Uma usenkingeni noma ucabanga ukuzilimaza, awuwedwa. E-USA, shayela ucingo noma uthumele umlayezo ku-988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, imini nobusuku), thumela u-HOME ku-741741 (Crisis Text Line), noma ushayele u-911 engozini esheshayo.
Amathiphu asheshayo
- Zibuze ukuthi umngane ubezokutshelani lapha.
- Hlalela okukhona, hhayi lokho okuthembayo.
- Kusho ngokuzwakalayo kumuntu oyedwa ophephile.
Cishe usunomuzwa. Yiyo indlela lokhu okuvame ukuqala ngayo. Hhayi ngomcimbi owodwa omubi, kodwa ngezwi elincane, elikhathele eliqhubeka livela ngamahora angajwayelekile, libuza umbuzo ofanayo olokhu uzikhulumela ukuphuma kuwo. Ngisafanele yini ukuba lapha?
Abantu abaningi ababuza lowo mbuzo sebelokhu bewubuza isikhathi eside. Sebeba nekhono lokuwuphendula bawususe. Bekuyisonto elibi. Wonke umuntu unezikhathi ezinzima. Bacindezeleke kakhulu njengamanje. Mhlawumbe uma bengibe nesineke kancane, ngidinga kancane, ngingcono kancane, bekungaba kuhle.
Lena akuyona indatshana yokuyekela abantu. Ubudlelwano bangempela bunzima, futhi izingxenye ezinzima akulona uphawu lokuthi kukhona okuphukile. Kodwa kukhona umehluko phakathi kobudlelwano obudlula entweni nobudlelwano, kancane kancane, obuthatha okwakho okwengeziwe kunalokho obukubuyisayo. Ukuhlukanisa lezo zimbili kungenye yezinto ezinzima umuntu okumele azenze. Ngakho ake sizame ukukwenza ngokuqotho.
Kungani lesi sinqumo sinzima kangaka ukusenza
Ukuhamba kuzwakala njengokwehluleka. Sifundiswa ukuthi ukuhlala ukwethembeka nokuhamba ukuyeka, ukuthi abantu abahle bayazixazulula izinto, ukuthi uthando lusho ukuthi awuyeki. Ngakho lapho ubudlelwano bubuhlungu, umuzwa wokuqala uvame ukuzama kanzima kunokubheka ngokuqondile ukuthi ngabe kufanele buqhubeke yini.
Kukhona nogibe oluthulile, futhi lunegama. Sivame ukuqhubeka sitshala entweni ngokumane ngoba sesitshale kakhulu. Ochwepheshe bezomnotho bakubiza ngokuthi i-sunk cost fallacy. Iminyaka oyifakile, umlando, ifulethi elabelwene ngalo noma izingane ezabelwene ngazo, inguqulo yekusasa lakho osuvele wayakha ekhanda lakho. Konke lokho kuba yisizathu sokuhlala, ngisho lapho okungekho kukho okuwubufakazi bokuthi ukuhlala kuhle kuwe. Qaphela lapha. Isikhathi osuvele usichithile sihambile noma kunjani. Umbuzo owodwa wangempela ukuthi unyaka olandelayo wempilo yakho uzokubiza ini, nokuthi uzokunikani.
Enye into eyenza lokhu kube nzima. Uma ungaphakathi kobudlelwano obudla amandla, ukwahlulela kwakho kungenye yezinto zokuqala eziba nenkungu. Uma uchithe isikhathi eside utshelwa ukuthi uzwela kakhulu, noma ukuthi izinto ozikhumbulayo azenzekanga, ungazabalaza ngempela ukuthemba indlela obona ngayo isimo. Leyo nkungu akuwona ubufakazi bokuthi unephutha. Ngezinye izikhathi iwulwazi ngokwayo.
Ukuthi ubudlelwano bumele buzwakale kanjani
Kuyasiza ukuba nento yokulinganisa nayo, ngoba uma usungajabuli isikhathi eside ungakhohlwa ukuthi izinga eliyisisekelo liyini nje.
Ubudlelwano obunempilo, uhlobo odokotela abaluchazayo futhi abaningi bethu esilubona uma silubona, buhlanganyela izici ezimbalwa ezicacile. Kukhona ukuhlonipha imikhawulo yomunye nomunye nezimpilo ezihlukene zomunye nomunye. Ukwethemba okwakhayo, kunokuguguleka, ngokuhamba kwesikhathi. Indawo yokungavumelani ngaphandle kokuba kube yimpi. Umusa njengesimo sezulu esijwayelekile, hhayi okwehlukile okuyivelakancane. Umuzwa wokuthi uphephile nalo muntu, usekelwa yibo, futhi ubalulekile ngempela. Njengoba i-Cleveland Clinic ikubeka, umusa ebudlelwaneni ubukeka ngokuzizwa uphephile, usekelwa, futhi ubalulekile komunye umuntu.
Qaphela okungekho kulolo hlu. Alusho ukuthi ubudlelwano abulokothi bube nokungqubuzana, abulokothi budumaze, abulokothi budinge umsebenzi. Zonke izibopho ezisondelene zinokungqubuzana. Umbuzo ukuthi ngabe, ngaphansi kokungqubuzana, lezo zimo eziyisisekelo zikhona yini. Uma zikhona, izikhathi ezinzima ziyasindeka. Uma zingasekho, akukho zinga lomzamo ngakwakho elingazikhiqiza wedwa.
Izimpawu zokuthi kungaba yisikhathi sokuwubheka ngokujulile umbuzo
Alikho ikhadi lamaphuzu elikunqumela lokhu. Kodwa amanye amaphethini afanele ukunakwa kwangempela, ikakhulukazi lapho ephindaphinda futhi engashintshi noma ngabe uzama ini.
- Uzizwa sengathi uhamba phezu kwamaqanda. Ulawula amazwi akho, ithoni yakho, ubuso bakho, njalo uzilungiselela ukusabela. Ubudlelwano obunempilo abusebenzi ngalolo hlobo lokwesaba.
- Umhlaba wakho usuncipha. Abantu ababevame ukusondelana nawe sebehambile, noma usuqhelaniswe nabo. Ukuhlukaniswa nabangane nomndeni kungenye yezimpawu zokuxwayisa ezicacile abameli bodlame lwasekhaya abaziqambayo, ngoba kususa kanye labo bantu abangakusiza ubone ngokucacile.
- Wenziwa uzizwe umncane njalo. Ukutshelwa ukuthi awukaze wenze lutho kahle, ukuchithwa noma ukuklolodelwa kwemizwa yakho, ukugxekwa phambi kwabanye. Ukuconsa kokudelela kuyagugula ngendlela ukuxabana okukodwa okungakwenzi ngayo.
- Imizuzu emihle isiqala ukusebenza njengezixolo. Iphethini yokuqhuma kulandelwe ukufudumala okuzumayo nezethembiso, bese kubuye kwakheke ukungezwani, yinto abameli abayichaza ngokukhethekile. Uma uzithola uphilela isigaba sokubuyisana, lokho kufanele ukuqashelwe.
- Umzimba wakho uyabala. Inkinga yokulala, ifindo esiswini sakho ngaphambi kokubabona, umuzwa wokukhululeka lapho behamba. Ukucindezeleka kobudlelwano okuqhubeka isikhathi eside kuxhunywe emiphumeleni yangempela empilweni yomzimba neyengqondo, futhi umzimba wakho uvame ukubhalisa izindleko ngaphambi kokuba ingqondo yakho ikuvume.
- Usuyekile ukuzibona. Ukhathazeke kakhulu, uqanda kakhulu, umncane, uthule kakhulu kunalokho obukade uyikho.
Izikhathi ezinzima ezimbalwa ezimbili azenzi ubudlelwano bube yinto elahlekile. Iphethini ezinzile, enganyakazi ezinyangeni noma eminyakeni iyinto ehlukile.
Imibuzo embalwa eqotho ongahlala nayo
Uma uzama ukucabangisisa ngakho, le ivame ukudabula umsindo kangcono kunanoma yiluphi uhlu lokuhlola:
- Uma umngane engichazela lobu budlelwano ncamashi, bengingabatshelani? Cishe njalo sicace kakhulu ngezimo zabanye abantu kunezethu. Boleka lokho kucaca.
- Ngabe ngihlalela lokho okukhona, noma lokho engithemba ukuthi kungaba yikho? Ithemba akuyona into embi. Kodwa kukhona umehluko phakathi komlingani oshintsha ngempela nomlingani olinde ukuthi ashintshe.
- Yini engiyicelile, ngaphezu kokukodwa, engilokhu ngingayitholi? Amaphethini abaluleke kakhulu kunezethembiso lapha.
- Bengingaba ngubani onyakeni uma kungekho okushintshayo ngalokhu? Kucabange ngokuqondile. Naka indlela umzimba wakho ophendula ngayo ngaphambi kokuba ikhanda lakho likwenze.
Akudingeki uxazulule konke lokhu ngokuhlala kanye. Ngokuvamile into ewusizo kakhulu ukumane uyeke ukuzikhulumela ukuphuma embuzweni bese uzivumela ukuthi ngempela uwubuke.
Uma lokhu kukhulu kunesinqumo esinzima
Kukhona umugqa oshintsha konke. Uma wesaba umlingani wakho, uma usongelwe, ulawulwe, noma ulinyaziwe, noma uma ukuhamba kuzwakala kungaphephile ngokomzimba, lokhu akuseyona indaba yokuthi ubudlelwano buyakufanela yini. Ukuphepha kwakho kuza kuqala, ngokuphelele. Ukushiya isimo sokuhlukumezeka kungaba umzuzu oyingozi kakhulu, okuyisona kanye isizathu sokuthi kufanele kwenziwe ngosizo kunokuba wedwa. Abameli abaqeqeshiwe bangakhuluma ngakho nawe ngokuyimfihlo bakusize wenze uhlelo, ngaphandle kwengcindezi nangaphandle kokwahlulela.
Futhi uma ukuthwele lokhu buthule, ukhathele futhi ungaqiniseki, sicela ungakuthwali wedwa. Udokotela wengqondo noma umeluleki angakusiza ubone isimo ngokucacile kakhulu futhi uzinzise ukuma kwakho ngenkathi unquma. Umngane othembekile angaba yindawo yokusho into ngokuzwakalayo okokuqala. Ukukuqamba kumuntu oyedwa ophephile ngokuvamile yilapho inkungu iqala ukususuka.
Ukuhamba akufani nokuyekela, futhi ukuhlala akufani nothando. Kokubili kungaba ukukhetha okunesibindi, kuye ngokuthi yini eyiqiniso. Uvunyelwe ukufuna impilo ezwakala iphephile futhi inomusa. Ukufuna lokho akukuningi ukukucela.
Imithombo
- Cleveland Clinic, 12 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship
- The National Domestic Violence Hotline, Warning Signs of Abuse
- Harvard Health Publishing, Fostering healthy relationships