Amathiphu asheshayo
- Yabelana ngento eyodwa encane, ubone ukuthi iphathwa kanjani.
- Buza: ingabe ukwesaba kukhomba kubo noma kokwedlule kwami.
- Gcina izithembiso ezincane kuwe kuqala.
Mhlawumbe kwakuwumlingani owaqamba amanga izinyanga. Mhlawumbe kwakungumuntu owahamba ngaphandle kwesixwayiso, noma ubudlelwano lapho umhlaba wawulokhu unyakaza ngaphansi kwakho. Noma kwenzeka kanjani, waphuma kukho nomkhuba omusha ozenzakalelayo: ukuqhaqhazela okuncane lapho umuntu esondela. Izwi elithi, bona, yilokhu okwenzekayo.
Futhi manje usuhlangane nomuntu, noma ucabanga ngokuzama, futhi lowo mkhuba unomsindo. Ufunda imilayezo yabo kabili. Ulinda inkinga efihlekile. Ingxenye yakho ifuna ukuvuleka kanti ingxenye yakho ime iqaphile emnyango, iqinisekile ukuthi ukuvumela noma ubani angene yiyo indlela owalimala ngayo isikhathi esedlule.
Lowo mqaphi akusona isici. Yingqondo yakho eyenza khona kanye lokho eyakhelwe ukukwenza emva kobuhlungu: ukukuvikela. Inkinga ukuthi umqaphi ongalokothi aphume emsebenzini uvimba okuhle kanye nokubi. Ukufunda ukwethemba futhi akumayelana nokuxosha umqaphi. Kumayelana nokuwufundisa umehluko phakathi kwengozi yangempela nokunanela okudala.
Kungani kuzwakala kunzima kangaka
Lapho umuntu owawuncike kuye ekukhaphela, ubuhlungu abusibona nje obemizwa. Umzimba wakho ubufaka esifundweni sengozi. Ngokulandelayo lapho noma yini ibukeka ifana ngisho kancane, umlingani omusha engacaci kancane, ifoni eshiywe ibhekise phansi, impendulo eyephuzayo, isexwayiso sakho siyadubula ngaphambi kokuba ubuchopho bakho obucabangayo bube nezwi. Uzwa ukugxuma kokwesaba kuqala bese uthola isizathu saso kwesesibili.
Yingakho ingxenye yakho ehlakaniphile, ekwaziyo ingazi ukuthi umuntu omusha unomusa kodwa isazizwa ilungele ukushayeka. Awenzi ihaba. Uphethe inxeba elingakavaleki ngokugcwele, futhi amanxeba abuhlungu uma ethintwa.
Kuyasiza ukuqamba ukuthi ukwethemba kuyini ngempela. Ukwethemba kuwukubheja obenza ngomuntu lapho ungakwazi ukuqiniseka. Ubanika ingcosana yakho, wazi ukuthi bangakudumaza, ngoba usubone okwanele ukukholelwa ukuthi cishe ngeke. Emva kokukhashelwa, lokho kubheja kuzwakala kuyihlanya, ngoba isikhathi esedlule walahlekelwa. Ngakho umsebenzi akusiwo ukuziphoqa ukuzizwa uqiniseka. Ukuqiniseka akutholakali kubantu, nanini. Umsebenzi ukuzizwa ukhululekile ukwenza ukubheja okuncane, okwahlulelwe kahle futhi, uqaphele lapho kukhokha.
Qala ngomuntu okumele uphile naye
Ngaphambi kokuba ukwazi ukwethemba umuntu omusha, kuyasiza ukwakha kabusha ukwethemba endleleni yakho yokufunda izinto. Ukukhashelwa kuvame ukukunyakazisa lokho kakhulu. Uqala ukubuza ukuthi wakugeja kanjani, ukuthi ukwahlulela kwakho kuphukile yini, ukuthi ungakukholelwa yini okuzwayo. Lokho kuzingabaza yingxenye ethule kunazo zonke yomonakalo, neyona ebaluleke kakhulu ukuyinakekela.
Isazi sengqondo se-Cleveland Clinic uRamone Ford ubeka isinyathelo sokuqala ngokusobala: yiba nozwelo ngawe. Walinyazwa yizinqumo zomunye umuntu, hhayi ubuwula bakho ngokukhathala. Abantu abaqamba amanga bahle ekukholelweni. Ukwethemba umuntu ovele engathembeki akusho ukuthi imizwa yakho yemvelo ayinamsebenzi. Kusho ukuthi umuntu owawunesizathu sokumethemba wephula izwi lakhe.
Izinto ezimbalwa zakha kabusha ukuzethemba ngokushesha kunanoma yini umlingani omusha angayenza:
- Gcina izithembiso ezincane kuwe. Yithi uzohamba uyozihambela, bese uhamba. Igama ngalinye eligciniwe yivoti elithulile lokuthi izwi lakho lisho okuthile.
- Yeka ukuphinda uphikisane ngendaba endala njalonjalo. Ukudlula ekukhashelweni izikhathi eziyikhulu kuzwakala njengokuqapha, kodwa ngale kwendawo ethile kumane kugcina inxeba livulekile. Qaphela ukudlala kabusha, bese ukubeka phansi kancane.
- Zivumele ukulizila ngempela. Walahlekelwa yinto yangempela, mhlawumbe ikusasa owawusulakhile uhhafu ekhanda lakho. Usizi akusiyo ubuthakathaka lapha. Kuyintengo yokuba wakhathala, futhi kudlula ngokushesha lapho ukuvumela ukuthi kudlule.
Indlela ukwethemba okwakhiwa kabusha ngayo nomuntu omusha
Nansi ingxenye eqinisekisayo. Ukwethemba akusona iswishi okumele uliphendule kanye kanye. Kwakhiwa ngendlela efanayo okwaphulwa ngayo, ezimizuzwini emincane ehlanganayo. Umehluko ukuthi nguwena obeka isivinini.
Uphawu olulodwa olukhulu kunazo zonke lokuthembeka akusona isithembiso esibanzi. Ukungaguquki. Ingabe lokho abakushoyo kuyahambisana nalokho abakwenzayo, kaninginingi, ezintweni ezijwayelekile ezingatheni? Umuntu angasho wonke amagama afanele odethini lwesibili. Lokho okubukayo ngempela, phezu kwamasonto nezinyanga, ukuthi izinto ezincane ziyabambelela yini. Bathumela umlayezo lapho bathe bazokwenza. Bakhumbula into oyishilo. Bayavela. Ukuthembeka okuyisicefe yiyo into yangempela okwakhiwa ngayo ukwethemba.
Ngakho vumela ukwethemba kuzuze indlela yakho yokungena ngamazinga.
- Yabelana ngokuthile okuncane ubone ukuthi benzani ngakho. Hhayi inxeba lakho elijulile kunawo wonke odethini lwesibili. Ucezu lwangempela kodwa oluncane lwakho, ukukhathazeka, umbono ongavamile ukuwusho. Buka ukuthi bawuphatha ngokunakekela yini.
- Qaphela indlela abasabela ngayo lapho usengozini kancane. Ingabe bayathamba, noma bashintsha isihloko, noma bakwenze mayelana nabo? Indlela umuntu aphatha ngayo izindawo zakho ezithambile ikutshela okuningi kunanoma yikuphi ukunconywa.
- Naka ukulungisa. Wonke umuntu uyakudumaza ekugcineni. Umbuzo obalulekile ukuthi kwenzekani okulandelayo. Ingabe bangezwa ukuthi bakulimazile ngaphandle kokuzivikela? Ingabe bayalungisa? Ukulungisa emva kokuqhekeka okuncane kungenye yezimpawu eziqinile kunazo zonke zomuntu ofanele ukwethenjwa.
- Vumela ubufakazi bunqwabelane ngaphambi kokuba ubeke okwengeziwe engozini. Njalo lapho bezibonakalisa bethembeka entweni encane, ungafaka okwengeziwe kancane engozini. Lokho akukhona ukubanda. Yikho ukwethemba okukhula ngendlela enempilo, esisekelweni esikhundleni sethemba.
Yilapha futhi lapho imingcele emihle yenza khona umsebenzi wayo othulile. Umngcele akusiyo udonga oluvimbela uthando. Ngumugqa okuvumela ukuthi uhlale uvulekile ngaphandle kokuzishiya. "Angikakulungeli ukuba ngithandane nawe wedwa okwamanje." "Ngingakhetha ukungakhulumi zonke izinsuku ekuqaleni." "Uma izinhlelo zishintsha ngomzuzu wokugcina, ngidinga isixwayiso." Umuntu ofanele ngeke ayibone imingcele yakho njengethuko. Uzoyibona njengemephu yendlela yokuphepha nawe.
Igama ngokuxolela
Abantu bazokutshela ukuthi kufanele uxolele umuntu owakulimaza ngaphambi kokuba uqhubeke. Leso seluleko siyadideka, ngakho kufanele sinembe.
Ukuxolela, njengoba abacwaningi bekuchaza, kuyisinqumo esenziwe ngamabomu sokudedela inzondo yakho nesifiso sokuziphindiselela. Kuyinto oyenzela ukuthula kwakho. Akusho ukuthi okwenziwa bekulungile. Akudingi ukuba ukhohlwe, ubuyisane, noma uvumele lowo muntu abuyele empilweni yakho. I-Greater Good Science Center e-University of California, Berkeley, idweba lowo mugqa ngokucacile: ukuxolela umuntu akukubophezeli ukuba umethembe futhi noma uqhubeke nobudlelwano. Ungamxolela ngokuphelele owayekade uthandana naye ungabe usakhuluma naye futhi.
Pho kungani ukhathazeka? Ngoba ukuthwala inzondo kunzima, futhi nguwena oyithwalayo. UFred Luskin wase-Stanford, ochithe amashumi eminyaka efunda lokhu, ubeka ukuxolela njengekhono elifundekayo, indlela yokumisa ubuhlungu obudala bungalawuli isikhathi sakho samanje. Ukudedela isikhalo kukhulula amandla obulokhu uwachitha ekuhlaleni uthukuthele, futhi ungawabeka empilweni nakubantu abaphambi kwakho manje.
Ukuxolela nakho kuthatha isikhathi, futhi kuvame ukuthi kwenziwe ngaphezu komunye umzuzu. Uzocabanga ukuthi usukudedele, bese ingoma noma indawo iyakubuyisa kubhonga, bese uyakudedela futhi. Lokho kujwayelekile. Akusona uphawu lokuthi wehlulekile. Kumane yindlela ukululama okuhamba ngayo ngempela, ngokuzungeza kunomugqa oqondile.
Ukwehlukanisa isixwayiso sangempela nokunanela okudala
Ingxenye enzima kunazo zonke yokujola emva kokukhashelwa ukuhlela ukwesaba kwakho kube yizinqwaba ezimbili. Enye inqwaba yisexwayiso sakho esisabela ekuziphatheni kwangempela komuntu omusha. Enye yisexwayiso sakho esisabela emuntwini wokugcina, sibhekiswe emuntwini ongakuzuzanga. Kokubili kuzwakala kufana kwangaphakathi. Kokubili kufika nokushaya kwegazi okugijimayo okufanayo nokuqiniseka okugulisayo okufanayo. Ukufunda ukukwehlukanisa yiwo umsebenzi omkhulu.
Isivivinyo esingahleliwe: isixwayiso sangempela sikhomba entweni abayenzile. Ukunanela okudala kukhomba entweni abakukhumbuza yona. Ukuthi "Wakhansela izikhathi ezintathu akaze asho ukuthi kungani" kuwulwazi ngaye. Ukuthi "Usephuzile manje sengiqiniseka ukuthi uyakhwabanisa" kuwumlando wakho okhulumayo, hhayi ukuziphatha kwakhe. Lapho ukwesaba kugxuma, zama ukubuza ukuthi yini, ngokuqondile, esanda kwenzeka, nokuthi ukusabela kwakho kuyakuhambisana yini noma kudlula phambili.
Akukho kwalokho okusho ukuthi kufanele ushaye indiva izimpawu ezibomvu zangempela egameni lokukhula. Themba isibindi sakho lapho umuntu enza ngobuqili, elawula, noma egwema, lapho izindaba zabo zingahambisani, lapho befudumele ngasese bebanda esidlangalaleni, lapho bekwenza uzizwe umncane ngokuba nezidingo. Lokho akusiyo ukunanela. Ukuqapha lapho kuwukuhlakanipha, futhi awukweleti muntu ithuba lokungangabazi abalishisa ngokusebenzayo.
Umgomo ukugcina isexwayiso sakho nokwenza sinembe. Vumela sikuxwayise ngalokho okungokwangempela. Ungasivumeli ukuba silahle omsulwa.
Hamba kancane, futhi vumela lokho kulunge
Awukho umzuzu okumele uwulandele kulokhu. UFord uphawula ukuthi lapho inxeba lijulile, kuthatha isikhathi eside, nokuthi awukwazi ukubeka umnqamulajuqu ekwakheni kabusha ukwethemba. Noma ubani okucindezela ukuthi ushesha, ukuthi "umane ukwedlule," ukuthi ufakazele ukwethemba kwakho ngohla lwabo lwesikhathi, ukutshela okuthile okunosizo ngaye.
Ukuhamba kancane akufani nokuhlala uvaliwe. Ungajola ngenkathi usalulama. Ungathanda umuntu usaqaphile. Ungehlisa umqaphi wakho ngobude obungangewintshi ngesikhathi bese uwubuyisa lapho udinga. Umgomo akusiwo ukugxumela emuva ekwethembeni okuyimpumputhe. Ukuhlala uvulekile ngokwanele ukuze umuntu ofanele abe nendlela yokungena, ngenkathi ugcina ukuqonda okukuvikela kolungafanele.
Futhi qaphela umehluko phakathi kokuqapha nekheji. Ukuqapha kusabela kulokho okuphambi kwakho ngempela: lo muntu, lokhu kuziphatha, leli sonto. Ikheji lijezisa wonke umuntu ngalokho okwenziwa ngumuntu oyedwa. Uma uzithola uvivinya umlingani onomusa ngamacala angawenzanga, ufunda icala kuwo wonke umzuzu ongathathi hlangothi, noma ungakwazi ukuvumela noma ubani asondele nhlobo akunandaba ukuthi baqinile kangakanani, lokho kufanele ukunakwa kancane. Hhayi ngoba ukwenza kabi, kodwa ngoba ufanelwe ukukhululeka kukho.
Ukuthi ungafinyelela nini osizweni olwengeziwe
Amanye amanxeba ajule kakhulu ukuthi ungawakhwela wedwa, futhi akukho hlazo kulokho. Uma ukukhashelwa owadlula kukho kusaphanga izinsuku zakho, uma ugcwaliswa yimicabango ephazamisayo noma ukwethuka lapho uzama ukusondela, uma uhlala ungezwa lutho futhi uvaliwe ukugwema ukulimala futhi, noma uma ukwesaba kukumise ngokuthula ukuxhumana nanoma ubani nhlobo, lezo yizizathu ezinhle zokukhuluma nomeluleki. Omuhle angakusiza ukwehlukanisa isexwayiso esidala engozini yangempela yamanje, usebenze phakathi kokushaqeka ngesivinini esizwakala siphephile, wakhe kabusha ukwethemba ngaphandle kokukusheshisa.
Uma ululama ekukhashelweni ngaphakathi kobudlelwano ofuna ukubugcina, ukwelulekwa kwemibhangqwana kungasiza abantu bobabili ukwenza umsebenzi wokulungisa ngendlela ehlelekile. I-American Psychological Association ikhomba ekwelulekweni okuhlanganisa ukuziphendulela okuqotho okuvela emuntwini owabangela umonakalo nokucubungula ngokucophelela, okuhamba ngesivinini, komuntu owalinyazwa. Ukwethemba kubuya ngokushesha ngomzamo oqhubekayo ezinhlangothini zombili kunalokho okuze kwenze ngokuxolisa kodwa.
Ukufinyelela usizo akusona uphawu lokuthi ubuthaka noma ukuthi ngeke uphinde wethembe. Yiyo indlela abantu abaningi abathola ngayo indlela yabo yokubuyela kukho. Wafunda, ngobuhlungu, ukuthi abantu bangakudumaza. Into efanele ukukhunjulwa ukuthi lokhu bekuyisahluko esisodwa saleso sifundo, hhayi incwadi yonke. Bakhona abantu ngaphandle abazogcina izwi labo, futhi uvunyelwe ukubathola, ngokucophelela, ngesikhathi sakho.
Imithombo
- Cleveland Clinic, How To Rebuild Trust in Any Relationship
- Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley, Forgiveness Definition: What Is Forgiveness
- Fred Luskin, The Choice to Forgive (Greater Good Magazine, UC Berkeley)
- American Psychological Association, Restoring Trust After Infidelity