Amathiphu asheshayo
- Bheka phezulu lapho besho okuthile.
- Sho umcabango wokubonga ngokuzwakalayo.
- Ngemva kokulwa, buyisanani ningakayiphindi impikiswano.
Cishe uke wakuzwa ukudonseka kwakho. Ndawana thile ngaphandle kukhona umuntu ofanele, lowo ohambisana nawe ngaphandle kokungqubuzana, lowo obengenza konke lokhu kube lula. Ngakho-ke lapho uthando luba nzima, lapho wena nomuntu omkhathalela ngempela niqhubeka nibhajwa yimpikiswano efanayo, izwana elincane liqala ukubuza umbuzo ongafanele. Hhayi elithi "singakulungisa kanjani lokhu," kodwa elithi "mhlawumbe lo akuyena lowo."
Lelo zwi linegama emkhakheni wocwaningo. Ososayikholoji balibiza ngokuthi inkolelo yesabelo: umbono othulile wokuthi abantu ababili kumele babe ndawonye noma cha, nokuthi ukuhambisana okufanele kufanele kusebenze nje kalula. Kuzwakala kungenangozi. Kungomunye wemibono edume kakhulu ngothando esinayo. Futhi kubantu abaningi, kwenza uthando lube nzima, hhayi lube lula.
Lokhu akuyona impikiswano emelene nothando. Kuyimpikiswano ekhuthaza uhlobo oluhlukile, oluqinile lwalo.
Izindlela ezimbili zokukholelwa othandweni
Usosayikholoji uC. Raymond Knee nozakwabo bachitha iminyaka becwaninga izindaba abantu abazithwalayo mayelana nobudlelwano, futhi bathola ukuthi lezi zindaba zivame ukuwela emaqenjini amabili.
Elinye yinkolelo yesabelo. Abantu abaphakeme kulo mbono babheka ukuhambisana njengento oyitholayo, njengeqiniso elingaguquki ngabathandanayo. Uyahambisana noma awuhambisani. Ukungqubuzana kwasekuqaleni kufundeka njengophawu lwesexwayiso, ubufakazi bokuthi mhlawumbe wakhetha kabi.
Elinye yinkolelo yokukhula. Abantu abaphakeme kulo mbono babona ubudlelwano njengento eyakhiwa ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Izinkinga aziyona isinqumo sokuthi ningabodwa yini. Zingumsebenzi ovamile wabantu ababili abahlukene abafundana.
Iningi lethu linencazana yakho kokubili. Kodwa yiliphi ozeyeme kulo, ikakhulukazi lapho izinto ziba nzima, lakha lokho okwenzayo ngokulandelayo. Ucwaningo lukaKnee lwathola ukuthi abantu abanezinkolelo zokukhula eziqinile bavame ukubhekana kangcono nokungqubuzana, bahlale bezibophezele lapho iqabane lehluleka ukufinyelela okuthile okuhle, futhi babhekane kangcono nokudumala okungeke kuvinjelwe. Abakholelwa esabelweni, ngakolunye uhlangothi, basheshe ukufunda isikhathi esinzima njengophawu lokungahambisani okuyisisekelo, futhi basheshe ukubheka emnyango.
Nakhu ugibe olusendabeni yomngane womphefumulo. Ibeka isivivinyo uthando lweqiniso olungeke lwaze lwaluphase. Uthando lweqiniso lubandakanya umuntu ohlafuna ngomsindo, ophikisana nawe ngokuthi ithemostati imiswe kanjani, futhi ngezinye izikhathi olimaza imizwa yakho engahlosile. Uma incazelo yakho eyimfihlo "yalowo ofanele" ingumuntu ongaze abangele ukungqubuzana, uzogcina uphetha ngokuthi wonke umuntu akayena ofanele.
Lokho izifundo ezinde ezakuthola ngempela
Uma ukuhambisana kungeyona imfihlo, yini pho?
Ngalokho, kusiza ukubheka abathandanayo abakwaziyo ukuqhubeka. Umcwaningi uJohn Gottman nozakwabo bachitha amashumi eminyaka bebuka abathandanayo bangempela besebenzelana elabhorethri, base bebalandela iminyaka ukuze babone ukuthi obani abahlala ndawonye nabani abahlukanayo. Kulokho okuqoshiwe babengabikezela, ngokunemba okumangalisayo, ukuthi yimiphi imishado ezohlala.
Okwehlukanisa abathandanayo abaphumelelayo kulabo abahlukana kwakungesikho ukuthi babebonakala behambisana kangakanani, noma babelwa kangaki kancane. Abathandanayo abaphumelelayo nabo babelwa. Umehluko wawuwumlinganiso womfudumalo uma uqhathaniswa nokungqubuzana. Ebudlelwaneni obuzinzile, obujabulayo, izikhathi ezinhle zaziningi kunezimbi cishe ngesilinganiso esihlanu kokukodwa, ngisho naphakathi kokungezwani. Umzamo wokulungisa. Ubuhlekisa obuncane. Isandla engalweni. Amazwana athi "mhlawumbe uqinisile."
UGottman uchaze izinhlobo ezimbili zamaqabane. Amanye ahlola ubudlelwano bawo efuna izinto azozibonga, futhi akusho ngokuzwakalayo. Amanye ahlola amaphutha, agcina uhlu lwalokho iqabane lawo elikwenza kabi. Iqembu lokuqala lakha isikhwama sentando enhle esiwaphethe ezikhathini ezinzima. Elesibili siyakuqeda kancane kancane.
Qaphela okuthule okushintshayo ngalokhu. Akukho nokukodwa kwakho okuncike ekutholeni umuntu ofanele ngokuphelele. Kuwuchungechunge lwemikhuba. Imikhuba ongayifunda, nomuntu osuvele umthanda.
Izinto ezincane yizona izinto ezinkulu
Kukhona inkolelo eyenga ethi uthando lugcinwa luphila ngezenzo ezinkulu: uhambo olumangazayo, ukuxolisa okumangalisayo, umgubho wesikhumbuzo owenza abanye babe nomona. Ubufakazi bukhomba kwenye indawo ethobekile.
Embhalweni we-Greater Good Science Center e-UC Berkeley, abacwaningi bobudlelwano uSuzann Pileggi Pawelski noJames Pawelski bachaza ukuthi abathandanayo abahlalayo bayazinakekela kanjani ngenkuthalo izikhathi ezijwayelekile esikhundleni sokulinda imizwa emikhulu ukuba ifike ngokwayo. Okunye abakugcizelelayo kucacile ngokwanele ukuba kubekwe efrijini: abathandanayo lapho bobabili bevamise ukuqaphela nokuveza ukwazisa ngalokho omunye akwenzayo banethuba elikhulu kakhulu lokuhlala ndawonye.
Yileyo ngxenye inganekwane yomngane womphefumulo eyibhekisa ngasemuva. Ikutshela ukuthi umsebenzi ukuthola umuntu ofanele, nokuthi uma usukwenzile, uthando luzozinakekela lona. Izifundo ziphakamisa ukuthi uthando lungumsebenzi. Hhayi umsebenzi obuhlungu, ongenanjabulo. Ikakhulukazi uhlobo oluncane lwansuku zonke.
Izinto ezimbalwa ezenza umehluko ngempela:
- Phendukela kubo, ungabhekisi ngakolunye uhlangothi. Lapho iqabane lakho likhuluma ngenyoni exakayo engaphandle noma libubula ngenxa yebhokisi lemeyili yalo, lokho kuyisicelo esincane sokunaka kwakho. Ukubheka phezulu uphendule, ngisho nokwesikhashana, kungenye yezindlela ezethembeke kakhulu ongazibeka.
- Sho into yokwazisa ngokuzwakalayo. Umcabango othi "nginenhlanhla ngokuba naye" awenzi lutho uma uhlala ekhanda lakho. Ukubonga kubalwa kuphela lapho kufika komunye umuntu.
- Phatha ukulungisa njengekhono, hhayi njengesinqumo sokugcina. Ngemva kokulwa, umbuzo obalulekile akuyona ukuthi ubani obeqinisile. Kungukuthi ningabuya nibumbane ngomusa yini. Abathandanayo abalungisa kahle akubona abangalwi. Bayakwazi ukubuyisana kahle.
- Cabanga inhloso enhle lapho ungakwazi. Umsebenzi ofanayo okhohliwe ungafundeka njengokuthi "abanandaba" noma "babenosuku olunzima." Amaqabane anengqondo yokukhula avame ukukhetha incazelo enomusa ngokwengeziwe, futhi ivame ukuba iyona eyiqiniso.
Lapho lokhu kukushiya khona
Uma ungashadile, izindaba ezikhululayo ukuthi awufuni umuntu ongenasici ozokwenza uthando lube ngaphandle komzamo. Ufuna umuntu onomusa, ozimisele, futhi obheke cishe ndawonye nawe, umuntu ongathanda ukwakha naye. Ukuhambisana kukhona ngempela, kodwa kufana nesandla sokuqala emdlalweni kunesiqinisekiso. Umdlalo ukusendleleni nobabili enidlala ngayo.
Uma usunomuntu futhi lelo zwana elincane lokungabaza belilokhu lihlebeza, kubalulekile ukwazi ukuthi ukungabaza ngokwakho akulona uphawu lokuthi wakhetha kabi. Kuyisici esivamile sokuthanda umuntu wangempela ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Isinyathelo esinempilo kakhulu ngokuvamile ukuphendukela ebudlelwaneni ubunakekele, hhayi ukuqhubeka uhlola ukuthi umuntu uyafinyelela yini kolowo ophelele ocatshangwayo.
Futhi ngezinye izikhathi impendulo eqotho inzima kakhulu. Ukunakekela ubudlelwano akufani nokubekezelela obukulimazayo. Uma uzizwa wesaba iqabane lakho, ulawulwa, wehliswa isithunzi, noma ungaphephile, leyo akuyona inkinga yokukhula ozoyixazulula wedwa, futhi ayikho izinhlu zokwazisa ezingayilungisa. Leso yisikhathi sokufuna usizo lwangempela, kumuntu othembekile, kudokotela wezengqondo onelayisensi wabashadene noma womuntu ngamunye, noma emgqeni wosizo oyimfihlo. Ukuzifunela okungaphezu kwalokho ubudlelwano obukunika khona njengamanje akulona ukwehluleka kothando. Kungaba yinto ethandekayo kunazo zonke oyenzayo.
Inganekwane ithembisa umuntu oyedwa ophelele. Iqiniso elikhona lingcono, futhi liyatholakala kubantu abaningi kakhulu: uthando oluhlalayo yinto abantu ababili abavamile, abanezici, abayenzayo ngamabomu, kancane ngesikhathi, ngokuhlala benomusa nakuba bekungaba lula ukungabi nomusa.
Imithombo
- The Gottman Institute, The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science
- Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships, Implicit Theories of Relationships: Destiny and Growth Beliefs
- Greater Good Science Center (UC Berkeley), How Science Can Help Your Love to Last