Amathiphu asheshayo
- Bamba umusa owodwa oqondile nsuku zonke.
- Sho ukubonga ngokuzwakalayo nangokucacile.
- Hlanganisa ukuqaphela nomkhuba wansuku zonke osuvele unawo.
Ubusuku obuningi, budlula ngaphandle kwegama. Umlingani wakho ukhipha udoti, noma agcwalise futhi ingilazi yakho yamanzi, noma aqede umsebenzi owukhohliwe. Ukhathele. Ukhathele. Umzuzu udlula, futhi akekho kini owuphawulayo.
Manje cabanga ngento yokugcina abayenzayo ekucasulayo. Cishe ungayidlala futhi ngokuningiliziwe. Iphimbo, isikhathi, indlela eyafika ngayo.
Lelo gebe alilona uphawu lokuthi kukhona okungahambi kahle ngawe, noma ngobudlelwano bakho. Kuyindlela ingqondo yomuntu eyakhiwe ngayo. Futhi kuyinto, uma ishiywe yodwa, eguga ngokuthula ubuhlobo obuhle. Izindaba ezinhle ukuthi igebe lingavalwa, futhi ukulivala akuthathi ukuhlehla kwempelasonto noma ingxoxo enzima. Kuthatha umkhuba. Omncane. Umkhuba wokuqaphela okuhle kumuntu okanye naye, futhi kwesinye isikhathi, ukukusho.
Ingqondo yakho ihlelwe ukuphuthelwa izinto ezinhle
Kunesizathu sokuthi umzuzu ocasulayo unamathele kanti onomusa uyanyamalala. Osozingqondo bakubiza ngokuthukela okubi: sibhala, sikhumbule, futhi sisabele kokuhlangenwe nakho okubi ngokuqine kakhulu kunokuhle kobukhulu obufanayo. Ukuphawula okukodwa okubukhali kungasinda usuku lonke lokufudumala.
Lokhu akulona iphutha lesimilo. Kuwucingo lwakudala lokusinda. Kokhokho bethu, ukuphuthelwa usongo kwakungaqeda uhlu, kanti ukuphuthelwa umzuzu omnandi kwakubiza cishe lutho. Ngakho ingqondo yafunda ukuthambekela engozini. Ucwaningo lukasozingqondo uJohn Cacioppo lwathola ukuthi ingqondo isabela ngomsebenzi kagesi omningi ezithombeni ezifunda njengezimbi kunezinhle noma ezingathathi hlangothi. Izindaba ezimbi zimane zithola ukuphathwa okuzwakala kakhulu phezulu.
Ebudlelwaneni, lolo cingo lubeka amakhadi ngokuthula. Imisebenzi emincane yomusa yomlingani wakho yiyo kanye uhlobo lwezenzakalo ezithambile, ezimnandi ingqondo ezigcinayo bese ikhohlwa. Amaphutha abo yilolo hlobo elilodwayo. Ngaphandle kokuhlosa, ungagcina unencwadi yamabhuku eqondile ngempela yakho konke okukucasulayo neyodwa evuzayo kakhulu yakho konke okuthakaselayo. Ngezinyanga neminyaka, lokho kubalwa okungalingani kuba yindaba ozitshela yona ngokuthi bangubani.
Ukuqaphela okuhle ngamabomu yindlela olungisa ngayo ukuthukela. Awuzikhohlisi noma unamathelisa ukumamatheka okumbumbulu. Wandisa ukunaka kwakho ukuze ungenise lokho okwakuhlala kukhona okwakumane kungabhalwa.
Umthetho wesihlanu kokukodwa
Yilapha okungena khona okunye kokutholakele okufundwe kakhulu esayensini yobudlelwano, futhi kuqonde ngokuxaka.
Kuqala ngeminyaka yawo-1970, usozingqondo uJohn Gottman nozakwabo uRobert Levenson baletha imibhangqwana elebhu, benza ukuthi isebenze ngokungavumelani kwangempela, base beyilandela iminyaka. Ngokubukela indlela eyayisebenzelana ngayo, abacwaningi babengabikezela ngokunemba okumangalisayo ukuthi yimiphi imibhangqwana ezohlala ndawonye neyona ezohlukana.
Isignali eyodwa ecace kunazo zonke kwakungekhona ukuthi imibhangqwana iyaphikisana yini. Imibhangqwana ejabulayo yayiphikisana kakhulu. Okwakuhlukanisa leyo eyahlala isikhathi eside kwakuyisilinganiso. Ebudlelwaneni obuzinzile, obanelisekile, ukusebenzelana okuhle kwakudlula okubi cishe ngesihlanu kokukodwa, ngisho nangesikhathi sengxabano. Izikhathi ezifudumele ezinhlanu, cishe, kuzo zonke izikhathi ezibandayo.
Hlala nayo leyo nombolo, ngoba ihambisana ngokuxaka nokuthukela okubi. Kuthatha cishe izinto ezinhle ezinhlanu ukulinganisa into embi eyodwa engqondweni yomuntu. Ubudlelwano obuhamba ngokukodwa kokukodwa abuthathi hlangothi. Buzwakala, ngaphakathi, sengathi buthambekela kokubi, ngoba okubi ngakunye kuthwele isisindo esikhulu kakhulu.
Umkhuba ushintsha nawe futhi
Kulula ukufunda konke lokhu njengento oyenzela umlingani wakho. Into enhle. Indlela yokwenza ukuthi bazizwe bethakaseleka. Lokho kuyiqiniso, futhi kubalulekile. Kodwa ushintsho olukhulu lwenzeka ngaphakathi komuntu owenza ukuqaphela.
Lokho okunakayo kuyakhula. Uma uchitha izinsuku zakho uskena lokho okungalungile ngomlingani wakho, wakha iso elibukhali ngokwengeziwe ngakho, futhi inguqulo yabo ophila nabo iba yingxenye embi kunazo zonke yalokho abayikho. Uma ngamabomu uskena lokho okuhle, into efanayo yenzeka ngokuphambene. Uqala ukubona umuntu ozama kakhulu, onomusa kakhulu, kwesinye isikhathi ohlanyayo, okuyiqiniso ngacishe wonke umuntu.
Kunomuzwa ozolile ohambisana nalokhu, futhi kufanele uqanjwe. Inzondo inzima ukuyithwala. Uhlu oluqhubekayo lwengqondo lwezikhalo lugcina umsindo ophansi wokucasuka uqhubeka ngisho nangezinsuku ezijwayelekile, futhi nguwe okumele uphile ngaphakathi kwalowo msindo. Ukukhetha ukuqaphela okuhle akususi izinkinga zangempela, kodwa kwehlisa umsindo wangemuva. Uba nethuba lokufika ekhaya kumuntu omthanda ngempela, ngokwengxenye ngoba usuziqeqeshele ukubona izingxenye ezithandekayo.
Yingakho futhi ukuqaphela kusebenza ngisho noma ungakwazi ukukusho ngokuzwakalayo. Ezinye izinsuku ukhathele kakhulu, noma izinto zicindezelekile, noma umzuzu uyadlula. Isenzo sangasese sokubhala into eyodwa enhle sisabalulekile. Kuhlela ngokuthula indaba oyithwele ngobudlelwano bakho, futhi leyo ndaba ibumba indlela eniphathana ngayo kudala ngaphambi kokuba kushintshaniswe amagama.
Kubukeka kanjani ngempela "okuhle"
Uma abantu bezwa "thakasela umlingani wakho ngokwengeziwe," bavame ukucabanga izenzo ezinkulu noma izincomo ezizijwayezile. Akukhona lokho. Okuhle ofunda ukukuqaphela cishe kuhlala kukuncane futhi cishe kuhlala kujwayelekile.
Yinkomishi yekhofi abayenza ngaphandle kokucelwa. Indlela abakhumbula ngayo ukubuza ukuthi umhlangano wakho onzima uhambe kanjani. Iqiniso lokuthi baphathe isikhathi sokulala ukuze ukwazi ukuhlala phansi imizuzu eyishumi. Ihlaya eliwubuwula elakwenza wahleka ngosuku olubi. Akukho kwakho okuyidrama. Konke kwakho kuyingqikithi yangempela yokunakekelwa.
Abacwaningi abafunda ukubonga emibhangqwaneni bathola ukuthi le misebenzi emincane yomusa yansuku zonke ithwele isisindo sangempela. Ocwaningweni olulodwa lwedayari yansuku zonke luka-Sara Algoe nozakwabo, bobabili abalingani babika ukuzizwa bexhumene kakhulu futhi baneliseke kakhulu ngobudlelwano ezinsukwini emva kokuba omunye wabo ebonise ukubonga. Ukubonga kwansuku zonke kwasebenza, ngamazwi abacwaningi, njengokujova okuqinisayo. Hhayi ikhambi lakho konke, kumane kube umthamo omncane, ovamile owagcina ubudlelwano bunempilo kakhulu.
- Nika udumo ngomzamo. Umlingani wakho akudingeki enze into ngokuphelele ukuze abe wenze into enomusa. Ukuzama kubalulekile njengendlela okuphume ngayo.
- Bala izinto osuyekile ukuzibona. Imisebenzi yomusa esiba umkhuba ivame ukuba yiyona eyenza umsebenzi omkhulu kunayo yonke. Okujwayelekile akufani nokungabalulekile.
Indlela yokwakha umkhuba
Awukwazi ukuziphoqa ukuthi uzizwe ubonga ngomyalo, futhi akudingeki. Umkhuba wakhiwa ngokumisa umzuzu bese uvumela umuzwa ulandele. Nazi izindlela ezimbalwa ezivame ukunamathela.
1. Bamba into eyodwa ngosuku
Kanye ngosuku, thola into eyodwa eqondile umlingani wakho ayenzile ojabula ngayo. Okuqondile kuyilo lonke iqhinga. Hhayi "bangumuntu omuhle," kodwa "bangivumele ukuba ngilale ngisho noma bebevukile nengane." Ungayigcina engqondweni yakho, uyibhale efonini yakho, noma ugcine inothi elincane eliqhubekayo. Isenzo sokubuka yikho okuqeqesha kabusha ukunaka kwakho. Emva kwamasonto ambalwa, uzoqala ukubona le mizuzu njengoba yenzeka, kunokuthi umembe kamuva.
2. Sho ingxenye ethule ngokuzwakalayo
Ukuqaphela kuhle kuwe. Ukukusho kuhle kini nobabili. Uma ubamba omunye walezo mizuzu, batshele. Kugcine kucacile futhi kugcine kufushane.
"Ngiyabonga ngokuhlanza ikhishi namuhla ebusuku. Bengingenawo ngempela amandla, wena wavele wakusingatha."
Lokho kunamandla amakhulu kunokungacacile okuthi "ungcono kunabo bonke," ngoba kukhombisa ukuthi ngempela wabona abakwenzayo. Abantu bangawuqonda umehluko phakathi kokuqashelwa nokuncengwa. Olunye ucwaningo lokubonga lwaze lwathola ukuthi imibhangqwana eyakha ukwazisa okuvamile yayichitha isikhathi esiningi ndawonye usuku nosuku. Ukuzizwa ubonwa kwenza abantu bafune ukuhlala eduze.
3. Kuhlanganise nento osuvele uyenza
Imikhuba emisha iyasinda uma inamathela kweyendala. Khetha umzuzu osuvele wenzeka nsuku zonke. Ukushayela uye ekhaya. Ukuxubha amazinyo nixhumene. Umzuzu wokuqala emva kokuba izingane sezilele ekugcineni. Kusebenzise njengesikhombiso sakho sokukhumbula into eyodwa enhle. Akudingeki ukumemezele sonke isikhathi. Iphuzu ukugcina ukuqaphela kuqhubeka, ukuze ukusho kuze ngokwemvelo uma kubalulekile.
4. Qaphela ngokuzwakalayo nakwabanye abantu, futhi
Kunenguqulo ethule kakhulu yalokhu imibhangqwana evame ukuyiphuthelwa. Indlela okhuluma ngayo ngomlingani wakho uma bengekho ekamelweni ibumba indlela obabona ngayo uma bekhona. Zibambe ngaphambi kwesikhalazo esilula kumngane, bese ukhuluma ngokuthile okuhle esikhundleni salokho. Awudlali. Umane uzijwayeza ukunaka okufanayo endaweni ehlukile, futhi kuvame ukubuyela endleleni ozizwa ngayo ekhaya.
Izindlela ezimbalwa okuhamba ngazo kabi
Lo mkhuba ulula, okuhlukile ekungahlulekini nhlobo. Amaphethini ambalwa angawubuthuntisa, futhi kulula ukuwalungisa uma usuwabona.
Owokuqala ukuguqula ukudumisa kube yisiluva. "Ngiyabonga ngokugcina usuwenzile izitsha" akukhona ukwazisa, kuyisikhalazo esigqoke ukubonga. Abantu bakuzwa ukubaba okungaphansi kwakho ngokushesha. Uma ungakwazi ukukusho kuhlanzekile, kugcinele omunye umzuzu bese uphakamisa udaba lwangempela lwodwa.
Owesibili ukugcina amaphuzu. Injongo yokuqaphela okuhle akukhona ukwakha icala lokuthi uthakasela umlingani wakho ngaphezu kokuthi bakuthakasela. Ngomzuzu kuba yisibalo osinqobayo, kuyeka ukupha. Qaphela ngoba kuyiqiniso, hhayi ngoba ukweletwa okuthile.
Owesithathu ukulinda umuzwa ufike kuqala. Ngosuku olucwebile noma olucasulayo, ungase ungazizwa ukugcwala okufudumele kokubonga, futhi kulungile. Yenza ukuqaphela noma kunjalo. Thola into eyodwa yangempela, uyiqambe ngokusobala, bese uvumela umuzwa ukhonzelele kamuva, uma wenza. Umkhuba uwukuzijwayeza. Ukukhanya kuyibhonasi, hhayi imfuneko.
Owokugcina ukwenza okukhulu bese uthula. Isenzo esikhulu kanye ngesizini senza okuncane kakhulu kunokuvuma okuncane, kweqiniso izinsuku eziningi. Okuqinile kunqoba okukhazimulayo. Wonke amandla alokhu asebuncaneni bakho nasekuphindaphindeni kwakho.
Uma ukuqaphela kunganele kodwa
Nawu umkhawulo oqotho. Ukukhetha ukubona okuhle kumlingani wakho kungumkhuba onamandla, osekelwe kahle. Akulona ikhambi lakho konke, futhi akufanele nanini libe yindlela yokuzikhulumela uphume ezinkingeni zangempela.
Uma izinto ezinzima phakathi kwenu zizinkulu, ukudelela okuqhubekayo, ukwakha udonga, umuzwa wokuthi awukwazi ukuphakamisa okungalungile ngaphandle kokuthi kuqhume, lezo azixazululwa ngokubala imisebenzi yomusa. Zivame ukudinga ukulungiswa kwangempela, futhi ngokuvamile usizo lomelaphi wemibhangqwana ongahlala nani nobabili. Ukuqaphela okuhle kuthengela ubudlelwano ukuqina ekungqubuzaneni okujwayelekile kwezimpilo ezimbili ezihlanganyela uphahla. Akumboze iphethini elikulimazayo.
Futhi kukhona umugqa onzima okufanele uqanjwe ngokusobala. Uma ubudlelwano buhilela noma yiluphi uhlobo lokuhlukunyezwa, ukulawula, noma ukwesaba, imikhuba yokubonga ayiyona impendulo, futhi inkinga akukhona ukunaka kwakho. Leso yisimo okumele usixoxe nomuntu omethembayo noma ochwepheshe osebenza nalezi zinto. Ukuphepha kwakho kuza kuqala, njalo, ngaphambi kwanoma yisiphi iseluleko ngokwazisa.
Kepha esimweni esivamile, uhlobo lapho abantu ababili abathandanayo bemane beyekile ukubonana ngempela, umkhuba wokuqaphela uyindawo yangempela nenomusa yokuqala. Awubizi lutho. Usebenza kuwe njengoba usebenza kubo. Futhi unendlela yokukhula. Lapho ubheka okuhle kakhulu, kuningi kwakho okutholayo, futhi lapho kuningi kwakho okutholayo, kubukeka kukhona okuningi.
Umuntu ongaphesheya kwetafula kuwe wenza izinto ezincane, ezinomusa osuyekile ukuzibhala. Qala ukuzibhala phansi, ngisho nasengqondweni yakho nje. Ungamangala ukuthi kwakukungakanani sonke isikhathi.
Imithombo
- The Gottman Institute, Isilinganiso Somlingo Sobudlelwano, Ngokwesayensi
- Psychology Today, Ukuthukela Okubi Kwengqondo Yethu
- Psychology Today, Ukubonga: Indlela Ukubonga Okuqinisa Ngayo Ubudlelwano
- Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley, Yizinto Ezincane: Ukubonga Kwansuku Zonke Njengokujova Okuqinisayo Kobudlelwano Bothando (Algoe, Gable & Maisel, 2010)