Ukubeka Imingcele Nabazali Bakho Njengomuntu Omdala

Uneminyaka engamashumi amathathu nane, noma engamashumi amane nanye, noma engamashumi amabili nesithupha, futhi ifoni yakho ikhanya ngegama likanyoko, isisu sakho senza kanye lokho kwehla okuncane okwakwenza usemncane uneminyaka eyishumi nanhlanu. Noma uyihlo enze amazwi ngomsebenzi wakho, isisindo sakho, iqabane lakho, indlela okhulisa ngayo abantwana bakho, bese uzizwa ubuyela emuntwini owawucabanga ukuthi usumdlulile. Ubudlelwano bahamba phambili ngeminyaka. Abuzange njalo bahambe phambili ngesimo.

Yilelo gebe esikhuluma ngalo lapha. Ndawana thile endleleni waba ngumuntu omdala ngokugcwele, onekhaya lakho nezinqumo zakho nesikhathi sakho sokulala, futhi abantu abakukhulisa basasebenza ngohlelo lokusebenza oludala, lolo lapho babenevoti khona. Ukubeka umngcele yindlela oyibuyekeza ngayo. Hhayi ukubajezisa. Ukwenza ubudlelwano bubekezeleke, mhlawumbe bube buhle.

Masicacise ukuthi umngcele uyini ngempela, ngoba leli gama liphonswa yonke indawo kuze kungabi lutho. Umngcele akusona isidingo sokuthi abazali bakho bashintshe. Awukwazi ukubenza bayeke ukunikeza imibono noma bayeke ukudumala. Umngcele yisinqumo mayelana nalokho *wena* ozokwenza. ICleveland Clinic ikubeka kahle: imingcele enempilo ayizami ukulawula omunye umuntu, ihlanganyela izidingo zakho ngenkathi ihlonipha ezakhe. Umugqa owudwebayo uzungeze ukuziphatha kwakho. "Uma ingxoxo iphenduka ukugxeka umshado wami, ngizoshintsha isihloko noma ngivale ucingo." Lokho ngokwakho ukukugcina, akudingeki mvume.

Kungani lona unzima kakhulu kuneminye imingcele

Cishe ungatshela osebenza naye ukuthi awuthathi izingcingo emva kwesithupha ngaphandle kokulahlekelwa ubuthongo. Umusho ofanayo kuyihlo ungazwakala njengokukhaphela. Kunesizathu salokho, futhi akubona ubuthakathaka.

Lobu ubudlelwano obudala kunabo bonke onabo. Kubo bonke ubuntwana bakho, ukugcina abazali bakho bejabule kwakungekhona okuzikhethelayo, kwakuyindlela umuntu omncane ayehlala ephephile ethandwa ngayo. Lokho kuxhumana kujulile, futhi akucimi nje ngoba usayine isivumelwano sokuqasha. Ngakho uma ekugcineni uthi "ngicela ungafiki ungazisile," enye ingxenye endala yobuchopho bakho ikufunda njengokuyingozi, ngisho nalapho ingqondo yakho endala yazi ukuthi kunengqondo. Icala eligcwalayo alibona ubufakazi bokuthi wenza okungalungile. Kuyi-alamu endala ekhala egumbini elingaselona elivuthayo.

IDepression and Bipolar Support Alliance iqamba izinto ezimbili ezivimba iningi labantu ukuba libeke imingcele nhlobo: icala, nokwesaba ukusabela okubi. Kufanele uhlale nalokho okwesikhashana. Umuzwa okutshela ukuthi uhlehle ngumuzwa ovame kunayo yonke lapha. Cishe wonke umuntu oke wadweba lo mugqa uke wawuzwa. Akusona isignali sokuma.

Thola ukuthi umugqa uhamba kuphi ngempela

Ngaphambi kokuthi ucele noma yini, kufanele wazi ukuthi udingani, futhi iningi lethu alilokothi lehle ngokwanele ukuze lithole. Sizwa nje ukwanda kwenzondo singakulandeleli emsukeni wakho.

Ngakho qala lapho. Qaphela izikhathi ezithile ezikushiya ucindezelekile, umncane, noma uthukuthele emva kokuvala ucingo. Umngcele uhlala kulezo zikhathi. ICleveland Clinic ibeka yonke le nto njengeqala ngokuzazi, ngoba, njengoba beyibeka, kufanele wazi ukuthi udingani ukuze ukwazi ukukucela. Ezinye izindawo ezivamile umugqa ovame ukuwela kuzo:

• Isikhathi. Ukuthi nikhuluma kangaki, ukuthi uphendula yini ekukhaleni kokuqala, ukuthi amaholidi angawabo ngokuzenzakalelayo yini.
• Ulwazi. Lokho okwabelanayo ngempilo yakho, imali yakho, ubudlelwano bakho, ukukhulisa kwakho abantwana. Uvunyelwe ukuzigcinela izinto. Ubumfihlo akulona amanga.
• Iseluleko. Ukuthi imibono ongayicelanga ngempilo yakho ithola isihlalo etafuleni yini.
• Isikhala somzimba. Ukungena ungashayelanga. Ukungena ekamelweni lakho lokulala. Ukuhlela kabusha ikhishi lakho "ukusiza."
• Indlela okhulunyiswa ngayo. Ukumemeza, ukuthula ngokungakhulumi, amazwi agwazayo.

Akudingeki ukulungise konke. Khetha lokho okukubiza ukuthula okuningi bese uqala lapho.

Indlela yokukusho ukuze kufike

Ukucaca nomusa kunqoba ubuhlakani njalo. Awukweleti nkulumo, incazelo yezomthetho, noma uhlu lwazo zonke iziphambeko ezedlule. Sho isidingo, qamba lokho ozokwenza, bese uyeka ukukhuluma.

Ithuluzi elithembeke kakhulu umusho othi "Mina," futhi liyasebenza ngoba lichaza ukuhlangenwe nakho kwakho esikhundleni sokubeka umzali wakho ecaleni. IDBSA iphakamisa ifreyimu elula ongayigcwalisa: *Ngizizwa ___ uma ___ ngoba ___. Engikudingayo ___.* Uma kushiwo ngokuzwakalayo, kungaba: "Ngizizwa nginovalo uma ungena ungashayelanga, ngoba kungibamba ngingalindele. Engingakucela ukuthi sibeke isikhathi kuqala." Qhathanisa lokho no "uhlala ungena ngendluzula futhi ungenanhlonipho ngami," okuyiqiniso ngomuzwa kodwa okuqinisekisa impi. Owokuqala umnyango. Owesibili udonga.

1. Kusho ngokuzola, futhi ungachazi ngokweqile. Uma uchaza kakhulu, kuya kuzwakala njengesicelo semvume, futhi kuya kuba khona okuningi okungaphikiswana ngakho. "Lokho akungisebenzeli" ngumusho ophelele.
2. Yeqa uhambo lokuxolisa. "Ngiyaxolisa kakhulu, ngizizwa kabi, ngithemba awucasukile" itshela umzali wakho ukuthi umngcele usavulelekile ukuxoxisana. Ungaba nomusa ngaphandle kokuxolisa.
3. Hlanganisa umkhawulo nothando lapho ukwazi. "Ngifuna siqhubeke sikhulume masonto onke. Angikwazi nje ukwenza izingcingo zansuku zonke okwamanje." Awuvali ubudlelwano. Ubunciphisa nje ubungako.
4. Khetha isikhathi esizolile, hhayi phakathi kokuqubuka. Imingcele ebekwe phakathi kwempi ayivamile ukusinda kuze kube sekuseni.

Uma izingxoxo ezinkulu zizwakala zingenakwenzeka, qala kancane. Iseluleko seDBSA ukuqala ngomkhawulo ongabalulekile kangako bese usebenza usuka lapho. Ukwenqaba isimemo sesidlo sakusihlwa esisodwa ukuzilolonga okuhle kwezingxoxo ezinzima kamuva.

Lindela ukuphikiswa, futhi ukuhlelele

Nansi ingxenye abantu abangaxwayiswa ngayo. Umngcele uvame ukuba *mubi* ngaphambi kokuba ube ngcono. Uma ushintsha iphethini elikhona isikhathi eside, omunye umuntu uvame ukuhlola ukuthi uqonde ngempela yini. Bafika bengazisile noma kunjalo. Benza amazwi ecala. Bashayela umfowenu noma udadewenu ukubika ukuthi ushintshile.

Lokhu kuhlola kuvamile, futhi akusona isibonakaliso sokuthi wenze iphutha. Uhlelo oludala luzama ukuziqala kabusha. Okunquma ukuthi umngcele uyabambelela yini yilokho okwenzayo ngaleso sikhathi, hhayi lokho okushilo ngokokuqala. Ukungaguquki yiwo wonke umdlalo. Uma uthe uzoqeda izingcingo eziphenduka ukugxeka, khona-ke ngesikhathi sesithathu kwenzeka kufanele uqede ngempela, ngobumnene, ucingo. ICleveland Clinic ibeka lokhu njengokuqhubeka: isikhumbuzo esizolile kuqala, bese kuba ulimi oluqinile uma kudingeka, into elula njengokuthi "sengivele ngahlanganyela lapho ngimi khona, futhi akushintshanga."

Yilapha umugqa phakathi komngcele nesixwayiso obalulekile khona. Isixwayiso sizama ukubalawula: "uma uphinde ugxeke umyeni wami futhi, ngeke uphinde ubabone abazukulu bakho." Umngcele ulawula kuphela isinyathelo sakho esilandelayo: "uma ingxoxo iphendukela emshadweni wami, ngizohamba, singazama futhi ngolunye usuku." Sinye siwusongo. Esinye nguwe nje, uzinakekela ngokuzola. Ungabamba umngcele ngaphandle kokuphakamisa izwi lakho, futhi ngaphandle kokukwenza kube yireferendamu yokuthi bangumzali omuhle yini.

Qaphela neminyango eseceleni. Umzali ongakwazi ukukuphikisa akususe emkhawulweni ngezinye izikhathi uzowuzungeza. Bayidlulisa isikhalo ngomfowenu, noma ngomkakho, noma bakuveze phambi kwezihlobo esidlweni lapho beyazi ukuthi ngeke wenze isiyaluyalu. Lokho kuwukuphikiswa okufanayo okugqoke ijazi elihlukile. Ungakuphendula ngendlela efanayo ezolile: "Ngijabulela ukukhuluma ngalokhu nawe ngqo, kodwa ngeke ngikwenze ngoSarah." Akudingeki ukuvikela umngcele phambi kwezethameli zonke. Awuzange ubekwe evotini lomndeni.

Emva kokubamba umugqa, icala liyeza kuwe

Ukubeka umngcele kungumsebenzi owodwa. Ukusinda emahoreni alandelayo ngomunye, futhi cishe akekho okuxwayisa ngaleyo ngxenye yesibili. Uzovala ucingo usuwenze khona kanye lokho obuhlose ukukwenza, bese uzizwa kabi. Ukuphinda kuyaqala. *Ngabe bengilukhuni kakhulu. Bazwakale belimele. Mhlawumbe akuyona into enkulu kangako.* Lena yisikhathi imingcele eminingi efa buthule ngaso, hhayi engxoxweni kodwa emlayezweni wokuxolisa owuthumela ihora kamuva ukuze uqede umuzwa omubi.

Ungawuthumeli okwamanje. Ukungakhululeki kungokwangempela, kodwa kwesikhashana, futhi kuwuphawu lokuthi umngcele musha, hhayi uphawu lokuthi awulungile. Yonke indlela iDBSA ekubeka ngayo lapha ukuthi icala nokwesaba ukusabela okubi kuyintengo evamile yokungena, nokuthi ukungakhululeki kufanele kubekezelelwe ngoba umngcele uvikela ukuzihlonipha kwakho ngakolunye uhlangothi. Nika umuzwa isikhathi esincane ngaphambi kokuthi unqume ukuthi usho ukuthini. Izinto ezimbalwa ezisiza kulawo mahora: tshela umuntu oyedwa omethembayo lokho okwenzile ukuze kungaduma ekhanda lakho wedwa, bhala phansi isizathu sangempela sokubeka umkhawulo ukuze icala lingakwazi ukubhala kabusha umlando, futhi zikhumbuze ukuthi umzali ozizwa edumele akufani nokuthi wena wenze umonakalo. Abantu abadala bavunyelwe ukudumazana. Kuyasindeka nakuzo zombili izinhlangothi.

Qaphela futhi okwenzekayo uma ungagobi. Imvamisa ubudlelwano buba lula, hhayi buqhelelane. Inzondo eyayivame ukuvuza ekuvakasheni ngakunye manje inendawo yokuya, ngakho ungakwazi ngempela ukujabulela izingxenye ezinhle. Lowo umvuzo othule abantu abangawulindele.

Awuqedi ubudlelwano, uyabakha kabusha

Kufanele kushiwo ngokusobala, ngoba ukwesaba okungaphansi kwakho konke lokhu ngokuvamile kuyafana: ukuthi ukudweba umugqa kuzokulahlekelisa abazali bakho. Isikhathi esiningi kwenza okuphambene. Umngcele akulona udonga phakathi kwenu. Yinto ekuvumela ukuthi nihlale niseduze ngaphandle kokuthi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi niqale ukwesabana.

Owukwenzayo ngempela ukuxoxisana kabusha ngemibandela yesivumelwano esidala. Inguqulo yobuntwana yayibabeka bephethe wena uthobela. Inguqulo yobudala isondele kubantu ababili abadala abanakekelanayo futhi abakhetha ukuthi bachitha kanjani isikhathi sabo. Odokotela abasebenza ohlangothini lwabazali balokhu bachaza ukushintsha okunempilo ngendlela efanayo, baphathe ingane esikhulile njengengancikile kangako futhi njengelingana elijwayelekile, futhi baphawula ukuthi inhlonipho yokuzimela kufanele ihambe ngazo zombili izindlela. Ungabamba leso silinganiso kubazali bakho. Umgomo ubudlelwano lapho nobabili niba khona abantu abaphelele, hhayi lapho othile ehlala encipha ukugcina ukuthula.

Kunike isikhathi, futhi. Ngeke uqeqeshe kabusha isimo esineminyaka engamashumi amane ngocingo olulodwa, futhi awudingi. Ngaso sonke isikhathi ubamba umugqa omncane futhi isibhakabhaka singawi, nobabili nifunda okuthile. Bafunda ukuthi isimo esisha singokwangempela. Wena ufunda ukuthi ungabathanda kodwa usazigcina. Leso sifundo sesibili yiso esishintsha konke.

Uma ubudlelwano bungaphezu kobunzima

Konke okungenhla kucabanga ubudlelwano obunothando ngokuyisisekelo obubambeke esimeni esidala. Ezinye izimo zisinda kunalokho, futhi zifanelwe impendulo ehlukile.

Uma umzali ehlukumeza, uma ukuxhumana naye njalo kukushiya wesaba noma usengozini, uma kungekho mngcele owubekayo owake wahlonishwa, khona-ke ibanga elikhulu kungaba yisinqumo esinempilo, hhayi esithusayo. Lokho kungasho ukuxhumana okuncane, okukhawulelwe ngokucophelela futhi ngemibandela yakho, noma kwezinye izimo kungabikho kuxhumana nhlobo. ICleveland Clinic ichaza ukungaxhumani nhlobo ngokuvamile njengendlela yokugcina, futhi iphawula ukuthi kusebenza ngempela kuphela uma omunye umuntu ehlonipha izifiso zakho. Iphinde ithembeke ukuthi ukuhlehla kungaletha usizi lwangempela, ngisho nalapho kuyisinqumo esifanele, uhlobo lokulila ubudlelwano owawufisa ukuba nabo. Ukuzwa lokho kulahlekelwa akusho ukuthi wakhetha kabi.

Akudingeki wenze isinqumo esikhulu kangaka wedwa, futhi akufanele. Udokotela wengqondo angakusiza ukuhlela lokho okudingayo ngempela, abambe umugqa uma icala lizama ukukukhulumisa ukuba uwuyeke, futhi akutshele umehluko phakathi kobudlelwano obunzima nobulimazayo. Uma ukuziphatha komzali kukwenza uzizwe ungenathemba noma ungaphephile, leyo akuyona inkinga oyibhekana nayo wedwa ngamandla. Ukucela usizo lapho kungenye yezinto zobudala kakhulu ongazenza.

Umgomo kukho konke lokhu awuzange ube ngowokunqoba, noma ukwenza abazali bakho babe ngabantu abehlukile. Ukukwazi ukuma egumbini elilodwa nabantu abakukhulisa kodwa usazizwa unguwe. Lokho kufanelwe yizingxoxo eziphoxayo. Icala liyancipha. Inguqulo yakho engabathanda ngaphandle kokunyamalala ivame ukuhlala.

Sources

• Cleveland Clinic, How To Set Boundaries in Healthy Ways
• Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, 8 Tips on Setting Boundaries for Your Mental Health
• Cleveland Clinic, Going No-Contact With a Parent or Family Member: What You Need To Know
• Psych Central, How To Set Boundaries With Your Adult Children