Nā kāhea pili: nā manawa liʻiliʻi e mālama paʻa ai i kahi pilina

Nānā kāu hoa mai kā lākou kelepona a ʻōlelo, "Hē. Ke wāwahi nei lākou i ka hale ʻaina kahiko ma ke alanui ʻElima." Aia ʻoe ma waena o kahi leka uila. Hiki iā ʻoe ke nunulu me ka nānā ʻole i luna. Hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo "he mea minamina, e holo kāua e nānā ma mua o kona nalo." A i ʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke kani a ʻōlelo e hoʻāʻo ana ʻoe e kālele.

ʻEkolu koho liʻiliʻi. ʻAʻole ʻike ʻia kekahi o lākou me he mea nui lā. ʻO ia maoli ka manaʻo. Hiki mai nā manawa e like me kēia he kanaono manawa o ka lā, a ʻo ke ʻano o kāu pane, ma luna o nā mahina a me nā makahiki, e hoʻoholo mālie ana i ka pili o ʻolua.

Hāʻawi nā mea noiʻi ʻo John lāua ʻo Julie Gottman i kahi inoa no kēia manawa liʻiliʻi. Kapa lākou iā ia he kāhea pili (ma ka ʻōlelo Pelekane, *bid for connection*). He neʻe liʻiliʻi loa kekahi e hana ai i kekahi kanaka e kiʻi i kou nānā, kou aloha, a i ʻole kahi ʻuʻina o ka ʻʻike ʻana. "E nānā i kēia ʻīlio." "Ua hiamoe maikaʻi anei ʻoe?" He lima e kau ana ma kou poʻohiwi i ko lākou hele ʻana. ʻAʻole hōʻike kekahi o ia iā ia iho he mea koʻikoʻi. ʻO ia ke kumu e maʻalahi ai ke hala.

He aha maoli he kāhea pili

Noʻonoʻo ka hapa nui o kākou i ka pili me he kamaʻilio hohonu lā, ka lā nui, ka manawa e ʻōlelo maoli ai kekahi i ka mea paʻakikī ma ka leo nui. Koʻikoʻi lākou. Akā he kakaʻikahi lākou. ʻO ka pili e mālama maoli ai i kahi pilina, hana ʻia ia mai nā mea liʻiliʻi loa aʻe, hana hou ʻia mau.

Kapa ka poʻe Gottman, nāna i aʻo i nā kāne wahine no nā makahiki he nui ma kahi keʻena ma Seattle i kapa inoa ʻia ʻo ka Love Lab, i ke kāhea pili he "ʻapana kumu o ke kamaʻilio naʻau." Ma kekahi wā nānā ma kahi ʻaina ahiahi, ua hana nā kāne wahine i maikaʻi ana ma kahi o hoʻokahi haneli kāhea i loko o ʻumi minuke. Ke kiʻi nei lākou i kekahi i kekahi ʻaneʻane me ka hoʻomaha ʻole.

Hiki i ke kāhea pili ke lilo i nīnau, i ʻōlelo, i roko, i nānā, i manaʻo i pau ʻole i hoʻolei ʻia i ka lewa. He maopopo kekahi ("hiki anei iā kāua ke kamaʻilio?"). ʻAʻole maopopo ka hapa nui. He hemahema, he hōʻʻalo, a he manawa ʻʻino kekahi nui o nā kāhea. Hiki i kekahi mehameha ke ʻimi i kahi hakakā liʻiliʻi ma kahi o ka ʻōlelo "ke haʻo nei au iā ʻoe." Ma lalo o kekahi nui kupanaha o ka pilikia he kāhea pili i pae ʻole.

I, mai, kūʻē

Ke pae kahi kāhea pili, hana ʻoe i hoʻokahi o nā mea ʻekolu. Kapa pū ka poʻe Gottman i kēia.

Hiki iā ʻoe ke huli i ka iā ia. Pane ʻoe. "Auē, e nānā i kēlā." ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻokuʻu i nā mea a pau a loaʻa ka pane kūpono. He kuʻinī o ke poʻo, he nīnau hou, he wikiwiki "e haʻi hou mai" e helu nā mea a pau. Ke ʻōlelo nei ʻoe: ua lohe au iā ʻoe, eia au.

Hiki iā ʻoe ke huli mai iā ia. ʻAʻole no ka ʻʻino, ʻaneʻane mau. Paʻahana ʻoe, kāpae ʻia, ma kāu kelepona, hohonu i kou poʻo iho. ʻAʻole ʻoe e ʻike, a i ʻole ʻike ʻoe a ʻae iā ia e hala. Mahū wale ke kāhea pili. ʻAneʻane ʻole hana ka mea nāna i hana iā ia i kekahi haunaele no ia. ʻIke wale lākou, iki, me he mea lā ua kiʻi lākou i waho a hālāwai me ka ea.

A i ʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke huli kūʻē iā ia. ʻO kēia ka mea ʻoi. "ʻAʻole anei ʻoe e ʻike e hana ana au?" "No ke aha ʻoe e haʻi mai nei iaʻu i kēia?" He pane me kahi lihi, a ʻeha aku ia ma mua o ka hāmau no ka mea lawe ia i ka hōʻole.

Eia ka ʻike e kūpono ke hoʻokūpono iā kākou a pau. Ke hahai ka poʻe Gottman i nā kāne wahine male hou ma luna o ʻeono makahiki, ʻo ka poʻe i noho pū, ua huli i nā kāhea pili o kekahi i kekahi ma kahi o 86 pakeneka o ka manawa. ʻO ka poʻe i hemo, ua hiki iā lākou ke hana iā ia 33 pakeneka wale nō o ka manawa. ʻO ka ʻokoʻa ma waena o kahi male i mau a me kahi i hāʻule, ʻaʻole ʻo ka nui o nā hakakā. ʻO ka pinepine o ka pane ʻana o kēlā me kēia i ke kāhea liʻiliʻi o kekahi, i nā manawa maʻamau.

Ka helu lohi ona

Hoʻohana ka poʻe Gottman i kahi hoʻohālike maʻalahi no ka mea e hana nei ma lalo: he panakō naʻau. I kēlā me kēia manawa āu e huli i ai i kahi kāhea pili, hana ʻoe i kahi waiho liʻiliʻi. Huli mai, a noho mālie ka panakō. Huli kūʻē, a hana ʻoe i kahi kiʻi kālā.

ʻAʻole hoʻololi nui kekahi waiho hoʻokahi. ʻO ia ka mea e maʻalahi ke kuhi hewa. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hoʻoponopono i kahi pilina paʻakikī me hoʻokahi neʻe nui, a ʻaʻole ʻoe e wāwahi i kahi ikaika ma ka ʻoki ʻana i kahi awakea ʻino. ʻO ka huina holoʻokoʻa ka mea koʻikoʻi, i kūkulu ʻia ma luna o nā tausani kuʻai liʻiliʻi. Hiki i kahi kāne wahine me kahi panakō piha ke hoʻomanawanui i kahi wā ʻino, no ka mea aia kahi waiho hohonu o ka aloha e huki ai. ʻIke kahi kāne wahine e holo ana ma ka mea ʻole i kēlā me kēia hōʻino, no ka mea ʻaʻohe mea i koe i ka waiho.

ʻO ka nūhou maikaʻi mālie ma kēia ka haʻahaʻa o ke kūlana. ʻAʻole ʻoe e koi ʻia e lilo i mea kamaʻilio maikaʻi aʻe ma kekahi ʻano koa. Ke koi ʻia ʻoe e nānā i luna. E pane i ka mea liʻiliʻi. Hana hou ʻia. ʻO ka memo ponoʻī o ka poʻe Gottman no ia, ʻaneʻane manakā: "nā mea liʻiliʻi, pinepine."

Pehea e hopu ai i nā kāhea pili āu i hala mua ai

Inā kuhi ʻoe ua huli mai ʻoe me ka manaʻo ʻole, eia kekahi mau mea e kūpono ke hoʻāʻo. E koho i hoʻokahi. Mai hoʻāʻo e hoʻololi i nā mea a pau i ka manawa hoʻokahi.

1. E manaʻo aia kahi kāhea pili e hūnā ana ma laila. Ke ʻōlelo kāu kanaka i kekahi mea liʻiliʻi a kūpapa, e mālama iā ia me he kono lā ma kahi o kahi hōʻike kūlana. ʻAneʻane ʻole ʻo "ke wāwahi nei lākou i ka hale ʻaina" he pili i ka hale ʻaina. He lima hāmama ia. E ʻapo iā ia.
2. E hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ke kūlana o kāu pane iho. ʻAʻole ʻaiʻē ʻoe i kahi kamaʻilio piha i kēlā me kēia manawa. He pane piha kahi "ʻo ʻiaʻiʻo?" maoli, he nānā maka, he nīnau hahai. Helu nā huli liʻiliʻi i ka like me nā mea nui.
3. E noʻonoʻo i kāu kelepona. ʻO nā pale kahi e make mālie ai ka hapa nui o nā kāhea pili hou. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e pāpā i nā mea hana. E aʻo wale e ʻike i ka huki o kahi kāhea pili me ka ikaika lawa e nānā i luna mai hoʻokahi.
4. E mālama i nā komo a me nā puka. Kau ka poʻe Gottman i ke kaumaha maoli ma luna o nā ʻano pō hana liʻiliʻi a puni ke haʻalele a hui hou, ke aloha, ke aloha ma ka hopena o ka lā. He pūliki a honi ʻeono kekona, he "pehea ʻo ia?" maoli ma ka puka, he mau waiho liʻiliʻi a hilinaʻi kēia. E kūkulu i hoʻokahi a e ʻae iā ia e lilo i automatic.
5. E hoʻoponopono ke huli kūʻē ʻoe. E ʻoki paha ʻoe i kekahi manawa. Hana nā mea a pau. ʻO ka mea e kōkua ai ka hoʻi ʻana: "E kala mai, ua ʻoki au iā ʻoe ma mua, e hoʻāʻo wale ana ʻoe e kamaʻilio iaʻu." Hoʻololi kahi hoʻoponopono i kahi kiʻi kālā i kahi waiho hou, a aʻo ia iā ʻolua he kāhea i hala ʻaʻole ia ka hopena o kekahi mea.

ʻAʻole kēia no nā hoa aloha wale nō, ʻo ʻiaʻiʻo. Kiʻi nā keiki i ka pili mau, a pēlā nō nā hoaaloha, nā mākua, a me ka poʻe āu e hana pū ai. ʻO ka neʻe liʻiliʻi like, ka nānā i luna a pane, kūkulu ia i ka pili kokoke ma nā wahi a pau kahi e kiʻi ai ka poʻe i kekahi i kekahi.

I ka wā he hohonu aku ka nalo

I kekahi manawa ʻaʻole ʻo nā kāhea pili i hala ka pilikia. I kekahi manawa ua hoʻōki hoʻokahi a ʻelua kānaka i ke kāhea, no ka mea ua hoʻōki ke kiʻi ʻana i waho i ka ʻike palekana a kūpono. ʻO kēlā hakahaka mālie a noho, kahi i palahalaha ai ʻolua a hoʻōki i ka hoʻāʻo, he paʻakikī aku ke hoʻoponopono mai loko, a kūpono ke mālama koʻikoʻi ma kahi o ke kakali iā ia.

Inā ua kahe ka mahana ma waena o ʻolua, inā ua awaawa nā kamaʻilio i ka hoʻowahāwahā a i ʻole ka pā hāmau, a i ʻole inā hiki ʻole iā ʻolua ke ʻimi i ko ʻolua ala hou i kekahi i kekahi me ka nui o nā mea liʻiliʻi āu e hoʻāʻo ai, hiki i kahi kākāʻōlelo kāne wahine maikaʻi ke kōkua. ʻAʻole he hōʻike ke kiʻi ʻana i kēlā ʻano kākoʻo ua hāʻule ka pilina. He kāhea pili maoli ia ma kona iho. A inā komo kekahi pilina o kou ola i ka makaʻu, ka mana, a i ʻole ka hōʻeha, ʻaʻole kēlā he pilikia pili e pani me nā neʻe liʻiliʻi, he pilikia palekana ia, a kūpono ʻoe i ke kōkua i kūkulu ʻia no ia.

ʻO ka hapa nui o nā pilina, akā, ʻaʻole haki. Ua pōloli iki wale nō i ka nānā. ʻOi aku ka kokoke o ka hoʻoponopono ma mua o kona ʻike. ʻO ka mea liʻiliʻi aʻe a kāu kanaka e ʻōlelo ai, a inā nānā ʻoe i luna.

Nā kumu

1. The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
2. The Gottman Institute, Small Actions Make Big Impacts
3. The Gottman Institute, The Six Second Kiss
4. Greater Good Magazine (UC Berkeley), Four Ways to Refresh Your Relationship