Amafulegi Aluhlaza: Ukuthi Ubudlelwane Obunempilo Bubukeka Kanjani Ekuqaleni

Iningi lezeluleko ngothando olusha luwuhlu lwezexwayiso. Qaphela ukuchichima kothando. Xwaya umuntu ongeke achaze izinto. Baleka uma benganahlonipho kuweta. Konke lokho kuwusizo, futhi siyakuqonda. Kodwa kunegebe eliyinqaba kukho. Uma ufunda kuphela ukuthi ingozi izwakala kanjani, ungagcina wehlisa izinga obheka ngalo umuntu, ukhululeke ngokuthi othile akanalunya, ubize lokho ngokufaneleka. Ukungabikho kwesexwayiso akufani nokuba khona kwento enhle.

Ngakho ake sikuguqule. Yiziphi izimpawu zokuqala zokuthi umuntu uphephile ngempela ukuqhubeka usondelana naye? Hhayi ophelele. Hhayi umlingani womphefumulo wakho ngesonto lesithathu. Nje umuntu ukuziphatha kwakhe, kaninginingi, okukhomba ubudlelwane obungathwala isisindo ngempela.

Lezi ngezinye izikhathi zibizwa ngamafulegi aluhlaza, futhi zivame ukuthula kakhulu kunabomvu. Ifulegi elibomvu liyakuqhweba. Ifulegi eliluhlaza ucishe ulinganaki, ngoba nje umuntu othembekile futhi onomusa ngendlela evumela amahlombe akho ehle.

Ukuthi kungani izimpawu ezinhle zinzima ukuzibona

Kunesizathu sokuthi amafulegi abomvu asibambe kanti aluhlaza ashelele adlule. Ubuchopho bakho bakhelwe ukuqaphela ingozi. Izwi eliphakeme, isithembiso esephukile, ukubaneka kokwedelela, lokhu kukhanyisa uhlelo lwakho lwezinzwa ngoba, ndawana thile emumva emlandweni wethu, ukukuphuthelwa kwakuyingozi. Ukuzinza akuvusi leso sexwayiso. Kwenza okuphambene. Kuyasithulisa. Futhi izinto ezisithulisayo kulula ukuzithatha kalula.

Esinye isizathu ukuthi abaningi bethu bafunda ukudida amandla nokuxhumana. Uma ubudlelwane bokuqala bubuthule, sasikhathazeka ukuthi kwakusho ukuthi asizizwa ngokwanele. Ngakho sasithatha inguqulo enodrama, uhlobo oluya phezulu naphansi, sifunde isiyaluyalu njengoshoshozela. Ukuzola kungazwakala kudinisa uma isisekelo sakho siyisiyaluyalu. Akudinisi. Kuyisisekelo ubudlelwane bangempela obumela phezu kwaso.

Kukhona nenguqulo ejulile yalokhu futhi. Lokho okuzwakala kujwayelekile kithi othandweni ngokuvamile yilokho esakhulela phakathi kwakho. Uma ukusondelana owakwazi ekuqaleni kwempilo kwakungabikezeleki, khona-ke ukungabikezeleki kungazwakala njengekhaya, futhi ukuzinza kungazwakala kuyize ngokuxaka noma ngisho kungathembeki. Akukho kulokho okuyisici sesimilo. Kusho nje ukuthi izimpawu osebenza nazo kungenzeka zingahambisani kancane, nokuthi into ezolile, enomusa ephambi kwakho ingaba ilungile kanye ngisho noma ingaphembi imisebe endala ejwayelekile.

Uma uchithe iminyaka uskena into elandelayo embi, ukufunda ukubona izinto ezinhle kuyikhono lakho. Kufanele ukwakha.

Amafulegi aluhlaza ansuku zonke

Nakhu abantu abakuphutha: izimpawu ezibaluleke kakhulu azizinkulu. Azisona isikhathi sokuvakashelana esibubushayo noma inkulumo enkulu yokuthi wehlukile kanjani kubo bonke. Ezithembekile zincane futhi ziyaphindeka. Ezimbalwa ezifanele ukuqaphelwa ekuqaleni.

Bangumuntu ofanayo ezinsukwini ezihlukene

Qaphela ukuzinza. Indlela abakuphatha ngayo ngosuku oluhle ibukeka ifana kakhulu nendlela abakuphatha ngayo ngosuku lokukhathala, lokucindezeleka, olujwayelekile. Bafudumele ngoMsombuluko futhi basafudumele ngoLwesine. Awuzitholi uzilungiselela ukubona ukuthi iyiphi inguqulo evelile. Lokho kubikezeleka akubona ubunsundu. Kuyinto ithemba elakhiwe ngayo ngempela. I-American Psychological Association nochwepheshe abasebenza nezithandani babuyela ohlwini olufushane olufanayo lapho bechaza ubudlelwane obunempilo, futhi ukuthembeka kuhlala phakathi nendawo kwakho.

Baphendukela kuwe ngezikhathi ezincane

Lokhu kusekelwe ngolunye ucwaningo olumangalisa kakhulu kulo mkhakha. Amashumi eminyaka, usosayensi wengqondo uJohn Gottman wabukela izithandani zangempela elebhu yakhe walandelela into ayibiza ngokuthi i-bid, umzamo omncane wokuxhumana. Ukuphawula ngenyoni ephandle kwewindi. Ividiyo ehlekisayo ephakanyiselwa ngaphesheya kwesofa. Okuthule "hheyi, bheka lokhu." Akukho okunodrama. Nje umuntu ozamayo, ngendlela encane, komunye.

Lokho akuthola ukuthi ucishe ukwazi ukubikezela ikusasa lobudlelwane ngokuthi umuntu ngamunye uphendukela kangaki kulezo zicelo esikhundleni sokuzidlula. Ocwaningweni lwakhe, izithandani ezazisandawonye ngemva kweminyaka zaziphendukela ezicelweni ezincane zomunye cishe amaphesenti angama-86 esikhathi. Izithandani ezahlukana zaziyenza cishe ingxenye eyodwa kwezintathu yesikhathi. Umehluko phakathi kwezimbili wawungezona izingxabano ezinkulu. Kwakuyimizuzu eyikhulu ethule ngosuku lapho umuntu oyedwa ezama futhi omunye eqaphela noma engaqapheli.

Ngakho ekujoleni kwasekuqaleni, naka izinto ezincane. Uma ukhanya ngokuthile, bayasondela yini? Uma ukhuluma ngento onovalo ngayo, bayakhumbula yini ukubuza kamuva? Umuntu ophendukela kuwe ngezikhathi ezingezinzima ukukhombisa lokho azokwenza kwezinzima.

Impilo yakho iya iba nkulu, hhayi encane

Uphawu oluhle lokuqala ukuthi usenayo impilo yakho. Ubona abangani bakho. Ugcina izinqubo zakho, izinto ozithandayo, amagumbi akho angahlangene nabo. Umlingani onempilo ujabula ngalokho. Bafuna ukwazi ngabantu bakho. Abadini uma wenza amacebo ngaphandle kwabo noma bencintisane ngokuthule nezinto ozithandayo. Izinsiza ezinjengesiqondiso saseNew York State ngobudlelwane obunempilo zibeka isisindo sangempela kulokhu: abalingani bahlonipha ukuzimela komunye nomunye futhi bangathatha izinqumo zabo ngaphandle kokwesaba. Uma ubudlelwane obusha bunciphisa umhlaba wakho njalo esikhundleni sokuwubanzisa, lokho kufanele ukuqashelwa, ngisho noma kwembathiswe njengokuzinikela.

Ukungavumelani akuzwakali njengengozi

Azikho izithandani ezivumelana ngayo yonke into, futhi ukungabikho kokungqubuzana ekuqaleni akulona ifulegi eliluhlaza, kusho nje ukuthi anikashayisani nento yangempela. Ifulegi okumele uliqaphele yilokho okwenzeka ngokokuqala uma senishayisana. Ungakwazi yini ukusho "lokho kuwe imizwa yami" bese bekuzwa ngempela esikhundleni sokuzivikela noma ukuqanda? Ukwehlukana okuncane kuyalungiswa yini, ngokuthi ngeqiniso "uqinisile, ngiyaxolisa," kunokushiywa kubole? Ukuphepha ebudlelwaneni akukhona ukungabikho kokushayisana. Kuwukwazi ukuthi lapho ukushayisana kufika, nobabili nizothola indlela yenu yokubuyela.

Bakwenzela indawo wena wangempela

Qaphela ukuthi ungaba neqiniso yini. Ungasho yini ukuthi ukhathele, noma ukuthi awufuni ukuphuma namuhla ebusuku, noma ukuthi into abayishilo ifike kabi, ngaphandle kokulawula ukusabela kwabo? Ungabavumela yini babone inguqulo yakho engapholishiwe kangako bese ubabukela behlala? Uthando lwasekuqaleni luvame ukusebenza phezu komdlalo, nina nobabili nikuziphatha okuhle kakhulu. Ifulegi eliluhlaza yilowo mzuzu lapho umdlalo ungakhululeka kancane futhi ukuxhumana kubambelela noma kunjalo.

Umzamo uhamba ngakuzo zombili

Ekuqaleni, kulula ukuba nguwena owenza umsebenzi, ohlela izikhathi zokuvakashelana, oqala imilayezo, othwala ingxoxo, bese ubiza lokho ngokuba umlingani omuhle. Kunalokho qaphela ukuthi bayakuhlangabeza yini. Bayahlela yini izinto nabo, noma nguwena owenza konke ukuqondisa? Uma ufinyelela, bayafinyelela yini emumva ngokufudumala okufanayo, noma uhlala uzizwa usesinyathelweni esiyisigamu phambili, unethemba? I-Cleveland Clinic, uma ibala izimpawu zobudlelwane obunempilo, iqhubeka ibuyela ekutshalweni okuhlangene: bobabili bebeka ubudlelwane phambili, bobabili befaka. Ukuxhumana lapho umuntu oyedwa exosha kanti omunye ekuvumela akulingani, ngisho noma lowo ovumelayo emuhle ngokuphelele. Akufanele udingeke ukuvivinya intshisekelo yomuntu. Ekufaneleni okuhle, ukufuna kuhlangene futhi ungakuzwa.

"Cha" ufika kahle

Lokhu kukutshela cishe konke. Yisho ucha kokuthile okuncane ekuqaleni, isiphuzo sesibili, ukulala ndawonye, impelasonto esibhukiwe kakade, bese ubheka okwenzekayo. Umuntu okulungele wamukela ucha ngaphandle kwempi. Akukho ukuhambisa umuzwa wecala, akukho ukuvungama, akukho umkhankaso ohamba kancane wokukudikibalisa. Ubudlelwane obunempilo buphatha imvume njengento enikeziwe eqhubeka ihlolwa, hhayi isithiyo esidluliswa kanye. Isiqondiso saseNew York State siqamba imvume njengesinye sezisekelo zobudlelwane obunempilo, eduze kwethemba nokuxhumana, futhi lokho akumayelana nemigqa yomzimba kuphela. Kumayelana nesivinini, isikhathi, imali, ukuthi izinto zihamba ngokushesha kangakanani. Umuntu ohlonipha umkhawulo omncane manje ukukhombisa ukuthi uzohlonipha omkhulu kamuva. Umuntu ophatha ucha lwakho njengenkinga okumele ixazululwe naye ukutshela okuthile.

Ukuhlola kwesisu okusebenza ngempela

Uma izinhlu zihlangana zifiphale, nasi ivivinyo elilula. Qaphela ukuthi uzizwa kanjani emzimbeni wakho eduze kwalo muntu emasontweni ambalwa.

Nomuntu okulungele, uhlelo lwakho lwezinzwa luvame ukuzinza. Ulala kahle. Awuvuseleli imilayezo yabo unefindo esiswini sakho. Uzizwa ungowakho ngokwengeziwe, hhayi kancane. Uzolile enye impilo yakho, hhayi uphithizela ngokwengeziwe. Lowo muzwa wokuzinza uyidatha yangempela. Umzimba wakho ugcina isikolo sokuthi uphephile yini kudala ngaphambi kokuba ingqondo yakho ibe namagama.

Okuphambene nakho kufanele kuthathwe ngokungathi sina. Uma, emasontweni angene, ukhathazeka ngokwengeziwe kunokuba usekhululekile, uhamba phezu kwamaqanda, uzenza mncane ukugcina uxolo, lokho kubalulekile ngisho noma ungakwazi ukukhomba into eyodwa enodrama abayenzile. Ubudlelwane obulungele wena kufanele ikakhulu buzwakale njengempumuzo, hhayi njengokuhlolwa ohlala usengcupheni yokwehluleka kukho.

Isexwayiso esisodwa esinobulungiswa. Uma uphila nokukhathazeka, uhlelo lwakho lwesexwayiso lungakhala kabi, lufunde ukuzola njengokudinisa noma luphawule abantu abaphephile njengezingozi. Futhi uma wake walimala ngaphambili, ukusondelana okujwayelekile kungazwakala kuyethusa kanye ngoba kungajwayelekile. Ngakho ukuhlola komzimba kuyisiboniso, hhayi isigwebo. Kusebenzise kanye nalokho okubona umuntu ekwenza ngempela, ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.

Bathathe kalula, kodwa uqaphele

Imikhawulo embalwa eqotho kukho konke lokhu. Amafulegi aluhlaza ekuqaleni aluphawu oluhle, hhayi isiqiniseko. Abantu bangathembeka izinyanga ezimbili bese beshintsha. Ubuhle bungalingisa umusa isikhashana. Ngakho kuphathe njengobufakazi obuvunyelwe ukuqhubeka bunqwabelana, hhayi isigwebo osivalela ekuvakashelaneni kwesine. Ithemba langempela lakhiwa kancane, ngokubukela lokho umuntu akwenzayo ezimeni ezanele ukukholelwa ukuthi ungubani.

Futhi amafulegi aluhlaza awawaqedi abomvu. Uma okuthile kukwethusa ngempela, uma kukhona ukulawula, ukwedelela, ingcindezi, noma iphethini eyenza uzizwe ungaphephile, ubuningi bobumnandi kwenye indawo abukwenzi lokho kulunge. Awukweleti muntu ukungabaza okuhle ngentengo yokuphepha kwakho.

Uma uthola ukuthi awukwazi neze ukwethemba izimpawu ezinhle, ukuthi ukuzola njalo kufundeka njengokusolisayo noma ukusondelana ngakunye kukwenza ubaleke, lokho akusona isici kuwe, futhi akuyona into okumele uyixazulule wedwa. Umeluleki omuhle angakusiza ukufunda ukuzizwa uphephile nabantu abaphephile, okunzima kunokuzwakala kwakho futhi kungenzeka nokwenzeka. Futhi uma uzama ukwazi umehluko phakathi kobudlelwane obunzima nje nobukulimazayo, sicela ukhulume nomuntu omethembayo noma uchwepheshe ongakubheka nawe. Ufanelwe ukuba nomuntu owenza impilo yakho izwakale inkulu namahlombe akho azwakale elula. Ukwazi ukuthi lokho kubukeka kanjani yindlela oqala ngayo ukukukhetha.

Imithombo

• Cleveland Clinic, 12 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship
• The Gottman Institute, Turning Toward Bids Creates Better Relationships
• New York State, What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?