Amathiphu asheshayo
- Beka ifoni phansi, uphendule isicelo sabo esincane ngokugcwele.
- Zamani into eyodwa entsha ndawonye kuleli sonto.
- Buyisa ukuthintana okungahleliwe, ngaphandle kwenhloso.
Kukhona umzuzu, ngemva konyaka owodwa noma emibili yokuqala, lapho izithandani ziqaphela ukuthi umculo usushintshile. Imilayezo iba mifushane. Uyeka ukulandisana usuku lwakho ngokuningiliziwe. Ningaba segumbini elilodwa nifunda izinto ezimbili ezihlukene bese nithi ubusuku obuhle. Abanye abantu bakuzwa lokho njengenduduzo. Abanye bazwa ukukhathazeka okuncane, okuyimfihlo: ingabe yilokhu? Ingabe kukhona esikulahlile?
Awulahlekelwanga lutho. Unyakazile.
Isikhathi sokuqala sobudlelwano sinegama nekhemistri yaso. Isigaba sothando oluvuthayo yisikhathi lapho ubuchopho bakho, ngamazwi eCleveland Clinic, "bugcwele i-dopamine," ikhemikhali yomvuzo nokulangazelela. Lokho kugcwala yikho okwenza umuntu omusha othandana naye azizwe njengesidakamizwa. Ukunaka kwakho kugxila kuyena. Amaphutha akhe ayafiphala. Kungahlala amasonto, izinyanga, noma kwezinye izimo iminyaka embili, kodwa akwakhelwe ukuba kuhlale phakade, futhi bekungakhathaza uma kunjalo.
Okulandelayo kuthola igama elibi okungalifanele.
Yini efiphalayo ngempela, neyingafiphali
Abacwaningi bavame ukuhlukanisa uthando lwezithandani ngezinhlobo ezimbili. Kukhona uthando olunentshiseko, uhlobo oluphuthumayo, olubamba ingqondo, olungakwazi ukuyeka ukucabanga ngawe. Kukhona nothando lobungani, uhlobo olunobubele, oluthembayo, olujwayeleke ngokujulile olukhula njengoba izimpilo ezimbili zisondelana.
Isithombe socwaningo esineqiniso sithi uthando olunentshiseko luyaphola. Isazi sengqondo u-Elaine Hatfield, owachitha impilo yakhe efunda lokhu, wakusho ngokungananazi: uthando olunentshiseko "lunikeza ukuphakama, njengezidakamizwa, futhi awukwazi ukuhlala uphakeme phakade." Izifundo ezibuyela emuva ngamashumi eminyaka zithola ukuthi amandla ayehla, ngokuvamile aqala ngokushesha ngemva kokuzibophezela.
Okungasho ukuphola kwentshiseko akusho ukuthi ukusondelana sekuphelile. I-dopamine iyabuyela emuva, umbala oyirozi uyasuka, bese uqala ukubona umuntu wangempela okanye naye. Lokho kuzwakala kuwukulahlekelwa. Empeleni kuwumnyango wohlobo lokusondelana ongelutholanga nomuntu ongazi omthandayo ngokweqile: ukwaziwa, kanye namaphutha akho, uphinde uhlale.
Ngakho umbuzo obalulekile akusiwo othi "sizoyibuyisa kanjani inhlansi," sengathi umgomo uwukusetha kabusha ubudlelwano bube yinyanga yesibili. Umbuzo uwukuthi uyinakekela kanjani into ejulile ekhula manje, nokuthi ugcina kanjani ukufudumala nokudlala kuphila ngaphakathi kwayo.
Imizuzu emincane ibaluleke ukwedlula emikhulu
Uma wake wacabanga ukuthi izithandani eziqinile yilezo ezinobusuku obuhle bokuvakashelana noma ezingavamile ukulwa, ucwaningo lusho okunye. Into ebikezela ngokuthula ukuthi ubudlelwano buyachuma yini incane kakhulu kunalokho.
UJohn Gottman, owarekhoda izithandani elabhoratri wazilandela iminyaka, wakha umsebenzi wakhe mayelana nalokho akubiza ngesicelo sokuxhumana: noma yiliphi izinga elincane lokuzama ukuxhumana. "Bheka leyo nyoni." "Yeka usuku olude." Isandla esibekwe ehlombe lakho ngenkathi upheka. Isicelo ngasinye siyisimemo esincane, futhi ungasiphendukela (ukubukisa, izwi, impendulo yangempela), usiphendukele kwenye indlela (ukugwavuma, ifoni), noma usimelane naso (ukukhwifa).
Nakhu okufanele uhlale nakho. Ocwaningweni lukaGottman, izithandani ezazisajabule ndawonye eminyakeni ekayo emva kwesikhathi zaziphendukele ezicelweni zomunye komunye cishe amaphesenti angama-86. Izithandani ezazehlukene noma zaba lusizi zaziphendukele kuphela cishe isikhathi esisodwa kwezintathu. Umehluko phakathi komshado ohlalayo nongahlali wavela hhayi ezingxabanweni ezinkulu kodwa emizuzwaneni eyizinkulungwane emibili engenamuntu owayecabanga ukuthi ibalulekile.
Lezo yizindaba ezinhle, ngeqiniso. Kusho ukuthi ukusondelana ngemva kwesigaba sothando oluvuthayo akwakhiwa kabusha ngezenzo ezinkulu. Kwakhiwa kabusha esiphithiphithini esejwayelekile solwesibili.
Indlela yokuphendukela kubo kaningi
- Uma othandana naye esho into encane, yeka lokho okwenzayo imizuzwana emithathu bese uphendula ngempela. Beka ifoni ibheke phansi. Lokho kuma okuncane kuyilo lonke ikhono.
- Qaphela nezicelo zakho zokuxhumana. "Ake uzobheka lokhu" nguwe ozelulayo isandla. Uma naye ebuyisa isandla, kuvumele kufike.
- Lungisa ngokushesha uma uphuthelwe. Kuyokwenzeka uphendukele kwenye indlela ngezinye izikhathi. "Uxolo, phinda ukusho lokho, bengicabanga" kususa umonakalo omningi.
- Gcina uhlu lwangasese lwalokho othandana naye adlula kukho kuleli sonto. Ukubuza ngakho kamuva kungenye yezinto ezisondelene kakhulu ongazenza.
Kungani ukwenza izinto ezintsha ndawonye kuvuselela ukusondelana
Okunye okutholakele okuthembekile kumayelana nobusha, futhi kumangalisa ukuthi kuphathelene nomzimba.
Uma ubudlelwano buzinza emkhubeni ojwayelekile, isipiliyoni ngokwaso siyaba yisicaba. Uyeka ukufunda izinto ezintsha ngomunye komunye ngoba usuyekile ukuba nezipiliyoni ezintsha nhlobo. Ucwaningo lwesazi sengqondo u-Arthur Aron lukhomba isixazululo esisobala ngendlela ekhwabanisayo: yenzani izinto ezintsha, ezijabulisa kancane ndawonye. Izithandani ezenza imisebenzi emisha nevusa umdlandla zibika ukuzizwa zisondelene futhi zaneliseke kakhulu kunezithandani ezenza ezijabulisayo, ezijwayelekile. Ucwaningo lwakamuva ngobusuku bokuvakashelana lwathola udaba olufanayo, ukuthi ukuhlela isikhathi esijabulisa ngempela ndawonye kondla umuzwa wokukhula, futhi lokho kukhula kondla ukusondelana.
Indlela okusebenza ngayo akusilo uthando ngenxa yalo uqobo. Ukuthi ubusha buyakuvusa. I-adrenaline encane, indawo engajwayelekile, into enobabili eningaba yiyona kahle, bese uqala ukunaka othandana naye ngendlela owawukwenza ngayo lapho konke ngaye kwakusekusha.
Lokhu akudingi imali noma iphasipoti. Umzila omusha wokuhamba. Iresiphi eningakaze niyenze nobabili. Ikilasi, uhambo oluncane, umdlalo, iphrojekthi. Iphuzu wukuthi niyaqalayo ndawonye entweni ethile, ngisho okwesikhashana nje.
Ukusondelana kungaphezu kobulili, futhi ubulili budinga okwedlula ukwenzeka ngokuzenzakalela
Ukusondelana kuhlala emagumbini ambalwa ahlukene. Kukhona ukusondelana kwemizwa, ukukwazi ukusho into eyiqiniso engathokozisi bese uthemba ukuthi uyoqhubeka ubanjwe. Kukhona uhlobo lomzimba, oluhlanganisa ubulili kodwa futhi nakho konke ukuthintana okungahleliwe okungahlangene nabo: isandla emhlane, ukwanga isikhathi eside, ukuhlala eduze.
Ngemva kwesigaba sothando oluvuthayo, ukuthintana okungahleliwe kuvame ukuba yinto yokuqala enyamalala ngokuthula, futhi kufanele ukuvikelwa kukodwa. Ngokuphathelene nobulili, izithandani eziningi ezinesikhathi eside zithola ukuthi isifiso siyeka ukufika sisodwa, kufanele sivulelwe isikhala. Ukukukhetha ngamabomu akusho ukuthi awunalo uthando. Kubantu abaningi, ukuzimisela ukuhlela nokubeka ukusondelana phambili yikhona kanye okwenza kungaphambuki.
Ukukhuluma nganoma yikuphi kwalokhu kungazwakala kuhlaba umxhwele. Kwenze noma kunjalo, ngobumnene, ngaphandle kwekamelo lokulala nangaphandle kwengxabano. "Ngiyakukhumbula ukusondelana nawe" nakho kuyisicelo sokuxhumana.
Uma ibanga liyinto ethile engaphezulu
Ukuphola kokuphakama kokuqala kujwayelekile. Ukuba nesizungu okungapheli ngaphakathi kobudlelwano kuyinto ehlukile, futhi kufanele ukuthathwe njengokubalulekile.
Uma uzizwa ungabonwa njalo, uma izingxoxo seziphenduke zaba ukudelela noma ukuvala umlomo, uma omunye noma nobabili senihoxile, lezo yizinhlobo umeluleki wezithandani omuhle asebenza nazo nsuku zonke, futhi kungcono ukwenza kusenesikhathi kunokuba sekwephuzile. Umeluleki onelayisensi noma umeluleki odlula kudokotela wakho noma insizakalo efana nohlu lwe-AAMFT ingasiza. Futhi uma kukhona okwesabekayo ebudlelwaneni, uma uzizwa ulawulwa, wesaba, noma ungaphephile, leyo akuyona inkinga yokusondelana eningayixazulula ndawonye, futhi ufanelwe ukwesekwa kwangempela ngokuthinta i-domestic violence hotline noma uchwepheshe omethembayo.
Nokho, inguqulo evamile yale ndaba inethemba. Iziqhumane bezingelona ubudlelwano. Beziyisimemezelo. Okukhula ngemva kokufiphala kwazo, kancane kancane, ngokubukana nomusa omncane nezikhathi ezithize zezehlakalo ezintsha, yiyona ngxenye oyigcinayo ngempela.
Imithombo
- Cleveland Clinic, What Is the Honeymoon Phase and How Long Does It Last?
- American Psychological Association, The Love Drug: The eternal question, does love last?
- The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
- National Center for Biotechnology Information, Planning date nights that promote closeness: The roles of relationship goals and self-expansion