Amathiphu asheshayo
- Phakamisa amehlo efonini yakho uma bekhuluma.
- Zama okuthile eningaba mabi kancane kukho nobabili.
- Sho ngokuzwakalayo into eyodwa oyithokozelayo namuhla.
Ndawana thile endleleni, ama-dethi ema. Hhayi ngamabomu. Akekho okwakumemezela. Impilo yamane yaxokozela, futhi izinsuku zakusihlwa ebeziyizenu zagcwala yikho konke okunye: izingane, ibhokisi lemeyili, izitsha, ukuphefumula okude kusofa ekupheleni kosuku oluthathe okwedlula okunikile. Nisathandana. Ningakusho ngaphandle kokungabaza. Kodwa kungakubeka ebunzimeni ukukhumbula isikhathi sokugcina owahlala ubhekene nalo muntu wazizwa ngempela inhlansi owayibhalisela.
Uma yilapho ukhona, awuhluleki. Ujwayelekile. Ubudlelwano obude buntengela ekusebenzeni ngokuzenzakalela njengendlela amanzi ehla ngayo eweni. Izindaba ezinhle ukuthi inhlansi akuwona umthombo onomkhawulo owuchitha uma ungena. Ifana kakhulu nomsipha. Isabela ekusetshenzisweni.
Futhi umsebenzi wokuyigcina awumkhulu. Muncane, uyaphindeka, futhi wenzeka kakhulu kunalokho igama elithi "uthando" elikwenza kuzwakale ngakho.
Kungani ukujwayelana kufiphaza ukukhazimula
Ekuqaleni, ubudlelwano bungukutholakala okude okukodwa. Yonke ingxoxo yembula okuthile. Wonke uhambo luyisihlava esincane ngoba ulwenza nomuntu omusha, futhi umuzwa wakho wokuthi ungubani uqhubeka ukhula ukuze wenze indawo yabo. Osazi-ngqondo abafunda izithandani banegama lalokho kukhula. Bakubiza ngokuzikhulisa, umuzwa wokuba yinguqulo enkulu, ethakazelisa kakhulu yakho ngomuntu onaye.
Inkinga ukuthi ukutholakala kuyaphela. Ngemva kweminyaka embalwa, senizazi kakhulu. Izindaba sezixoxiwe. Ubusha obenza umsebenzi omningi onzima ekuqaleni buphuma buthule esakhiweni, futhi okusele ukunethezeka. Ukunethezeka kuhle kakhulu. Futhi, ngokwako, kuyaba yisidina kancane.
Le yingxenye efanele ukuqondwa ngokucacile, ngoba ishintsha lokho okwenzayo ngayo. Ukuba yisidina akuwona uphawu lokuthi wakhetha kabi noma waphuma othandweni. Kuyisici esibikezelekayo sokwazi umuntu kahle. Abacwaningi abafunda imodeli yokuzikhulisa ka-Arthur Aron bathole ukuthi izithandani eziqhubeka zenza izinto ezintsha, ezinselelo kancane ndawonye zibika ukusondelana nokwaneliseka okwengeziwe kunezithandani ezinamathela emkhubeni ojwayelekile ofanayo omnandi. Ngamanye amazwi, ubusha bungabuyiselwa. Ukukhazimula akuhambanga. Kumane kulinde okuthile okusha ukuze kukubonise.
Ukubuye uthandane kuqala kancane kunalokho okucabangayo
Lapho abantu benquma "ukuphinde bathandane nomlingani wabo," bavame ukucabanga ngokubhukha. Umgcini wezingane, ihembe elihle, indawo yokudlela enama-napkin endwangu. Lobo busuku bubalulekile, futhi sizobufinyelela. Kodwa uma ulinda ubusuku obukhulu, uzolinda isikhathi eside, futhi ubudlelwano buphila kulesi sikhathi esiphakathi.
Isikhathi esiphakathi yilapho umsebenzi omningi wangempela wenzeka khona. UJohn Gottman, ochithe amashumi eminyaka ebuka izithandani zangempela eflethini locwaningo elifakwe amakhamera nezinzwa, wathola ukuthi izithandani ezichumayo akuzona lezo ezenza izenzo ezimangalisa kakhulu. Yilezo eziqhubeka ziphendula izimpawu ezincane zomunye nomunye zokunaka ezilula ukuzeqa. Ubiza lezi zimpawu ngokuthi ama-bid: ukuphawula ngesimo sezulu, isandla ehlombe lakho, "woza uzobuka lokhu," ukububula ongakhetha ukukubuza ngakho noma ukukushaya indiva. Ngakunye kungukungqongqoza okuncane okuthulile. *Ukhona? Uyangibona?*
Izinombolo ziyamangaza. Ezifundweni zakhe, izithandani ezazisahleli ndawonye ngenjabulo emva kweminyaka eyisithupha zaziphendukele kulawo ma-bid cishe amaphesenti angama-86 wesikhathi. Izithandani ezahlukana zaziphendukele kuwo amaphesenti angama-33 kuphela. Umehluko phakathi komshado ohlalayo nongahlali uvame ukuphila kuleyo mizuzu emincane, ekhohlakalayo, hhayi ezikhumbuzweni zeminyaka.
Ngakho ngaphambi kokuhlela noma yini, qala lapha:
- Uma umlingani wakho esho into encane, phakamisa amehlo ufonini yakho bese uphendula sengathi kubalulekile. Ngoba kunjalo. Yilowo wonke umsipha, khonapho.
- Buza umbuzo owodwa wangempela ngosuku, uhlobo ongalubuza umuntu ku-dethi yokuqala. "Yiyiphi ingxenye engcono kunazo zonke yosuku lwakho?" iyasebenza. "Kulungile, wena?" ayisebenzi.
- Thintana ngenkathi udlula. Isandla emhlane, ukuqabula okuhlala umzuzwana omude kunokuqabula kokuvalelisa okuvamile.
Akukho nokukodwa kwalokhu okubiza imali noma isikhathi ongenaso. Kuwukuqondisa kabusha. Uyeka ukuphatha umlingani wakho njengefenisha odlule kuyo izinkulungwane zezikhathi bese uqala ukubaphatha njengomuntu ofanele ukuqashelwa futhi.
Yakha i-dethi ngobusha, hhayi nje okuhle
Uma uthola ubusuku bokuphuma, melana nokudonswa ngakokujwayelekile. Indawo yokudlela efanayo, izihloko ezimbili ezifanayo, indawo yokupaka efanayo. Ayikho into embi ngento oyithandayo enokunethezeka, kodwa into oyithandayo enokunethezeka imvamisa iyagcina nje. Ivame kancane ukushumeka inhlansi.
Okushumeka inhlansi ukwenza into ongakaze niyenze nobabili. Ucwaningo ngokuzikhulisa lusebenza ngokungavamile lapha: imisebenzi eyabelwene ngayo emisha kancane neyinselelo kancane ivame ukwenza okwengeziwe ekusondelaneni kunemisebenzi emane imnandi nje. Ukungakhululeki okuncane kokuba ngabaqalayo ndawonye, ukuhleka ukuthi nobabili nikubi kangakanani entweni, kwakha kabusha ucezwana lwalezo zinsuku zokuqala lapho konke kwakukusha.
Awudingi isabelomali esikhulu noma iphasipoti. Imibono embalwa ongayintshontsha:
- Thatha ikilasi enobabili eningaba mabi kancane kulo. Ukubumba, indlela yokupheka, ukudansa, ukudubula ngomcibisholo. Ukungabi namakhono okwabelwene ngakho yilo iphuzu.
- Yiba yisivakashi edolobheni lakho. Khetha indawo ongaya kuyo bese uyihamba nje. Thola imnyuziyamu engajwayelekile, indawo encane enomudwa wabantu ngaphambili.
- Shintshanani ngokuthi ubani ohlelayo. Vumela ngamunye wenu aklame uhambo olumangazayo omunye angazi lutho ngalo. Ukukhonjiswa uhlangothi olusha lomuntu obucabanga ukuthi usumbhalile yinhlansi yalo encane.
- Kwenze kube ngokomzimba lapho ungakwazi. Ukugibela izintaba, i-kayak, ukugibela ibhayisikili ibanga elide. I-adrenaline encane eyabelwene ngayo ifundeka, ebuchosheni, njengokujabula ngomunye nomunye.
Umgomo akukona ukukhiqiza umbani ngokuyalela. Ukuqhubeka unika ubudlelwano izinto ezintsha ozosebenza ngazo, ukuze niphinde nitholane esikhundleni sokumane niqinisekise lokho enivele nikwazi.
Vikela isikhathi, noma siyanyamalala
Nali iqiniso elingakhululekile ngayo yonke inhloso enhle engenhla. Uma ukuyeka kuze kufike lapho nobabili nizizwa nifisa, ngeke kwenzeke. Isikhathi ongasivikeli sichithwa noma ubani osicela kuqala, futhi abantu abacela kuqala ngokuvamile yizingane, umphathi, nefoni. Ubudlelwano bakho buyingxenye eyodwa yempilo yakho evame kancane ukuthumela isimemo sekhalenda. Ngakho kufanele usithumelele sona.
Lokhu kuzwakala kunothando okulingana nokubona udokotela wamazinyo, futhi abantu abaningi bayakumelana ngenxa yaleso sizathu ncamashi. Ukuhlela uthando kuzwakala njengokuvuma ukuthi selubandile. Akunjalo. I-dethi emisiwe, ngisho encane, iwuthango nje oluzungeze into onqume ukuyigcina. Izindlela ezimbalwa zokwenza uthango lubambe:
- Khetha isikhathi esivamile bese usiphatha njengesibophezelo ongeke usiyekele omunye umuntu. Ubusuku obufanayo isonto ngalinye noma isonto ngasinye, kuvinjelwe kuwo womabili amakhalenda, kuvikelwe.
- Yehlisa umgoqo ukuze impela sisinde esontweni elinzima. Uhambo emva kwesidlo sakusihlwa luyabalwa. Ikhofi ngoMgqibelo ekuseni ngaphambi kokuvuka kwendlu liyabalwa. Iphuzu ihora elivikelekile, hhayi umkhiqizo.
- Yenza umthetho omncane ngamafoni. Aya edroweni, abheke phansi, athuliswe, ngaso sonke isikhathi. Ihora lokunaka kwangempela liyawedlula amahora amathathu okuba khona uhhafu.
- Shintshanani ngokunakekela izingane nomunye umndeni, noma nabelane ngomgcini, ukuze izindleko nokuhlela kuyeke ukuba yisizathu sokuthi ilokhu ihoxiswa.
Izithandani eziqhubeka zithandana akuzona lezo ezinesikhathi esikhululekile esengeziwe. Yilezo ezanquma ukuthi leli hora alixoxiswana ngalo zase zenza ngokunjalo.
Sho izinto ezithulile ngokuzwakalayo
Kukhona enye ingxenye, futhi yilula kunazo zonke ukuyeqa ngoba izwakala ilula kakhulu ukuthi uzihluphe ngayo. Tshela umlingani wakho ukuthi yini oyithokozelayo ngabo. Ngokuqondile. Ngokuzwakalayo. Kaningi.
Izithandani zesikhathi eside zishelela ziye ekuthuleni okungajwayelekile ngezinto ezinhle. Siyayibona ithawula eliwiswe phansi bese siyakhuluma ngalo. Siyakubona ukhofi abasilethela lona, indlela abaphatha ngayo ucingo olunzima, iqiniso lokuthi basekhona, bese singasho lutho, ngoba kulindelekile futhi izinto ezilindelekile azishiwongo. Lokho ukuvuza okuthulile, okuhamba kancane.
Abacwaningi abafunda ukubonga ebudlelwaneni bathole ukuthi ukwazisa okuncane, kwansuku zonke kwenza njengomjovo oqinisayo. Ocwaningweni olulodwa oludumile, abantu abazwa futhi babonisa ukubonga ngomusa ojwayelekile babika ukuzizwa besondelene nomlingani wabo ngosuku olulandelayo ngqo, kanjalo nomlingani osemukelayo. Omunye umsebenzi uthole ukuthi izithandani zivame ukweseka ngaphansi ukuthi umlingani wazo umbonga kangakanani ngempela. Ukufudumala kuvame ukuba khona. Kumane kungasho, ngakho akekho kubo othola ukukuzwa.
Zama ukuvala lelo gebe ngamabomu. Uma umlingani wakho enza into enomcabango, kuqambe. "Ngiyabonga ngokusingatha isikhathi sokulala, bengikudinga ngempela lokho." Uma uzibamba ubancoma ngaphesheya kwegumbi, batshele kamuva. Kuzozwakala kudalula kancane izikhathi zokuqala ezimbalwa. Kwenze noma kunjalo. Awushongo okusobala. Unika umuntu ubufakazi bokuthi basabonwa.
Uma ibanga lizwakala likhulu kunalokho i-dethi engakulungisa
Akusona sonke isikhathi esomile esiyisikhathi esomile nje. Ngezinye izikhathi ukungaxhumani kubanzi futhi kudala, futhi izidlo ezimbalwa ezinhle ngeke zikufinyelele. Uma wena nomlingani wakho nizizwa ningathi ningabahlala ndawonye kunokuba ningabalingani, uma izingxoxo ziqhubeka ziphetha ngokuxabana okufanayo noma ukuthula okuqaphile, uma kukhona inzondo ebilokhu yakheka iminyaka, lokho kungokwangempela futhi kufanelwe ukunakwa kwangempela.
Lokho akuwona uphawu lokuthi ubudlelwano sebulahliwe. Kuwuphawu lokuthi bungadinga okwedlula lokho abantu ababili abangakuxazulula bodwa. Udokotela wengqondo wezithandani akulona ithuluzi lokugcina ngaphambi kokuphela. Izithandani eziningi eziqinile zibona omunye njengendlela ezingabona ngayo umqeqeshi, ukufunda amakhono nokususa izinto ebezilokhu ziqongelela buthule. Uma ukufinyelela ndawonye kuzwakala kukhulu kakhulu, ukukhuluma nodokotela wengqondo wedwa ngendlela ozizwa ngayo kuyindawo efanele ngokuphelele yokuqala.
Futhi uma noma iyiphi ingxenye yobudlelwano bakho ike ikushiye uzizwa wesaba, ulawulwa, noma ungaphephile, lokho kungaphezu komkhawulo wobusuku bama-dethi, futhi kufanelwe ukwesekwa okuvela kumuntu oqeqeshelwe ukukusiza ucabangisise ngakho. Ukufinyelela kulolo hlobo losizo kungenye yezinto ezinamandla kakhulu umuntu angazenza.
Kodwa ezithandanini eziningi, ibanga liwuhlobo olujwayelekile, ukuntengantenga okuhamba kancane kwabantu ababili abamatasa abayeka ukunaka. Lolo hlobo lufinyeleleka. Luyagobela emzamweni omncane, ozinzile. Akudingeki ubuyise ncamashi lokho obunakho ekuqaleni. Uthola ithuba lokwakha okuthile inguqulo yokuqala eyayingeke ikuthinte, ukusondelana okuthize kwabantu ababili ababonane iminyaka futhi abasakhetha, namuhla kusihlwa, ukuphendukela komunye nomunye.
Qala ngombuzo owodwa phezu kwesidlo sakusihlwa. Bheka ukuthi kuya kuphi.
Imithombo
- The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
- PubMed Central, Planning date nights that promote closeness: The roles of relationship goals and self-expansion
- Greater Good Science Center (UC Berkeley), It's the Little Things: Everyday Gratitude as a Booster Shot for Romantic Relationships
- PubMed Central, Understanding the Links Between Perceiving Gratitude and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction