Amathiphu asheshayo
- Yehlisa ukuphefumula okuphumayo ngaphambi kokukhuluma.
- Qamba ikhefu, bese uligcina.
- Vuma ukuthukuthela, ngaphandle kwe-'kodwa'.
Kukhona uhlobo oluthile lokuthula olufika emva kokuqhuma kwakho. Igumbi lithule cwaka. Omunye umuntu useqaphile, noma usehambile. Wena umi lapho uphinda emqondweni imizuzwana engamashumi ayisithupha edlule, uzibuza ukuthi umbono ongafanele ngezitsha waphenduka kanjani ukuthi uphakamise izwi ngento, ngisho nakuwe, engasabonakali inkulu kangako.
Uma ulwazi lolo kuthula, awuyena umuntu omubi. Ungumuntu ohlelo lwakhe lwesexwayiso oluqhuma ngokushesha nangamandla, obese kufanele aphile encithakalweni oluyishiyayo. Leyo yinto engokoqobo, futhi iyasebenzeka. Hhayi ngokuba ngumuntu ozolile ngobusuku obubodwa, okungekho okwazi ukukwenza, kodwa ngokufunda ukuthi ulaka lwakho luyini ngempela nokuthola imizuzwana embalwa yendawo ngaphambi kokuba luvuthe.
Ulaka olusheshayo luyini ngempela
Ulaka ngokwalo lujwayelekile. Lusukela ekucasukeni okuncane luye ekufuthekeni okukhulu, futhi ngokwalo alulona inkinga. I-American Psychological Association ilichaza njengomuzwa ojwayelekile womuntu, ophelele ngenhliziyo eshaya ngokushesha, umfutho wegazi ophakeme, nokwanda kwamahomoni engcindezi. Wonke umuntu uyathukuthela. Umbuzo kubantu abanolaka olusheshayo ngowokuthi bahamba ngokushesha kangakanani besuka kokungelutho baye ekugxileni, nokuthi kubukeka kudinga okuncane kangakanani.
Nakhu okwenzeka ngaphansi. Ekujuleni kobuchopho bakho kuhlala isakhiwo esincane esibizwa nge-amygdala, i-Cleveland Clinic eyichaza njengesexwayiso sakho sangaphakathi. Umsebenzi waso ukuskena ukuthola ingozi bese sisabela ngaphambi kokuba ubuchopho bakho obucabangayo buqede ukwakha umusho. Uma sinquma ukuthi kukhona okuyingozi, singathatha izintambo, sigcwalise umzimba wakho nge-adrenaline sithulise ingxenye yobuchopho bakho ehamba kancane, ehlakaniphile, engavamise ukuthi ake ume, hheyi, lokhu kuyizitsha nje. Abantu ngezinye izikhathi bakubiza ngokuthumba kwe-amygdala. Yiso isizathu sokuthi ukusabela kungazwakala kokubili kuzenzakalela ngokuphelele futhi, emva kwemizuzu embalwa, kungalingani ngokuphelele.
Ulaka olusheshayo ngokuvamile lusho ukuthi leso sexwayiso silungiselelwe ukuqhuma kalula. Lokho kungavela esimilweni, ekukhathaleni, engcindezini engapheli, emlandweni lapho ukuhlala uqaphile kwake kwakugcina uphephile. Akukho kokho okukwenza wonakale. Kukwenza ube ngumuntu ohlelo lwakhe oludinga usizo oluncane olwengeziwe lokuhamba kancane ngaphambi kokuba lusabele.
Ithuba lincane kunalokho okucabangayo
Iqiniso elinzima ngokusabela ngokweqile ukuthi ngesikhathi usuqaphela ukuthi uthukuthele, uvame ukuba usudlulile endaweni lapho umqondo ohlelekile usiza khona. Uma usugxilile, ingxenye ehamba kancane yobuchopho bakho ivaliwe. Ukutshela umuntu ogxilile ukuba abe nengqondo kufana nokucela umuntu ukuba afunde imephu ngesikhathi kukhala isexwayiso somlilo.
Yingakho umsebenzi wangempela wenzeka kusenesikhathi, emzimbeni. Usosayensi wengqondo uJohn Gottman, owachitha amashumi eminyaka efunda ukuthi izithandani zilwa kanjani, wathola ukuthi ukugxila kungokomzimba. Uma ukhungathekile engxabanweni, inhliziyo yakho iyashesha nomzimba wakho uyaziqinisa, futhi kuthatha isikhathi sangempela ukuba lokho kuphume. UGottman ukhomba ukuthi ikhemistri yengcindezi engemuva kwakho idinga cishe imizuzu engamashumi amabili noma ngaphezulu ukuba isuke ohlelweni lwakho. Lokho akusona isimo sengqondo. Yikhemistri, futhi awukwazi ukuyiphikisa isheshe iphume.
Ngakho ikhono eliyusizo kakhulu akukhona impendulo engcono. Kungukubamba uphawu lokuqala nokuzithengela leso sikhathi.
Lubambe emzimbeni kuqala
Ulaka lwakho cishe njalo luvela emzimbeni wakho umzuzwana ngaphambi kokuvela emlonyeni wakho. Funda inguqulo yakho yesexwayiso. Kubantu abaningi kuyinhlanganisela ethile:
- umhlathi oqinayo noma ubuso obushisayo
- isifuba esiqinayo, ukuphefumula okungajulile nokusheshayo
- ukukhuphuka kwezinga lezwi, noma isifiso sokungenela
- lowo muzwa omncane wokubona okumfushane, lapho ngokuzumayo ubona kuphela okungalungile
Lezo aziona izimpawu zokuthi usuzonqoba impikiswano. Yizimpawu zokuthi isexwayiso sakho siqhumile. Zithathe njengesibani sedeshibhodi. Ngomzuzu obona esisodwa, uthole ithuba lodwa langempela olitholayo.
Ukuthi ngempela wenzeni ngaso leso sikhathi
1. Zibizele wena ngokwakho
Inothi elithulile langaphakathi liyasebenza: "Ngiyagxila." Ukumane ukubize kudonsela igazi elincane libuyele ebuchosheni bakho obucabangayo futhi kwephule ukuzenzakalela.
2. Yehlisa ukuphefumula okuphumayo
Awukwazi ukucabanga uze uzole, kodwa ungakwazi ukuphefumula wehle igxathu. Ukuphefumula okumbalwa okuhamba kancane ngokuphefumulela phandle okude, okungasheshi kutshela umzimba wakho ukuthi ingozi iyadlula. I-APA ibala ukuphefumula okujulile njengenye yezindlela ezithembeke kakhulu zokwehlisa amandla olaka.
3. Thatha ikhefu langempela, ngendlela efanele
Uma uzizwa udlulela ngale komngcele, suka. Iqhinga lisendleleni oyenza ngayo. Ungahambi ngolaka, futhi unganyamalali ngaphandle kwezwi, ngoba komunye umuntu lokho kufika njengesijeziso. Sho okuthile kuqala: "Ngicasukile kakhulu ukuba ngikwenze kahle lokhu njengamanje. Ngidinga imizuzu engamashumi amabili, bese ngifuna ukubuyela kukho." Bese uhamba ngempela. Hamba, uchele amanzi ebusweni bakho, wenze okuthile okungekhona ukuzilolongela icala lakho. UGottman ukubiza lokhu ngokuzithobisa ngokomzimba, futhi imizuzu engamashumi amabili ibalulekile ngoba yileso sikhathi cishe umzimba wakho osidingayo ukuze uzole.
4. Buya uzame futhi
Uma usuzolile, sho into obuyiqonda ngempela, ngendlela obufisa ukuba uyishilo ngayo. Ngokuzola kakhulu, ngokuhamba kancane, ngesidingo sakho kunokwehluleka kwabo.
Ukulungisa yingxenye ebalulekile
Nayi into ekhulula kakhulu kukho konke lokhu. Uzobe usasabela ngokweqile ngezinye izikhathi. Ngisho nabantu abasebenza kulokhu iminyaka basathukuthela. Okwehlukanisa ubuhlobo obusinda engxabanweni kobonakala kancane akukhona ukuthi ukwahlukana kuyenzeka yini. Kungukuthi ngabe kuyalungiswa yini.
Ucwaningo lukaGottman luthole ukuthi okuvikela ubuhlobo umzamo wokulungisa, noma yisiphi isenzo esigcina umzuzu omubi ungajikeleli phansi, kanye nokuzimisela ukwamukela owodwa uma unikezwa. Emva kokusabela ngokweqile, ukulungisa ngokuvamile kungenye inguqulo yokuvuma ngobuqotho. Hhayi ukuxolisa okusabalele okuyimfihlo mayelana nokuzizwa ungcono. Okuthile okucacile:
"Ngikuthukuthelele futhi lokho bekungalungile. Ubungakufanele lokho. Ngiyaxolisa."
Akukho "kodwa." Akukho ukuchaza ukuthi kungani bekwenzile ukwenze. Ukulungisa kufika uma kumayelana nokuziphatha kwakho, kuphelele. Ungakhuluma ngenkinga yasekuqaleni kamuva, uma umoya usucacile. Abantu bayaxolela ngokumangalisayo umuntu ovuma ukusabela kwakhe ngokweqile, futhi bakhathala ngokumangalisayo ngumuntu ongalokothi enze kanjalo.
Uma lokhu kuyiphethini, kufanele ukuqambe obala nabantu abaseduze nawe uma izinto zizolile. Ukutshela umlingani wakho noma ingane yakho, "Ngisebenza ngokusabela kwami, futhi uma ngithatha ikhefu kwenzelwa ukuthi ngingasho into engizoyisola," kuguqula ulaka lwakho lusuke entweni eyenzeka kubo lube yinto oyisingatha ndawonye.
Uma ukusebenza kukho kunganele
Kukhona umgqa okufanele ube qotho ngawo. Uma ulaka lwakho lukubize umsebenzi, lwethusa umuntu omthandayo, lwaholela entweni ethile ephathelene nokushaya, noma uma uqhubeka uzethembisa ukuthi uzokwenza kangcono kodwa uqhubeka ufika encithakalweni efanayo, lokho kungale kwalokho okungasingathwa ukuzivocavoca ngokuphefumula. Lokho akubona ubuthakathaka, futhi ukufinyelela usizo akukhona ukuvuma ukwehlulwa. I-APA iphawula ukuthi abantu abanezinkinga ezinkulu zolaka bangenza inqubekela phambili yangempela nochwepheshe, ngokuvamile emasontweni ambalwa.
Udokotela noma udokotela wengqondo angahlola nezinto ezikhuphula ngokuthulile ukushisa ngaphansi kolaka lwakho, ubuthongo obonakele, ukukhathazeka noma ukucindezeleka okungelashwa, umonakalo womqondo, ukusha kancane kwengcindezi engapheli. Ngezinye izikhathi ulaka luyadamba kakhulu uma into eluphakelayo isiqanjiwe.
Ukufuna ukuyeka ukulimaza abantu obakhathalelayo kuwumuzwa omuhle. Yiso sonke isizathu sokuthi wazizwa ugulisa kulelo gumbi elithule. Themba lowo muzwa, bese uzinika okuthile okungcono ozokwenza ngawo kunokuzisola. Ngesikhathi esilandelayo isexwayiso siqhuma, uzoba nemizuzwana embalwa obungenayo ngaphambili. Ngezinye izikhathi imizuzwana embalwa iyikho konke.
Imithombo
- American Psychological Association, Control anger before it controls you
- Cleveland Clinic, Amygdala
- The Gottman Institute, Physiological Self-Soothing
- The Gottman Institute, How Well Do You Repair Your Relationship?