Ukuguguleka Okuthule: Ukubamba Ukungaxhumani Ngaphambi Kokuba Sekwephuze Kakhulu

Akekho ohlela umzuzu abayeka ngawo ukufinyelelana. Kuyivelakancane ukuthi kube nokulwa okukuchazayo. Nisenesizotha. Nisahlukanisa imisebenzi yasekhaya nikhumbule ukubona udokotela wamazinyo futhi nilale embhedeni owodwa. Ngaphandle, ngisho nangaphakathi kakhulu, ubudlelwano bulungile.

Bese ngobunye ubusuku uyabona ukuthi awukhumbuli ingxoxo yangempela yokugcina eniyibanga. Hhayi izinhlelo. Hhayi ukuthi ubani olanda izingane noma yini ezokudliwa. Ingxoxo yangempela, uhlobo lapho omunye wenu esho into eyiqiniso bese omunye asondela.

Lelo gebe yilokho esikushoyo ngokuguguleka okuthule. Kuhamba kancane, kuvamile, futhi kungaguqulwa uma ukubamba ngesikhathi. Ingxenye enzima ukuthi cishe akulokothi kuzimemezele.

Kungani ukuqhelelana okuhamba kancane kuyingozi

Sivame ukucabanga ukuthi ubudlelwano bakhiwa noma buphulwa yizinto ezinkulu. Ukuphinga, ukumemeza komdlalo, ukukhaphela. Lezo ziyenzeka. Kodwa ucwaningo ngalokho okubikezela ngempela ukuthi abathandanayo bazohlala ndawonye yini lukhomba kwenye indawo engathusi neze.

Elabhorethri lakhe locwaningo eSeattle, usosayikholoji uJohn Gottman wachitha amashumi eminyaka ebuka abathandanayo besebenzelana wabe eselandela iminyaka ukuze abone ukuthi obani abaqhubekayo. Okwehlukanisa abathandanayo abahlala besondelene kulabo abahlukana kwakungesikho indlela ababelwa ngayo. Kwakuyindlela ababesabelana ngayo emizuzwaneni ejwayelekile, elibalekayo. Iqabane libheka phezulu lisuka esinkini bese lithi, "Bheka leyo nyoni." Elinye liyabheka. Noma cha.

UGottman ubiza lokhu kufinyelela okuncane ngokuthi "izicelo zokuxhumana," futhi ubiza impendulo ngokuthi "ukuphendukela" noma "ukufulathela." Izinombolo zicacile. Elabhorethri lakhe, abathandanayo abahlala ndawonye ngenjabulo baphendukela ezicelweni zomunye nomunye cishe amaphesenti angama-86 esikhathini. Abathandanayo abagcina behlukene babephendukelane amaphesenti angama-33 kuphela esikhathini. Imizuzwana emincane efanayo. Ikusasa elihluke ngokwedlulele.

Yileyo injini yokuguguleka okuthule. Akukho okukodwa okunganakwanga okuthi "bheka leyo nyoni" okubalulekile. Kodwa izinkulungwane zakho, zibuthelana iminyaka, zifundisa abantu ababili ukuthi ukufinyelela akubatholeli lutho. Ngakho bayeka ukufinyelela. Ukuthula okulandelayo kuzwakala njengokuzola. Kuseduze kakhulu nokulamba.

Ukuqhelelana kubukeka kanjani ngempela

Ukungaxhumani kunobuqili kanye ngoba akubukeki njengokungqubuzana. Ngokuvamile kubukeka njengokuthula. Nazi ezinye zezimpawu ezithule ezifanele ukunakwa, kuwe noma phakathi kwenu nobabili:

• Izingxoxo zenu sezincishile zaba yizinhlelo kuphela. Amashejuli, izikweletu, inja, abasemzini. Ungqimba lokuphatha lwempilo eyabelanwayo lusebenza kahle, futhi cishe akukho okunye okushiwoyo.
• Usuqalile ukutshela abanye abantu izinto obuvame ukuzitshela iqabane lakho kuqala. Umngane, ozakwenu, umfowenu noma udadewenu manje uzwa izindaba ezinhle nezimbi ngaphambi kwabo.
• Uzizwa unesizungu egumbini elilodwa. Nindawonye ngokwenyama, kodwa ngokomzwelo nikwenye indawo. Lesi sizungu esithize singaba buhlungu kakhulu kunokuba wedwa ngempela.
• Ukufuna ukwazi sekunyamalele. Ucabanga ukuthi usuvele wazi lokho abazokusho, ngakho uyeka ukubuza. Nabo benza okufanayo.
• Ukuthintana sekusebenza ngenjongo kuphela noma sekuyivelakancane. Isandla esidlulayo ehlombe, ukugona kwangempela, ukubingelelana okuncane komzimba, lokho kunciphela ngaphandle kokuba kube khona onqumayo.
• Ubala amaphuzu ngokuthulile. Inzondo iyabutheka ngasemuva, kodwa ayikakabi nomsindo owanele ukulwa ngayo.

Akukho kwalezi okuwubufakazi banoma yini ngokwako. Bonke ubudlelwano obude budlula ezikhathini zokuqhelelana, ikakhulukazi ngaphansi kwengcindezi, ingane entsha, isikhathi somsebenzi esinzima, ukugula, usizi. Umbuzo uwukuthi ukuqhelelana kuyisikhathi noma kuwukuqonda.

Intengo yokuzenzisa ukuthi kulungile

Kuyayenga ukukulinda kudlule. Izinto zizolile. Kungani ukuhlokoloza? Kodwa ukuqhelelana ngokomzwelo akungathi phakathi, futhi akuhlali emizweni yakho kuphela.

Ucwaningo lwesikhathi eside lwabathandanayo abadala abashadile lwathola ukuthi isizungu ngaphakathi komshado sihambisana nempilo yomzimba embi kakhulu kubathandanayo bobabili, kuhlanganise nezilinganiso ezixhumene noshukela wegazi nempilo yemithambo yegazi. Okubalulekile, ubudlelwano obuqinile, obusekelayo babunciphisa lowo mphumela. Ukusondelana kwakungesona ubunono obuhlezi phezu komshado. Babenza umsebenzi wangempela wokuvikela izimzimba ezimbili, hhayi nje izinhliziyo ezimbili.

Kukhona nentengo ethule kakhulu. Lapho abantu ababili beyeka ukuphendukelana, ubudlelwano bulahlekelwa yimali egciniwe. Umsebenzi kaGottman ukhomba uhlobo lweshidi yebhalansi yomzwelo: abathandanayo abazinzile, abajabulayo bagcina okufana nokusebenzelana okuhle okuhlanu kokukodwa okubi ngesikhathi sokungqubuzana. Lezo zimali ezincane zansuku zonke zomfudumalo nokunaka yizo ubudlelwano obuzisebenzisayo lapho ukulwa kwangempela ekugcineni kufika. Vumela i-akhawunti yome ngeminyaka yokuzola, bese isiphepho sokuqala esibucayi asinalutho esingasithatha.

Indlela yokuqala ukuphindukelana

Izindaba ezinhle ngaphakathi kwakho konke lokhu ukuthi ukulungisa kungaba kuncane kangakanani. Uma umonakalo wenziwa emizuzwaneni emincane, ukulungisa nakho kwenziwa emizuzwaneni emincane. Awudingi ingxoxo enkulu noma uhambo lwempelasonto ukuze uqale. Udinga ukuqala ukuqaphela izicelo futhi, ezabo nezakho.

Izindawo ezimbalwa zokuqala:

Bamba isicelo esilandelayo usiphendule. Usuku olulodwa, qaphela nje lapho iqabane lakho lifinyelela, amazwana, ukububula, umusho ongaqedwanga uhhafu, indaba ngosuku lwabo. Bese uyaphendula sengathi kubalulekile. Beka phansi ifoni. Bheka phezulu. Buza umbuzo olandelayo. Awuxazululi lutho. Uvele ubonakale ngenxa yomzuzwana omncane.

Buza umbuzo owodwa wangempela ngosuku. Hhayi othi "Bunjani umsebenzi?", omema "Kulungile." Zama "Yikuphi okuhle kakhulu osukwini lwakho?" noma "Yini obulokhu uyicabanga muva nje?" Iphuzu ukuba nentshisekelo yangempela ngomuntu osuzinqumele ukuthi usumazi. Awumazi, ngokugcwele. Akekho oke aphele.

Buyisa isiko elincane. Imizuzu eyisithupha emnyango lapho omunye wenu ehamba ebuya ekhaya. Ikhofi ndawonye ngaphambi kokuba indlu ivuke. Ukuhamba ngemva kwesidlo sakusihlwa ngaphandle kwezingcingo. Amasiko yindlela ukuxhumana okuyeka ngayo ukuncika ogqozini kuqale ukusebenza ngokuzenzakalela, ngendlela enhle.

Yisho ngokuzwakalayo ukuqhelelana, ngobumnene. Yilesi esinesibindi. Hhayi njengecala, kodwa njengesimemo. Okuthile okuthi, "Bengizizwa ngikude nawe muva nje, futhi ngiyakukhumbula. Singenza okuthile ngalokho?" Kushiwo ngaphandle kokusola, lowo musho ngokwawo uyisicelo. Indlela iqabane lakho eliphendula ngayo izokutshela okuningi.

Yehlisa umkhawulo wothando. Akudingeki uzwe ukugubha kothando ukuze ubeke isandla emhlane womuntu. Ngokuvamile umuzwa ulandela isenzo, hhayi ngenye indlela. Yenza ngomfudumalo bese umfudumalo uvame ukukufica.

Qaphela ukuthi akukho kwalokhu okukhulu. Yilelo lonke iphuzu. Abathandanayo abahlala besondelene akubona abanemibhoshobhosho njalo. Yilabo abaqhubeka bephendulana emizuzwaneni emincane, unyaka nonyaka, kudlule isikhathi eside amandla okuqala eqedile.

Lapho kudinga okungaphezu kwenu nobabili

Ngezinye izikhathi igebe libanzi kunalokho ukulungisa kwansuku zonke okungakufinyelela, futhi lokho kufanele siqotho ngakho. Uma uzamile ukuphindukelana kodwa ulokhu ushaya odongeni. Uma wonke umzamo wengxoxo yangempela ushelela uye ekulweni okufanayo noma ekuthuleni okufanayo. Uma kunokwedelela egumbini, ukuphendula amehlo nokuklolodela, noma ukuvimba, lapho omunye wenu evala ngokuphelele ahambe. Lawo ngamaphethini asindayo, futhi udokotela wezengqondo wabathandanayo oqeqeshelwe izindlela ezisekelwe ebufakazini angasiza ngendlela amandla entando angeke akwazi.

Ukufuna usizo kusenesikhathi akulona uphawu lokuthi ubudlelwano buyahluleka. Kungenye yezinto eziqine kakhulu abantu ababili abazibophezele abangazenza, futhi kusebenza kangcono kakhulu ngaphambi kokuba iminyaka yenzondo iqine.

Iphuzu elihlukile neliphuthuma kakhulu. Uma ubudlelwano bakho bubandakanya noma yikuphi ukulimala komzimba, izinsongo, ukwesabisa, noma ukwesaba, lokhu akumayelani nokuxhumana kabusha, futhi iseluleko lapha alisebenzi. Ukuphepha kwakho kuza kuqala, futhi bakhona abantu abaqeqeshiwe ukukusiza ukucabangisisa ngakho ngasese futhi ngaphandle kokwahlulela.

Ubudlelwano obuningi obuqhelelanayo abuzange bushayeke. Babungaqashiwe nje, abantu ababili ababematasa futhi abakhathele bayeka ukubheka phezulu. Ukufinyelela emuva cishe njalo kuncane kunalokho okwesabayo. Ngokuvamile kuqala ngomuntu oyedwa onquma ukuqaphela, bese ephendula.

Imithombo

• The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
• The Gottman Institute, The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science
• PubMed Central, Loneliness, Marital Quality, and Vascular Health Among Older U.S. Couples: A Longitudinal Dyadic Study