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Amathiphu asheshayo
- Yehlisa ukuvakasha, hlela indlela yokuphuma kuqala.
- Bhala phansi izizathu zakho zezinsuku ezicacile.
- Hlela abakusekelayo ngaphambi kokuhlehla.
Abantu abaningi abafiki kulokhu kalula. Ngesikhathi usuzibuza ngempela ukuthi ingabe kufanele yini uhlehle kumzali, kudadewenu noma umfowenu, noma noma ngubani, uvame ukube usuyizamile inguqulo enesineke izikhathi eziningi. Uchazile. Uxolele. Ulinde ukuba baguquke, wazilungiselela, wabuyela, waphinde walimala endaweni efanayo. Ngakho uma ufunda lokhu inhliziyo yakho ibopheke, yazi ukuthi lokho kuboshwa kuwulwazi. Awubandi. Ukhathele.
Ukuxhumana okuncane nokungaxhumani akufani, futhi umehluko ubalulekile. Ukuxhumana okuncane kusho ukuthi nisaxhumana, kodwa ngemibandela ongabhekana nayo: ukuvakasha okufushane, ukungalali khona, izingcingo ongaziqeda, izihloko ezithile ezingavunyelwe, konke okunye kwempilo yakho kugcinwe kude ngokuphephile. Ukungaxhumani kusho ukuthi umisa umgqa wokuxhumana okwamanje, kwesinye isikhathi isikhathi esithile, kwesinye isikhathi unomphelo. Abantu abaningi abehlisa ukuxhumana abalokothi baye ekuthuleni okuphelele. Bamane bayeka ukuvumela umuntu oyedwa abe nokufinyelela okungenamkhawulo kubo.
Okuwukuhlola ngempela
Igama elivame ukusetshenziswa kukho konke lokhu ukuhlukana, futhi liphethe amahloni amaningi. Enye ingxenye yesizathu sokuthi kubuhlungu ukuthi sibeka umndeni endaweni ephakeme. Usosayensi wengqondo uLucy Blake, ofunda lokhu, ukhomba ukuthi sibuka ubuhlobo bomndeni njengobuhle ngokugcwele, ezithombeni zethu zamaholide, endleleni abantu abakhuluma ngayo ngokuthi "igazi" liyikho konke, kangangokuthi uma umndeni wakho uyimbangela yokulimala kwangempela, ungazizwa sengathi nguwe owonakele ngokuqaphela.
Awonakele ngokuqaphela. Imibuzo embalwa eqotho ingayidabula inkungu ngokushesha kunonyaka omunye wokuzama:
- Ngemva kokuxhumana nalo muntu, uzizwa kanjani usuku olulodwa noma amabili alandelayo? Uzinzile kakhulu, noma ucekelwe phansi?
- Ingabe usubatshele ngokucacile ukuthi udingani, ngaphezu kwkanye, ngamazwi acacile? Futhi ingabe kukhona okushintshile?
- Ingabe uyazivikela, noma uyabajezisa? Kokubili kungokwabantu, kodwa yikho kuphela okokuqala okuma nesikhathi.
- Ingabe ukuphepha komuntu kusengozini, okwakho noma okwengane?
Uma ukuxhumana kukushiya njalo unovalo, ungalali, noma ungabaza inkumbulo yakho yalokho okwenzekile, futhi usuke wacela okwehlukile wabe wangananzwa, awuyekeli ubuhlobo. Uphendula iphethini esikutshengisile ukuthi iyini.
Kuyasiza ukwazi ukuthi lokhu kuvamile kangakanani, ngoba amahloni akhula enkolelweni yokuthi nguwe wedwa. Ucwaningo lukazwelonke olwenziwa umcwaningi wase-Cornell uKarl Pillemer luthole ukuthi cishe amaphesenti angama-27 abantu abadala baseMelika, cishe abantu abayizigidi ezingama-67, babehlukene nelungu lomndeni. Lokhu kwenzeka kwingxenye yesine yemizi odlula kuyo. Usebandleni elikhulu kakhulu, yize cishe kungasho ngokuzwakalayo.
Ukuqala ngokuxhumana okuncane
Uma umnyango ungadingi ukuvalwa ngamandla, ungawuvali ngamandla. Ebuhlotsheni obuningi, umgomo akukhona ukungaxhumani nhlobo. Ukuxhumana okulawulayo. Ukuxhumana okuncane kukuvumela ukugcina ukuxhumana okuthile ngaphandle kokunikela izihluthulelo zokuthula kwakho.
Izindlela ezimbalwa abantu abakwenza ngazo lokhu kusebenze:
- Yehlisa indawo yokuxhumana. Hlanganani endaweni yomphakathi, isikhathi esinqunyiwe, ngendlela yokuphuma oyihlele ngaphambili. "Ngingakwazi ukudla kwasemini, kufanele ngihambe ngo-2" umusho ophelele.
- Nquma ukuthi yini engavunyelwe. Akudingeki ukhulume ngomshado wakho, imali yakho, isisindo sakho, noma leyonto yeminyaka eyishumi nanhlanu edlule. "Angizukukhuluma ngalokho" kungaphindwa ngokuzola noma yizikhathi ezingaki ezidingekayo.
- Sebenzisa umgudu ohambisa kancane. Imilayezo neziphosakhona ongaziphendula uma usuzinzile zingcono kunezingcingo ezikubamba ungalindele. Uvunyelwe ukuthatha usuku ukuze uphendule.
- Yeka ukuchaza. Umngcele akuyona impikiswano okumele uyinqobe. Ungawusho kanye bese umane uwubambe, ngaphandle kokuzithethelela okusha njalo uma uvivinywa.
Isicupho esithulile sokuxhumana okuncane ukuthi omunye umuntu uvame ukukhulisa udweshu uma ukufinyelela abekujwayele kuncipha. Bamba uqine kukho konke lokho. Ukuphikisa akubona ubufakazi bokuthi unephutha. Imvamisa kuwubufakazi nje bokuthi umngcele musha.
Uma uze uyeke ukuxhumana
Ngezinye izikhathi ukuxhumana okuncane akwanele, ngoba ukulimala akudingi ukusondelana ukuze kufike, noma ngoba wonke amathuba asetshenziswa ukumelana nawe. Ukunquma ukuxhumana kuyisinyathelo esizimele ngamandla, futhi kufanele kwenziwe ngokucabanga kunokwenza ngomzuzu owodwa wentukuthelo, ngisho noma intukuthelo ifanele.
Izinto ezimbalwa ezisizayo:
Nquma ngaphambili ukuthi umngcele uyini ngempela. Zonke izingcingo nokuvakasha, noma umuntu oyedwa kuphela hhayi abazala, noma ukungaxhumani kuze kushintshe into ethile. Imigqa engacacile inzima kunayo yonke ukuyibamba.
Awukweleti muntu inkulumo ephelele. Abanye abantu bathumela umlayezo owodwa omfushane ocacile bese bethula. Abanye bamane bayeka ukuphendula. Awukho umthetho othi kufanele wethule impikiswano yokuvala, futhi abantu abavamile ukukukhuluma ukuze ushiye isidingo sesikhala ngokuphikisana nawe ngaso.
Hlela abakusekelayo ngaphambi kokwenza isinyathelo, hhayi emva. I-Cleveland Clinic, ibhala ngokuyeka ukuxhumana nomzali, iphakamisa ukwakha lelo hlelo lokusekelwa ngaphambili nokuncika kudokotela wengqondo ngaphambili, ngesikhathi, nangemva, ikakhulukazi ngoba izinsuku eziseduze emva kwalokho yilapho ukungabaza nosizi kushaya kanzima kakhulu. Uma ukuxhumana kwake kwazwakala kungaphephile, kunengqondo futhi ukugcina irekhodi lemizamo ongayifuni yokufinyelela kuwe, uma ungase uyidinge.
Futhi vikela izinhlangothi ezisebenzayo. Thulisa uvimbe lapho udinga khona. Tshela izihlobo ezingase zidlulise imilayezo ukuthi ungathanda zingakwenzi. Uvunyelwe ukuzenza ube nzima ukufinyelelwa.
Usizi okungekho okuxwayisa ngalo
Nansi ingxenye ebamba cishe wonke umuntu engalindele. Ukuhlehla kumuntu okulimazile akuzwakali njenkululeko, okungenani ekuqaleni. Kuvame ukuzwakala njengokufa, kuphela ukuthi lo muntu usaphila futhi nguwe okukhethile, okwenza kube kubi kakhulu ngandlela thile.
Kukhona igama lalokhu. Kubizwa ngokulahlekelwa okungacacile, usizi lokulahlekelwa umuntu ongafanga. Ungaqiniseka ukuthi wenze isinqumo esifanele kodwa usabakhumbula ngoLwesibili ngaphandle kwesizathu. Ungazizwa ukhululekile futhi uphuke inhliziyo ngehora elilodwa. Ungase udabuke hhayi ngomuntu ababeyiwo, kodwa ngomzali noma umfowenu obudinga ukuba abe yiwo kodwa ungazange umthole. Akukho kulokho okusho ukuthi wawunephutha. Kusho ukuthi wawuthanda umuntu owayengakwazi ukukuthanda ngokuphephile, futhi lokho kuyilahleko yangempela, ngisho noma ukuhamba kwakuyinto enempilo.
Okuvame ukusiza kulesi sikhathi:
- Vumela usizi lube usizi. Akudingeki ube nolaka ukuze ufakazele ibanga. Uvunyelwe ukudabuka ngakho.
- Yakha abantu bakho. Ukukhululeka okulandela ukuhlukana kuvame ukukhula uma ugcwalisa isikhala ngobuhlobo obuzizwa buhle ngempela, umndeni okhethile, abangane abadala, iqembu lokusekelana labanye abahamba endleleni efanayo.
- Lindela izinsuku ezinzima, amaholide, izinsuku zokuzalwa, umshado womndeni ozwa ngawo ngezinye izindlela. Zihlelele into enomusa ngalezo zinsuku esikhundleni sokuzilungiselela uwedwa.
- Qaphela ukuzingabaza. Bhala inothi elifushane, eliqotho ngelinye ilanga uma izinto zicacile, izizathu eziqondile zokuthi kungani uhlehlile, ukuze igagasi lokukhumbula okumnandi lingakubhaleli kabusha umlando wakho.
Ukushiya umnyango uvuliwe, uma uthanda
Akukho kulokhu okumele kube unomphelo, futhi umngcele manje awukubopheli ekuthuleni impilo yonke. Ucwaningo lukaPillemer lokubuyisana luthole into ethambile neyusizo lapha. Phakathi kwabantu abaphinde bakha ubuhlobo kamuva, labo abakwazile cishe ngaso sonke isikhathi babeyeka isidingo sokuthi omunye umuntu avume okwedlule futhi axolise. Bayeka ukulwa ngokuthi inguqulo kabani eyiqiniso base begxila kulokho ubuhlobo obungaba yikho manje, ngokulindela okungokoqobo ngokuthi lowo muntu ungubani ngempela.
Lokho akuwona umbhalo wokubuyela. Ubuhlobo obuningi akufanele buphinde bakhiwe, futhi ukubuyisana akuweleti muntu. Kuwuqikelelo nje lokuthi ukuxhumana okuncane nokungaxhumani yizimo ongazibamba, uziguqule, uziphinde ubheke, hhayi isinqumo esisodwa esingaguquki okumele usithole silungile ngqo namuhla.
Ukuthi nini ulethe usizo olwengeziwe
Lokhu kunzima ukukuthwala wedwa, futhi akudingeki. Udokotela wengqondo, ikakhulukazi osebenza nokuhlukana komndeni noma umonakalo womqondo, angakusiza ukwehlukanisa ukuvikela ekujeziseni, ukubamba umngcele oqhubeka uvivinywa, nokudlula kusizi ungacwili kulo. Uma noma yini kulokhu ithinta ukuhlukunyezwa, noma uma ukuphepha kwakho noma ukuphepha kwengane kusengcupheni, sicela ukuthathe lokho njengokubaluleke kakhulu bese uxhumana nochwepheshe noma insizakalo yokusekela yasendaweni engakusiza uyihlele ngokuphephile. Futhi uma ubunzima bakho buke buguqukele emuzweni wokuthi awukwazi ukuqhubeka, lowo umzuzu wokufinyelela emugqeni wezimo eziphuthumayo noma kudokotela ngokushesha, hhayi kamuva. Ukudinga lolo hlobo losizo akubona ubuthakathaka. Yindlela abantu abadlula ngayo ezingxenyeni ezinzima ngempela.
Unelungelo lokukhetha ukuthi ngubani onokufinyelela kuwe. Lokho bekulokhu kuyiqiniso. Ngezinye izikhathi into enesibindi kakhulu, enothando kakhulu oyenzayo ekugcineni ukuyikholelwa.
Imithombo
- Cleveland Clinic, Going No-Contact With a Parent or Family Member: What You Need To Know
- American Psychological Association, Speaking of Psychology: Coping with family estrangement, with Lucy Blake, PhD
- Cornell Chronicle, Pillemer: Family estrangement a problem 'hiding in plain sight'
- Cornell Family Estrangement & Reconciliation Project, Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them