Amathiphu asheshayo
- Uma befinyelela kuwe, phakamisa amehlo uphendule.
- Vikela into eyodwa eniyenza ndawonye engenanjongo.
- Buza ukuthi yini ebisemqondweni wabo muva nje.
Kwesinye isikhathi ebudlelwaneni obude, kungenzeka into engajwayelekile. Nisengabalingani. Nihlukanisa izikweletu, nihlela ikhalenda ndawonye, niyabuzana ukuthi omunye uyikhumbulile yini into ethile. Bese niyabona ukuthi anisakhumbuli ukuthi kwakunini okokugcina nijabulela ubukhona bomunye nomunye, ngendlela obungenza ngayo nomngane obujabula ukumbona.
Lokhu kuvamile kunalokho abantu abakuvumayo. Akusho ukuthi uthando luphelile. Ngokuvamile kusho ukuthi ubungane obungaphansi kothando buthule kancane, bugujwe ngaphansi kwezinhlelo zansuku zonke, ukukhathala, kanye nohlu olude lwezinto okumele zenziwe. Izindaba ezinhle ukuthi ubungane yiyo ingxenye ongayakha kabusha, futhi yiyo ingxenye ebaluleke kakhulu ekutheni yonke le nto iyahlala yini.
Ubungane buyisisekelo, hhayi isipho esengeziwe
Kunomkhuba wokuphatha ubungane ebudlelwaneni njengento nje eyengeziwe emnandi. Uthando yilo umcimbi omkhulu; ukuba ngabangane kuwumphumela omuhle nje uma unenhlanhla. Ucwaningo lukhomba enye indlela.
Lapho ochwepheshe bezomnotho uShawn Grover noJohn Helliwell bebheka imininingwane yenhlalakahle yezinkulungwane zabantu abashadile, bathola ukuthi ukwanda kwenjabulo yomshado kwakukubili ngokuphindwe kabili kubantu ababethi umlingani wabo ngumngane wabo omkhulu. Kabili. Umugqa womshado kwifomu wawufana kuzo zombili izimo. Ubungane obungaphakathi yibo obenza umsebenzi omningi.
Umcwaningi wobudlelwano uJohn Gottman, owachitha amashumi eminyaka ebuka imibhangqwana yangempela elabhorethri, wafinyelela esiphethweni esifanayo esuka endleleni ehluke ngokuphelele. Emodelini yakhe, ubungane obujulile buyisisekelo yonke le nto yobudlelwano emi phezu kwaso, into ukuthembana, ukuzibophezela, ngisho nempilo yobulili emnandi kwakhelwa phezu kwayo. Hhayi uphahla. Iphansi.
Ngakho uma ubungane buzwakala buncane njengamanje, lokho kufanele kunakwe. Kuyalungiseka futhi, futhi izixazululo zincane kunalokho obungacabanga.
Ubungane buphila ezicelweni ezincane zokuxhumana
Nansi ingxenye emangaza abantu. Ubungane phakathi kwabalingani ababili abakhiwa kakhulu ngezenzo ezinkulu zothando. Bakhiwa, noma buguguleke, ezimizuzwini emincane yansuku zonke okulula ukungayinaki.
UGottman ubiza le mizuzwana ngokuthi izicelo. Isicelo yinoma yikuphi ukufinyelela okuncane kokuxhumana. Umlingani wakho uthi "hheyi, bheka le nyoni" noma "bengiphuphe iphupho elixakayo kunawo wonke" noma nje adonse umoya ngendlela esho okuthile. Kuleso sikhashana, wenza okukodwa kwezinto ezintathu. Uyaphendukela kubo uxhumane, ngisho kancane nje. Uyafulathela ungabi nandaba nakho. Noma uphikisane nakho ngentukuthelo.
Akukho kwalokhu okuzwakala kuyinto enkulu ngaleso sikhathi. Ngeminyaka, kunquma cishe konke. Imibhangqwana eqhubeka nokuphendukela ezicelweni ezincane zomunye nomunye ihlala ifudumele. Imibhangqwana eqhubeka nokuwageja ngokuhamba kwesikhathi iba abantu abahlala ekamelweni elilodwa okwenzeka babelane ngombhede. Isicelo sincane. Iphethini ayincane.
Ukwazi lokhu kukhulula ngendlela exakayo. Kusho ukuthi awudingi ukuhlela usuku lothando oluyinkimbinkimbi ukuze ulungise izinto. Unamathuba angamashumi ngosuku, amaningi awo athatha imizuzwana eyishumi.
Qhubeka nokubuyekeza imephu yakho yokuthi bangobani
Abantu bayaguquka. Umuntu owathandana naye eminyakeni emihlanu edlule unokukhathazeka okusha, izinto ezintsha ezincane azithanda ngokweqile, umbono ohluke kancane wokuthi ufuna impilo yakhe ibukeke kanjani. Abangane bayakuqaphela lokhu. Imibhangqwana ivamise ukuyeka, ngoba icabanga ukuthi isivele iyazi.
Igama likaGottman lokuhlala uyazi yimephu yakho yothando, ulwazi oluqhubekayo, olunemininingwane lwezwe langaphakathi lomlingani wakho. Yini ebacindezelayo njengamanje. Yini abaziqhenya ngayo ngasese. Igama likazakwabo obacasulayo. Wakha imephu yothando ngendlela efanayo obungahlala ngayo useduze nanoma yimuphi umngane omdala. Uyabuza, bese uyalalela ngempela.
Imibuzo embalwa ejula ngaphezu kwethi "usuku lwakho belunjani":
- Yini ebisemqondweni wakho muva nje ongazange uyisho ngokuzwakalayo?
- Ingabe kukhona okulindele ngabomvu njengamanje?
- Yini engenza leli sonto lizwakale lingasindi kangako?
- Ingabe kukhona okushintshile kuwe engingase ngibe ngingakunakanga?
Imibuzo ibaluleke kancane kunesimo esingemuva kwayo. Uphatha umlingani wakho njengomuntu osaqhubeka nokuvela, hhayi into engaguquki osuqedile ukuyifunda eminyakeni edlule.
Zijabulise ngamabomu
Abangane benza izinto ndawonye ngaphandle kwesizathu ngaphandle nje kokuthi kuyajabulisa. Kwesinye isikhathi endleleni, imibhangqwana eminingi iyakuyeka nya lokhu. Yonke into eyenziwa ndawonye iba umsebenzi onzima, umsebenzi othunyiwe, noma umhlangano wokuhlela ngezingane.
Ukudlala akuyona into engatho lutho lapha. Yiyo indlela okhumbula ngayo ukuthi kungani nanithandana. Ngakho vikela isikhathi esithile esingenanjongo nesingenanhloso ecoyayo. Phekani ndawonye into ngendlela embi. Bukani uhlelo oluwubuwula. Hambani nihambe ningaqondile ndawo. Gcinani into eyodwa eniyenza ndawonye eyenu nobabili kuphela engavunyelwe ukuba ibe usizo.
Futhi qapha inhlonipho yobungane. Ngomngane, ubungathi ngiyabonga, ubungaqaphela lapho enza into enomusa, ubungabanika ithuba lokungangabazi ngaphambi kokucabanga okubi kakhulu. Le nhlonipho ivame ukuba yinto yokuqala eguguleka nomuntu esisondelene naye kakhulu, futhi kubalulekile ukuyigcina ngamabomu. UGottman wathola ukuthi umkhuba oqhubekayo wothando nokwazisa, ukumane uqaphele lokho okuncomayo bese ukusho, kungenye yezimpawu ezicace kakhulu zemibhangqwana ehamba ibanga elide.
Isexwayiso esisodwa esiqotho
Kunenguqulo yalesi seluleko eyeqa kakhulu, futhi kufanele siyiqambe. "Yenza umlingani wakho abe yikho konke kuwe" akusiyo inhloso.
Ucwaningo lwango-2025 ku-*Journal of Social and Personal Relationships* lwathola ukuthi abantu ababethi umlingani wabo wothando ngumngane wabo omkhulu oyedwa bazizwa besondelene futhi benobungane ngokwengeziwe, kodwa futhi babika ukwesekwa okuncane emphakathini wabo obanzi. Uma umuntu oyedwa eba yizwe lakho lonke lezenhlalo, izwe lakho liba lincane futhi libe buthaka kakhulu. Ubungane obungaphandle kobudlelwano abusona usongo kubo. Buyingxenye yalokho okubugcina buphilile.
Lokhu kuhambisana nalokho esikwaziyo ngobungane ngokubanzi. I-American Psychological Association iphawula ukuthi ubungane obuseduze buhlotshaniswa nokucindezeleka okuncane, impilo yengqondo engcono, ngisho nempilo ende ngokwengeziwe. Ufuna umlingani wakho abe umngane omuhle. Awufuni abe yena yedwa onaye.
Uma ibanga lingaphezu kokwehla kwesikhashana
Ukwehla okuningi kobungane kuyasabela lapho kunakwa. Uqala ukuphendukela ezicelweni ezincane futhi, ube nentshisekelo ngomunye nomunye, uvikele injabulo encane, bese ukufudumala kubuya emasontweni ambalwa.
Ngezinye izikhathi kunzima ngaphezu kwalokho. Uma senizithole senisele ekudelelaneni okuqhubekayo noma ekuvimbeni inkulumo, uma izingxoxo zihlala ziphetha endaweni efanayo ebuhlungu, uma omunye noma nobabili senithule nazidela, lokho kudinga okungaphezu kwesihloko sokuzisiza. Umeluleki omuhle wemibhangqwana akusona isinyathelo sokugcina noma uphawu lokwehluleka. Kusondele ekuqasheni umholi owazi indawo, futhi imibhangqwana ivamise ukuya kuye kudala kunalokho ecabanga ukuthi kufanele iye ngakho.
Futhi uma ubudlelwano bungezwakali buphephile, uma kukhona ukwesaba, ukulawula, noma ukulimala okuhilelekile, leso yisimo esihlukile kunobungane obufiphele, futhi sifanelwe ukwesekwa kwangempela okuvela kubantu abaqeqeshelwe khona.
Kepha ngokufiphala okujwayelekile, qala kusihlwa namuhla, futhi qala ngokuncane. Ngokulandelayo lapho umlingani wakho efinyelela kuwe ngamazwana angatho lutho, phakamisa amehlo. Phendula. Lezo mizuzwana eyishumi yiyo yonke into, ephindaphindwe iminyaka.
Imithombo
- The Gottman Institute, F is for Friendship
- National Bureau of Economic Research, How's Life at Home? New Evidence on Marriage and the Set Point for Happiness (Grover & Helliwell)
- American Psychological Association, The science of why friendships keep us healthy
- Phys.org, Companionship rises but support from friends falls when romantic partners become best friends, study shows