Inā aia ʻoe i loko o ka pilikia a i ʻole ke noʻonoʻo nei e hōʻeha iā ʻoe iho, ʻaʻole ʻoe hoʻokahi. Ma ʻAmelika Hui Pū ʻIa, e kelepona a kelepaʻi paha i 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24/7), e kelepaʻi iā HOME i 741741 (Crisis Text Line), a i ʻole e kelepona i 911 i ka wā pilikia. Ma nā wahi a pau o ka honua, hōʻike ʻo findahelpline.com i nā laina kōkua manuahi a mālama huna ma kou ʻāina ponoʻī a ma kou ʻōlelo ponoʻī. Inā aia ʻoe i loko o ka pōʻino koke, e kelepona i ka helu kelepona pilikia o kou wahi.
E ʻōlelo mai kekahi iā ʻoe i loko o ka pule mua. ʻOi aku paha ma mua o hoʻokahi kanaka. "Loaʻa i nā mea a pau he kumu." "E loaʻa iā ʻoe kahi ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi." "Ke pani kekahi puka." He maikaʻi ko lākou manaʻo. Aloha lākou iā ʻoe, a hoʻonāukiuki kou ʻeha iā lākou, no laila kiʻi lākou i ka mea ʻālohilohi kokoke loa a hāʻawi iā ʻoe e like me ke kīʻaha wai.
A kū ʻoe ma laila e paʻa ana iā ia, e ʻike ana me ka mehameha ʻoi aku ma mua o ka wā ma mua o kā lākou ʻōlelo ʻana.
Inā ʻo ia kahi āu e noho nei i kēia manawa, e hoʻomaka ma ʻaneʻi: he lilo ka haʻihaʻi pilina. ʻAʻole he haʻawina āu i aʻo ʻole ai me ka wikiwiki, ʻaʻole he hōʻike o kou ʻano. He lilo. ʻO ka maha a me ke ʻano, inā hiki mai lāua, hiki mai ma hope, a hiki mai ma ko lāua papahana ponoʻī. ʻAʻole hiki i kekahi ke hoʻowikiwiki me ke koi ʻana e ʻike mua ʻoe iā lāua.
No ke aha e ʻeha nui ai e like me kona ʻeha
ʻAʻole ʻoe e hana keaka ana. ʻAʻole ka ʻeha ma hope o ka haʻihaʻi pilina he hōʻailona o kou pili nui loa a aloha ʻole iā ʻoe iho. Ke hana nei kou lolo i ka mea pono a nā lolo e hana ai ke nalo koke kekahi mea i hoʻolālā ʻia lākou e makemake.
Ua hoʻokomo ka loea kālaikanaka ʻo Helen Fisher a me kona mau hoa hana i nā kānaka a ko lākou hoa pili i haʻalele ai i kahi mīkini nānā lolo a hōʻike iā lākou i kahi kiʻi o ka mea i hoʻopau i ka pilina. ʻO nā ʻāpana i ʻā, ʻaʻole ʻo nā mea o ke kaumaha wale. ʻO ia nā ʻāpana i pili me ka hoʻoeu, ka uku, a me ke kuko, ʻo ke kaapuni hoʻokahi e alakaʻi ai i ka lahui maʻi. ʻO ka nānā ʻana i ka helehelena o kekahi i haʻalele iā ʻoe, kau ia i loko o ka lolo e like nui me ke kuko i kekahi mea hiki ʻole iā ʻoe ke loaʻa.
Haʻi kēlā iā ʻoe i kekahi mea pono. ʻO ka huki e leka iā lākou, e nānā i kā lākou kaha, e holo i ke kaʻa ma ka wahi āu i hālāwai mua ai, ʻaʻole ia he nāwaliwali. He kuko ia, e holo ana ma ka mīkini kahiko i kūkulu ʻia e mālama iā ʻoe i pili i nā kānaka āu e aloha ai. ʻAʻole e nalowale ia me ka ʻike ʻana i kēlā. Akā, hiki iā ia ke kāohi iā ʻoe mai ka hoʻohui ʻana i kahi papa ʻeha ʻelua, ʻo ka hilahila o "no ke aha hiki ʻole iaʻu ke lanakila wale ma luna o kēia," ma luna o ka mua.
ʻO ia hoʻi ke kumu e koʻikoʻi ʻiʻo ai ka manawa. Pau nā kuko ke hānai ʻole ʻia. I kēlā me kēia lā āu e ninini ʻole ai i ka wahie ma luna ona, ʻoi aku ka liʻiliʻi o ke ahi, ma nā lā nō i ʻike ʻole pēlā.
Ka pilikia o ka "manaʻo maikaʻi wale nō"
Aia kekahi inoa i kēia manawa no ke kaomi hauʻoli e hahai ana i ka haʻihaʻi pilina. ʻO ka manaʻo maikaʻi ʻawaʻawa. ʻO ia ke koi e mau ʻoe i ka hauʻoli me ka nānā ʻole i ka mea e hana ʻiʻo nei, a me ka ʻōlelo mālie ma lalo: he pilikia kou kaumaha e hoʻoponopono ai, ʻaʻole he manaʻo e ʻike ai.
Kani me he mea pōʻino ʻole lā. ʻAʻole holoʻokoʻa pēlā. Ke koi ʻia nā kānaka e nānā i ka ʻaoʻao ʻālohilohi ma mua o ko lākou mākaukau, ʻaʻole ka maha ka hopena maʻamau loa. ʻO ka mehameha. Aʻo ʻoe ʻaʻole hoʻokipa ʻia kou mau manaʻo maoli, no laila hoʻōki ʻoe i ka kaʻana iā lākou, a halihali ʻoe iā lākou hoʻokahi. Kuhikuhi nā loea olakino e kākau no kēia ʻo ka manaʻo maikaʻi koi ʻia hiki ke waiho i nā kānaka me ka hilahila o ke kaumaha maʻamau, a ʻoi aku ka liʻiliʻi o ka makemake e kiʻi i ke kōkua i ka wā e pono ai.
Aia kekahi pilikia hohonu aku nō. ʻAʻole haʻalele me ka maikaʻi nā manaʻo āu e hōʻole ai e ʻike. Ua ʻike ka noiʻi e hoʻohālikelike ana i ke ʻano e mālama ai nā kānaka i nā manaʻo ʻeha i kekahi ʻano paʻa: ʻo ka hoʻāʻo e kīpā i kekahi manaʻo i lalo, ʻoi aku ka ʻino o kona hana ma mua o ka hoʻokuʻu ʻana iā ʻoe iho e loaʻa ia. ʻO ka ʻae ʻana, ʻo ka hoʻokuʻu wale ʻana i ka manaʻo e noho ma laila, lanakila ia ma luna o ke kāohi i kēlā me kēia manawa. ʻO ke kaumaha āu e hoʻokuʻu ai iā ʻoe iho e ʻike, neʻe ia i waho. ʻO ke kaumaha āu e moni ai, kali pinepine ia.
No laila, ʻo ka lokomaikaʻi mua āu e hiki ai ke hana iā ʻoe iho, ʻo ia ka hoʻokuʻu ʻana i ka palena manawa. ʻAʻole ʻoe ʻaiʻē i kekahi i kahi ola hou ma kahi papahana. Ua ʻae ʻia ʻoe e kaumaha no kekahi mea i kaumaha.
E hoʻokuʻu iā ia e lilo i lilo ʻiʻo
Ma mua o ka hiki ʻana o ka haʻihaʻi pilina ke aʻo iā ʻoe i kekahi mea, e ʻae ʻia ia e ʻeha. ʻAʻole ke kaumaha iā ia he kūʻai. ʻO ia ke ʻano e pani ai ka ʻeha.
He mau mea e kōkua ai ʻoiai ʻoe i loko ona:
- E kapa i ka mea āu i lilo ʻiʻo ai. Kakaʻikahi he ʻo ke kanaka wale nō. ʻO ke kakahiaka Lāpule mau, nā henehene loko, ka mana o ka wā e hiki mai ana āu i hapa-kūkulu ai i kou poʻo. Lilo huikau ke kaumaha ke hoʻokuʻu ʻole ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e helu i nā mea a pau. Ua ʻae ʻia ʻoe e haʻo i nā hoʻolālā, ʻaʻole ʻo ka hoa wale.
- E hoʻōki i ka wehe hou ʻana i ka ʻeha. ʻO ka nānā ʻana i kā lākou kaha, ka heluhelu hou ʻana i nā memo kahiko, ka mālama ʻana i kahi ala ma o kekahi hoaaloha like, ʻike kēia me he pili mau lā. ʻO ka hapa nui, mālama lākou i ke kuko i hānai ʻia. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hana i kahi haʻi ʻōlelo keaka. Hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻōki mālie wale i ka hele ʻana ma kēlā puka kikoʻī no kekahi manawa.
- E ʻike iā ia i kou kino, ʻaʻole i kou poʻo wale. E uē inā hiki mai. E neʻe, e hele wāwae, e hiamoe, e ʻai i kekahi mea maoli. He kino ke kaumaha, a ʻo nā kumu āu e hāʻawi ai i kahi hoa maʻi, ʻo ia nā kumu āu e pono ai i kēia manawa.
- E hoʻokomo i nā kānaka, ka poʻe kūpono. ʻAʻole ka poʻe e hoʻowikiwiki iā ʻoe i ka ʻaoʻao ʻālohilohi. ʻO ka poʻe e hiki ke noho me ʻoe ʻoiai ʻo ka pōʻeleʻele a koi ʻole iā ʻoe e maikaʻi i kēia manawa.
ʻAʻole kēia e koi iā ʻoe e ʻimi i ka ʻaoʻao maikaʻi. Ke hana wale nei ʻoe iā ʻoe iho ma kekahi mea paʻakikī. Ua lawa kēlā hana no kēia manawa.
E hoʻopunipuni ana kou hoʻomanaʻo iā ʻoe
Aia kekahi mea ʻano ʻē a ke kaumaha e hana ai, a he pono ke aʻo. I nā pule ma hope o ka haʻihaʻi pilina, hoʻoponopono pinepine kou noʻonoʻo i ka pilina. Lilo nā ʻāpana ʻino i palupalu a powehiwehi. Loaʻa i nā ʻāpana maikaʻi he kukui pumehana. E ʻike ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e hoʻouluhua ana i ke ahiahi maikaʻi loa āu i loaʻa ai i kekahi a poina i ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa i hiki mai i ke kakahiaka aʻe.
ʻO kēlā ʻōnaehana kuko a ka lolo e holo ai, ʻo ia kekahi o ke kumu. Ke noho ʻoe i ke kāohi mai kekahi kanaka, hoʻomau kou noʻonoʻo i ka lawelawe ʻana i ka pahu kiʻekiʻe, no ka mea ʻo ka pahu kiʻekiʻe ka mea e makemake hou ai ʻoe iā lākou. ʻAʻole ia e hoʻopunipuni iā ʻoe me ka manaʻo. Ua hoʻoeu nui wale ia.
No laila, inā ʻike ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e noʻonoʻo ana "ʻaʻole paha ia he ʻino, ʻowau paha ka pilikia, e leka paha au," e kū mālie ma mua o kāu hana ʻana ma luna ona. ʻO kēlā manaʻo, ʻo ke kuko pinepine ia e ʻōlelo ana, ʻaʻole kou hoʻokolokolo akāka. He pale liʻiliʻi, pono: i kou noʻonoʻo pololei ʻana, ma kahi o ka pau, he mau kumu maoli paha kou. E kākau iā lākou ma kahi e loaʻa ai iā ʻoe. ʻAʻole no ka hānai ʻana i kahi inaina. I mea wale e loaʻa ai iā ʻoe kahi moʻolelo ʻoiaʻiʻo aku e nānā ai i ka pō e hoʻāʻo ai kou hoʻomanaʻo e kūʻai iā ʻoe i kahi moʻolelo kupua.
ʻO ia hoʻi ke kumu e hāʻawi ai nā kānaka i ka ʻōlelo aʻo no ka moku maʻemaʻe, a no ke aha he pono e lawe. ʻO kēlā me kēia launa hou, kēlā me kēia "e aloha wale," hāʻawi ia i ka pahu kiʻekiʻe i kiʻi hou a hoʻomaka hou i ka uaki o ke ola. ʻAʻole ka hoʻomaha he hoʻopaʻi, no lākou a nou. ʻO ia ke ākea e pono ai kou hoʻokolokolo e hoʻi i ka laina.
Ke kūkulu hou ʻana i ka ʻāpana ou i nalo
Lawe mālie kekahi pilina lōʻihi i ka ʻāina maoli i loko o kou ʻano. Kou mau hopena pule, kāu mau hana mau, nā hoaaloha āu i ʻike ai ma ke ʻano he paʻa, ka nīnau liʻiliʻi o ka lā o ka mea a lākou e noʻonoʻo ai. Ke pau ia, lilo ka nui o kēlā i kaʻawale. ʻO kekahi kumu e ʻike ai ka haʻihaʻi pilina he huikau, ʻaʻole he kaumaha wale, ʻo ia ka nalo ʻana o kekahi o kou ʻike o ka mea o ʻoe a me ke ʻano i hoʻokumu ʻia ai nā lā.
ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e kali no kēia ʻāpana. ʻOiai ke hana nei ke kaumaha i kāna hana lohi, hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻomaka, me ke akahai, e hoʻihoʻi i kou ʻano ponoʻī.
- E lawe i hoʻokahi mea i nou ma mua o lākou, a i ʻole āu i waiho i lalo no ka pilina. He leʻaleʻa, he pilialoha i lilo i mālie, he wahi āu i hele hoʻokahi ai a aloha.
- E kūkulu i kekahi mau heleuma liʻiliʻi i loko o ka pule. He hele wāwae mau, he kelepona Lāpule i kekahi mea e aloha ana iā ʻoe, he ʻaina mau āu e kuke ʻiʻo ai. ʻO ka manawa kaʻawale kahi e hana ai ke kuko a me ka hoʻouluhua i ka ʻino loa. Kīpaku ke ʻano akahai iā lākou.
- E hoʻokuʻu i nā pilialoha i lilo i "ko māua" e lilo hou i kou. Ke hauʻoli nō kekahi o nā kānaka āu i ʻike ai ma ke ʻano he paʻa e ʻike iā ʻoe ma ke ʻano he kanaka hoʻokahi. E hana paha ʻoe i ke koho mua. He pono pinepine ia.
ʻAʻole kēia e pili ana i ka noho paʻahana i ʻole ʻoe e ʻike i kekahi mea. ʻO ka mea kūʻē. Ke kūkulu hou nei ʻoe i kahi ola paʻa e hiki ai ke paʻa i nā manaʻo ʻoiai ʻoe me lākou.
ʻO ka mea hiki iā ia ke hōʻike, i ka manawa
Eia ka mana ʻoiaʻiʻo o ka mea a ka poʻe hauʻoli i hoʻāʻo ai e ʻōlelo, i wehe ʻia mai ke kaomi.
ʻO kekahi pilina e pau ana, ua hoʻolilo ia i nā mahina a makahiki paha e hōʻike ana iā ʻoe i nā mea no ʻoe iho, a i ka noho ʻana o ka ʻeha koʻikoʻi, lilo kekahi o kēlā i heluhelu ʻia. ʻAʻole ma ke ʻano he aʻo maʻemaʻe. ʻOi aku e like me kekahi mau ʻike mālie āu e koho ai e mālama.
E ʻike paha ʻoe i ka ʻokoʻa ma waena o ka mea āu i ʻōlelo ai e makemake a me ke ʻano āu i hana maoli ai. E ʻike paha ʻoe i kekahi ʻano āu i hana ʻoi aku ma mua o hoʻokahi, ke ʻano o ke kanaka āu e kiʻi ai, ka manawa āu e hāmau ai, ka mea hiki ʻole iā ʻoe ke noi. E aʻo paha ʻoe i kahi o kou mau palena maoli, nā mea āu i hoʻohuli iā ʻoe iho mai ka mahalo. E ʻike paha ʻoe hiki iā ʻoe ke ola ma luna o kekahi mea āu i maopopo ai e uhaki iā ʻoe, ʻo ia kona ʻano ʻike ponoʻī.
ʻO ke kī, ʻo ka manawa. ʻAʻole kēia mau haʻawina āu e unuhi ai i ka lā ʻekolu ma o ka ikaika o ka makemake. Puka pinepine lākou ma ko lākou ʻano ponoʻī, he mau pule a mahina ma hope, i ka ʻauʻau a i ʻole ma kahi hele wāwae, i ka wā i hoʻōki ai kou ʻōnaehana aʻalolo i ke kani ʻana i ka pihe. Inā e hele ʻoe e hahai i ke ʻano me ka wikiwiki loa, e loaʻa pinepine iā ʻoe ka hoʻāhewa iā ʻoe iho e ʻaʻahu ana i kahi lole o ka ulu noʻonoʻo. E kali a hiki iā ʻoe ke nānā hope me ka ʻololi ʻole. A laila e nānā.
A ʻo kekahi mau haʻihaʻi pilina, ʻaʻohe haʻawina nui, ma waho aʻe o "ʻaʻole kūpono ia, a i kēia manawa ua pau." Ua ʻae ʻia kēlā nō hoʻi. ʻAʻole nā mea ʻeha a pau he makana huna. I kekahi manawa, ʻo ka mea hoʻokahi i koe, ʻo ia ka hiki ʻana o ʻoe ma loko ona, a aia nō ʻoe ma ʻaneʻi.
I ka wā e pono ai ke kaumaha i ʻoi aku ma mua o ka manawa
ʻO ke kaumaha haʻihaʻi pilina maʻamau, leo nui ia i ka hoʻomaka a mālie aʻe mālie. Hoʻomaka ʻoe e loaʻa i nā hola maikaʻi he nui aku, a laila nā lā maikaʻi he nui aku. ʻAʻohe papahana paʻa, akā ʻo ke kuhikuhi ākea ma luna o nā pule a mahina, ʻo ia i kahi paʻa aku.
He pono ka nānā pono ʻana i kekahi mau hōʻailona. Inā lilo nā pule i mahina me ka hoʻomāmā ʻole. Inā hiki ʻole iā ʻoe ke ʻai, ke hiamoe, a i ʻole ka hana ma ka hana a i ʻole me nā kānaka āu e mālama ai. Inā ke hilinaʻi nei ʻoe i ka waiʻona a i ʻole kekahi mea ʻē aʻe e hala ai nā ahiahi. Inā ua hāʻule ka ʻeha puʻuwai i kahi manaʻolana ʻole pālahalaha, kaumaha e hoʻoluʻu ana i nā mea a pau, a i ʻole ʻike ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e noʻonoʻo ana ʻaʻole pono ke ola.
ʻO ia hōʻailona hope loa: e ʻoluʻolu mai e kali ʻole hoʻokahi. E kamaʻilio me kou kauka, kahu olakino noʻonoʻo, a i ʻole he laina pilikia. ʻAʻole ke kiʻi ʻana i ke kōkua i ka wā e hoʻōki ai ke kaumaha i ka neʻe he pane nui loa, a ʻaʻole ia he ʻae ua lanakila ka haʻihaʻi pilina ma luna ou. ʻO ia ke kiʻi ʻana i ke kōkua kūpono no kekahi ʻeha maoli, e like me kāu e hana ai no kekahi āu e ʻike ai.
E aʻo ka haʻihaʻi pilina iā ʻoe i ka mea āna e aʻo ai. Noi wale ia e kaumaha mua ʻia. E ahonui iā ʻoe iho e like me kāu e ahonui ai i kekahi āu e aloha ai e hele ana i ka mea like loa. ʻAʻole loa ʻoe e ʻōlelo iā lākou e wikiwiki a maikaʻi aʻe. Mai ʻōlelo iā ʻoe iho pēlā kekahi.
Nā kumu
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- National Center for Biotechnology Information, Acceptance as an Emotion Regulation Strategy in Experimental Psychological Research
- HelpGuide, Coping with a Breakup or Divorce