Amathiphu asheshayo
- Buza ukuthi isikhundlo sabo sivikela liphi iphupho.
- Zama ucwaningo oluncane ngaphambi kokunquma.
- Bhekana nesinqumo nisohlangothini olufanayo.
Kuvame ukuqala kancane. Isikhangiso somsebenzi esishiywe sivuliwe kuthebhu yesiphequluli. Idolobha elikhulunywa kaningi kancane. "Kuthiwani uma sizama nje?" kushiwo ngokungathí sina, ngendlela abantu abasho ngayo izinto abesaba ukuzisho ngokungathi sina.
Bese isisu somunye umuntu siyawa.
Lokhu kungenye yezikhathi ezinzima kunazo zonke izithandani ezingafika kuzo, futhi cishe akuhlangene nokuthi nithandana kangakanani. Omunye wenu ufinyelela entweni entsha. Omunye uziqinisela ukulahlekelwa yinto abecabanga ukuthi isizinzile. Kokubili yizindawo ezinengqondo zokuma kuzo. Yilokho kanye okwenza kube lula kangaka ukumbeka.
Iningi lalezi zinkinga aziyona ngempela izingxabano ngekhodi yendawo noma ngeholo. Ziyizingxabano ngezithombe ezimbili ezihlukene zempilo enhle, ezibanjwe abantu ababili abangazange bacabange ukuthi lezo zithombe zingakhomba ezindaweni eziphambene.
Kungani lena isika kabuhlungu kangaka
Kukhona ucwaningo olunosizo oluvela kososayensi bomshado uJohn noJulie Gottman olususa okunye ukubuhlungu emizuzwini enjengale. Emva kwamashumi eminyaka bebuka izithandani, bathola ukuthi cishe amaphesenti angama-69 ezingxabano kunoma yibuphi ubudlelwane yilokho abakubiza ngezinkinga ezingunaphakade. Hhayi izici. Hhayi izimpawu zokuthi wakhetha kabi. Ukungqubuzana nje okungokwemvelo phakathi kwabantu ababili abaphelele abakheke ngokwehlukene kancane futhi abafuna izinto ezihlukene kancane.
Ukuthi nihlale kuphi, nithathe ubungozi obungakanani, ukuthi nizingele into enkulu noma nivikele into ezinzile. Lezi zezinye zezinkinga ezingunaphakade ezinkulu kunazo zonke ezikhona. AboGottman bacacile ngakho: izithandani ezijabulayo nezingajabuli zinezinkinga ezifana ncamashi. Okuzehlukanisa akukona ukuthi ukungavumelani kukhona yini. Kuwukuthi ziyakwazi yini ukuqhubeka zikhuluma ngakho ngaphandle kokwedelela.
Yilokho okokuqala okufanele ukubambe. Awuphukanga ngoba ufinyelele emhosheni onje. Ufinyelele engxenyeni yobudlelwane bangempela lapho izimpilo ezimbili kufanele zibuyisane. Wonke umuntu ohlala ndawonye isikhathi eside ngokwanele uyafika lapha.
Kunephupho ngaphansi kwesikhundlo
Nawu umnyakazo oshintsha lezi zingxoxo, futhi uvela ngqo emsebenzini kaGottman nawo.
Uma ubhajwe, umuntu ngamunye wenu ngokuvamile uvikela isikhundlo. "Kufanele sihambe." "Asikwazi neze ukuhamba." Izikhundlo ziyangqubuzana. Aziqhagelani. Kodwa ngaphansi kwaso sonke isikhundlo esiqinile cishe njalo kukhona iphupho, igugu, ingxenye yomlando womuntu isikhundlo esizama ukusivikela.
AboGottman baxoxa indaba ngezithandani ababibiza ngoSam noCharlie. USam wakhula ethuthela njalo futhi wayelangazelela ukuzinza. UCharlie wakhula ebhoreka futhi ecindezelekile futhi wayelambele ubusha nokuhamba. Ngaphezulu babexabana ngokuthi bathuthe yini. Ngaphansi, uSam wayevikela iphupho lokuthi agcine esenendawo ehlalayo, kanti uCharlie wayevikela iphupho lempilo engazwakali incane. Ngokushesha nje befika lapho bengasho leyo ngxenye ngokuzwakalayo, ingxabano yayeka ukuba ukudonsisana yaqala ukuba into ababengayixazulula ndawonye ngempela.
Ngakho ngaphambi kokuvikela uhlangothi lwakho futhi, faka intshisekelo kulokho okuphila ngaphansi kwalo.
- Umlingani ofuna ushintsho angabe evikela iphupho lokukhula, lokungabheki emuva eneminyaka engamashumi amahlanu ezibuza, lokuzifakazela okuthile, lokugcina ezizwa ephila emsebenzini futhi.
- Umlingani omelanayo angabe evikela iphupho lokuphepha, lezimpande, lobungane nemikhuba nomhlaba okuthathe iminyaka ukwakha, lokungabi ngobhekayo njalo.
Awukho iphupho eliyisitha. Sho elakho ngokusobala, bese ubuza, ngentshisekelo yangempela, ukuthi elomunye umuntu liyini.
Indlela yokuba nengxoxo ngempela
Khetha isikhathi esizolile. Hhayi umzuzu isihloko esikuvimba ngawo, hhayi ekupheleni kosuku olukhathazayo. Hlala phansi ngamabomu, ngendlela obungakwenza ngayo kunoma yini ebalulekile.
Bese uzama okuthile okunje:
- Umuntu oyedwa ungophuphayo, omunye ungolalelayo. Nizoshintshanisa izindima kamuva. Umsebenzi kaphuphayo owodwa ukuchaza akufunayo futhi, okubaluleke kakhulu, ukuthi kungani kubalulekile kuye, kungasho ini, ukulangazelela kuvelaphi.
- Olalelayo ubuza imibuzo esikhundleni sokuphikisa. "Iyini indaba engemuva kwalokho?" "Wesabani kakhulu uma singenzi?" Awuvumeli lutho ngokulalela. Uyaqonda nje. Lowo mehluko usindisa imishado eminingi.
- Qamba izingxenye ezingeke ziguqulwe nezingaguqulwa. Cishe lonke iphupho linenhliziyo eguquguqukayo. Mhlawumbe akulona leli dolobha kanye kodwa kuwukuqala okusha. Mhlawumbe akukona ukungathuthi neze kodwa akukona ukuthutha eminyakeni emibili ezayo ngenkathi umzali wakho egula. Thola umehluko phakathi kwephupho nenguqulo eyodwa eqinile yalo obulokhu uyicabanga.
- Funa ukugqagqamana ngaphambi kokufuna impendulo. Uvame ukuthola ukuthi nabelana ngokwengeziwe kunalokho enanicabanga, isifiso sokuthi izingane zibe kahle, ukwesaba umnyakazo, ithemba lokuthi nisayoba iqembu ngakolunye uhlangothi lwalokhu.
- Nqumani ukuthi ucwaningo oluncane belungabukeka kanjani. Ukuvakasha. Uhlelo lwezinyanga eziyisithupha. Ingxoxo nomphathi omusha ngaphambi kokusayina noma yini. Kuyivelakancane ukuthi wenze sonke isinqumo esingaguquleki namuhla.
Uma ingxoxo ishisa, yima. Ubuchopho obugcwaliseke ngeke bube nomusa. Thatha imizuzu engamashumi amabili, uhambe ukhiphe ukushisa, uphinde ubuye. Injongo yanoma iyiphi ingxoxo eyodwa akukona isahlulelo. Kuwukuthi nobabili nishiye nizizwa niqondwe kakhulu kunangenkathi nihlala phansi.
Okwenzeka ngempela lapho izithandani zithatha isinyathelo
Kusiza ukwazi ukuthi ushintsho olwesabayo ngokuvamile lulula ukusinda kunalokho oluzwakala ngayo ekunqumeni.
Ucwaningo luka-2025 ku-*Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin* lwalandela izithandani ezingama-206 ezathuthela emsebenzini womlingani oyedwa, luhlola kusukela ezinyangeni ezimbili ngaphambi kokuthutha kuze kufike unyaka wonke emva kwalokho. Abacwaningi babelindele ukucindezeleka. Okwabamangaza kwakuwumumo wako ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Ezinye zezingxenye ezinzima kunazo zonke, ukuxhamazela kwezindlu, ukukhathazeka ngomsebenzi, izinto zokuhlela, kwaphola njengoba izinyanga ziqhubeka. Eminye imivuzo, njengokwaneliseka kwezimali, empeleni yakhula. Injabulo yobusha yaphola, yebo, kodwa inhlekelele izithandani eziningi eziziqinisela yona cishe ayifikanga.
Ucwaningo luphinde luguqule kancane umcabango ojwayelekile. Sivame ukukhathazeka kakhulu ngomlingani olandelayo, lowo oyeka izinto. Kodwa umlingani oqhuba ukuthutha uvame ukuthwala ingcindezi enzima kunazo zonke ekuqaleni, iphepha, imali, umthwalo othulile wokuba ecele konke lokhu. Bobabili abantu bakhokha inani. Kuyinani nje elihlukile, ngesikhathi esihlukile. Ukukusho lokho komunye komunye ngokuzwakalayo kungashabalalisa ukuningi komunyu.
Akukho kulokho okusho ukuthi impendulo njalo ngu-yebo. Izithandani eziningi ziyakukala ngokuqotho bese zinquma ukuthi izindleko ziphezulu kakhulu okwamanje, futhi leyo yimpendulo yangempela nayo. Lokho ucwaningo olukuphakamisayo kulula. Ngokulungiselela, ngemali esesithombeni, nangokuba nina nobabili nisohlangothini olufanayo ngempela, ushintsho olukhulu luvame kakhulu ukuba into eyokhula ngayo kunento ekuphulayo.
Lapho kukhulu kunengxoxo enzima
Ezinye zalezi zinqumo zibhixekile kakhulu, noma zithwele umlando omdala kakhulu, ukuzikhulula etafuleni lasekhishini. Uma niqhubeka nixabana ingxabano efanayo nifika ebuhlungwini obufanayo, uma omunye wenu ethule wayeka, uma umunyu uqala ukuchichima kukho konke okunye, lokho akukona ukwehluleka. Kuwuphawu lokuthi nina nobabili ningasebenzisa umuntu wesithathu egumbini.
Umelaphi wezithandani akekho lapho ukuthatha uhlangothi noma ukunitshela ukuthi nithuthe yini. Ukhona ukunisiza nibe nengxoxo enilokhu nehluleka ukuba nayo. Abantu abaningi balinda iminyaka eminingi kunokufanele ngaphambi kokwenza lelo cingo. Awudingi.
Futhi uma noma iyiphi inguqulo yalokhu ikwenza uzizwe uwedwa ngempela ngakho, uphelelwe yithemba, noma sengathi ukuthwele kungekho muntu ongakhuluma naye, sicela ufinyelele kumuntu omthembayo noma kuchwepheshe. Izinqumo ezinkulu zisinda. Awuzange wenzelwe ukuzithwala wedwa.
Noma yini oyikhethayo, zama ukuyikhetha njengabantu ababili ababheke ohlangothini olufanayo, amaphupho womabili egumbini. Isinqumo sibalulekile. Indlela eniphathana ngayo ngenkathi nisenza ibaluleke kakhulu, futhi ihlala isikhathi eside.
Imithombo
- The Gottman Institute, Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems
- The Gottman Institute, Make Life Dreams Come True: Dreams Within Conflict
- Society for Personality and Social Psychology, Love on the Move: How Couples Handle the Stress of Relocation
- Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (via PubMed), On the Move: Trajectories of Stressors and Rewards Among Relocating Couples