Ukukhulisa Izingane Njengeqembu: Ukuhlala Nixhumene Ngemuva Kwezingane

Ndawana thile onyakeni wokuqala nengane entsha, imibhangqwana eminingi inenguqulo yokuqonda okufanayo. Nimile ekhishini ngo-9 ntambama, omunye wenu uphethe ibhodlela omunye egoqa izingubo ezincane, futhi niyaqonda ukuthi anikaze nibe nengxoxo yangempela ezinsukwini. Hhayi ingxabano. Ngisho nokungezwani cha. Abantu ababili nje abasebenza umjaho ofanayo okhathazayo, bedlulisa induku, cishe bengabhekani ngamehlo.

Leso sikhala esithule sivamile kakhulu, futhi asisho ukuthi kukhona okuphambene ngawe, umlingani wakho, noma nina nobabili ndawonye. Kusho ukuthi nisanda kudlula kolunye lwezinguquko ezinkulu kunazo zonke ubudlelwano obungazibamba, kakhulu ngenkathi niphelelwe ubuthongo.

Nasi ingxenye okungekho okutshela yona emcimbini wengane. Ochungechungeni lwezifundo ezaziwayo ze-Gottman Institute, cishe izingxenye ezimbili kwezintathu zemibhangqwana zabika ukwehla kweneliseko lobudlelwano eminyakeni emithathu yokuqala ngemuva kokufika kwengane. Ukuhlaziywa okukhulu kwango-2022 okwahlanganisa amashumi ezifundo kwathola isimo esifanayo: ukwehla kwangempela, okulinganisekayo kweneliseko onyakeni wokuqala ngemuva kokubeletha okuhlala kuze kube ngowesibili. Ngakho uma ubudlelwano bakho buzwakala bunzima kunakuqala, usemaqenjini amaningi ncamashi. Awehluleki kulokhu.

Kodwa kukhona uhlangothi oluphambene olufanele ukuhlala kulo. Cishe ingxenye eyodwa kwezintathu yemibhangqwana ayizange ishelele. Eminye yaphuma iseduze kakhulu. Abacwaningi babuke kanzima ukuthi leyo mibhangqwana yenzani ngokwehlukile, futhi impendulo iyakhuthaza, ngoba cishe ayikho kuyo eyinhlanhla.

Kungani izingane zicindezela ngisho ubudlelwano obuhle

Kuyasiza ukubona ukuthi kwenzekani ngempela, ngoba ingcindezi ivame ukungaveli ekuntulekeni kothando.

Ingane ifika bese inani lonke lomsebenzi ekhaya lakho liyaqhuma. Ukondla, ukushintsha, ukududuza, ukuwasha, izikhathi zokubona udokotela, uhlu lwengqondo olungapheli lwalokho ingane eyikudingayo okulandelayo. Kukhona kuwe okulinganiselwe nje, ngakho into yokuqala enqunywayo ngokuvamile yileyo engenamnqamulajuqu: omunye nomunye. Ubusuku bokuchitha isikhathi ndawonye buba yinkumbulo. Izingxoxo ezinde ziyancipha zibe izinhlelo nje. Ucansi nokusondelana komzimba nakho kuvame ukuncipha isikhashana.

Bese kukhona umthwalo ongawuboni. Othile ekhaya ulandelela ukuthi amanabukeni ancipha nini, ukuhlolwa okulandelayo kungasenini, ithuba lika bani lokondla ebusuku, ukuthi ingane isihambe isikhathi eside ngaphandle kokozela yini. Lowo msebenzi ongabonakali wokubona kusengaphambili nokuphatha usunegama manje, umthwalo wengqondo, futhi ucwaningo njalo luthola ukuthi uwela kanzima kakhulu kumlingani oyedwa, kakhulu umama. Ucwaningo lwabazali abasha lwathola ukuthi ukungqubuzana kwavame ukuba phansi kakhulu hhayi lapho imisebenzi yehlukaniswe ngokulingana phakathi nendawo, kodwa lapho umuntu othwele okuningi ezizwa ukwehlukaniswa kunobulungiswa ngempela. Ubulungiswa, kuvela, buyinto oyizwayo, hhayi nje ishadi esifrijini.

Beka ukukhathala phezu kwakho konke lokho. Abantu abakhathele bafushane komunye nomunye. Izinto ezincane zishaya kanzima. Inguqulo yakho eyayibekezela isebenza ngamahora amane obuthongo nenkomishi yekhofi ebandayo. Akukho kulokhu okusho ukuthi ubudlelwano bephukile. Kusho ukuthi bungaphansi komthwalo.

Kukhona esinye isiqephu esibamba imibhangqwana eminingi ingalindele. Nina nobabili ningase nilile izinguqulo zempilo yenu emidala ngezikhathi ezihlukene, futhi nikhonondela buthule ukuthi omunye ubukeka engakuzwa ngendlela efanayo. Omunye wenu ukhumbula ukuzenzela. Omunye ukhumbula ukubonwa njengokungaphezu komzali. Akekho kini ophambene, futhi ukukuqamba ngamazwi kuvame ukukuthambisa ngokushesha kunokulinda umlingani wakho ukuba afunde ingqondo yakho. Ukukhononda okwenza umonakalo wangempela cishe njalo uhlobo olungazange lushiwo.

Into imibhangqwana ehlalayo eyaqhubeka iyenza

Lapho uJohn noJulie Gottman bebheka ukuthi yini eyahlukanisa imibhangqwana eyahlala iseduze kwaleyo eyaqhelelana, impendulo yayincane kunalokho obungayilindela. Kwakungezona izenzo ezinkulu noma ukuxhumana okuphelele. Kwakuyimizuzwana eyinkulungwane emincane.

OGottman bayibiza ngokuthi izicelo zoxhumano (bids for connection). Isicelo yinoma yikuphi ukufinyelela okuncane emlingani wakho. Ukububula othemba ukuthi bazobuza ngakho. "Bheka lokhu." Isandla ehlombe. Ihlaya elingaphelele. Sisinye siyisimemo esincane: ngiqaphele, yiba nami umzuzwana. Ungaphendukela kuso, uphendukele kwenye indlela, noma umelane naso.

Elabhoratri labo, imibhangqwana eyayisahlangene eminyakeni kamuva yayiphendukele ezicelweni zomunye nomunye cishe ngamaphesenti angamashumi ayisishiyagalombili nesithupha esikhathini. Imibhangqwana eyahlukana kamuva yayiphendukele kuphela ngamaphesenti angamashumi amathathu nantathu esikhathini. Imizuzwana emincane efanayo. Ubudlelwano obehluke kakhulu.

Lezi yizindaba ezinhle ngempela kubazali, ngoba ukuphendukela esicelweni kuthatha imizuzwana, futhi awudingi umgcini wezingane noma ubusuku obukhululekile ukukwenza. Uma nobabili niphelile futhi ingane isigcine ilele, isicelo singase sibe umlingani wakho esho nje "kade kuqinile ngempela namuhla ebusuku." Ukuphendukela kuso kungaba okuncane njengokubeka ifoni yakho phansi bese uthi "yebo, kuqinile ngempela. Uphilile?" Lokho kuyidiphozithi. Zanele zalezo, oGottman bathola, ubudlelwano bakha uhlobo lwesigcino olubudlulisa ezikhathini ezinzima.

Izenzo ezincane ezingena ngempela empilweni yomzali

Akekho okunika loluhlu onesikhathi esengeziwe kunawe. Iphuzu akukona ukwengeza enqwabeni. Ukuchitha imvuthuluka yokunaka onayo kancane ngamabomu.

• Lapho umlingani wakho efinyelela kuwe ngephuzu elincane noma ukubuka, zama ukukubamba. Ngisho nokukhathele okuthi "ngitshele emzuzwaneni, ngifuna ukukuzwa" kubalulekile. Ukubamba kubaluleke kakhulu kunesikhathi.
• Sho ukubonga ngamazwi. "Ngiyabonga ukuthatha ishifthi yasekuseni." "Umuhle kakhulu naye." Uma ubudlelwano bungaphansi kwengcindezi, izinto ezifudumele ziyacatshangwa kodwa zingashiwo. Zisho.
• Khuluma ngomthwalo ngokwethembeka, ngaphambi kokuba ukukhononda kuqine. Hhayi "awukaze usize," okuqala ingxabano, kodwa "ngithwele okuningi kokuhlela engqondweni yami futhi kuyangikhathaza. Singakubuka ndawonye?" Hlosa ukwehlukaniswa nobabili enikuzwa kunobulungiswa, hhayi okulingana ngezibalo.
• Vikela isiko elilodwa elincane elingelenu kuphela. Imizuzu eyishumi yekhofi ngaphambi kokuvuka kwendlu. Ukuhamba nenqola yengane lapho nikhuluma nganoma yini ngaphandle kwengane. Akudingeki kube kude ukuze kubaluleke.
• Yehlisa ibha ngamabomu. Izitsha zingalinda. Ukuhlala esofeni ndawonye imizuzu eyishumi nanhlanu ethule akulona ubuvila. Kuwukugcina.
• Ukuthinta okungahlangene nomsebenzi. Ukwanga okuthatha imizuzwana embalwa ide kunokuvamile, isandla esibanjiwe ngesikhathi nishayela. Ukusondelana komzimba kuvame ukuhamba kuqala bese kubuya ngokushesha okuncane, futhi izenzo ezincane zisiza ukuxhuma isikhala.

Ngeke nizenze ngokuphelele, futhi anidingi. Imibhangqwana ehlala iseduze akuyona leyo engalokothi iphuthelwe isicelo. Yileyo efinyelelana ngokwanele, ibuyele emuva uma isixhophene noma isibande. "Bengingqondile kuwe ngaphambili, ngiyaxolisa, ngikhathele nje kakhulu" kulungisa okungaphezu kwalokho obungacabanga.

Yibani yiqembu elilwa nenkinga, hhayi nomunye nomunye

Ushintsho olulodwa lushintsha okungaphezu kwanoma yimuphi umkhuba owodwa: ukunquma, ngamazwi, ukuthi nina nobabili niseceleni elilodwa. Isitha akulona umlingani wakho. Ukukhathala, uhlu lwezinto ezenziwayo, ukukhala kwengane (colic), ubusuku obude obuphambili. Lapho into iphambuka ngo-3 ekuseni, kulula ukuqala ukugcina amaphuzu, ubani owenze okwengeziwe, ubani owalalayo, ithuba lika bani. Lokho kugcina amaphuzu kukuguqula buthule nibe yizimbangi.

Abasebenzisani benza okwehlukile. Bayabuzana. "Udingani namuhla ebusuku?" Bayashintshana ngaphandle kokubala. Bacabanga ukuthi omunye uyazama, ngisho noma kungafinyeleli. Uma niyiqembu ngempela, ubusuku obunzima yinto enisinda kuyo ndawonye esikhundleni sento omunye wenu ayenza komunye.

Lokhu futhi kungenye yezinto eziwusizo kakhulu ongazibonisa enganeni yakho, yize lokho kuyibhonasi, hhayi iphuzu. Izingane zimunca isimo somoya sasekhaya. Ubumbano oluzinzile, olunomusa luyingxenye yalokho okuzenza zizizwe ziphephile, kudala ngaphambi kokuba zikwazi ukuchaza ukuthi kungani.

Ukuqhelelana akupheli ngeminyaka yezingane

Kungaba lula ukufunda konke lokhu njengenkinga yenkungu yengane esanda kuzalwa, into esuka lapho wonke umuntu eselala ubusuku bonke. Isigaba sokuqala yiso esinamandla kakhulu. Kodwa ukudonseka okuhamba kancane kokuba abaphathi ndawonye bekhaya esikhundleni sokuba abalingani akupheli lapho amanabukeni ephela. Kumane kushintsha isimo.

Ngezingane ezisafunda ukuhamba nezisesikoleni, izinhlelo ziyanda. Ezemidlalo, ukulanda esikoleni, amaphathi wemikhosi yokuzalwa, izinsuku zokugula, ukuduma okuphansi okungapheli kokuthi ubani ohlanganisa ini. Ubungozi kulesi sigaba bunobuchule kunokukhathala. Yikusebenza kahle. Uba muhle kakhulu ekusebenziseni umndeni njengeyunithi kangangokuthi ukhohlwa ukuba umbhangqwana ngaphakathi kuwo. Ningachitha iminyaka niwabasebenzisani abahle bese ngokuhamba kwesikhathi niba ngabangaziwa.

Ukuhlaziya okukhulu okwalandelela ukwaneliseka kwathola ukuthi ukwehla akuzange kubuye kuzenzakalele ngemuva konyaka. Kwahlala. Lokho akusona isizathu sosizi. Kuyisizathu sokuphatha uxhumano njengento oqhubeka uyinakekela, ngendlela obungachelela ngayo isitshalo, esikhundleni sento oyilungisa kanye bese uyayikhohlwa. Imibhangqwana eyenza kahle isikhathi eside yileyo eqhubeka ifinyelela, iqhubeka isho into enomusa, iqhubeka ivikela isikhathi esincane, unyaka nonyaka. Imikhuba ayiphelelwa isikhathi. Kanjalo nenzuzo.

Uma kukhona okukodwa okufanele ukuphuma kukho konke lokhu, ukuthi ubudlelwano abumisiwe kuze kukhule izingane. Iminyaka lapho izandla zakho zigcwele yibo ubudlelwano. Ukusondelana onikwakha kubo, ngezicucu nangemizuzwana emincane, yiyo into umndeni wakho owakheke ngayo ngempela.

Lapho kungaphezu kobunzima obujwayelekile

Isigaba esinzima ngemuva kwengane silindelekile. Ezinye izinto, nokho, zifanele okungaphezu kokubekezela nengxoxo enhle.

Uma omunye wenu esebenza kanzima ngokungaphezu kokukhathala okuvamile, ukudabuka okuqhubekayo, ukuphelelwa ithemba, ukukhathazeka okungapheli, noma umuzwa wokungazizwa unguwe emasontweni nasezinyangeni ngemuva kokubeletha, lokho kufanele ukuthathwa ngokungathi kubalulekile bese kulethwa kudokotela. Ukucindezeleka nokukhathazeka ngemuva kokubeletha kuvamile futhi kuyelapheka, futhi kuthinta bobabili abazali ababelethayo nabangabelethi. Akuwona amaphutha esimilo futhi akuyona into yokubambisisa wedwa.

Futhi uma isikhala phakathi kwenu singasuki, uma ingxabano efanayo iqhubeka iphindeka, uma ukudelela noma ukuvimba ngodonga sekungenile, noma nimane ningatholi indlela yokubuyela komunye nomunye, udokotela wengqondo wemibhangqwana akulona uphawu lokuthi nehlulekile. Ngenye yezinto ezisebenza kakhudlwana ongazenza. Ukufinyelela usizo kusenesikhathi, ngenkathi kusekhona ukufudumala okungakhelwa phezu kwako, kuvame ukusebenza kangcono kunokulinda nize ningaphindi nikhulume.

Inkathi lapho izingane zakho zisezincane ingenye yezinzima kakhulu obudlelwaneni, futhi ingenye yezivamile kakhulu ukuyithola inzima. Ukusondelana okukukhumbulayo akuphelile. Kakhulu kulinde emizuzwaneni emincane, leyo osengayifinyelela namuhla ebusuku, nakhathele kangaka.

Imithombo

• The Gottman Institute, Romantic Relationships Take a Dive After Baby Arrives (According to Research)
• The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
• Frontiers in Psychology, Transition to Parenthood and Marital Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis
• PubMed Central, Division of Household and Childcare Labor and Relationship Conflict Among Low-Income New Parents