Amathiphu asheshayo
- Qamba iphethini lakho ngaphambi kwelabo.
- Beka ifoni phansi ulalele ngempela.
- Wabelana ngento eyiqiniso, bese ubuka indlela abayibamba ngayo.
Ndawana thize ngesikhathi sesithathu noma sesine sokuqomisana, esikhathini esidlule kuvame ukungena kuhlale etafuleni. Mhlawumbe kuyindaba ngothandana naye kudala ephuma icije kancane kakhulu. Mhlawumbe kuyindlela omunye wenu athula ngayo emva kwengxabano, noma athumela imilayezo emithathu lapho owodwa ubungakwenza. Wazana nomuntu ophelele, okusho ukuthi wazana nakho konke okwenzeka kuye ngaphambi kokuba ufike.
Lokho kungazwakala njengenkinga. Imvamisa akunjalo. Umbono wokuthola umuntu ongenazibazi, ongenamikhuba yokuzivikela, ongenazahluko eziyinkimbinkimbi, uyiphupho elithi ngokuvamile lelabantu abangakayiphili kakhulu impilo. Abantu abadala bangempela beza nomlando. Umbuzo ofanele ukubuzwa akusona ukuthi umthwalo wakho ukhona yini. Kuwukuthi nina nobabili ningafunda yini ukuwuthwala ngaphandle kokuwuwisela komunye nomunye.
Umthwalo empeleni uvelaphi
Okuningi esikubiza ngokuthi umthwalo empeleni kuwukufunda nje. Uhlelo lwakho lwezinzwa lwanaka kakhulu ubudlelwano bakho bokuqala futhi lwenza iziphetho ngokuthi abantu baphephile yini, ukusondelana kukhululekile yini, ukuthi ungathembela yini emuntwini ukuthi asale. Izazi zengqondo zibiza lawa maphethini ngezitayela zokunamathela, futhi avame ukuwela ezimeni ezimbalwa ezingahleliwe: okuvikelekile, lapho ukusondelana kuzwakala kulungile impela; okukhathazekile, lapho wesaba ukushiywa ufuna ukuqinisekiswa; nokugwema, lapho ubudlelwano obusondelene buzwakala njengento okumele uyigcine kude. I-Cleveland Clinic ichaza lokhu njengokwakheka kusenesikhathi, ngokwengxenye ngendlela abanakekeli bethu bokuqala abasabela ngayo kithi.
Kodwa indaba ayipheli ebuntwaneni. Ubudlelwano bakamuva nabo buyalibhala kabusha ifayela. Ukukhashelwa kungaphendula umuntu obekade evikelekile abe nokungabaza. Isikhathi eside sokunakekelwa ngempela singathambisa umuntu owafunda ukulindela okubi kunakho konke. Ngokobufakazi bocwaningo olukhulu lwakamuva ku-Scientific American, amaphethini okunamathela ayaguquka, futhi njengoba omunye umcwaningi ekusho, "Impela awuqalekisiwe."
Lokho kubalulekile ngezizathu ezimbili. Okokuqala, imizuzu yenkosikazi noma indoda yakho ehlabayo noma eqhelile noma enamathelayo imvamisa ayimayelana nawe. Kungumkhosi omdala okhalayo. Okwesibili, njengoba lawa maphethini engashintsha, awuvumeli ukuphatha umonakalo waphakade womuntu. Uhlangana naye maphakathi nendaba.
Qamba okwakho kuqala
Kuyalinga ukuba uchwepheshe ezinkingeni zenkosikazi noma zendoda yakho. Kumelane nakho. Into ewusizo kunazo zonke ongayenza ekuqaleni ukuthembeka ngamaphethini akho, ngoba yiwo wodwa ongenza okuthile ngawo ngempela.
Imibuzo embalwa efanele ukuhlala nayo:
- Uma uzizwa ungavikelekile kulokhu, ubamba ini? Ukuthumela imilayezo eminingi, ukuhlehla, ukubanga ingxabano, ukuba qandayo?
- Kuyini ukwesaba okungaphansi kwaleso senzo? Ukushiywa? Ukulawulwa? Ukubonwa njengokweqile?
- Yikuphi kulokhu kusabela okungokwalo muntu, yikuphi okuwukubuya kwento evela komunye umuntu?
Awudingi ukuba nezimpendulo ezicacile. Ukuqaphela nje iphethini njengoba lenzeka, ngisho nangemva kwesehlakalo, kukunika isikhala esincane sokukhetha okuthile okuhlukile ngokulandelayo. Ukuqwashisa kuyisiqalo sonke. Awukwazi ukushintsha isenzo esizenzakalelayo ongasiboni.
Ukwethembana kwakhelwa ezintweni ezincane
Uma abantu bekhathazeka ngobudlelwano obusha, bavame ukucabanga izivivinyo ezinkulu. Ukukhashelwa okukhulu, ukuvezwa okumangazayo. Empeleni, ukwethembana kwakhiwa futhi kuphuke ngemizuzu emincane kangangokuthi cishe ngeke uyiqaphele ekurekhodweni.
Isazi sengqondo u-John Gottman wachitha amashumi eminyaka ebuka izithandani elabhorethri, futhi okunye kwalokho akutholayo okucace kakhulu kumayelana nalokho akubiza ngokuthi izicelo zokuxhumana. Isicelo sincane: ukububula, umbuzo, isandla ehlombe, elithi "heyi, bheka lokhu." Okubalulekile ukuthi omunye umuntu uyaphendukela kuso yini noma uyasixwaya. Ocwaningweni lwakhe, izithandani ebezisahleli ndawonye ngenjabulo eminyakeni kamuva zaziphendukele ezicelweni zomunye nomunye cishe amaphesenti angu-86 wesikhathi. Izithandani ezahlukana zazikwazi ukwenza lokho cishe ingxenye eyodwa kwezintathu yesikhathi kuphela.
Lokho kududuza ngokungajwayelekile uma nobabili nithwele umlando. Kusho ukuthi awuzelaphi amanxeba amadala ngengxoxo eyodwa ephelele. Wakha ukuphepha emakhulwini emizuzu ejwayelekile lapho nomunye nomunye enu evela, enaka, futhi ephendula. Izinto ezincane yizona zinto zangempela.
Ukuphendukela kubukeka kanjani
- Uphawula into ebiseyingqondweni yakhe. Ubeka ifoni phansi ulalele ngempela, ngisho noma kungeyona into enkulu.
- Ucasukile futhi umfushane. Kamuva, uyabuyela: "Lokho bekungemayelana nawe. Bekuwusuku olude."
- Ukutshela into enzima ngesikhathi sakhe esidlule. Awugxumeli noma ulungise. Uhlala nje.
- Usho lokho okudingayo ngokusobala, esikhundleni sokuthemba ukuthi bazoqagela bese ubazonda uma bengaqageli.
Akukho kulokho okumangazayo. Kuqoqelwe ndawonye emasontweni, yiyo indlela abantu ababili abaqaphelayo abanquma ngayo kancane ukuthi omunye uphephile.
Ukuvuleleka, ngemithamo enakekelayo
Akukho kusondelana ngaphandle kwengcuphe ethile. Awukwazi ukwaziwa ngempela ngumuntu ugcina yonke into ethambile ifihliwe. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, ukuthululela umlando wakho wonke emuntwini omazi amasonto amathathu akukhona ukusondelana, kuwuhlobo lwengcindezi.
Inguqulo enempilo eyakancane. Wabelana ngento eyiqiniso kancane bese ubuka ukuthi bayiphatha kanjani. Bayathamba, noma baba ngabangajwayelekile? Bayayigcina, noma bayisebenzisa kamuva njengesibhamu? Njengoba i-Psych Central iphawula, ukuzivula kuvame ukumema omunye umuntu ukuthi naye azivule, okuyindlela ukwethembana okujula ngayo ezinhlangothini zombili. Ukhipha kancane, bayakuhlangabeza, ukhipha kancane okwengeziwe.
Kucabange njengochungechunge lwezivivinyo ezincane kunokuvuma okukodwa okukhulu. Zenzele isivinini ngokwethembana enikuzuze ndawonye ngempela, hhayi ukwethembana ofisa ukuthi ngabe unako kakade.
Uma isikhathi esidlule siqala ukubusa
Omunye umlando usinda kunalokho umlingani omuhle nemikhuba emihle abangakuthwala. Lokho akukhona ukwehluleka, futhi akusona isinqumo ngobudlelwano. Kuwulwazi nje.
Kungaba isikhathi sokungenisa usizo uma uqaphela izinto ezifana nalezi:
- Ingxabano ebuhlungu efanayo iyaqhubeka yenzeka, futhi akekho kini okwazi ukuthola umnyango wokuphuma.
- Omunye wenu uphila kabusha ukukhashelwa okudala ngokusobala kangangokuthi umlingani wamanje angeke akwazi ukulalelwa ngokungakhethi.
- Umona, ukuhlola, noma ukuziphatha kokulawula kuyanwabuzela, kusuka kunoma yiluphi uhlangothi.
- Uzithola uncipha, uhamba ngokuqaphela, noma wesaba ukusho lokho okuzwayo ngempela.
- Ubudlelwano bangaphambili bushiye uphawu oluvela njengovalo, ukuqanda, noma ukwesaba okungadambi.
Umeluleki omuhle wezithandani angakusiza nobabili ukubona iphethini enibambeke kulo nizijwayeze elihlukile. Ukwelulekwa komuntu ngamunye kungakusiza usebenze engxenyeni owafika nayo. Futhi uma noma yibuphi ubudlelwano bukwenza uzizwe ungaphephile, lowo akuwona umthwalo eningawusebenza ndawonye. Kuyisizathu sokukhuluma nomuntu omethembayo noma nochwepheshe ngokuphuma.
Ukufinyelela usizo akusona isibonakaliso sokuthi ubudlelwano buphukile. Ngokuvamile kuyisibonakaliso sokuthi nobabili nibubheka ngokungako ukuze nifise ukuthi buhlale isikhathi eside.
Abantu ababili abanomlando bangakwakha ngempela into ezinzile. Hhayi ngokususa isikhathi esidlule, futhi hhayi ngokwenza sengathi asikho egumbini, kodwa ngokuthembeka ngalokho ngamunye wenu akuthwelayo nokufunda, emizuzwini eyikhulu emincane, ukuba nobumnene ngakho. Lokho akulona uhlobo oluphansi lothando. Kithi abaningi, kuwukuphela kohlobo olukhona.
Imithombo
- Cleveland Clinic, Attachment Styles: Causes, What They Mean
- Scientific American, How Childhood Relationships Affect Your Adult Attachment Style, according to Large New Study
- The Gottman Institute, An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust
- Psych Central, Vulnerability in Relationships: Benefits and Tips