakhanya. Bese umngcwabo uphela, wonke umuntu ubuyela empilweni yakhe, indlu ithule kanye lapho usizi lwangempela lungena. Izingcingo ziyancipha. Usizi alunciphi.

I-Mayo Clinic Health System ikhomba khona kanye leli gebe, futhi yilapho ungenza khona okuhle kakhulu. Umngane othumela umyalezo ngoLwesithathu othile ezinyangeni ezintathu kamuva, *ngicabanga ngawe nangobaba wakho namuhla,* unikeza okuthile okuyivelakancane futhi okubaluleke kakhulu kunolunye ulasagne.

Izindlela ezimbalwa zokuba yilowo mngane:

• Maka izinsuku ezinzima. Izinsuku zokuzalwa, usuku lokukhumbula ukushona, amaholide okuqala. Zibhale kukhalenda yakho manje ukuze ungakhohlwa, bese ufinyelela uma zifika. Umyalezo omfushane wanele.
• Thatha isinyathelo. Abaningi abakhungathekile ngosizi abakwazi ukuqoqa amandla okucela usizo, ngakho ngeke bacele. Ungalindi ukumenywa ubuye ungene. Yiba ngoqhubeka engqongqotha.
• Sebenzisa igama. Khuluma ngomuntu oshonile. Yabelana ngenkumbulo, isithombe, into encane ehlekisayo abayenza. Kuyisipho ukuzwa ukuthi omunye umuntu uyakhumbula.
• Yehlisa umgomo wokuxhumana. Awudingi isizathu noma isikhathi esihle. I-emoji yenhliziyo iyabalwa. I-meme abebezoyithanda iyabalwa.

Nikeza okuthile okuqondile, hhayi "noma yini"

"Ngazise uma udinga noma yini" kunomusa, futhi cishe akusizi. Kunika umuntu obuchopho bakhe bufiphele ngosizi esinye isinqumo okumele asenze, enye into okumele ayiphathe. Cishe abasoze bafona.

Kunalokho yenza umnikelo ube ngoqondile, futhi lapho ukwazi khona, yenza nje leyo nto. I-Harvard Health ne-Mayo zombili zifinyelela eselulekweni esifanayo lapha. Zama:

• "Ngiletha isidlo sakusihlwa ngoLwesine. Ufuna ngisishiye evulandi, noma ngihlale?"
• "Ngisesitolo. Ngithathela wena ubisi, isinkwa, nekhofi. Kukhona okunye?"
• "Ngingathatha izingane ngoMgqibelo ekuseni ukuze ukwazi ukulala. Ngizobe ngikhona ngehora lesishiyagalolunye."
• "Ngikhululekile ukuhlala nawe ngiphendule ifoni noma ngisebenze amaphepha. Yiluphi usuku olusebenzayo?"

Umehluko ukuthi ususe umsebenzi wokucela. Ususe okuthile epuletini labo esikhundleni sokwengeza kulo.

Okumele ukusho, nokumele ukweqe

Abantu bafinyelela enduduzweni bese ngengozi bafinyelela emazwini asejwayelekile. Lawo alimaza kakhulu yilawo azama ukuthola uhlangothi oluhle: *basendaweni engcono, konke kwenzeka ngesizathu, okungenani abasahlupheki, isikhathi siphilisa wonke amanxeba.* Ngisho noma ehloselwe othandweni, la kungafika njengomnyango ovalayo. Atshela buthule umuntu olilayo ukuthi ubuhlungu bakhe buyinkinga okumele iphikiswe isuswe.

Akudingeki uhlakaniphe. Izinto eziqotho, ezilula yizo ezisizayo:

• "Ngiyaxolisa kakhulu. Ngiyakuthanda."
• "Angazi ukuthi ngithini, kodwa ngilapha, futhi angiyi ndawo."
• "Lokhu kunzima kakhulu. Akudingeki uzizwe kahle njengamanje."
• "Ngitshele ngabo."

Lowo wokugcina awunikwa isikweletu esanele. Ngokuvamile into enomusa kakhulu ongayinikeza akuwona nhlobo umusho. Ukunaka kwakho. Bavumele baxoxe indaba efanayo izikhathi ezintathu. Kwakhona ukuthula. Awudingi ukukugcwalisa noma ukukulungisa. Umuntu ozizwa ezwakala ngempela, ngaphandle kokuphathwa noma ukujabuliswa, unikwe okuthile abantu abaningi abangakaze bakuthole.

Futhi melana nesifiso sokubeka usizi ohlelweni. Alikho ijubane elifanele, futhi awukho umugqa wokuphetha. I-Cleveland Clinic iphawula ukuthi usizi luvame ukuza ngamagagasi kunezigaba ezihlelekile, nokuthi asikho ngempela isikhathi lapho umuntu ese "qedile." Amabinzana afana no *sekufanele usuqhubekela phambili manje* akuwona ukukhuthaza. Akuwukushiya kancane. Vumela umngane wakho alile ngejubane lakhe, isikhathi eside ngangokudingekayo.

Uma kukhulu kunalokho umngane angakuphatha

Usizi akusona isifo sengqondo. Luthando olungenandawo yokuya, futhi abantu abaningi, uma benikwe isikhathi nokwesekwa, kancane kancane bayaphinde bathole ukuma kwabo yize beshintshile kwaphakade.

Kodwa ngezinye izikhathi usizi luyanamathela. Uma ubuhlungu buhlala bunjalo bumtsha ngemva konyaka, uma umngane wakho engakwazi ukusebenza usuku nosuku, ehoxa kubo bonke abantu, noma ebonakala eqhwathekile ekulahlekelweni engenalo ukukhululeka, lokho kungaba yilokho odokotela abakubiza ngosizi olwelulekile noma oluyinkimbinkimbi, futhi luyasabela kahle osizweni lochwepheshe. Ukukuqamba ngobumnene kungaba yisenzo sothando: "Ngiqaphele ukuthi lokhu kusasindile kangakanani, futhi ngiyazibuza ukuthi ukukhuluma nomuntu kungasiza yini ukukuthwala. Ngizokusiza uthole umuntu uma uthanda."

Naka kakhulu uma uzwa ukuphelelwa yithemba kungena. Uma umngane wakho esho noma ekhomba ukuthi impilo ayifanele ukuphilwa, ukuthi ufuna ukunyamalala, noma ukuthi wonke umuntu ubengaba ngcono ngaphandle kwakhe, kuthathe njengento ebucayi uhlale useduze. Awudingi ukuba nezimpendulo. Udinga ukungabashiyi bebodwa nakho, nokubasiza bafinyelele usizo lwangempela, kungaba udokotela wabo, udokotela wengqondo, noma umugqa wezimo eziphuthumayo. Ukusho ukuthi "Ngikhathazekile ngawe, futhi ngihlala lapha impela" akukuningi kakhulu. Kungaba yikho konke.

Awukwazi ukususa ukulahlekelwa. Lokho bekungeyona into yakho ukuyenza. Lokho ongaba yikho ukuba khona okuqinile, okubuyayo esikhathini lapho abantu abaningi behamba. Thumela umyalezo. Sho igama. Phinde ufike ngenyanga ezayo. Yileyo ndlela umuntu athwalwa ngayo edlula entweni embi kunazo zonke eyake yamehlela, hhayi ngesenzo esisodwa esiphelele, kodwa ngabantu abaqhubeka nje bebuya.

Imithombo

• Mayo Clinic Health System, Offering support to the grieving
• Harvard Health Publishing, Ways to support someone who is grieving
• Cleveland Clinic, Grief: What It Is, Types, Symptoms & How To Cope