Amathiphu asheshayo
- Khuluma ngakho nigqokile, hhayi embhedeni.
- Vumela ukwanga kube ukwanga nje.
- Lahla ibhodi lamaphuzu, yeka ukubala izinsuku.
Cabanga ubusuku bangoLwesibili. Omunye wenu welula isandla embhedeni, enethemba. Omunye usevele ulele ngokwengxenye, noma ukhathazekile ngekusasa, noma engazizwa nje. Ucha oluncane. Bese kuba nokugqolozela uphahla ngokuthula ezinhlangothini zombili, lapho omunye umuntu ezizwa enqatshiwe kanti omunye ezizwa ephoqwa, futhi kungekho noyedwa osho igama ngakho.
Lowo mzuzu, ophindaphindwa ezinyangeni, yilokho izithandani eziningi ezikushoyo uma zithi isifiso sazo socansi asihambelani. Igama lezokwelapha lakho ukungefani kwesifiso, futhi uma kwenzeka kuwe, into yokuqala okufanele uyazi ukuthi awuwedwa. Kungenye yezizathu ezivame kakhulu izithandani ezifuna ngazo usizo, futhi umehluko kulokho okufunayo useduze nomthetho kunokuba yinto engavamile. Abantu ababili cishe abaneli bafune into efanayo ngamandla afanayo ngesikhathi esifanayo, kuze kube phakade. Igebe uqobo alilona inkinga. Okwenzayo ngalo yikho.
Cishe wakhelwe ukufuna ngendlela ehlukile
Ingxenye enkulu yobuhlungu ngakho ivela emcabangweni ofihlekile: wokuthi isifiso sisebenza ngendlela efanayo kuwo wonke umuntu, ngakho uma umlingani wakho engaqali, kufanele ukuthi akakufuni.
Lowo mcabango uvame ukuba ngoyiphutha, futhi abacwaningi bezocansi banesithombe esicace kangcono. Kunezindlela cishe ezimbili isifiso esivela ngazo. Abanye abantu bezwa isifiso esizisukelayo, inhlansi engaziwa lapho ivelaphi efika ngaphambi kokuba kwenzeke lutho. Abanye bezwa isifiso esisabelayo, esivela ngemva kokuba ukusondelana nokujabula sekuqalile, hhayi ngaphambili. Umuntu onesifiso esisabelayo ngokuvamile akabi "osesimweni" engena egumbini. Bafinyelela lapho ngokuthintwa, ngokufudumala, nangomuzwa wokuphepha, bese isifiso siyabalanda.
Lezi azizona ezingcono noma ezimbi. Ziyiminyango nje ehlukene engena egumbini elifanayo. Futhi zivame ukwehlukana ngemigqa ejwayelekile. Uphenyo luthola ukuthi isifiso esizisukelayo sivame kakhulu kwabesilisa, kanti isifiso esisabelayo sivame kakhulu kwabesifazane, yize abantu abaningi bengabahlukile. Ngakho ukungefani okuvamile kakhulu umlingani onesifiso esizisukelayo oqhubeka elinde umlingani wakhe onesifiso esisabelayo ukuba azwe inhlansi kuqala. Bobabili balindile. Akekho onephutha. Bamane banezindawo zokuqala ezihlukene, futhi akekho owake wachaza lokho.
Uma lezi kuyizindaba ezintsha kuwe, hlala nazo umzuzwana. Ingxenye enkulu ye"mlingani wami akangifuni" empeleni i"mlingani wami ungifuna ngendlela ehlukile kunalokho engangikulindele."
Yini ondla igebe
Isifiso akulona isilungiselelo esimile. Sihamba nayo yonke impilo yakho, futhi isikhathi sesifiso esiphansi sivame ukuba ngokuthile, hhayi lutho.
Izimbangela zibuthelana ngokuthulile:
- Ukukhathala, ingcindezi, nomthwalo wengqondo womsebenzi nezingane. Ukufuna kudinga amandla asele, futhi abantu abaningi abanawo ngo-10 ebusuku.
- Impilo namahomoni. Ukukhulelwa, ukuyeka ukuya esikhathini, izinkinga ze-thyroid, ukucindezeleka kwengqondo, nezinhlungu ezingapheli konke lokhu kushintsha isifiso. Kanjalo nemithi evamile, kuhlanganise imithi eminingi yokulwa nokucindezeleka nemithi yomfutho wegazi. I-Cleveland Clinic ibala lokhu njengezimbangela ezijwayelekile, ezelapheka zesifiso esiphansi socansi, hhayi amaphutha obuntu.
- Ubuhlobo uqobo. Ibanga, ukucasuka okungaxazululiwe, noma nje ukungabi nesikhathi sokuphumula ndawonye kuzokwehlisa isifiso ngokushesha kunacishe yonke into.
- Umjikelezo owenziwa ukungefani. Lo unobuqili. Umlingani onesifiso esiphakeme, esekhathele ukwenqatshwa, uqala ukuqala kaningi noma ngokunovalo kakhulu. Umlingani onesifiso esiphansi, ezwa lolo shova, uhlehla kakhulu. Isinyathelo ngasinye senza esinye sibe sibi. Kungakadluli sikhathi wonke ukuthinta luphethe uphawu lombuzo, futhi ngisho nothando olungahlangene nocansi luyagwenywa ngoba lungase lufundwe njengesicelo.
Lowo mjikelezo wokugcina ufanele ukuqanjwa ngokuzwakalayo, ngoba uma usuqhubeka, ungabukeka sengathi izithandani zinenkinga yesifiso kanti ngempela ezinayo yinkinga yokushova-nokugwema ehlezi phezu komehluko ovamile.
Yini esiza ngempela
Ngenkathi abacwaningi uLaura Vowels noKristen Mark befunda ukuthi izithandani zibhekana kanjani nokungefani kwesifiso, bathola into ecacisayo. Isu elasebenza kabi kunawo wonke kwakuwukungenzi lutho, ukulinda uthemba ukuthi kuyodlula. Izindlela ezasiza kakhulu kwakuyilezo abalingani abazenza ndawonye: ukukhuluma ngokukhululekile ngakho, nokwandisa lokho okubalwa njengobudlelwane obusondelene esikhundleni sokuphatha ukusangana njengomphumela owodwa kuphela. Isifundo sicacile. Ukugwema kuwukuphela kwesinyathelo esiphindisela emuva njalo.
Ngakho umsebenzi imvamisa umayelana nokuguqula ukungqubuzana okuthulile kube yinto enibhekana nayo njengeqembu.
Khuluma ngakho ngenkathi ningekho embhedeni. Isikhathi esibi kakhulu sokuxoxa ngalokhu ngomzuzu onethenjwa woyebo-noma-cha. Kuveze usuhamba, usemotweni, endaweni engenangozi enkulu nigqokile. Qala ngalokho okuzwayo nokufunayo, hhayi ngesikhalazo ngomlingani wakho. "Ngikhumbula ukuzizwa ngisondelene nawe" kufika ngendlela ehluke kakhulu ku"awusangifuni."
Hlukanisa uthando nocansi. Uma konke ukwanga noma isandla emhlane sekusho ukuthi "pho, siyakwenza?", umlingani onesifiso esiphansi ufunda ukukugwema konke. Vumelanani, ngokuzwakalayo, ukuthi ukuthinta kungaba ukuthinta nje. Lokho kodwa kungasusa ishova elikhulu egumbini futhi, ngokuvamile, kwenze isifiso sangempela sibe lula ukusithola futhi.
Vulela isifiso esisabelayo indawo. Uma omunye wenu efudumala ngemva kokuba izinto ziqalile kunangaphambili, khona-ke ukulinda ukuzizwa ngaso kungasho ukulinda phakade. Ukuvuleleka ekusondelaneni, ngaphandle koshova lokufinyelela emgqeni othile wokugcina, kuvumela umnyango osabelayo ukuthi uvuleke. Isivumelwano esibalulekile: ukuqala kuvunyelwe ukungaholeli ndawo. Ukujabula nokuxhumana yikho okuqondiwe, hhayi inani elimisiwe.
Yandisa incazelo yobudlelwane obusondelene. Ucansi akusona senzo esisodwa. Ukubambana, ukuzinika isikhathi, ukunaka okungahlangene nendawo ekuyiwa kuyo, konke kubalwa njengokusondelana. Izithandani eziyeka ukulinganisa ngokuvama bese ziqala ukunaka ikhwalithi yokuxhumana zivame ukuzizwa kangcono ngokushesha.
Lahla ibhodi lamaphuzu. "Sekuyizinsuku eziyisishiyagalolunye" ngumcabango ongasizi muntu. Ukubala kwenza umlingani wakho abe yimbangi. Umgomo akukhona ukunqoba igebe noma ukulilinganisa ngokuphelele. Kungukuqhubeka nokufuna impilo enhle yomunye ngenkathi nithola isigqi eningaphila naso nobabili.
Akukho kulokhu okumayelana nomuntu onesifiso esiphansi eziphoqa, noma umuntu onesifiso esiphakeme egwinya sonke isidingo. Kokubili lokho kuzala ukucasuka. Kumayelana nokuphuma emjikelezweni othulile nokuphatha umehluko njengephazili elabelwanayo esikhundleni sesahlulelo phezu kobuhlobo.
Ukuthi nini ulethe usizo
Okunye kwalokhu ningakuxazulula ekhaya ngesineke nangobuqotho. Okunye ningeke, futhi ukufinyelela usizo kuyisinyathelo esihlakaniphile, hhayi ithuluzi lokugcina.
Uma isifiso sehle ngokuzumayo noma sifike nezinye izinguquko emzimbeni wakho, esimweni sengqondo, noma amandla, qala ngodokotela. Izindaba eziningi zesifiso esiphansi ziphetha zinembangela ephathelene nomzimba noma nemithi eyelapheka kalula uma isitholakele. Iseluleko esicacile se-Cleveland Clinic ukubona umhlinzeki wezempilo uma isifiso esiphansi socansi silimaza impilo yakho enhle noma ubuhlobo bakho.
Uma izingxoxo ziqhubeka ziphambana, noma umjikelezo wokushova-nokugwema usuqiniswe waba ukucasuka, udokotela wengqondo wezithandani oqeqeshelwe ukwelapha kwezocansi angasiza kakhulu kunacishe yonke into oyofunda ngayo. Bakwenza lokhu kube umsebenzi wabo. Banganinika nobabili ulimi lwezinto ezizwakala zingenakwenzeka ukuzisho phesheya kwetafula lasekhishini, negumbi elingakhethi lapho ningazisho khona. Ukufuna lolo hlobo losizo akusho ukuthi ubuhlobo bakho buyahluleka. Izithandani ezinakekelanayo nezifuna ukuhlala zisondelene yizona kanye eziya khona.
Futhi uma umehluko esifisweni usongelwe entweni esindayo, ukuphoqelela, ukwesaba, noma ukuzizwa ungaphephile nomlingani wakho maqondana nocansi, lokho akusekona ukungefani okuxoxiswanwa ngakho. Lokho kufanelwe usekelo lwangempela kumuntu oqeqeshelwe ukusiza, futhi ukuphepha kwakho kuza kuqala.
Izithandani ezidlula kulokhu akuzona lezo ezenzeka zifune ucansi ngezinga elifana ncamashi. Yizona ezayeka ukuvumela umehluko uphile ekuthuleni zaqala ukukhulumisana futhi njengabalingani beqembu. Igebe lingase lingavaleki ngokuphelele. Ibanga phakathi kwenu akudingeki likhule ngaphakathi kulo.
Imithombo
- National Center for Biotechnology Information, Strategies for Mitigating Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Relationships (Vowels & Mark)
- Medical News Today, Mismatched sex drives: Relationships and coping
- Cleveland Clinic, Low Libido (Low Sex Drive) Causes & Treatment
- The Gottman Institute, The Perpetual Problem of Mismatched Sex Drives