Amathiphu asheshayo
- Zamani okusha ndawonye, hhayi nje okumnandi.
- Bheka phezulu uma befinyelela kuwe.
- Buza ukuthi yini ebikade isengqondweni yabo muva nje.
Kukhona ukuthula okuthile okuzinza ebudlelwaneni obude. Ningaqedelelana imisho. Uyazi ukuthi uhlangothi luphi lombhede, i-oda liphi lekhofi, buphi ubuso obusho usuku olubi emsebenzini. Kunethezekile, futhi ukunethezeka kuyisipho salo ngokwaso. Kodwa ndawana thile kukho konke lokho kwazi, izithandani eziningi zibheka phezulu ngolunye usuku bese ziyaqaphela ukuthi azisakhumbuli ukuthi omunye umuntu wagcina nini ukubamangaza. Izingxoxo seziphenduke ezokuhlela. Ubani othatha izingane, ingabe uyikhokhile leyo nto, ingabe siphelelwe ubisi.
Uma ulapho, phefumula. Awuphukanga, nobudlelwano bakho abuphukanga. Ukufiphala kwaloluya gesi lokuqala kungenye yezipiliyoni ezijwayeleke kunazo zonke abantu ababili abangaba nazo, futhi kunencazelo eyisicefe kancane. Kunezindaba ezinhle ngempela ezinamathiselwe kukho, ukuthi abantu abafunda lokhu njengomsebenzi wabo banesithombe esicacile kakhulu salokho okubuyisa ukufudumala.
Kungani ukuphakama kokuqala kungahlali (nokuthi kungani lokho kulungile)
Ekuqaleni, umuntu omusha othandana naye uwumhlaba wonke okumele uwuhlole. Ufunda izindaba zabo, izinto abazithandayo, indlela ababona ngayo izinto obungakaze uzicabange. Izazi zengqondo u-Arthur no-Elaine Aron banika lokhu igama: ukwandisa isiqu. Sidonswa abantu abasikhulisayo, abengeza okuthile kulokho esiyikho, futhi uthando lokuqala luyisithontsi esiqhubekayo salokho kanye. Umuzwa wakho ngawe uba mkhulu ngokusondela kumuntu omusha. Kuzwakala njengokundiza.
Bese ufunda izindaba. Usuwezwile amahlaya. Ukukhula obekufika ngokushesha ekuqaleni kwehla kuye kuhamba kancane, hhayi ngoba kukhona okuhambe kabi, kodwa ngoba kusele okuncane okungaziwa okumele kumuncwe. Abacwaningi baxhumanise lokho kwehla nesithukuthezi nokusondelana okufiphele okungangena ngisho nasebudlelwaneni obuhle ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.
Ngakho inhlansi yokuqala bekungeyona into yangempela iphela. Bekuwukujaha kwezihambi ezimbili ezijwayelanayo, futhi awukwazi ukuba yizihambi kabili. Ongakwenza ukuqhubeka ukhula, ndawonye, ngamabomu. Kuvela lokho kuwuwo umdlalo omningi.
Yenza izinto ezintsha, hhayi nje izinto ezimnandi
Nakhu okutholakele okumangaza abantu. Uma izithandani zifuna ukuzizwa zisondelene, zivame ukufinyelela entweni emnandi nephumuzayo. Isidlo sakusihlwa esimnandi. Ubusuku obuthule ekhaya. Lezo zinhle. Kodwa ucwaningo lukhomba ndawana thile ehluke kancane.
Ochungechungeni lwezifundo osesiyisigxina manje, u-Aron nozakwabo baba nezithandani ezenza umsebenzi omfushane ndawonye. Ezinye zenza into ejwayelekile. Ezinye zenza into entsha nebucayi kancane, ngisho neyize kancane. Izithandani ezathatha umsebenzi omusha, ovusa umdlandla kancane zaphuma zizizwa zisondelene ngokuphawulekayo futhi zaneliseke kakhulu ngobudlelwano bazo kunezithandani ezenza into ejwayelekile. Umsebenzi ojabulisayo wanciphisa isithukuthezi sazo, futhi ukusondelana kwalandela lapho.
Isifundo silula kunalokho okuzwakala. Ubusha benza okuthile ezithandanini okuthi ubumnandi bodwa bungakwenzi. Uma nizama into entsha ndawonye, ingxenyana yaleyo kwandisa isiqu kokuqala iyabuya, futhi ubuchopho bakho buthele ngokuthula umuzwa omuhle kumuntu ohlezi eceleni kwakho.
Lokhu akudingi uhambo olukhulu noma ukugxumela phansi usemoyeni. Okusha kudinga nje ukuba kusha kini nobabili.
- Thathani ikilasi ndawonye ngento eningayazi nobabili. Ukubumba izitsha, ulimi, ukudansa, amakhono okusika ngommese.
- Yiyani endaweni ethile edolobheni lakini eningakaze niye kuyo, bese niyiphatha njengezivakashi.
- Phekani uhlobo lokudla eningakaze nizame ukuluphaka, kabi, bese nihleka ngakho.
- Bhekanani nephrojekthi encane njengethimba, uhlobo olunomphumela eningema emuva niwubuke.
- Yibani nomdlandla ndawonye. Uhambo lwezintaba olunzima kancane, ukugibela ibhayisikili, noma yini ekhuphula inhliziyo yakho kancane, njengoba okunye kwaleyo mizwa yomzimba kubonakala kondla ukusondelana.
Iphuzu akuwona umsebenzi. Kuwukuba ngoqalayo ndawonye futhi, niphuthaza entweni, nibona uhlangothi olusha lomunye komunye. Yileyo ngxenye evuselela izinto.
Ibalo lansuku zonke lokuhlala nisondelene
Ubusha bubuyisa okunye ukushisa, kodwa ukushisa kodwa akubambi ubudlelwano ndawonye. Isimo somoya sansuku zonke sibaluleke kakhulu, futhi kulokho, umsebenzi owusizo kunazo zonke uvela kuJohn Gottman noRobert Levenson, abachitha iminyaka bebuka izithandani zangempela zisebenzelana bese belandelela ukuthi yiziphi ezahlala.
Bathola iphethini ephawulekayo. Izithandani ezahlala zijabule ndawonye zazigcina ibhalansi ecishe ibe yimizuzu emihlanu emihle kuyo yonke emibi ngesikhathi sokungavumelani. Ukufudumala, ihlaya, ukuthinta engalweni, ukulungisa okuncane ngemva kwezwi elibukhali. Uma leyo bhalansi yehla iya kokukodwa-nokukodwa, ubudlelwano babunethuba elikhulu kakhulu lokuhlukana ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Ngaphandle kwengxabano, isilinganiso sezithandani ezichumayo sasiphakeme nakakhulu, into esondele emizuzwini engamashumi amabili emihle kuyo yonke emibi.
Imizuzu emincane ohlala uyiphuthelwa
UGottman unegama lezenzo ezincane esizithumelelana usuku lonke, lezo okulula ukuzeqa. Uzibiza ngezicelo zokuxhumana. Isicelo yinoma yikuphi ukufinyelela okuncane kokunakwa noma ukufudumala. "Bheka le nyoni ngaphandle." "Yeka usuku." Ukububula okumele ubuze ngakho. Isandla esiphumule eduze kwesakho kusofa.
Ungasiphendukela isicelo, ngokubheka phezulu, uphendule, ubeke ifoni phansi umzuzwana. Noma ungasifulathela, ngokusiphuthelwa, ususe ngendlwabu, uhlale ulahlekile esikrinini. Akukho kule mizuzu okuzwakala kuyinto enkulu ngokwako. Uma ihlanganiswe eminyakeni, icishe ibe yiyo yonke into.
Kwesinye sezifundo zikaGottman, izithandani zalethwa elabhoratri zabukwa, bese zilandelwa eminyakeni eyisithupha kamuva. Izithandani ezaziseseyihlangene zaziphendukele ezicelweni zomunye komunye cishe amaphesenti angama-86. Izithandani ezazidivosile zakwazi lokho kuphela cishe isikhathi esisodwa kwezintathu. Umehluko phakathi komshado owabambelela nongazange wabambelela wehlela, ngokwengxenye enkulu, ekutheni abantu baqhubeka yini bephendulana ekufinyeleleni okuncane, okujwayelekile.
Izindlela ezimbalwa zokuphendukela, kuqala namuhla
- Uma bekutshela into encane, yeka lokho okwenzayo bese uyayamukela ngempela. Ukubukana ngamehlo. Impendulo yangempela.
- Yenza ukubonga okukodwa okuqondile ngokuzwakalayo nsuku zonke. Hhayi "umuhle," kodwa "ngiyabonga ngokuphatha ekuseni, bengicwilile."
- Yakha isiko lokuphinda nixhumane. Imizuzwana eyisithupha yokwanga kwangempela emnyango. Imizuzu eyishumi yenkulumo engeyona eyokuhlela ngaphambi kokulala.
- Uma ubukhaliphile noma uqhelile, kulungise ngokushesha. "Lokho kuphume kunolaka, ngiyaxolisa." Ukulungisa okuncane yikho okugcina ukuqhekeka okuncane kuncane.
Ukuvuza okuhamba kancane okufanele kuvinjwe
Ngenkathi wengeza imizuzu emihle, kufanele uqaphele leyo edonsa ithanki ngokuthula. Ucwaningo lukaGottman lucacile ngendlela efanayo ngalokho okugugula ubudlelwano njengalokho okubugcinayo, futhi umonakalo awuvamile ukuvela eziqhumaneni ezinkulu. Uvela emikhubeni emincane, ephindaphindiwe eguqula izinga lokushisa lansuku zonke libe libandayo.
Okugugula kakhulu kwako ukudelela. Ukuphothoza amehlo, ukubhinqa, ithoni ethi "ngingaphezu kwakho," ukwehlisa okuncane okubeka othandana naye njengenkinga kunokubeka inkinga njengenkinga. Ezifundweni zikaGottman zokulandelela, leso simo sasingesinye sezimpawu eziqinile kunazo zonke zokuthi ubudlelwano busenkingeni. Ilandela eduze ukugxeka okubukhali okuhlasela umuntu esikhundleni sokuziphatha, "uhlala njalo," "awukaze," "yini engalungile ngawe." Bese kulandela ukuvala umlomo, lapho omunye othandana naye evala aphinde athule ngaphansi kwengcindezi, ashiye omunye ekhuluma nodonga.
Iningi lethu senza enye inguqulo yalezi uma sikhathele futhi silimele. Ukulungisa ikakhulukazi kumayelana nokukubamba. Esikhundleni sokuthi "awukaze usize lapha," zama isikhalazo esiqondile esingaphansi kwaso: "Ngicwilile futhi ngidinga usizo ngesidlo sakusihlwa." Esikhundleni sokuthula uma ukhukhulwe imizwa, kuqambe bese ucela ikhefu elifushane, bese ubuya ngempela. Ukunquma lokhu kuvuza kubalulekile njengokuhle okwengezayo, ngoba ubudlelwano bungagcwala imizuzu emnandi buphinde buphele kancane ngokudelela osekube umkhuba.
Hlala ufuna ukwazi ngomuntu osumaziyo
Kukhona ugibe oluthule othandweni olude. Unquma, ndawana thile endleleni, ukuthi usuqedile ukufunda othandana naye. Unefayela elingaguquki ngokuthi bangobani, bese uyeka ukulibuyekeza. Kodwa abantu bayaqhubeka beshintsha. Umuntu ongaphesheya kwetafula akafani nalowo owahlangana naye, futhi indlela eqinisekile kunazo zonke yokuzizwa uqhelile kumuntu ukuqhubeka usebenzelana nenguqulo yakhe endala.
Yilapha ukufuna ukwazi kuba uhlobo lwenhlansi ngokwako. Izithandani ezihlala zisondelene zivame ukugcina ulwazi olusebenzayo ngomhlaba wangaphakathi womunye komunye, okubakhathazayo muva nje, abakuthembayo, okushintshile. UGottman ubiza lokhu ngokugcina amabalazwe akho omunye komunye ebuyekeziwe. Akudingi ingxoxo enkulu. Kudinga ukuzimisela ukubuza umbuzo wangempela ngezikhathi ezithile nokulalela sengathi ungezwa okuthile obungakwazi.
- Buza ngokuthile okungekona ukuhlela. "Yini ebisengqondweni yakho muva nje?" "Ingabe kukhona okulindele ngabomvu?"
- Qaphela lapho beshintshe umqondo wabo ngokuthile, bese ufuna ukwazi esikhundleni sokubalungisa ngalokho ababekade beyikho.
- Gcina izinto ezimbalwa ezisakhula kuwe, izintshisekelo zakho nobungani bakho, ukuze ngamunye wenu ahlale engumuntu ofanele ukufunwa ukwazi ngaye.
Ukukhula njengomuntu ngamunye akusona isongelo ebudlelwaneni. Kuyingxenye yalokho okugcina abantu ababili bethakazelisa omunye komunye.
Isifiso silandela ukuxhumana
Abantu abaningi bakhathazeka ngokuthula ukuthi ukusondelana komzimba okufiphalayo kusho ukuthi uthando ngokwalo seluhambile. Ngokuvamile kuwukuphambene. Ibanga, isibhongo, amasonto okufulathelana, lokhu kudonsa isifiso kudlule isikhathi eside ngaphambi kokuba kube khona okungalungile phakathi kwenu ngomqondo ojulile. Ucwaningo lobusha nalo lukufakazela lokhu. Izithandani eziqhubeka zikhula zihlola ndawonye zivame ukubika isifiso esengeziwe, hhayi esincane, ngisho neminyaka yamile.
Ngakho uma leyo ngxenye yezinto ithulile, ngokuvamile akumayelana nenhlansi engekho kodwa kumayelana nokusondelana okudinga ukwakhiwa kabusha kuqala. Yibani nobumnene komunye komunye lapho. Ukufuna ukwazi kuvame ukwenza okwedlula ingcindezi.
Uma kukhulu kunesikhathi esifiphele
Isikhathi esomile sijwayelekile. Ubudlelwano obude obuningi budlula kwezimbalwa. Ukuzama izinto ezintsha, ukuphendukelana, ukunakekela leyo bhalansi yemihlanu-kokukodwa, lokhu kuzothwala izithandani eziningi kakhulu kuzibuyisele endaweni eqinile.
Kodwa ezinye izinto zidinga okwedlula usizo lokuzisiza. Uma izingxoxo ziqhubeka zithambekela ekudeleleni, ekuvaleni umlomo, noma ukulwa okufanayo okuphindelelayo, noma uma omunye wenu ehoxile wayeka ukuzama, umeluleki wezithandani angasiza ngezindlela uhlu lwemibono yokuphuma ndawonye olungeke lusize ngayo. Kuyafana uma kube khona ukukhaphela, uma nihlangene ikakhulukazi ngenxa yokwesaba noma isibopho, noma uma omunye wenu ethwele ukucindezeleka, ukukhathazeka, noma ubuhlungu obudala obulokhu buchichima ebudlelwaneni. Ukufuna usizo kusenesikhathi akulona uphawu lokuthi ubudlelwano buyehluleka. Kungenye yezinto ezithandekayo abantu ababili abangazenza, futhi izithandani zivame ukulinda isikhathi eside kakhulu kunalokho okufanele.
Futhi uma uke wazizwa ungaphephile kothandana naye, leso yisimo esihluke ngokuphelele, futhi ukuphepha kwakho kuza kuqala. Khuluma nomuntu omethembayo noma uchwepheshe ongakusiza ukukucabangisisa.
Inhlansi ebudlelwaneni obude bekungakaze ibe yisamba esimile owasinikwa ekuqaleni wasichitha kancane. Iyinto enobabili eniyenzayo, ezipiliyoni ezintsha nasemiseni emincane yansuku zonke, kaninginingi. Lokho akuwona umthwalo. Kusho ukuthi akukaze kube sekwephuze kakhulu ukuqala.
Imithombo
- The Gottman Institute, The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science
- The Gottman Institute, Turn Toward Instead of Away
- Greater Good in Action, UC Berkeley, Exciting Activities for Couples
- National Library of Medicine (PMC), Shared Novel Activities, Self-Expansion, and Relationship Quality