Nā ʻano pili: he alakaʻi maopopo i kou ʻano e aloha ai

E noʻonoʻo i nā pule mua me kekahi hou. Lawe lākou i kekahi mau hola e pane ai, a ʻike ʻoe iā ia ma kou ʻōpū. Heluhelu hou paha ʻoe i ka leka hope ʻehā manawa, e ʻimi ana i kahi hōʻailona ua loli kekahi. A i ʻole ʻike ʻoe i ka huki kūʻē: maikaʻi nā mea, ʻaneʻane maikaʻi loa, a makemake kekahi hapa mālie ou e kāpae i ka ʻimi ipo aʻe a hanu.

ʻAʻole ʻo kekahi o nā pane ʻelua e hōʻike i kekahi mea hewa iā ʻoe. He hoʻopaʻa kahiko lāua a ʻelua e hana ana i ka mea pono i aʻo ai e hana. Kapa nā kālaikuhi noʻonoʻo i kēlā hoʻopaʻa ʻana ʻo kou ʻano pili, a i ka manawa e ʻike ai ʻoe i kou ʻano, nui nā manawa pili pohihihi e pau ai i ke ʻano lakaʻa.

He palapala ʻāina kēia, ʻaʻole he hoʻoholo. E heluhelu mālie iā ia.

Mai hea mai ka manaʻo

Hoʻi ka noiʻi i kekahi loea olakino noʻonoʻo Pelekane i kapa ʻia ʻo John Bowlby i ka makahiki 1950, nāna i ʻike i ka ikaika o ka hoʻopili ʻana o ka pili o kekahi keiki ʻōpio me ka mea mālama iā ia. A laila, ua kūkulu kekahi kālaikuhi noʻonoʻo hoʻokele, ʻo Mary Ainsworth, i kekahi hoʻokolohua akahele a puni ia. Ua nānā ʻo ia i ke ʻano o ka pane ʻana o nā pēpē i ka wā e haʻalele iki ai kekahi makua i ka lumi a hoʻi mai, a ua ʻike ʻo ia i nā ʻano maopopo a hana hou ʻia ma ka mea a lākou i kiʻi ai a me ke ʻano o ko lākou maluhia ʻana. Lilo kēlā mau ʻano i kahua o ke kumumanaʻo pili.

Ma hope o nā makahiki he nui, ua nīnau nā mea noiʻi i kekahi nīnau maopopo. Inā aʻo kahi pēpē inā palekana ka pili, e hahai anei kēlā haʻawina iā lākou i loko o ke aloha makua? Ua hōʻike ka hana a Cindy Hazan lāua ʻo Phillip Shaver ma ka hopena o nā makahiki 1980 ʻo ia nō. ʻO ke ʻano o kou hoʻopili ʻana i ke kanaka liʻiliʻi, ma mua loa o kou hiki ke kapa i kekahi o ia, e kani pinepine i kou ʻano e hoʻopili ai i kahi hoa i kēia manawa.

Eia ka mana ʻoluʻolu o ka ʻepekema. I ke keiki, ua holo ʻoe i kekahi hoʻokolohua he tausani manawa me ka ʻike ʻole. Pono iā ʻoe kekahi mea, kiʻi ʻoe i waho, a aʻo ʻoe i ka mea i hoʻi mai. Ke hōʻea ka hōʻolu me ka hilinaʻi, aʻo ʻoe he palekana ka honua, a hiki ke hilinaʻi i ka poʻe. Ke hele a hoʻi, a ʻaneʻane ʻole hele mai, aʻo ʻoe e hoʻololi. He akamai kēlā mau hoʻololi. Mālama lākou iā ʻoe e kokoke i ka mālama i hiki iā ʻoe ke loaʻa. ʻAʻole wale lākou e kōkua iā ʻoe i ka makahiki kanakolukūmālima ma kahi ʻimi ipo ʻekolu.

Nā ʻano ʻehā, ma nā ʻōlelo maopopo

Pae ka hapa nui o nā wehewehe i ʻehā ʻano. ʻAneʻane ʻole he ʻano maʻemaʻe kekahi, a hiki iā ʻoe ke hilina i kekahi ʻaoʻao me kekahi hoa a i kekahi ʻano ʻē aʻe me kekahi kanaka ʻē aʻe. E heluhelu i kēia no ka ʻuʻina o ka ʻike ʻana, ʻaʻole no ka hoʻokomo iā ʻoe iho i kahi pahu.

Palekana

Inā palekana ka nui ou, ʻaʻole hoʻoweliweli ka pili a ʻaʻole pēlā ka hakahaka. Hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo i kāu mea e pono ai me ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa lōʻihi ʻole o loko. Ke kaumaha kekahi hoa, hiki iā ʻoe ke noho a kokoke ma kahi o ka hoʻoponopono a holo. ʻIke ʻia ke kūʻē me he mea hiki ke ola. Manaʻo ʻoe, ma ka hohonu, he kūpono ʻoe e noho ʻia, no laila ʻaʻole ʻoe e hoʻāʻo mau a hoʻomākaukau no ka puka.

ʻO kēia ke ʻano e maʻalahi ai nā pilina. ʻOi aku kona maʻamau ma mua o ka mea a ka pūnaewele e ʻōlelo i kekahi manawa, a, ʻo ka mea nui, hiki ke hoʻulu ʻia.

Hopohopo

ʻO ka pili hopohopo ka hapa ou e makemake ai i ka hōʻoluʻolu a paʻakikī ke hilinaʻi iā ia i kona hiki ʻana mai. Hiki i ka pili mua ke ʻike ʻia me he hauʻoli lā a pīhoihoi iki. Pā kekahi pane lohi me he hoʻoweliweli lā. Loaʻa paha ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e hāʻawi nui, e wehewehe nui, e hana hou i nā kamaʻilio no ka mea āu i hewa ai.

Ma lalo ona he makaʻu mālie i ka haʻalele ʻia, i kau pinepine ʻia e ka mālama i wela a anu. Hoʻopili ka Cleveland Clinic i kēia ʻano me ka mālama maopopo ʻole, kahi i maoli ai ka hōʻolu akā maopopo ʻole, no laila aʻo kekahi keiki e noho mākaʻikaʻi. Inā ʻo ʻoe kēia, ʻo ka huli ʻino, ʻo ia ka mea ʻo nā ʻano i manaʻo e huki i kahi hoa kokoke (ka kākau pālua, ka hoʻāʻo, ka pono i ka hōʻoia) ʻo lākou ka mea ʻoi aku ka loaʻa e kipaku i kekahi kanaka ʻoi aku ka kūpaʻa.

ʻAlo

ʻIke ʻia ka pili ʻalo me he kūʻokoʻa ikaika lā, a mai loko mai, ʻike pinepine ʻia me he hōʻoluʻolu lā. Mālama nui ʻoe i ka hilinaʻi iā ʻoe iho. Ke makemake kekahi i ka pili hou aku, ʻike ʻoe i kekahi pono mālie e hoʻi i hope, e ʻimi i kahi hemahema, e hoʻomanaʻo i nā mea a pau āu e haʻalele ai. Paʻakikī paha ʻoe i ke kapa ʻana i nā manaʻo, a i ka manaʻoʻiʻo makemake maoli ka poʻe ʻē aʻe e lohe iā lākou.

Ulu pinepine kēia mai ka mālama i hoʻokō i nā pono kūpono akā nalo i nā pono manaʻo. ʻO ka haʻawina a kekahi keiki e lawe ai mai laila, he kūpono ia: he kaumaha nā pono, no laila e hoʻoponopono iā ʻoe iho. I ke kanaka makua, hiki ke heluhelu ʻia me he anuanu a hiki lā. Hiki nō hoʻi iā ia ke waiho i kekahi hoa me ka manaʻo ua paʻa ʻia mai kekahi lumi e hiki ai iā ia ke ʻike akā ʻaʻole e komo.

Hoʻopiopio, a ʻalo me ka makaʻu

ʻO ke ʻano ʻehā, ʻo ia ke ʻano huki-kipaku. Makemake nui ʻoe i ka pili a makaʻu like nō hoʻi iā ia, no laila e alualu ikaika ʻoe i kekahi a laila pīhoihoi ke hiki maoli mai lākou. Hihia ka pili a me ka hōʻailona pīhoihoi. Hoʻopili pinepine ʻia kēia ʻano me nā ʻano kaiapuni mua i weliweli a haunaele paha, kahi i lilo ai ke kanaka āu i pono ai no ka palekana i kumu pū o ka makaʻu. ʻO ia ke kaumaha loa o nā ʻehā, a ʻo ia ka mea e koʻikoʻi loa ai ka hana me kekahi kākāʻōlelo maikaʻi.

ʻAʻole kēia he aha

Kekahi mau aʻo ʻoiaʻiʻo, no ka mea ua lele ka ʻōlelo pili a kūʻē ka pūnaewele me ka mālama ʻole iā ia.

ʻAʻole he hōʻiloli kēia mau ʻano, a ʻaʻole he ʻōlelo hōʻino e hoʻolei i loko o kahi hakakā. ʻAneʻane ʻole he ʻōlelo aloha ʻo "ʻAlo loa ʻoe." ʻAʻole pū lākou he ʻano kanaka paʻa. ʻAʻole ʻoe i haki inā puka ʻoe me ka hopohopo a ʻalo. Ua hoʻololi ʻoe i kāu mea i loaʻa, a he hōʻailona ka hoʻololi ʻana ua hana kou ʻōnaehana nūnū, ʻaʻole i hāʻule.

A ʻaʻole he hōʻailona maʻi kahi lepili. Inā pili kou mau ʻano me kekahi ʻeha maoli, a ke hoʻopilikia nei lākou iā ʻoe ma nā pilina a pau, ʻo ia kekahi kumu e huki mai i kahi loea, ʻaʻole no ka hōʻailona maʻi iā ʻoe iho mai kekahi ʻatikala a kapa he paʻa.

Ke kuʻi nā ʻano ʻelua

ʻAʻole ola nā ʻano i loko o hoʻokahi kanaka wale nō. Hālāwai lākou, a he weliweli kekahi mau hui kaulana.

ʻO ka mea e wāwahi i ka nui o nā puʻuwai, ʻo ia ka hopohopo a me ka ʻalo. E noʻonoʻo i ka mea a kēlā me kēia e pono ai. Hoʻolu ʻia ka hoa hopohopo e ka pili a me ka hōʻoluʻolu. Hoʻolu ʻia ka hoa ʻalo e ka hakahaka a me ke kūʻokoʻa. No laila, ʻo ka mea e hoʻomaluhia i kekahi, hoʻāla ia i ka hōʻailona o kekahi. Ke ʻike ka hoa hopohopo i ka hakahaka, neʻe lākou i loko. ʻO ka neʻe kokoke ʻana, ʻoi aku ka pono o ka hoa ʻalo i ka ea, a ʻoi aku ka hoʻi i hope. Heluhelu ʻia ka hoʻi i hope me he haʻalele lā, e hoʻopiʻi nei i ka hopohopo, e hoʻouna nei iā lākou e alualu ikaika aʻe. Pēlā e poʻai ai.

ʻO ka mea e pili ai kēia, ʻo ia ka hiki ke ʻike ʻia me he ʻiʻini lā. He kiʻekiʻe nā kiʻekiʻe, he ikaika nā hui hou, a hiki i ka ʻaneʻane nalo mau ke hoʻokamani he aloha hohonu. ʻAneʻane ʻole he aloha ka mea e hana ana i kēlā. He ʻelua ʻōnaehana nūnū e kāʻomi ana i nā pihi kahiko loa o kekahi i kekahi.

Inā ʻike ʻoe i kāu pilina ma ʻane ʻi, ʻaʻole ke koho mua ka hāʻawi hewa. ʻO ia ke kapa ʻana i ka hula me ka leo nui, me ka pū. "Manaʻo au i koʻu wā makaʻu e alualu au, a hoʻolilo kēlā iā ʻoe i ka makemake i ka hakahaka, a laila ʻoi aku koʻu makaʻu." Hoʻololi ke kapa ʻana i ka poʻai iā ia mai kahi hakakā no ka hewa o wai i kahi pilikia hiki i ʻolua ke nānā ma ka ʻaoʻao. Hiki i kēlā hoʻokahi ke lawe i kekahi o ka wela. No ka nui o nā kāne wahine, ʻo kēia pono ke kahi e loaʻa ai ka uku o kahi kākāʻōlelo kāne wahine.

Pehea e puka mai ai nā ʻano i ka ʻimi ipo

ʻO ka ʻimi ipo mua kahi e hōʻike ai kēia mau ʻano iā lākou iho, inā ʻike ʻoe i ka mea e nānā ai. ʻAʻole no ka huli i nā hōʻailona ʻula i kekahi, akā no ka maopopo i ka ikehu o ka lumi, me kou iho.

E ʻike i ka wikiwiki. ʻO kahi holo i ka ikaika koke, ka ʻino wili e makemake e hui i ka pule ʻelua, hiki ke lilo i huki hopohopo. ʻO kahi ʻano o ka mehana a hahai ʻia e ke anu koke, o ke kokoke a laila pohihihi, hiki ke lilo i ʻalo i ka hana. E ʻike i kou kino iho. Inā waiho kekahi kanaka maikaʻi loa iā ʻoe me ka manakā, e nīnau inā ʻo "manakā" ʻo "maluhia" maoli paha. Inā waiho kekahi hiki ʻole iā ʻoe me ka noʻonoʻo nui, e nīnau inā ʻo ka ʻuʻina he kemika a i ʻole kou ʻōnaehana hōʻailona wale e ʻā ana.

ʻAʻole kēia e haʻi iā ʻoe e haʻalele. Ulu ka poʻe, a hiki ke kūkulu ʻia ka palekana ma waena o ʻelua hoa makemake. Hāʻawi wale ia iā ʻoe i kahi heluhelu ʻoi aku ka maopopo ma mua o "ʻAʻole au ʻike, he paʻakikī."

Ka hapa e hoʻololi i nā mea a pau: ʻaʻole ʻoe i paʻa

Eia ka nūhou kūpono e paʻa. He ʻano pili ke ʻano pili, a hiki i nā ʻano hana ke loli. Wehewehe nā mea noiʻi i kekahi mea i kapa pinepine ʻia he palekana i loaʻa: hiki i ka poʻe i hoʻomaka ʻole palekana ke lilo i palekana aʻe me ka manawa. Hoʻopuka maopopo ka Cleveland Clinic ua hiki ke loli kou ʻano pili, a hoʻomaka ia me ka ʻike iā ʻoe iho.

He ʻoluʻolu pū ke ʻano. Wehewehe kekahi loiloi noiʻi a Mario Mikulincer lāua ʻo Phillip Shaver i ke ʻano e hiki ai i nā launa kūpaʻa a pane, ke ʻano a kahi hoa hilinaʻi a kahi kākāʻōlelo maikaʻi e hāʻawi ai, ke ʻae mālie i kekahi kanaka palekana ʻole e ʻike maoli e mālama ʻia, a me ka manawa hiki i kēlā ʻike ke hoʻopalupalu i nā pale kahiko a i kekahi mea ʻoi aku ka palekana. ʻAʻole ʻoe e noʻonoʻo a hiki i ka palekana. Hiki ʻoe ma o ka hōʻoia hana a noho i ka pili palekana e kūpono lawa.

Hiki mai kēlā hōʻoia mai kahi hoa. Hiki mai mai kahi pilina hoaaloha. Hiki mai mai kahi kākāʻōlelo nona ke kūpaʻa, pule a pule, e kākau lohi hou i ka manaʻo kahiko.

Ka hana me kou ʻano

ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke noʻonoʻo a pau kou hoʻopaʻa, akā hiki iā ʻoe ke hana me ia me ka manaʻo. He mau wahi hoʻomaka, e pili ana i kou wahi e hilina ai.

• E kapa i ke ʻano hana i ka manawa. Ke ʻike ʻoe i ka poʻai a i ʻole ka ʻiʻini e holo, e hoʻāʻo e lepili mālie iā ia: "ʻo kēia kuʻu hapa hopohopo," a i ʻole "ʻo kēia ka hapa e makemake ana e holo." ʻO kēlā hakahaka liʻiliʻi ma waena o ka manaʻo a me ka pane, ʻo ia kahi e loaʻa hou ai iā ʻoe ke koho.
• Inā hilina ʻoe i ka hopohopo, e hoʻomaʻamaʻa i ke hoʻomanawanui i kekahi maopopo ʻole ma mua o kāu hana. He ʻike ka leka lohi no ko lākou lā, ʻaʻole he hoʻoholo no kou waiwai. E hoʻomaluhia mua iā ʻoe iho, a laila e hoʻoholo inā e kiʻi aku.
• Inā hilina ʻoe i ka ʻalo, e mālama i ka pili me he mea e kūkulu ai ʻoe i ka hoʻomanawanui i nā mua liʻiliʻi. E kaʻana i hoʻokahi manaʻo maoli. E noho i loko o hoʻokahi kamaʻilio ʻano ʻʻino iki ma kahi o ka huli i ka puka. E ʻike e ola ʻoe iā ia.
• E ʻōlelo i kāu mea e pono ai, ma nā huaʻōlelo. Holo ka hapa nui o nā ʻano palekana ʻole ma ke kuhi a me ka hoʻāʻo. Hāʻawi nā noi maopopo ("makemake au i kahi leka wikiwiki ke pae ʻoe") i kahi hoa i kahi manawa maoli e hōʻike ai, a hāʻawi iā ʻoe i ka ʻike maoli inā hiki iā lākou.
• E ʻimi, a mālama, i ka poʻe palekana. Ikaika ka huki i ka kemika haunaele, ʻoi aku inā he malihini ka maluhia i kou wā ʻulu. Hiki i ka kūpaʻa ke ʻike manakā ma mua. I kekahi manawa he palekana wale nō ka kūpaʻa.

E hele mālie me kēia a pau. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hoʻāʻo e lilo i kanaka ʻokoʻa ma ka Pōʻalima. Ke hoʻāʻo nei ʻoe e hoʻohui i kekahi mau kekona koho kahi i loaʻa ai kahi pane wale nō ma mua.

I ka wā e huki mai i ke kōkua

Lawe ka ʻike iā ʻoe iho i kahi lōʻihi. ʻAʻole ia e lawe iā ʻoe i nā wahi a pau. Inā hoʻomau kou mau ʻano i ka wāwahi i nā pilina āu e mālama ai, inā hoʻāla mau ka pili i ka pīhoihoi, a i ʻole inā ua hihia kekahi o kēia me kekahi ʻeha, hana ʻino, a i ʻole kekahi makaʻu nona nā aʻa hohonu loa ma mua o ka ʻimi ipo, e ʻoluʻolu e kamaʻilio me kekahi kākāʻōlelo i laikini ʻia. ʻO ka hana pili kekahi o nā mea a ka hoʻōla noʻonoʻo e hana maoli maikaʻi ai, a ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e wehe i nā hipuʻu kahiko loa hoʻokahi. ʻAʻole he hāʻule o ka ʻike ke kiʻi ʻana i kēlā kōkua. ʻO ia ke ʻano e hiki ai i ka nui o ka poʻe i ka palekana ʻaʻole lākou i ʻulu me ia.

ʻO kēlā me kēia ʻano ou, ua kūkulu ʻia ia e kekahi mana ʻoe ʻōpio e hana ana i kona mea hiki e noho kokoke i ka poʻe āna i aloha ai. ʻAʻole kēlā hapa ou ka ʻenemi. Hiki iā ia ke aʻo i kekahi mea hou.

Nā kumu

• Cleveland Clinic, Attachment Styles: Causes, What They Mean
• Cleveland Clinic, What Is Attachment Theory? And How Does It Impact You?
• Mikulincer & Shaver, Enhancing the "Broaden and Build" Cycle of Attachment Security in Adulthood (International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health)
• HelpGuide, Attachment Styles and How They Affect Adult Relationships