Ka ulu ʻana ma ke ʻano he kanaka me ka ʻokoʻa ʻole

Eia kekahi makaʻu ʻaʻole ʻōlelo ka hapa nui me ka leo nui. Nānā ʻoe i kēlā ʻaoʻao o ka lumi i ke kanaka āu i kūkulu pū ai i kahi ola, a puka mai kahi manaʻo liʻiliʻi a kūpaʻa ʻole: pehea inā ʻaʻole mākou e hele ana i ke ala hoʻokahi? Ua lawe ʻoe i kahi hana hou, a ua hoʻōki i ka inu ʻana, a ua loaʻa kahi manaʻoʻiʻo, a ua ʻike ua nalowale kekahi iā ʻoe. Ua hoʻomaka lākou i ka holo, a ua mālie, a ua hoʻomaka e kamaʻilio no kahi wā e hiki mai ana āu i noʻonoʻo ʻole ai. ʻAʻohe mea hewa, ʻiʻo. Ua neʻe ʻolua a ʻaʻole maopopo iā ʻoe inā ua neʻe pū ʻolua.

He maʻamau loa kēlā makaʻu i nā pilina lōʻihi a pau, a ua mālama ʻia ma ʻelua ala ʻino. Mālama kekahi mau kāne wahine i kēlā me kēia loli pilikino me he kumakaia lā a ʻūmiʻi i kekahi i kekahi a liʻiliʻi a hoʻopaʻa ʻia nā kanaka ʻelua. Hoʻoholo nā mea ʻē aʻe ʻo ka ulu ʻana ʻo ka neʻe kaʻawale ʻana ia, a lana a hiki i ka pau ʻana o kahi mea e kaʻana ai koe wale nō ka hoʻolālā. Ke hoʻāʻo nei nā mea ʻelua e hoʻoponopono i ka pilikia maoli hoʻokahi, a hewa nā mea ʻelua. ʻAʻole ka pilikia ʻo kou loli ʻana. ʻO ka pilikia ʻaʻole ʻoe i kūkulu i kahi pilina e manaʻo ana e loli ʻoe.

ʻElua kanaka, ʻaʻole hoʻokahi kanaka i māhele ʻia

Manaʻo mālie ka nui o ke aʻo pilina ʻo ka pili ʻana ʻo ka like ʻana ia. Nā hana leʻaleʻa like, nā hoaaloha like, nā manaʻo like, ka Pōʻaono like. ʻOluʻolu, ʻae. Akā he hoʻolālā palupalu ia, no ka mea, ke ulu kekahi kanaka i kahi ala ʻaʻole kaʻana ʻia e kekahi, heluhelu ʻia ka hoʻonohonoho a pau me he māwae lā.

ʻO ke kiʻi olakino ʻoi aku, ʻelua kanaka piha e koho ana e kaʻana i kahi ola, ʻaʻole ʻelua hapalua e hoʻāʻo ana e hana i kahi pōʻai. Hoʻi pinepine ka poʻe noiʻi i ka mea hoʻokahi i ka nānā ʻana i ka mea e paʻa ai nā kāne wahine no nā makahiki he nui. Hōʻike maopopo ka helu a Cleveland Clinic o ka mea i ʻike ʻia o kahi pilina olakino: me ka hilinaʻi a me ke kamaʻilio maikaʻi, he koʻikoʻi like ka "ʻike ʻana i kou ʻano he kanaka a me ka ʻimi ʻana i kāu mau pahuhopu a me kāu mau moeʻuhane pilikino." ʻAʻole ʻoiai ka pilina. He ʻāpana o ia.

Hana ʻo The Gottman Institute, ka mea i nānā i nā kāne wahine i loko o kahi keʻena no nā makahiki he nui, i kekahi manaʻo e pili ana i ke kūʻokoʻa. ʻAʻole ka pōʻino he hoa me kāna mau hoaaloha, mau makemake, a me kona ola loko ponoʻī. ʻO ka pōʻino, ke peʻe kekahi kanaka iā ia iho a liʻiliʻi loa, ma ka inoa o ka mālama maluhia a i ka mālama pili, a ʻaʻohe mea i koe e noho ai i loko o kahi pilina.

Mālie ka neʻe kaʻawale. Nui ka ʻokoʻa.

Kōkua ka hoʻokaʻawale i ʻelua mea e like ana mai loko mai akā ʻokoʻa.

ʻO ka neʻe kaʻawale ka mea e hana ʻia ma ka mālama ʻole. ʻAʻohe mea i koho iā ia. Ua hoʻōki ʻoe i ka nīnau ʻana i ka mea e heluhelu nei a hopohopo nei kekahi, ua liʻiliʻi nā kamaʻilio i nā papa manawa a me nā keiki a me ka mea no ka ʻaina ahiahi, a i kekahi Pōʻakolu maʻamau ua ʻike ʻoe ua maopopo iā ʻoe ka hoʻolālā o ke ola o kēia kanaka a kokoke ʻole i kona ola loko. ʻO ka neʻe kaʻawale ka hōʻiliʻili mālie ʻana o nā nīnau i nīnau ʻole ʻia. ʻO ia hoʻi ka mamao maʻalahi loa e hoʻoponopono ai, no ka mea, ʻo ka mālama ʻole maʻalahi ke kumu, a hiki ke hoʻāla hou ka mālama.

Nui aʻe a kakaʻikahi ka ʻokoʻa. ʻO ia ke loli maoli nā kanaka ʻelua, e mālama ana lāua, i kā lāua makemake mai kahi ola. Makemake kekahi e holo mālie, a holo wikiwiki kekahi i kēia manawa. Loaʻa i kekahi kahi manaʻoʻiʻo e hoʻonohonoho hou i nā mea a pau, a hiki ʻole i kekahi ke hahai iā ia. He mea ʻoiaʻiʻo kēia, a pono e mālama koʻikoʻi ʻia ma kahi o ka hoʻomalielie ʻana. ʻO ka hapa nui o ka mea a nā kāne wahine e kapa ai "ulu kaʻawale," he neʻe kaʻawale maʻalahi e komo ana i ka lole o ka ʻokoʻa. Manaʻo ʻia he māwae hiki ʻole ke kaulahao a he mau makahiki nō o ka poina ʻana e nīele. ʻO ka nūhou maikaʻi, hiki maʻamau iā ʻoe ke ʻike i ko ʻoe ʻano ma ka hoʻāʻo mua ʻana i nā hoʻoponopono liʻiliʻi. Inā pani kekahi mau kamaʻilio ʻoiaʻiʻo a me ka mālama hou i ka hapa nui o ka māwae, he neʻe kaʻawale ia. Inā koe ka māwae ma kahi like ma hope o kou hoʻāʻo ʻiʻo ʻana, he mea kēlā e nānā lōʻihi a koa aku ai.

No ke aha e hiki ai i kahi pilina ke hoʻonui iā ʻoe

Aia kahi ʻāpana lana o ka noʻonoʻo e ʻike ai, no ka mea, hoʻohuli ia i ka makaʻu a pau.

Ua hoʻopau nā kālaiʻike ʻo Arthur lāua ʻo Elaine Aron i nā makahiki ma ka mea a lāua e kapa ai ʻo ke kumu hoʻonui-iho. ʻO ka manaʻo pōkole: ua hoʻonohonoho ʻia nā kānaka e makemake e ulu, e lawe i nā mākau hou, nā ʻano nānā, a me nā ʻike, a ʻo kekahi o nā ala nui e hana ai mākou pēlā, ma o ka poʻe a mākou e aloha ai. Ke pili ʻoe i kekahi, lawe ʻoe i nā ʻāpana o lākou. Ko lākou ʻimi naʻauao, ko lākou koa, ko lākou ʻano nānā. Lilo ʻoe i ʻoi aku ma mua o kou hoʻokahi.

ʻO ia ka nūhou maikaʻi e peʻe ana i loko o kou makaʻu o ka ulu kaʻawale. ʻAʻole pono kāu hoa e mālama iā ʻoe i ke ʻano like. Kōkua kahi hoa maikaʻi iā ʻoe e lilo i ʻoi aku ʻoe iho. Ua ʻike kā lāua noiʻi ʻo ka manaʻo o ka wahi e ulu ai e wānana i ka māʻona a me ka paʻa o nā kāne wahine, a ʻo nā kāne wahine e kaʻana i nā ʻike hou a ʻano paʻakikī iki e ʻano kokoke aku ma mua o ka poʻe e holo ana i ke poʻai like i kēlā me kēia makahiki.

No laila, ʻaʻole ka pahuhopu ka hoʻōki ʻana i ka loli. ʻO ia ka mau ʻana o ka loli ma ke ʻano e huki ai iā ʻolua i kekahi i kekahi ma kahi o ka neʻe ʻana ma kekahi i kekahi.

Ke ʻano ou hiki iā lākou ke ʻike

Aia kahi ʻāpana noiʻi ʻelua aʻu i ʻike ai he hoʻohuli mālie. Ua kapa ʻo Caryl Rusbult lāua ʻo Stephen Drigotas i kēia ka hanana Michelangelo, ma hope o ka manaʻo ua ʻike ke kālai i ke kiʻi e kali ana i loko o ka pōhaku marble a hoʻokuʻu wale iā ia.

Hana nā hoa maikaʻi i kekahi mea e like me ia no kekahi i kekahi. Ma nā noiʻi he nui, ua ʻike lākou ke mālama mau kekahi kanaka i kāna hoa me he kanaka lā āna e makemake nui ai e lilo, neʻe maoli ka hoa i kēlā kanaka kūpono i ka manawa, a hōʻike nā mea ʻelua i kahi pilina ikaika a paʻa aku. Hiki ke kālai ʻia ʻoe i ka mea āu e hoʻāʻo nei e lilo e kekahi hiki iā ia ke ʻike ma mua ou.

He ʻoiaʻiʻo ka ʻaoʻao ʻokoʻa a pono e haʻi. Hiki i kahi hoa e hōʻike wale ana i kou ʻano liʻiliʻi a paʻa loa, ka mea e hoʻomanaʻo ana iā ʻoe i kēlā me kēia hāʻule kahiko a ʻolokaʻa i nā maka i kēlā me kēia manaʻolana hou, ke kālai iā ʻoe i lalo. ʻAʻole ka hapa nui o mākou e hana ana pēlā me ka manaʻo. Hana mākou i ia ma ka hoʻoweliweli ʻia, ma ka mālama ʻana i ka ulu o kahi hoa he hoʻopaʻi iā mākou. ʻO ka ʻike i ka hana he hapalua o ka lapaʻau.

Ke ʻano he hoʻoweliweli ko lākou ulu

Eia ka manawa e hana ai i ka hapa nui o ka pōʻino mālie. Loli kāu hoa i ka maikaʻi, a ma kahi o ka hauʻoli, manaʻo ʻoe i kekahi mea anu a liʻiliʻi. Lilo lākou i ʻoi aku ke olakino, ʻoi aku ka hilinaʻi, ʻoi aku ka kūleʻa, ʻoi aku ka maopopo o kā lākou manaʻoʻiʻo, a ʻano ʻaʻe kekahi ʻāpana ou. ʻAʻole paha ʻoe e ʻae iā ʻoe iho, no laila puka ia ma ka ʻaoʻao, ma ke ʻano he hoʻomāʻewaʻewa me ka ʻoi, ma ke ʻano he lohi wāwae, ma ke ʻano he nele koke o ka makemake i ka mea a lākou e hauʻoli ai.

ʻAʻole maʻamau kēlā ʻano no lākou. He moʻolelo āu e haʻi nei iā ʻoe iho ma lalo: inā ulu lākou a ʻole au, e ulu aku lākou ma mua oʻu. Inā emi ko lākou pono iaʻu, emi ko lākou makemake iaʻu. He pono e haʻi maopopo he pane maʻamau a kanaka kēia a he pahele nō. ʻAʻole ka ulu o kahi hoa he hoʻoemi mai iā ʻoe. Kuhikuhi ke noiʻi i ka hoʻonui-iho ma ke ala ʻē. Ke pili ʻoe i kekahi e lilo ana i ʻoi aku ke akamai a ola, lawe maʻamau ʻoe i kekahi o ia, ʻaʻole ʻoe e nalowale i ka honua.

ʻO ka hana, ke loaʻa iā ʻoe ka lohi wāwae, e haʻi iā ʻoe iho a e koho i ka hana kūʻē. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e ʻano lokomaikaʻi e hana lokomaikaʻi. E nīnau i ka nīnau ʻimi naʻauao. E hele i ka mea. Hahai pinepine ka manaʻo mahana i ka hana mahana ma kahi o ke ala ʻē. A inā nui ka makaʻu ma lalo, ʻo kou kū mālie ʻana i ka neʻe o lākou, ʻaʻole ka pane ka hoʻolohi iā lākou. ʻO ka pane ka ʻimi ʻana i kāu mea hou e ulu ai.

Pehea e mau ai ka ulu ma ka hui hoʻokahi

ʻAʻole hana wale kēia. Hana pinepine ka poʻe i hiki me ka manaʻo i kekahi mau mea ʻano hanohano ʻole.

• E mālama i kahi kaʻawale liʻiliʻi, me ka leo nui. Kāu mau hoaaloha ponoʻī, kāu ʻimi ponoʻī, kahi ahiahi nou. E haʻi maopopo he maikaʻi ia nou, i mea ʻole e heluhelu ʻia me he peʻe lā. ʻAʻole ka liʻiliʻi o ka wahi olakino he kūʻē i ka pili. ʻO ia ka mea e mau ai ʻelua kanaka hoihoi i ka hale.
• E mālama i ka ulu o kāu hoa me he nūhou lā, ʻaʻole he hoʻoweliweli. Ke hauʻoli lākou no kekahi mea hou, e ʻimi naʻauao ma mua o ka makaʻu. He puka ʻokoʻa ka "E haʻi mai iaʻu i kāu mea e aloha ai" ma mua o ka "He aha ka manaʻo o kēia no kāua." Hiki i ka nīnau ʻelua ke kali.
• E hoʻohou i kou kiʻi o kekahi i kekahi. Noho mau ka poʻe me kahi hoa i hoʻōki i ke ola ʻelima makahiki i hala a manaʻo mehameha ke ʻole ka pili o ke kanaka maoli. E nīnau hou i nā nīnau e kani maopopo ana. He aha kāu mea e hoihoi nei. He aha ka mea i loli iā ʻoe. He aha kāu mea e manaʻolana nei.
• E kūkulu i kekahi mau mea hou kaʻana. ʻAʻole pono ʻolua e hui i kēlā me kēia hoihoi, akā ua maopopo ke noiʻi hoʻonui-iho ʻo ka hana ʻana i kekahi mea hou pū, he papa, he huakaʻi, he papahana, he piʻi mauna paʻakikī, hoʻōla ia i ka pili ma ke ʻano hiki ʻole i ka hana hou ʻana i nā hana kahiko. ʻO ka mea hou i kaʻana ʻia he ʻupena.
• E hana i ka ulu i mea ʻolua e hana ai i kekahi i kekahi. E haʻi i ka ʻōlelo hōʻoia o ko lākou ʻano e lilo ana me ka leo nui. "Akamai ʻoe i kēia i kēia manawa." "Aloha au i ka mea āu e lilo nei." Ulu ka poʻe i ke ʻano o lākou iho e hiki i kekahi i hilinaʻi ʻia ke ʻike mua.

E ʻike i ka mea i nele i kēlā papa inoa. ʻAʻohe ona e noi i kekahi kanaka e liʻiliʻi. ʻAʻole ka hana ka hui ʻanuʻu i ka ʻanuʻu. ʻO ia ka noho hoihoi ʻiʻo ʻana i ke kanaka āu hoa e lilo nei, a me ka hoʻokuʻu ʻana iā lākou e noho hoihoi i kou.

Ke ʻano he māwae maoli

Koʻikoʻi ka ʻoiaʻiʻo ma ʻaneʻi, no ka mea, ʻaʻole kēlā me kēia mamao he kuhihewa hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻimi naʻauao i waho. I kekahi manawa, makemake maoli nā kanaka ʻelua i nā ola ʻokoʻa. He keiki a ʻaʻohe keiki. Kēia kūlanakauhale a kēlā. He manaʻoʻiʻo a he kūʻokoʻa hiki ʻole i kekahi ke kaʻana. ʻAʻole ia he pilikia kamaʻilio, a ʻo ka hoʻokuhihewa he hoʻolohi wale i ka kamaʻilio paʻakikī aku.

Inā ke poʻai mau nei ʻolua i ke kumuhana ʻeha hoʻokahi me ka loaʻa ʻole, a inā ua mālie kekahi o ʻolua a komo ka hoʻowahāwahā ma kahi o ka ʻimi naʻauao kahiko, he mea ia ʻoi aku ma mua o kahi pō hoʻolauleʻa. ʻAʻole ka loea pilina kāne wahine he hōʻailona o ka hāʻule o ka pilina. He kanaka mākau ʻē hiki ke kōkua i ʻelua kanaka e haʻi i nā mea ʻoiaʻiʻo a e ʻimi pū inā e kani like nā ala. A inā ʻike ʻoe ʻo ka ulu ka mau kūlou ʻana ou a me ka noho like o lākou, a ua hoʻohaiki kou honua i ka nui o hoʻokahi kanaka, e kamaʻilio me kekahi, he loea a i ʻole he hoaaloha hilinaʻi, no ka pili o ke kaupaona ʻana i kekahi mea e lilo ana iā ʻoe iho.

ʻAʻole ka hapa nui o nā kāne wahine e hopohopo ana no ka ulu kaʻawale e hāʻule maoli nei. ʻElua kanaka i mau i ke ola, mau i ka loli, a poina e hoʻolauna hou iā lāua iho. ʻOi aku ka liʻiliʻi a lokomaikaʻi o ka hoʻoponopono ma mua o ka mea a ka makaʻu e haʻi ai. E noho hoihoi i ke kanaka a lākou e lilo nei. E hoʻokuʻu iā lākou e noho hoihoi iā ʻoe. E koho mau, me ka manaʻo, e ulu i ke ala like. Hiki iā ʻolua ke noho i ʻelua kanaka piha a e hoʻi mau i kekahi i kekahi.

Nā kumu

• Cleveland Clinic, 12 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship
• The Gottman Institute, The Importance of Autonomy in Your Relationship
• Drigotas, Rusbult, Wieselquist & Whitton, Close partner as sculptor of the ideal self: behavioral affirmation and the Michelangelo phenomenon (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology)
• Aron & Aron, Self-expansion model (overview of the research)