Ukukhulisana Ingane Ngemva Kokuhlukana Noma Isahlukaniso

Ubudlelwano sebuphelile. Ukukhulisa ingane akukapheli.

Yileso simo esiyinqaba sako. Uziqedile izinto, mhlawumbe ngezizathu ezinhle, mhlawumbe ngemva kokuqhaqheka okude kancane, futhi manje umi phakathi kwencithakalo uphethe ikhalenda okumele ulabelane ngalo nomuntu oyedwa obuzama ukumbalekela. Izinsuku zokuzalwa. Ukulanda esikoleni. Ubani onomuthi wokukhwehlela. Ukuthi bavunyelwe yini ukubuka lolo hlelo. Ukuhlukana kumele kube ukuphela, futhi ngezindlela eziningi kunjalo. Kodwa unengane, ngakho kuphinde kube ukuqala kwenye into, ubudlelwano bomsebenzi obude, obujwayelekile, obuthatha amashumi eminyaka nomuntu ongasamthandi futhi ongenakumthanda nokumthanda.

Akekho okunika incwadi eqondisayo yalokho. Ngakho asikhulume ngokusobala ngako.

Into eyodwa ebaluleke kunazo zonke

Uma ungakhumbuli okunye lapha, khumbula lokhu. Ezinganeni eziningi, ukulimala okuhlala njalo kuvela engxabanweni ezungeze ukuhlukana kakhulu kunokuhlukana ngokwako.

Lokho kungenye yezinto ezitholakale ngokungaguquki kakhulu kuyo yonke le ndawo yocwaningo. I-American Psychological Association ikubeka ngqo, itshela abazali ukuthi bagcine ingxabano kude nezingane futhi iphawula ukuthi izingane eziningi ziyazivumelanisa kahle phakathi neminyaka emibili yesahlukaniso. Eziningi zenza kangcono ngemva kwalokho kunalokho ebezizokwenza phakathi komshado onengxabano ephezulu ongapheli. Kufunde futhi lokho uma udinga. Abazali ababili empini, ingane ibanjwe phakathi kwezinhlamvu, kwenza ukulimala kwangempela. Ukuhlukana ngokwako, uma kuphathwe ngokunakekela okuthile, kuyinto izingane eziningi ezidlula kuyo.

Ukubuyekezwa kujenali i-Frontiers in Psychology kuchaza ukuthi lokho kudubulana kuzwakala kanjani ohlangothini lwengane. Lapho izingane zivezwa emazingeni aphezulu engxabano phakathi kwabazali bazo, zigcina zizizwa zingakwazi ukusondela komunye umzali ngaphandle kokukhaphela omunye. Bakubiza ngokuthi ingxabano yokwethembeka. Cabanga uneminyaka eyisishiyagalombili uthanda abantu ababili abangakwazi ukuba ekamelweni elilodwa, uzwe ukuthi ukugona ngakunye okunika omunye wabo kuwukungathembeki okuncane komunye. Leso yisikhundla esingenakwenzeka. Izingane ezibhajwe kuso iminyaka zivame ukuthwala ingcindezi yangempela yengqondo ngisho neyomzimba ngenxa yako.

Ngakho inhloso yokukhulisana ingane akusikho ukuba abangane. Ningase nibe, ngelinye ilanga, noma ningabi, futhi kulungile lokho. Inhloso incane kakhulu futhi ifinyeleleka kakhulu. Yehlisa ingxabano ingane yakho okumele iphile ngaphakathi kuyo. Konke okunye kuyimininingwane.

Ingane yakho akuyona isithunywa, inhloli, noma unompempe

Kukhona iqoqo elithize lemikhuba elenza umonakalo omkhulu kunayo yonke, futhi iningi lethu lifinyelela okungenani komunye wayo ngaphandle kokuhlose, ikakhulukazi ekuqaleni lapho silimele futhi sithukuthele.

• Ukudlulisa imilayezo ngengane yakho. "Tshela uyihlo ukuthi usangikweleta ngohambo lwasekilasini." Kuzwakala kusebenza kahle. Enganeni yakho kuzwakala njengokucindezelwa phakathi kwabantu ababili abayithandayo. Isiqondiso se-Cleveland Clinic sicacile ngalokhu: phatha izinto nomunye umzali ngqo, hhayi ngengane.
• Ukucela ingane yakho ukuthi ibike ngenye indlu. Ubani obeze, badleni, ukuthi kukhona yini iqabane elisha. Ingane yakho ifunda ngokushesha ukuthi ulwazi luyingozi, futhi iqale ikuphathe esikhundleni sokuvele ibe yingane.
• Ukuhlambalaza omunye umzali lapho ingane yakho ingezwa khona. Ngisho nokububula, ithoni, nokuvungama "yebo nempela ukhohliwe." Izingane zikuzwa njengesitatimende ngengxenye yalokho eziyikho.

I-American Academy of Pediatrics ihlela uhlobo olunempilo ngale ndlela: abazali kufanele basekele, kunokubukela phansi, igunya lokukhulisa ingane lomunye, futhi bavikele ingane ekulweni ngangokunokwenzeka. Akudingeki ucabange ukuthi omunye umzali wenza umsebenzi omuhle. Kufanele nje ugcine ingane yakho ingaphandle kwaphakathi kwalowo mbono.

Lokhu kunzima. Kunzima ngempela ukuluma ulimi lwakho lapho uthukuthele futhi omunye umuntu, ngokubona kwakho, ezuze wonke amazwi anzima. Kwenze noma kunjalo, ngenxa yomuntu oyedwa omncane okumele anithande nobabili.

Amakhaya amabili, isigqi esisodwa esizinzile

Izingane zibhekana kangcono noshintsho lapho umhlabathi ongaphansi kwazo uhlala ubikezeleka. Ngemva kokuhlukana, umhlabathi wazo omningi wesuka nje. Into eyodwa evikela kakhulu ongayibuyisela inqubo evamile.

Lokho akusho ukuthi izindlu ezimbili kufanele zifane ncamashi. Ngeke zibe njalo. Omunye umzali uqinile kakhulu ngeziskrini, omunye wenza amaphankethe ngeSonto, omunye unosofa omuhle. Lokho kwehluka kuyasindeka futhi kuze kube kuhle. Okusizayo ukungaguquki ezintweni ezisimisa usuku lwengane:

1. Ishejuli ecacile, ethembekile, ukuze ingane yakho ihlale yazi lapho izolala khona nokuthi izobona nini umzali ngamunye ngokulandelayo. Ukungaqiniseki kuwuhlobo lwako lwengcindezi. Ikhalenda elibikezelekayo ngokuthula lisusa lowo mthwalo kuzo.
2. Imithetho emikhulu evumelana cishe, ikakhulukazi izikhathi zokulala, izindele zomsebenzi wesikole, nokuphepha. Izinto zansuku zonke zingahluka. Izinto ezibalulekile zihamba kahle lapho zingaphindaphindeki phakathi kwezindlu.
3. Ukudlulisela okuhle. Ukushintshana phakathi kwamakhaya kuvame ukuba yindawo equbuka khona ingxabano. Kugcine kufushane, kugcine kunganeni, kugcine ngesikhathi. Uma ukubhekana ubuso nobuso kunengcindezi eningi njengamanje, dlulisela esikoleni noma sebenzisa umuntu wesithathu, bese ugcina amalungiselelo emlayezweni obhaliwe.

I-American Academy of Pediatrics ikhomba ngqo lokhu: izingane zenza kangcono lapho abazali bexhumana njalo futhi benikeza imithetho engaguquki phakathi kwamakhaya. Awuzami ukuhlanganisa amakhaya amabili abe linye futhi. Uzama ukwenza ibhuloho phakathi kwawo lizwakale liphephile ukuwelela ngakolunye.

Khulumisanani njengozakwenu emsebenzini, hhayi njengabathandani bakudala

Nakhu ukubuka kabusha okusiza abantu abaningi. Wena nalo muntu manje niphethe inhlangano encane kakhulu, ebaluleke kakhulu ndawonye, futhi umkhiqizo wayo owodwa ingane ethandwa kahle. Ngakho xhumana ngendlela obungakwenza ngayo nozakwenu onzima ephrojekthini ebaluleke kakhulu ukuthi ivunyelwe ihluleke.

Lokho kusho:

• Kugcine kumayelana nengane. Amalungiselelo, isikole, impilo, amashejuli. Ubudlelwano buvaliwe; akudingeki ubuvule futhi njalo lapho nikhuluma.
• Kubeke phansi ngokubhaliwe lapho imizwa iphakeme. Ikhalenda elabelwanayo nemilayezo emifushane, enamaqiniso kunqoba izingxabano eziqhubekayo. Ukubhala kukunika umzuzwana wokupholisa umoya ngaphambi kokuba uthumele, futhi kushiya irekhodi elicacile wonke umuntu angalihlola.
• Yiba njengasebhizinisini, hhayi ofudumele futhi hhayi obandayo. "Ngiqinisekisa ukulanda ngo-5 ngoLwesihlanu" umlayezo ophelele futhi omuhle kakhulu. Awukweleti ubungane, futhi akudingeki wenze ubutha nakho.

Ezinye izinsuku uzokuphatha lokhu ngobunono. Ezinye izinsuku uzothumela umlayezo onochuku bese uzisola. Lokho ukuba umuntu. Inhloso izinga eliphansi ngokuvamile phakathi neminyaka ingane yakho ekhulela ngaphakathi kuyo, hhayi irekhodi eliphelele.

Lapho ningakwazi ukubambisana, ningakwazi ukukhulisa ngokuhambisanayo

Konke okungenhla kucabanga ukuthi wena nozakwenu enikhulisa ingane ningaxhumana ngaphandle kokuthi kuphenduke ukulwa. Ngezinye izikhathi akulapho nikhona, okungenani hhayi okwamanje. Izindaba ezinhle ukuthi ukubambisana akuyona kuphela into evikela izingane. Ibanga nalo lingakwazi.

Kukhona indlela evame ukubizwa ngokuthi ukukhulisa ingane ngokuhambisanayo, futhi kufanele wazi ngayo. Esikhundleni sokuzama ukusebenzisana ngokusondelene, nobabili niphethe ikhaya lenu, ngendlela yenu, ngokuxhumana okuqondile okuncane njengoba amalungiselelo evuma. Nivumelana ngezinto ezinkulu, ezingephikiswane ngokubhaliwe, ishejuli, ukunakekelwa kwezokwelapha, imfundo, bese nihlala ngaphandle komugqa womunye kukho konke okunye. Akukho zinqumo ezihlanganyelwe ngezikhathi zokulala. Akukho kuphawula ngenye indlu. Ukuxhumana kuncipha kube imilayezo emifushane, enamaqiniso, ngokuvamile nge-app eyabelwanayo noma ikhalenda kunengxoxo ephilayo.

Kungazwakala njengokwehluleka ukuhlehla kangaka. Akunjalo. Enganeni, amakhaya amabili azolile, ahlukene angcono kakhulu kunempi eyodwa engaguquki eqhutshwa kuwo womabili. Iphuzu locwaningo lifana kulokhu: yingxabano ingane evezwa kuyo eyenza umonakalo. Uma ukunciphisa ukuxhumana kunciphisa ingxabano, ukunciphisa ukuxhumana kuyisinyathelo esinothando. Imindeni eminingi isebenzisa ukukhulisa ingane ngokuhambisanayo njengendawo yokuqala bese ifudumala kancane iye ekubambisaneni okwengeziwe, njengoba ubuhlungu obudala buphola. Eminye ayilokothi, futhi izingane zayo zisaphuma zilungile. Noma yikuphi kulungile.

Igama ngamaqabane amasha

Ngesikhathi esithile, oyedwa noma nobabili nizophinde nithandane, futhi yilapha lapho ukuthula okuningi kokukhulisana kwenganeni kuvivinywa khona. Izinto ezimbalwa zivame ukukugcina kuzinzile.

Nika ingane yakho isikhathi, futhi wethule iqabane elisha kancane kancane kunokwenza konke ngesikhathi esisodwa. Gcina lowo muntu esikhundleni sokusekela ekuqaleni, hhayi umkhulisi wengane noma umqondisi wesiyalo. Futhi zama, ngisho noma kuyinto yokugcina ozizwa ufuna ukuyenza, ukungavumeli ukusabela kwakho ebudlelwaneni obusha bomunye umzali kuchithekele enganeni yakho. Ayikhethanga khona, futhi akufanele iphathe imizwa yakho ngako. Umthetho ofanayo obusa konke okunye lapha uyasebenza: ingane yakho ithola ukuthanda abantu abasempilweni yayo ngaphandle kokuthi kuyibize imvume yakho.

Ongakusho ngempela enganeni yakho

Izingane zigcwalisa ukuthula ngemibono yazo, futhi imibono yazo cishe ihlale iziveza njengembangela. Ngakho izinto ezimbalwa kufanele zishiwo ngokuzwakalayo, ngaphezu kwesikhathi esisodwa, nganoma yimaphi amagama afanele umndeni wakho:

• Leli akulona iphutha lakho. Kusho ngokusobala. Izingane zikholelwa ngokuthula ukuthi ukuhlukana ngandlela thile kumayelana nazo. Akunjalo, futhi zidinga ukukuzwa lokho ngqo.
• Uvunyelwe ukusithanda sobabili. Uzinika imvume ecacile yokugcina abazali bobabili, okunyibilikisa isicupho sokwethembeka ngaphambi kokuba sakheke.
• Imizwa yakho ilungile. Ukudabuka, ukuthukuthela, ukudideka, ukukhululeka, konke. Into ewusizo kakhulu ongayenza lapho ingane yakho iphatheke kabi akusikho ukuyijabulisa, kuwukulalela nokuvumela umuzwa ube ngokoqobo. Iseluleko se-Cleveland Clinic lapha nje ukulalela nokuqinisekisa kunokugijimela ukulungisa.
• Sobabili sizobe sisekhona. Ubudlelwano phakathi kwabantu abadala buphelile. Ubudlelwano phakathi komzali nengane abuphelanga. Izingane zidinga lowo mugqa udwetshwe ngokucacile futhi kaningi.

Awudingi inkulumo ephelele. Udinga ukufinyeleleka, ube qotho ngezilinganiso ezifanele iminyaka, futhi uzinze ngokwanele ukuze ingane yakho ikwazi ukuletha kuwe izinkathazo zayo kunokuthi izithwale yodwa.

Zinakekele wena, ngamabomu

Le ngxenye iyeqiwa, futhi akufanele. Awukwazi ukuthela ukuzola empilweni yengane yakho usuka ethangini elingenalutho. Isahlukaniso noma ukuhlukana kuwukulahlekelwa kwangempela, ngisho noma unguwe obekufuna, futhi ukukililela kuvunyelwe.

Hambisa umzimba wakho. Ncika kubangane abavelayo. Gcina ama-aphoyintimenti, ukudla, ubuthongo. Isiqondiso se-APA ngokuhlukana okunempilo sifaka ukunakekela impilo yakho yomzimba nokufinyelela kunethiwekhi yakho yokusekelwa, hhayi njengento yobunonokazi kodwa njengengxenye yokudlula kukho uphelele. Lapho uzinze kakhudlwana, ukudlulisela kuhamba kahle, imilayezo iphuma inomusa kakhudlwana, futhi ingane yakho ithola umzali onokuthile okusele okunganikwa.

Uma ubunzima bungasuki, noma uthola intukuthelo ivuza enganeni yakho kungakhathaliseki ukuthi uzama kanzima kangakanani, lokho uphawu lokungenisa usizo, hhayi isigwebo ngawe.

Nini ukungenisa usizo olwengeziwe

Okuningi kokukhulisana ingane kungatholakala njengoba uqhubeka. Okunye kwako akufanele kuthwalwe kuwedwa.

Uma ingane yakho ibonakala ibhajwe, usizi olungapheli, izinkinga esikoleni, ukuhoxa kubangane, ubuthongo noma inkanuko yokudla okucacile ukuthi ayikho kahle, noma izinkathazo ezingehli emavikini, lokho kufanele kube nengxoxo nodokotela wezingane noma udokotela wengqondo wezingane. Ukwelulekwa kusenesikhathi kunganika ingane indawo ephephile, engenzeleli yokubeka imizwa engafuni ukuyithululela kunoma yimuphi umzali.

Uma wena nozakwenu enikhulisa ingane ningakwazi ukwehlisa ingxabano nodwa, udokotela wengqondo womndeni, umxhumanisi wokukhulisa ingane, noma umlamuli angakusiza ukwakha uhlaka olusebenzayo ngaphandle kokusebenzisa izingane njengetafula lokuxoxisana. Ukulamula, i-APA iphawula, kuvame ukuhamba kangcono kuwo wonke umuntu kunokukulwela enkantolo.

Futhi uma noma iyiphi ingxenye yesimo ihilela ukuphepha kwakho noma kwengane yakho, izinsongo, ukwesabisa, noma yini ekwethusayo, beka eceleni iseluleko sokubambisana bese ukhuluma nochwepheshe noma umthombo wendawo wodlame lwasekhaya ngokuthi ungabavikela kanjani bonke. Ukukhulisana ingane okunengxabano encane kucabanga abantu ababili abadala abaphephile. Uma kungelapho ukhona, umsebenzi wakho wokuqala akusikho ukuvumelana. Kuwukuphepha.

Umdlalo omude lapha uthule kunalokho okuzwakala ngakho emavikini amabi kunawo wonke. Ngeke uhlale uluhlaza kangaka. Ukudlulisela okuzwakala kungabekezeleleki manje kuzoba yinto ejwayelekile. Futhi ingane esmaphakathi nakho konke, leyo okwabelana ngekhalenda layo nomuntu obungathanda ukungabi naye, inethuba langempela lokukhula izinzile futhi ithandwa, inqobo nje uma nina nobabili nikwazi ukugcina impi kude nayo. Yilowo wonke umsebenzi. Wanele.

Imithombo

• American Psychological Association, Healthy divorce: How to make your split as smooth as possible
• Cleveland Clinic, How to Help Your Child After a Breakup or Divorce
• American Academy of Pediatrics (HealthyChildren.org), How to Support Children after Their Parents Separate or Divorce
• Frontiers in Psychology (PMC), Healing the Separation in High-Conflict Post-divorce Co-parenting