Pehea e hoʻomau ai i ka launa ʻana me kāu hoa pili ma hope o nā makahiki he nui pū

Ma kahi o ke ala, ua pau ka launa. ʻAʻole ma ka manaʻo. ʻAʻohe mea i hoʻolaha. Ua walaʻau wale ke ola, a ua piha nā ahiahi o ʻolua i nā mea ʻē aʻe a pau: nā keiki, ka pahu leka, nā kīʻaha, ka hanu lōʻihi ma ka noho i ka hopena o kahi lā i lawe ʻoi aku ma mua o kāna i hāʻawi ai. Aloha mau ʻolua kekahi i kekahi. E ʻōlelo ʻoe me ka kānalua ʻole. Akā paʻakikī ke hoʻomanaʻo i ka manawa hope āu i noho ai e kū pono i kēia kanaka a manaʻo maoli i ke ahi āu i kau inoa ai.

Inā aia ʻoe ma laila, ʻaʻole ʻoe e hāʻule ana. He maʻamau ʻoe. ʻAuana nā pilina lōʻihi i ka holo ʻakomi e like me ka holo ʻana o ka wai i lalo. ʻO ka lono maikaʻi, ʻaʻole ke ahi he waiwai palena āu e hoʻolilo ai ma ke komo ʻana. ʻOi aku ke kokoke i kahi ʻiʻo. Pane ia i ka hoʻohana.

A ʻo ka hana o ka mālama iā ia, ʻaʻole ia he nui. He liʻiliʻi, hiki ke hana hou ʻia, a ʻoi aku ka hiki ke hana ma mua o ke kani o ka huaʻōlelo "aloha."

ʻO ke kumu e hoʻopōʻeleʻele ai ke kamaʻāina i ka ʻālohilohi

Ma ka hoʻomaka, he ʻimi lōʻihi kahi pilina. Hōʻike kēlā me kēia kamaʻilio i kekahi mea. He huakaʻi liʻiliʻi kēlā me kēia hele no ka mea ke hana nei ʻoe me kekahi mea hou, a ulu kou ʻike i kou ʻano e hana i wahi no lākou. Loaʻa i nā kāhuna noʻonoʻo e aʻo ana i nā kāne wahine i kahi inoa no kēlā ulu. Kapa lākou iā ia he hoʻonui-iā-ʻoe-iho, ka manaʻo o ka lilo ʻana i hiʻohiʻona ʻoi aku ka nui a hoihoi aʻe ou ma o ke kanaka āu me ia.

ʻO ka pilikia, pau ka ʻimi. Ma hope o kekahi mau makahiki, ua aʻo nui ʻolua kekahi i kekahi. Ua haʻi ʻia nā moʻolelo. Haʻalele mālie ka mea hou i hana i ka nui o ka hana koʻikoʻi ma ka hoʻomaka, a ʻo ke koe, ʻo ia ka ʻoluʻolu. He kupanaha ka ʻoluʻolu. He pālahalaha iki nō hoʻi ia, iā ia iho.

ʻO kēia ka ʻāpana e kūpono ke hoʻomaopopo akāka, no ka mea, hoʻololi ia i kāu e hana ai. ʻAʻole ka pālahalaha he hōʻailona ua koho hewa ʻoe a hāʻule mai ke aloha. He hiʻohiʻona wānana ʻia ia o ka ʻike maikaʻi ʻana i kekahi. Ua ʻike nā mea noiʻi e aʻo ana i ke kumu hoʻonui a Arthur Aron, ʻo nā kāne wahine e hoʻomau ana i ka hana ʻana i nā mea hou, paʻakikī iki pū, hōʻike lākou i ka pili a me ka ʻoluʻolu ʻoi aku ma mua o nā kāne wahine e paʻa ana i ka loina ʻoluʻolu like. ʻO ka mea hou, ma ka ʻōlelo ʻē aʻe, hiki ke hoʻihoʻi ʻia. ʻAʻole nalo ka ʻālohilohi. Ke kali wale nei ia i kekahi mea hou e hoʻomaka ai.

Hoʻomaka ka launa hou ʻana ʻoi aku ka liʻiliʻi ma mua o kou manaʻo

Ke hoʻoholo nā kānaka e "launa hou i kā lākou hoa pili," noʻonoʻo pinepine lākou i kahi mālama wahi. He mea mālama keiki, he pālule maikaʻi, he hale ʻaina me nā kāwele lole. He koʻikoʻi ia mau pō, a e hōʻea kāua iā lākou. Akā inā e kali ʻoe i ka ahiahi nui, e kali lōʻihi ʻoe, a noho ka pilina ma ka manawa waena.

ʻO ka manawa waena kahi e hana ʻia ai ka hapa nui o ka hana maoli. ʻO John Gottman, nāna i hoʻolōʻihi i nā makahiki e nānā ana i nā kāne wahine maoli ma kahi keʻena noiʻi i hoʻonoho ʻia me nā kāmela a me nā mea ʻike, ua ʻike ʻo ia ʻaʻole ʻo nā hoa pili e ulu ana ka poʻe e hana i nā hana hoihoi loa. ʻO lākou ka poʻe e hoʻomau ana i ka pane ʻana i nā hōʻailona liʻiliʻi a maʻalahi ke nalo o kekahi no ka manaʻo. Kapa ʻo ia i kēia mau hōʻailona he mau noi: he ʻōlelo no ke aniau, he lima ma kou poʻohiwi, "e hele mai e nānā i kēia," he hanu āu e koho ai e nīnau a e nānā ʻole paha. He kīkēkē mālie liʻiliʻi kēlā me kēia. *Aia ʻoe? ʻIke ʻoe iaʻu?*

He kupanaha nā helu. Ma kāna mau haʻawina, ʻo nā kāne wahine e noho hauʻoli mau pū ana ʻeono makahiki ma hope, ua huli lākou i ia mau noi ma kahi o 86 pākēneka o ka manawa. ʻO nā kāne wahine i kaʻawale, ua huli lākou iā lākou he 33 pākēneka wale nō. ʻO ka ʻokoʻa ma waena o kahi male e mau ana a me kahi ʻaʻole, noho pinepine ia ma ia mau manawa liʻiliʻi, poina ʻia, ʻaʻole ma nā lā hoʻomanaʻo.

No laila, ma mua o kou hoʻolālā ʻana i kekahi mea, e hoʻomaka ma ʻaneʻi:

• Ke ʻōlelo kāu hoa pili i kekahi mea liʻiliʻi, e nānā i luna mai kāu kelepona a pane me he mea koʻikoʻi lā. No ka mea, he koʻikoʻi nō ia. ʻO ia ka ʻiʻo holoʻokoʻa, ma laila nō.
• E nīnau i hoʻokahi nīnau maoli i kēlā me kēia lā, ke ʻano āu e nīnau ai i kekahi ma kahi launa mua. Hana ka "He aha ka ʻāpana maikaʻi loa o kou lā?" ʻAʻole hana ka "Maikaʻi, a ʻo ʻoe?"
• E hoʻopā ma ka hele ʻana. He lima ma ke kua, he honi e mau iki aʻe ma mua o ka honi aloha maʻamau.

ʻAʻole kēia mea e lilo i kālā a i manawa ʻole iā ʻoe. He hoʻohuli hou ia. Hoʻopau ʻoe i ka mālama ʻana i kāu hoa pili me he lako lā āu i hele ai i hoʻokahi tausani manawa a hoʻomaka e mālama iā lākou me he kanaka e kūpono ai ke ʻike hou.

E kūkulu i ka launa a puni ka mea hou, ʻaʻole wale ka ʻoluʻolu

Ke loaʻa iā ʻoe ka ahiahi i waho, e pale i ka huki i ka mea maʻamau. ʻO ka hale ʻaina like, nā kumuhana ʻelua like, ke kahua kaʻa like. ʻAʻohe hewa o kahi punahele ʻoluʻolu, akā ʻo kahi punahele ʻoluʻolu, mālama wale ia. Kakaʻikahi kona ahi.

ʻO ka mea e ʻā ai, ʻo ia ka hana ʻana i kekahi mea ʻaʻole i hana ʻia e kekahi o ʻolua. He pono loa ka noiʻi no ka hoʻonui-iā-ʻoe-iho ma ʻaneʻi: ʻo nā hana like he hou iki a paʻakikī iki, hana lākou i ka hou aku no ka pili ma mua o nā hana he ʻoluʻolu wale. ʻO ke ʻano ʻē iki o ka lilo ʻana i mau mea hoʻomaka pū, e ʻakaʻaka ana i ka ʻino o ʻolua i kekahi mea, hoʻala hou i kahi ʻāpana o ia mau lā mua i ka wā i hou ai nā mea a pau.

ʻAʻole pono ʻoe i kahi waihona kālā nui a i palapala hele. Kekahi mau manaʻo e ʻaihue:

1. E lawe i kahi papa e ʻano ʻino iki ai ʻolua a ʻelua. He hana ipu lepo, he ʻenehana kuke, he hula, he pana pua. ʻO ka hemahema like ke kumu.
2. E lilo i malihini ma ko ʻolua kūlanakauhale ponoʻī. E koho i kahi kaiāulu āu i hele ʻole ai a e hele wale wāwae iā ia. E ʻimi i ka hale hōʻikeʻike ʻē, ka wahi liʻiliʻi me ka laina ma mua.
3. E hoʻololi i ka mea nāna e hoʻolālā. E hoʻokuʻu i kēlā me kēia o ʻolua e hoʻolālā i kahi hele pūʻiwa ʻaʻole ʻike ke kekahi. ʻO ka hōʻike ʻia i kahi ʻaoʻao hou o kekahi āu i manaʻo ai ua palapala ʻoe, he leʻaleʻa liʻiliʻi ponoʻī ia.
4. E hana kino ke hiki. He hele wāwae, he kaʻa waʻa, he holo paikikala lōʻihi. He kakaʻikahi adrenaline like e heluhelu ʻia, i ka lolo, e like me ka leʻaleʻa no kekahi i kekahi.

ʻAʻole ʻo ka pahuhopu ka hana ʻana i nā ahi lele ma ke kauoha. ʻO ia ka hoʻomau ʻana i ka hāʻawi i ka pilina i mea hou e hana ai, i ʻimi hou ai ʻolua kekahi i kekahi ma kahi o ka hōʻoia wale i ka mea a ʻolua i ʻike mua ai.

E mālama i ka manawa, a i ʻole e nalowale ia

Eia ka ʻoiaʻiʻo ʻano ʻē o kēlā me kēia manaʻo maikaʻi ma luna. Inā e waiho ʻoe iā ia a hiki i ka manawa e makemake ai ʻolua a ʻelua, ʻaʻole ia e hana ʻia. ʻO ka manawa āu e pale ʻole ai, e hoʻolilo ʻia e ka mea e noi mua ai, a ʻo ka poʻe e noi mua, ʻo lākou pinepine nā keiki, ka luna, a me ke kelepona. ʻO kou pilina ka ʻāpana o kou ola e hoʻouna kakaʻikahi i kahi kono papa manawa. No laila, pono ʻoe e hoʻouna i hoʻokahi nona.

Kani kēia me he aloha lā e like me kahi hālāwai niho, a kūʻē ka nui o nā kānaka iā ia no ia kumu pololei. Kani ka hoʻonohonoho ʻana i ke aloha me he ʻae lā ua anu ia. ʻAʻole pēlā. ʻO kahi launa kū, ʻoiai he liʻiliʻi, he pā wale ia a puni kekahi mea āu i hoʻoholo ai e mālama. Kekahi mau ala e paʻa ai ka pā:

• E koho i kahi wahi maʻamau a mālama iā ia me he kuleana lā ʻaʻole ʻoe e haʻalele no kekahi mea ʻē aʻe. ʻO ka pō like i kēlā me kēia pule a kēlā me kēia ʻelua pule, paʻa ma nā papa manawa ʻelua, pale ʻia.
• E hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ke kūlana i ola maoli ai ia i kahi pule paʻakikī. Helu ʻia kahi hele wāwae ma hope o ka ʻaina. Helu ʻia kahi kofe ma kahi kakahiaka Pōʻaono ma mua o ke ala ʻana o ka hale. ʻO ke kumu, ʻo ia ka hola pale ʻia, ʻaʻole ka hana nui.
• E hana i kahi lula liʻiliʻi no nā kelepona. Hele lākou i kahi pahu, alo i lalo, ma ka hāmau, no ka lōʻihi. Lanakila hoʻokahi hola o ka manaʻo maoli ma luna o ʻekolu hola o ka hapalua hele.
• E hoʻololi i ka mālama keiki me kekahi ʻohana ʻē aʻe, a kaʻana i mea mālama keiki, i pau ai ke kumukūʻai a me ke kālai ʻana i ke kumu e hoʻopau mau ʻia ai.

ʻO nā kāne wahine e hoʻomau ana i ka launa, ʻaʻole lākou ka poʻe me ka manawa kaʻawale hou aʻe. ʻO lākou ka poʻe i hoʻoholo ʻo kēia hola ka mea kūʻē ʻole a laila hana e like.

E ʻōlelo leo nui i nā mea hāmau

Aia hoʻokahi ʻāpana hou, a ʻo ia ka mea maʻalahi loa ke lele no ka mea ʻano maʻalahi loa ia e hana. E haʻi i kāu hoa pili i kāu mea e mahalo ai iā lākou. Kikoʻī. Leo nui. Pinepine.

Pahee nā kāne wahine no ka lōʻihi i kahi hāmau ʻano ʻē e pili ana i nā mea maikaʻi. ʻIke mākou i ke kāwele i hāʻule a haʻi. ʻIke mākou i ke kofe a lākou i lawe mai ai, ke ʻano i mālama ai lākou i kahi kelepona paʻakikī, ka ʻoiaʻiʻo aia mau lākou ma ʻaneʻi, a ʻaʻole mākou e ʻōlelo, no ka mea, manaʻo ʻia a noho ʻōlelo ʻole nā mea i manaʻo ʻia. He kahe hāmau a lohi ia.

Ua ʻike nā mea noiʻi e aʻo ana i ka mahalo ma nā pilina ʻo ka mahalo liʻiliʻi, lā maʻamau, hana ia me he lāʻau hoʻoikaika lā. Ma kekahi haʻawina kaulana, ʻo nā kānaka i manaʻo a hōʻike i ka mahalo no nā lokomaikaʻi maʻamau, hōʻike lākou i ka pili hou aku i kā lākou hoa pili i kēlā lā aʻe, a pēlā nō ka hoa pili e loaʻa ana. Ua ʻike kekahi hana ʻē e hoʻohaʻahaʻa nā kāne wahine i ka nui o ka mahalo a kā lākou hoa pili e manaʻo maoli ai no lākou. Aia pinepine ka mehana. ʻAʻole wale ia e ʻōlelo ʻia, no laila ʻaʻole kekahi o lāua e manaʻo iā ia.

E hoʻāʻo e pani i kēlā āwā ma ka manaʻo. Ke hana kāu hoa pili i kekahi mea noʻonoʻo, e kapa iā ia. "Mahalo no kou mālama ʻana i ka manawa hiamoe, pono maoli wau i kēlā." Ke ʻike ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e mahalo ana iā lākou mai kekahi ʻaoʻao o ka lumi, e haʻi iā lākou ma hope. E ʻano hōʻike iki ia i nā manawa mua. E hana nō. ʻAʻole ʻoe e haʻi i ka mea maopopo. Ke hāʻawi nei ʻoe i kekahi i ka hōʻike e ʻike ʻia mau lākou.

Ke ʻano nui aʻe ka mamao ma mua o ka mea hiki i kahi launa ke hoʻoponopono

ʻAʻole kēlā me kēia kau maloʻo he kau maloʻo wale. I kekahi manawa, ʻoi aku ka ākea a kahiko o ka hoʻokaʻawale ʻana, a ʻaʻole hiki i kekahi mau ʻaina maikaʻi ke hōʻea iā ia. Inā manaʻo ʻolua me kāu hoa pili ʻoi aku ke kokoke i nā hoa lumi ma mua o nā hoa pili, inā pau mau nā kamaʻilio i ka hakakā like a i ka hāmau akahele, inā aia kahi huhū i ulu no nā makahiki, he ʻoiaʻiʻo ia mau mea a kūpono lākou i ka manaʻo maoli.

ʻAʻole ia he hōʻailona ua make ka pilina. He hōʻailona ia e pono ai ka ʻoi aku ma mua o ka mea hiki i nā kānaka ʻelua ke wehe hoʻokahi. ʻAʻole ʻo kahi kahuna lapaʻau no nā kāne wahine ka koho hope ma mua o ka pau. ʻIke ka nui o nā kāne wahine ikaika i kekahi me ko lākou ʻike ʻana i kahi kumu aʻo, e aʻo i nā mākau a hoʻomaʻemaʻe i nā mea i hoʻopūʻolo mālie. Inā ʻano nui loa ka hōʻea pū ʻana, ʻo ke kamaʻilio me kahi kahuna lapaʻau noʻonoʻo nou iho e pili ana i kou manaʻo, he wahi hoʻomaka kūpono loa ia.

A inā e waiho kekahi ʻāpana o kou pilina iā ʻoe me ka makaʻu, ka hoʻomalu ʻia, a i ʻole ka palekana ʻole i kekahi manawa, ʻoi aku kēlā ma mua o nā pō launa, a kūpono ia i ke kākoʻo mai kekahi i aʻo ʻia e kōkua iā ʻoe e noʻonoʻo iā ia. ʻO ka ʻimi ʻana i kēlā ʻano kōkua kekahi o nā mea ikaika loa hiki i ke kanaka ke hana.

No ka hapa nui o nā kāne wahine, akā, ʻo ka mamao, ʻo ka ʻano maʻamau ia, ka ʻauana lohi o nā kānaka hana nui ʻelua i hoʻopau i ka manaʻo. Hiki ke hōʻea i kēlā ʻano. Pelu ia i ka hoʻoikaika liʻiliʻi a kūpaʻa. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hopu hou i ka mea pono āu i ka hoʻomaka. Loaʻa iā ʻoe ke kūkulu i kekahi mea hiki ʻole i ka hiʻohiʻona mua ke hoʻopā, ʻo ka pili kūikawā o nā kānaka ʻelua i ʻike kekahi i kekahi ma o nā makahiki a e koho mau nei, i kēia pō, e huli kekahi i kekahi.

E hoʻomaka me hoʻokahi nīnau ma ka ʻaina. E nānā i kahi e hele ai.

Nā kumu

• The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
• PubMed Central, Planning date nights that promote closeness: The roles of relationship goals and self-expansion
• Greater Good Science Center (UC Berkeley), It's the Little Things: Everyday Gratitude as a Booster Shot for Romantic Relationships
• PubMed Central, Understanding the Links Between Perceiving Gratitude and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction