Amasiko Okuxhumana: Imikhuba Emincane Egcina Uthando Luzinzile

Cabanga ngoLwesibili olujwayelekile. Omunye wenu ufika ekhaya, abeke izikhiye phansi, futhi kube nokuqabulana emnyango okuhlala imizuzwana embalwa ngaphezu kwalokho okudingekayo. Ikhofi elenziwe ngendlela omunye ayithandayo, ngaphandle kokucelwa. Umlayezo phakathi nentambama othi nje, "ngicabanga ngawe." Izibani zicima, bese omunye wenu ufinyelela esandleni somunye ebumnyameni.

Akukho kulokho okuyoke kwenze indaba oyixoxa emcimbini wesidlo sakusihlwa. Kepha yileyo mizuzu enquma ukuthi uthando luyahlala yini.

Sivame ukucabanga ukuthi ubudlelwano obuqinile bubanjwa ndawonye izinto ezinkulu. Uhambo lokugubha usuku lwesikhumbuzo. Isimemezelo esikhulu. Inkinga enidlule kuyo niseceleni komunye. Lezo zibalulekile. Kodwa umsebenzi wansuku zonke wokuhlala usondele kumuntu wenzeka ngamayunithi amancane kakhulu, futhi iningi lethu alifundi ukuwubona. Yilokho okumayelana nakho lokhu: imikhuba ethule, ephindaphindekayo egcina isithandani sizizwa siyisithandani.

Iyini isiko ngempela

Isiko lokuxhumana yinoma yini encane eniyenza nobabili, ngamabomu futhi cishe ngokuthembeka, ethi *sisengabo thina.* Akudingeki libe nemizwa. Kuyivelakancane libukeke lihle ngaphandle.

Izibonelo ezimbalwa, ukuze kucace:

• Imizuzu eyisithupha yokuqala ngemva kokuphinda nihlangane ekupheleni kosuku, amafoni ephansi.
• Ubusuku obumisiwe bangoLwesihlanu bokudla othenge kuthengiswa, isofa elifanayo, uhlelo olungenangqondo olufanayo.
• Ukubuza, futhi ngempela ulinde impendulo, "ulale kanjani?"
• Ukuhamba ngemva kwesidlo sakusihlwa, ngisho nokufushane.
• Indlela ovalelisa ngayo ekuseni. Okwangempela, hhayi u-"sala kahle" ophonswa phezu kwehlombe.

Isimo asibalulekile njengezinto ezimbili: ukuthi kwenzeka njalonjalo, nokuthi ngenkathi kwenzeka, ukhona ngempela ngakho. Isiko olenza uskrola akulona isiko. Kuwukusondela nje.

Isiko akuwona umsebenzi wasekhaya

Kubalulekile ukucacisa umehluko, ngoba izithandani ziwudida njalo. Niphatha ikhaya ndawonye. Kunezitsha, izinhlelo, isikhathi sokubona udokotela wamazinyo wengane, isikweletu othile owakukhohlwa. Lowo mshini wezinhlelo kufanele uqhubeke uphenduka, kodwa ukuwuphatha akufani nokuxhumana. Abantu ababili bangachitha intambama yonke besebenza ndawonye eduze, behlukanisa imisebenzi njengabasebenzi abasebenza kahle, bese bephetha ubusuku bezizwa bebodwa ngokuphelele.

Okuhlukanisa isiko nomsebenzi wasekhaya ukunaka. Isidlo sakusihlwa osiphekayo singaba umsebenzi noma isiko kuye ngokuthi nobabili nigqolozele phansi nidlula kuso noma nishintshiselana izindaba ezincane zosuku lwenu ngenkathi nihlahla. Umsebenzi ofanayo. Into ehluke ngokuphelele. Isithako esenza umkhuba ube isiko ukuthi, kuleyo mizuzu embalwa, omunye umuntu unobuso bakho hhayi nje usizo lwakho.

Yingakho futhi amasiko evame ukuba mancane. Noma yini okudingeka uhlelele umgcini wengane nokubhukha kuyona iyivelakancane kakhulu ukuze yenze umsebenzi wansuku zonke. Ubudlelwano buphila ngokuvamile kunobukhulu. Into yemizuzu emibili oyenza cishe nsuku zonke izobamba isithandani ndawonye kangcono kunobusuku obubukhazikhazi bokuphuma oniphumelela kabili ngonyaka. Ukuthembeka kuwuhlobo lwakho lwencwadi yothando.

Isayensi yezinto ezincane

Nalapha lapho kuba mnandi khona, ngoba kukhona ucwaningo lwangempela ngemuva komuzwa.

Amashumi eminyaka, isazi sengqondo uJohn Gottman wabuka izithandani egumbini elincane lokuhlala e-University of Washington, eqopha indlela ezazikhuluma ngayo, ziphikisana, zedlulisela ibhotela. Kuwo wonke lowo mfanekiso kwavela umbono okhohlisa ngokulula: usuku lonke, amaqabane enza lokho akubiza ngokuthi *izicelo* zokuxhumana. Isicelo yinoma yimuphi umzamo omncane wokuthola ukunakwa noma uthando lomunye umuntu. "Bheka leyo nyoni." "Yeka, umhlane wami." Ukububula. Ihlaya. Ngaphansi kwaso ngasinye kukhona umbuzo othule ofanayo: ukhona nami yini?

Ungenza okukodwa kwezinto ezintathu ngesicelo. Ungasiphendukela (ubheke phezulu, uphendule, uzibandakanye). Ungasifulathela (usiphuthelwe, uhlale efonini yakho). Noma ungasimelana (uthethise, usishaye indiva). Okutholakele okunamathele nabantu: phakathi kwabasanda kushada, izithandani ezisenandawonye eminyakeni eyisithupha kamuva zaziphendukele ezicelweni zomunye nomunye cishe amaphesenti angama-86 esikhathini elabhorethri. Izithandani ezazihlukanisile? Cishe amaphesenti angama-33.

Lelo gebe likhulu kakhulu, futhi alenziwa ngezingxabano ezimangazayo. Lenziwe ngemizuzu eyizinkulungwane eziyishumi emincane lapho umuntu oyedwa efinyelela omunye enokuphindisela noma engaqapheli. Amasiko okuxhumana ayindlela nje yokwenza amathuba abe maningi ngakuwe. Akha amathuba avamile, abikezelekayo okuphendukelana, ukuze kungancikile konke ekubambeni sonke isicelo ngesikhathi sangempela.

Ilabhorethri likaGottman lakhipha inombolo yesibili efanele ukuyiphatha. Ebudlelwaneni obuqinile kunabo bonke, isilinganiso semizuzu emihle kwemibi sisebenza cishe kwesihlanu kokukodwa ngisho nangesikhathi sengxabano, futhi siphakeme kakhulu kunalokho ngesikhathi esivamile, esinokuthula ndawonye. Iphuzu akukhona ukuthi izithandani ezinhle azilokothi ziphikisane. Ukuthi zakhe umthamo ozinzile kangaka wokufudumala kangangokuthi umzuzu onzima uwela phezu komcamelo omkhulu esikhundleni sephansi elingenalutho. Amasiko amancane yindlela lowo mcamelo owenziwa ngayo. Kancane ngesikhathi, izinsuku eziningi.

Kungani umzimba wakho neminyaka yakho kukhathalela lokhu futhi

Bekungaba lula ukubeka konke lokhu ngaphansi kwe-"kuhle ukuba nakho." Kuqinile kunalokho.

I-Harvard Study of Adult Development ilandele iqembu elifanayo labantu iminyaka engaphezu kwengamashumi ayisishiyagalombili, ilandelela impilo yabo nenjabulo yabo kuyo yonke impilo. Lapho abacwaningi bebheka emuva ukubona ukuthi yini phakathi nempilo eyayibikezela kangcono ukuthi ubani owayeyokhula abe nempilo, aneliseke eminyakeni engamashumi ayisishiyagalombili, bekungeyona i-cholesterol noma imali engenayo. Bekuyindlela abantu ababaneliseka ngayo ebudlelwaneni babo obusondelene eneminyaka engamashumi amahlanu. Labo abazizwa bexhumeke ngokuvikelekile komunye umuntu benza kangcono, amashumi eminyaka kamuva, ngomzimba nangengqondo.

Ukuxhumana akukuhle kuphela enhliziyweni ngendlela yezinkondlo. I-Mayo Clinic iphawula ukuthi abantu abanobudlelwano obuqinile, obusondelene bavame ukuba namazinga aphansi okucindezeleka kwengqondo nomfutho wegazi ophezulu, futhi bavame ukuphila isikhathi eside. Sakhelwe kona. Ukuzizwa usondele ngokuthembekile kumuntu kungenye yezinto ezitshela isimiso somuzwa ukuthi kuphephile ukuphumula.

Ngakho ukuqabulana kokuvalelisa nokuhamba ngemva kwesidlo sakusihlwa akuzona izinto ezengeziwe zemizwa. Ziyizinto ezincane, ezingcwatshwa kaninginingi entweni ethi, empilweni yonke, ivele ibaluleke njengacishe konke ongakukala.

Amasiko ambalwa afanele ukugcinwa

Awudingi uhlelo. Udinga izinto ezimbalwa ezincane ozozenza ngempela. Khetha eyodwa noma ezimbili lapha, noma usungule ezakho. Isiko elihle kunazo zonke yileli elihambisana nempilo yakho yangempela, hhayi leli elibukeka lihle.

Ukubingelela nokuvalelisa kwangempela

Iqembu likaGottman lasikisela okuthile okucishe kuhlazise ngokulula: ngaphambi kokuba nihlukane ekuseni ngakunye, funda into eyodwa eyenzeka osukwini lweqabane lakho. Uma niphinda nihlangana, yibani nengxoxo enganobungozi ngaphambi kokuba izinhlelo zesidlo sakusihlwa nezikweletu zithathe. Ukuqabulana kwemizuzwana eyisithupha. Ingxoxo yemizuzu eyisithupha. Izinombolo ezincane, izinzuzo ezinkulu.

Into eyodwa eyabelwana eyenu nje

Uhlelo enilubuka nobabili kuphela. Isidlo sasekuseni sangeSonto enisenza ndawonye. Isiko lesikhathi sokulala, ngisho noma kungukuthi "izinto ezintathu ezinhle zanamuhla" ngaphambi kokuba izibani zicime. Akunandaba ukuthi kuyini. Kubalulekile ukuthi kuyisikhathi esiphindaphindekayo sokuba isithandani, hhayi nje abantu ababili abaphatha ikhaya.

Qaphela izicelo ovame ukuziphuthelwa

Usuku olulodwa, vele unake ukuthi kukangaki iqabane lakho lenza umzamo omncane wokufinyelela. Amazwana ngomsebenzi okanye naye. Uthi "woza ubheke lokhu." Akudingeki uyeke yonke into njalo. Kodwa ukuphendukela kweziningi zazo, kaningi, kungomunye wemikhuba enomvuzo omkhulu kunoma yibuphi ubudlelwano. Bamba esilandelayo ngamabomu.

Lungisa ngokushesha uma uthethisa

Akekho ophendukela kuso sonke isicelo. Uzoba nokufushane, uphazamiseke, ukhathele, ube ngumuntu. Okuvikela ubudlelwano akukhona ukungalokothi uphuthelwe. Kuwukubuya. "Uxolo, bengisemcabangweni wami. Ngitshele futhi." Ukulungisa okuncane, okunikezwa masinyane, kugcina umzuzu ophuthelwe ungaqini ube umkhuba.

Ukugcina amasiko ephila uma impilo iba nzima

Nasi isimanga esilukhuni. Izikhathi lapho ukudinga kakhulu lezi zixhumano ezincane ziyizona ncamashi izikhathi ezivame ukunyamalala. Ingane entsha. Umzali ogulayo. Isikhathi esinzima emsebenzini. Usizi. Uma welulwe waba mncane, into yokuqala ehambayo ngokuvamile yiyona kanye into ekubamba ndawonye, ngoba kuzwakala kungakhethwa eceleni kwakho konke okumemeza ukunakwa.

Akukhethwa. Kuyinto ekuvumela ukusinda esikhathini esinzima njengeqembu esikhundleni sabantu ababili abadlula kuso ngokwehlukene. Izindlela ezimbalwa zokukuvikela uma kungasekho lutho olusele ethankini:

• Nciphisa isiko ngaphambi kokuliyeka. Uma ukuhamba ngemva kwesidlo sakusihlwa kungenzeki kule nyanga, umbuzo wokulala usathatha imizuzwana engamashumi amathathu. Inguqulo encane igcina intambo ingaqhamuki. Eyekiwe kufanele yakhiwe kabusha kwasekuqaleni.
• Yehlisa umgqa, hhayi ukuvama. Ukuxhumana ngesikhathi esinzima kungaba ukucindezela okukhathele kwesandla nokuthi "lokhu kuningi, akunjalo." Lokho kuyabalwa. Kubalwa kakhulu. Ungalindeli umoya omuhle ukuze nifinyelelane.
• Qamba okwenzekayo ngokuzwakalayo. "Cishe asikaze sikhulume emavikini amabili futhi ngiyakukhumbula" ngokwako kuyisicelo, futhi esiphanayo. Ukukusho kugcina ibanga lingaqondwa ngokuphambene njengokunganaki.
• Vikela isiqhingi esisodwa esincane. Ngisho nasezinyangeni ezimbi kakhulu, vikela umzuzu owodwa ophindaphindekayo oniyinina nobabili. Imizuzu eyishumi. Imizuzu eyishumi efanayo. Iba yinto nobabili enibambelela kuyo buthule.

Izithandani ezidlula ezikhathini ezinde, ezinzima zisasondelene ziyivelakancane ukuba yilezo ezakwenza ngobunono. Yilezo eziqhubeka zifinyelelana ngezindlela ezincane, ezingakwazi, ezikhathele, ngisho noma kungekho namunye kubo obenokuningi angakunikeza.

Uma amasiko esethule

Kwesinye isikhathi ufunda konke lokhu bese uzwa ubuhlungu obuncane, ngoba ukufudumala okuchazayo kwahamba esikhathini esidlule. Ukubingelela kwaba okwokwenza nje. Ukufinyelelana kwama. Nabelana ngekhalenda nangekhishi kodwa hhayi okunye okuningi.

Lokho kufanele ukuthathwe ngokuzimisela, futhi kuvame kakhulu kunalokho ocabangayo, ikakhulukazi ngezikhathi zengcindezi, izingane ezintsha, ukugula, noma usizi. Ngokuvamile, ukuqala kancane kwanele ukuqala ukuncibilika. Khetha isiko elilodwa elincane bese ulenza amaviki ambalwa, ngaphandle kwenkulumo enamathele. Ukuxhumana kuvame ukwakheka kabusha ngendlela okwaguguleka ngayo: kancane kancane, emizuzwini emincane.

Kodwa elinye ibanga liya kujule kakhulu, futhi imikhuba emincane ngeke iyilungise yodwa. Uma kukhona ukwedelela osekuvamile, uma izingxoxo zihlala ziphela ngendlela efanayo ebuhlungu, uma oyedwa noma nobabili nihoxile buthule, umelaphi wezithandani omuhle angasiza ngezindlela uhlu lwezokwenza olungeke lukwazi. Ukufinyelela kulolo hlobo losizo akulona uphawu lokuthi ubudlelwano behlulekile. Kungenye yezinto ezithanda kakhulu abantu ababili abangazenza. Futhi uma ubudlelwano buyekile ukuzwakala buphephile, uma kukhona ukwesaba, ukulawula, noma noma yiluphi uhlobo lokuhlukumeza, leyo yingxoxo ehluke ngokuphelele, futhi ukuphepha kwakho kuza kuqala, ngaphambi kwanoma yiliphi isiko.

Kepha kuzithandani eziningi ezinsukwini eziningi, umsebenzi mnene kunalokho. Kuwukuqabulana emnyango. Ifoni ibhekise phansi imizuzu eyisithupha. Isandla esifinyelela emnyameni. Uthando ngokuvamile aluhambi ngokuphuma okukodwa okumangazayo. Luhamba ngomzuzu owodwa ophuthelwe ngesikhathi, okusho ukuthi lungagcinwa ngendlela efanayo. Umzuzu owodwa omncane ngesikhathi, ngoLwesibili olujwayelekile, olukhethwe futhi.

Imithombo

• The Gottman Institute, Isingeniso Ezicelweni Zemizwa Nokwethembana
• The Gottman Institute, Isilinganiso Somlingo: Ukhiye Wokwaneliseka Ebudlelwaneni
• Harvard Gazette, Izakhi zofuzo ezinhle zinhle, kodwa injabulo ingcono (i-Harvard Study of Adult Development)
• Mayo Clinic, Ubungani: Cebisa impilo yakho futhi wenze ngcono impilo yakho