Ukukhula Njengomuntu Ngamunye Ngaphandle Kokwahlukana

Nakhu ukwesaba cishe akekho okusho ngokuzwakalayo. Ubheka ngaphesheya kwegumbi umuntu owakhe naye impilo, bese kuvela umcabango omncane, ongathembekile: kuthiwani uma singasabhekile endaweni efanayo? Uthathe umsebenzi omusha, noma wayeka ukuphuza, noma wathola ukholo, noma wathola ukuthi uluqalekile. Baqale ukugijima, noma bathula, noma baqala ukukhuluma ngekusasa obungazange ulicabange. Akukho okungalungile, kahle hle. Nobabili nje nisukile, futhi awuqiniseki ukuthi nasuka ndawonye.

Lokho kwesaba kujwayeleke kangangokuthi cishe kukho kubo bonke ubudlelwane obude, futhi kuphathwa ngezindlela ezimbili ezimbi. Ezinye izithandani ziphatha noma yiluphi ushintsho lomuntu ngamunye njengokukhaphela bese zicindezelana zibe zincane kuze kube nobabili bazizwa bevalelekile. Ezinye zinquma ukuthi ukukhula kusho ukukhula uhamba kude, bese zihamba kancane kuze kungabikho okusele okwabelwana ngakho ngaphandle kwezinhlelo. Kokubili kuzama ukuxazulula inkinga efanayo yangempela, futhi kokubili kuyaphutha. Inkinga akukhona ukuthi uyashintsha. Kuwukuthi awukakhi ubudlelwane obulindele ukuthi ushintshe.

Abantu ababili, hhayi umuntu oyedwa ohlukaniswe phakathi

Iseluleko esiningi sobudlelwane ngokuthule sicabanga ukuthi ukusondelana kusho ukufana. Izinto ozithandayo ezifanayo, abangani abafanayo, imibono efanayo, uMgqibelo ofanayo. Kumnandi, impela. Kodwa kuwumklamo obuthakathaka, ngoba ngomzuzu umuntu oyedwa ekhula ngendlela omunye angahlanganyeli kuyo, lonke ilungiselelo lufundeka njengokufa.

Umfanekiso onempilo ngabantu ababili abaphelele abakhetha ukwabelana ngempilo, hhayi izingxenye ezimbili ezizama ukwenza umbuthano. Abacwaningi abafunda okubambele izithandani ndawonye ngempela emashumini eminyaka baqhubeka befika entweni efanayo. Ukubhekwa kwe-Cleveland Clinic kokuthi ubudlelwane obunempilo bubukeka kanjani kukubeka ngokusobala: eduze kwethemba nokuxhumana okuhle, "ukwazi ukuthi ungubani njengomuntu ngamunye nokuxosha imigomo yakho neziphupho zakho" kubaluleke ngokufanayo. Hhayi naphezu kobudlelwane. Njengengxenye yabo.

I-Gottman Institute, ebukele izithandani elebhu amashumi eminyaka, yenza iphuzu elihlobene ngokuzimela. Ingozi akukhona umlingani onobungani bakhe, izifiso zakhe, nempilo yakhe yangaphakathi. Ingozi yilapho umuntu oyedwa ezigoqa abe mncane kangaka, egameni lokugcina uxolo noma ukugcina omunye esondele, kangangokuthi ekugcineni akusekho muntu osele wokuba nobudlelwane naye.

Ukuntweza kuthule. Ukwehlukana kunomsindo.

Kuyasiza ukuhlukanisa izinto ezimbili ezizwakala zifana ngaphakathi kodwa ezingafani.

Ukuntweza yilokho okwenzeka ngokunganaki. Akekho owakukhetha. Wayeka ukubuza ukuthi omunye umuntu ufundani noma ukhathazekani, izingxoxo zaba zincane zaba yizinhlelo nezingane nokuthi kudliwani, futhi ngoLwesibili olulodwa olujwayelekile waqaphela ukuthi wawazi izinhlelo zempilo yalo muntu kanti cishe awazi lutho ngaphakathi kwakhe. Ukuntweza wukunqwabelana okuhamba kancane kwemibuzo engabuziwe. Yilona futhi uhlobo lwebanga elilungiseka kakhulu, ngoba imbangela ukunganaki nje okulula, futhi ukunaka kungavuselelwa.

Ukwehlukana kunomsindo omkhulu futhi kuyivelakancane. Kulapho abantu ababili, bobabili benaka, beshintsha ngeqiniso lokho abakufunayo empilweni. Omunye ufuna ukwehlisa isivinini, omunye ekugcineni uyasheshisa. Omunye uthole inkolelo ehlela kabusha konke, omunye angeke abalandele lapho. Lokhu kungokoqobo, futhi kufanele ukuthathwa ngokungathi sina kunokushelelisa. Iningi lalokho izithandani ezikubiza ngokuthi "ukukhula uhamba kude," nokho, ukuntweza nje okugqoke izingubo zokwehlukana. Kuzwakala njengegebe elingenakubhanjululwa kanti empeleni kuyiminyaka embalwa yokukhohlwa ukufuna ukwazi. Izindaba ezinhle ukuthi ngokuvamile ungakwazi ukusho ukuthi yikuphi onakho ngokuzama izilungiso ezincane kuqala. Uma izingxoxo ezimbalwa eziqotho nokunakwa okuvuselelekile kuvala iningi legebe, kwakuwukuntweza. Uma igebe lihlala kanye lapho lalikhona ngemva kokuba uzame ngeqiniso, lokho kufanele ukubuka okude, okunesibindi.

Ukuthi kungani ubudlelwane bungakwenza ube mkhulu ngempela

Kunengxenye enethemba yesayensi yengqondo efanele ukwaziwa, ngoba iguqula konke ukwesaba.

Ochwepheshe bezengqondo u-Arthur no-Elaine Aron bachitha iminyaka kulokho abakubiza ngemodeli yokuzikhulisa (self-expansion model). Inguqulo emfushane: abantu bakhelwe ukufuna ukukhula, ukungenisa amakhono amasha, imibono, nezipiliyoni, futhi enye yezindlela eziphambili esikwenza ngayo ngabantu esibathandayo. Uma usondele nomuntu, umumatha izingcezu zakhe. Ukufuna kwakhe ukwazi, isibindi sakhe, indlela yakhe yokubona. Uba okuncane ngaphezu kwalokho owawuyikho uwedwa.

Yizo izindaba ezinhle ezicashe ngaphakathi kokwesaba kwakho ukukhula uhamba kude. Umlingani akufanele akugcine ufana. Omuhle ukusiza ube nguwe kakhulu. Ucwaningo lwabo lwathola ukuthi umuzwa wesikhala sokuqhubeka ukhula ubikezela ukuthi izithandani zihlala zanelisekile futhi zizinikele kangakanani, nokuthi izithandani ezabelana ngezipiliyoni ezintsha neziyinselelo kancane zivame ukuzizwa zisondele kunalezo ezenza isiyingi esifanayo unyaka nonyaka.

Ngakho umgomo awuzange ube ukuyeka ukushintsha. Kuwukuqhubeka ushintsha ngendlela ekudonsela komunye nomunye esikhundleni sokudlulana.

Inguqulo yakho abangayibona

Kunengcezu yesibili yocwaningo engiyithola ithinta inhliziyo ngokuthule. UCaryl Rusbult noStephen Drigotas bayibiza nge-Michelangelo phenomenon, ngokulandela umqondo wokuthi umbazi wezithombe wabona isithombe sesilinde ngaphakathi ematsheni wamane wasikhulula.

Abalingani abahle benza okuthile okunjalo komunye nomunye. Ezifundweni eziningana, bathola ukuthi lapho umuntu oyedwa ngokungaguquki ephatha umlingani wakhe njengomuntu lowo mlingani afisa kakhulu ukuba yiyena, umlingani empeleni uya kulowo buwena obuhle ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, futhi bobabili babika ubudlelwane obunamandla, obuzinze kakhulu. Ungabazwa ubheke kulowo ozama ukuba nguye ngumuntu ongakubona ngaphambi kokuba ukwazi.

Uhlangothi oluphambene luyiqiniso futhi lufanele ukuqanjwa. Umlingani obonisa emumva kuphela ubuwena obuncane kakhulu, obubambeke kakhulu, okukhumbuza ngakho konke ukwehluleka okudala futhi agingqe amehlo akhe kulo lonke ithemba elisha, angakuhlikihla wehle esikhundleni salokho. Iningi lethu asikwenzi ngamabomu. Sikwenza ngokwesatshiswa, ngokuphatha ukukhula komlingani njengesigwebo phezu kwethu. Ukwazi indlela okusebenza ngayo yingxenye yekhambi.

Uma ukukhula kwabo kuzwakala njengengozi

Nawu umzuzu owenza umonakalo omningi othule. Umlingani wakho ushintshela kokungcono, futhi esikhundleni sokuzizwa ujabule, uzwa okuthile okubandayo nokuncane. Baba nempilo engcono, banokuzethemba okwengeziwe, baphumelela kakhulu, baqiniseka kakhulu ngalokho abakukholelwayo, bese enye ingxenye yakho iyaqhaqhazela. Ungahle ungakuvumi ngisho nakuwe, ngakho kuphuma ngokweceleni, njengokugcona okunobukhali, njengokudonsa izinyawo, njengokungabi nentshisekelo ngokuzumayo entweni abakujabulelayo.

Lokho kuqhaqhazela ngokuvamile akumayelana nabo. Kuyindaba ozitshela yona ngaphansi: uma bekhula mina ngingakhuli, bazongidlula. Uma bengidinga kancane, bazongifuna kancane. Kufanele ukusho ngokusobala ukuthi lokhu ukusabela okujwayelekile, kwabantu futhi kunogibe. Ukukhula komlingani akukhona ukususwa kuwe. Ucwaningo lokuzikhulisa lukhomba ngenye indlela. Uma usondele nomuntu oba nekhono nophilayo kakhulu, uvame ukuthatha okunye kwalokho, ungalahlekelwa ngenxa yakho.

Isinyathelo, lapho ubamba ukuqhaqhazela, ukukuqamba kuwe bese ukhetha isenzo esiphambene. Akudingeki uzizwe unesandla esivulekile ukuze wenze ngesandla esivulekile. Buza umbuzo ofuna ukwazi noma kunjalo. Fika entweni noma kunjalo. Ngokuvamile umuzwa ofudumele ulandela ukuziphatha okufudumele kunokwehla ngenye indlela. Futhi uma ukwesaba okungaphansi kunomsindo, ukuthi umile ndawonye ngesikhathi behamba, impendulo akukhona ukubehlisa isivinini. Kuwukuthola into yakho elandelayo ozokhulela kuyo.

Indlela yokuqhubeka ukhula ethimbeni elifanayo

Akukho kokhu okwenzeka ngengozi. Izithandani ezikwazi ukukuphatha zivame ukwenza izinto ezimbalwa ezingagqamile ngamabomu.

• Vikela ukwehlukana okuncane, ngokuzwakalayo. Abangani bakho, umgomo wakho, ukuhlwa okungokwakho. Yisho ngokusobala ukuthi kukuhle kuwe, ukuze kungafundeki njengokushelela kwakho. Isikhala esincane esinempilo asikhona okuphambene nokusondelana. Yilokho okugcina abantu ababili abathakazelisayo endlini.
• Phatha ukukhula komlingani wakho njengezindaba, hhayi ingozi. Uma bekhanya ngokuthile okusha, funa ukwazi ngaphambi kokwesaba. "Ngitshele ukuthi yini oyithandayo ngakho" ngumnyango ohlukile ku "Lokhu kusho ukuthini kithi." Umbuzo wesibili ungalinda.
• Vuselela umfanekiso wakho womunye nomunye. Abantu bahlala beshadile nomlingani owayeka ukuba khona eminyakeni emihlanu edlule bese bezizwa benesizungu lapho umuntu wangempela engahambelani. Buza imibuzo ezwakala isobala futhi. Uthini muva nje. Yini eshintshile kuwe. Ulindeleni manje.
• Yakha izinto ezintsha ezimbalwa ezabelwana. Akudingeki ukuhlanganise yonke intshisekelo, kodwa ucwaningo lokuzikhulisa lucacile ukuthi ukwenza okuthile okusha ndawonye, ikilasi, uhambo, iphrojekthi, ukukhwela okunzima, kuvuselela isibopho ngendlela ukuphinda izinqubo ezindala okungakwazi. Ubusha obabelwene yigilu.
• Yenza ukukhula kube yinto oyenzayo komunye nomunye. Yisho inguqulo eqinisekisayo yalokho ababa yikho ngokuzwakalayo. "Usukwazi ngempela lokhu manje." "Ngiyayithanda into oba yiyo." Abantu bakhulela enguqulweni yabo umuntu othenjwayo osevele angayibona.

Uma igebe lingokoqobo

Ubuqotho bubalulekile lapha, ngoba akulona lonke ibanga okungukungezwani ongaphuma kukho ngokufuna ukwazi. Ngezinye izikhathi abantu ababili bafuna ngempela izimpilo ezehlukene. Ingane noma ukungabi nayo ingane. Leli dolobha noma lelo. Ukholo noma inkululeko omunye angeke ahlanganyele kuyo. Lezo akuzona izinkinga zokuxhumana, futhi ukwenza sengathi ziyizo kumane kubambezela ingxoxo enzima kakhulu.

Uma uqhubeka uzungeza isihloko esifanayo esibuhlungu ungafiki ndawo, noma uma omunye wenu ethule futhi ukwedelela sekungenile lapho ukufuna ukwazi kwakuvame khona, lokho kufanele okungaphezu kobusuku bokuvakashelana. Umeluleki wezithandani akulona uphawu lokuthi ubudlelwane bahluleka. Ngumuntu wangaphandle onekhono ongasiza abantu ababili basho izinto eziyiqiniso bese behlonza, ndawonye, ukuthi izindlela zisavumelana yini. Futhi uma uqaphela ukuthi ukukhula kusho njalo wena ugobe kanti bona bahlale, noma ukuthi umhlaba wakho usunciphele waba ngobukhulu bomuntu oyedwa, khuluma nomuntu, umeluleki noma ngisho umngane othenjwayo, ngokuthi ibhalansi isiwele yini entweni ekulahlekisela wena.

Iningi lezithandani ezikhathazeka ngokukhula zihamba kude empeleni azihlukani. Ngabantu ababili abaqhubeka bephila, baqhubeka beshintsha, bakhohlwa ukuqhubeka bezethula. Isilungiso sincane futhi sinomusa ngaphezu kwalokho ukwesaba okukuphakamisayo. Hlala ufuna ukwazi ngomuntu abaya beba nguye. Bavumele bahlale befuna ukwazi ngawe. Qhubeka ukhetha, ngamabomu, ukukhula ngendlela ecishe ifane. Ungaba abantu ababili abaphelele bese usabuya ekhaya komunye nomunye.

Imithombo

• Cleveland Clinic, 12 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship
• The Gottman Institute, The Importance of Autonomy in Your Relationship
• Drigotas, Rusbult, Wieselquist & Whitton, Close partner as sculptor of the ideal self: behavioral affirmation and the Michelangelo phenomenon (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)
• Aron & Aron, Self-expansion model (overview of the research)