Inā aia ʻoe i loko o ka pilikia a i ʻole ke noʻonoʻo nei e hōʻeha iā ʻoe iho, ʻaʻole ʻoe hoʻokahi. Ma ʻAmelika Hui Pū ʻIa, e kelepona a kelepaʻi paha i 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, 24/7), e kelepaʻi iā HOME i 741741 (Crisis Text Line), a i ʻole e kelepona i 911 i ka wā pilikia. Ma nā wahi a pau o ka honua, hōʻike ʻo findahelpline.com i nā laina kōkua manuahi a mālama huna ma kou ʻāina ponoʻī a ma kou ʻōlelo ponoʻī. Inā aia ʻoe i loko o ka pōʻino koke, e kelepona i ka helu kelepona pilikia o kou wahi.
Aia kahi manawa, ma hope iki o ka makahiki mua a ʻelua paha, e ʻike ai kahi kāne wahine ua loli ke mele. Pōkole nā leka. Hoʻopau ʻolua i ka haʻi kikoʻī i ko ʻolua lā i kekahi i kekahi. Hiki iā ʻolua ke noho ma ka lumi like e heluhelu ana i nā mea ʻokoʻa ʻelua a kapa i kēia he pō maikaʻi. Manaʻo kekahi poʻe i kēlā he hōʻoluʻolu. Manaʻo kekahi i kahi hopohopo liʻiliʻi, pilikino: ʻo kēia anei? Ua nalowale anei kekahi mea?
ʻAʻohe ou mea i nalowale. Ua neʻe ʻoe.
He inoa a he kemikala ko ka wā mua o kahi pilina. ʻO ka wā mahaʻoi ka manawa e, ma ka ʻōlelo a ka Cleveland Clinic, "hoʻopiha ʻia" kou lolo me ka dopamine, ka kemikala o ka uku a me ka ʻiʻini. ʻO kēlā hoʻopiha ke kumu e ʻano lāʻau ai kahi hoa hou. Hāiki kou nānā iā ia. Pohihihi kona mau hemahema. Hiki ke mau he mau pule, mahina, a i kekahi mau hihia he mau makahiki, akā ʻaʻole ia i kūkulu ʻia e mau, a he luhi inā pēlā.
ʻO ka mea e hele mai ana ma hope, loaʻa iā ia ke kaulana ʻino ʻaʻole ia e pono ai.
He aha ka mea e emi maoli nei, a he aha ka mea ʻaʻole
Hoʻokaʻawale ka poʻe noiʻi i ke aloha ipo i ʻelua ʻano. Aia ke aloha ʻiʻini, ka mana wikiwiki, paʻa, hiki ʻole ke hoʻopau i ka noʻonoʻo iā ʻoe. A aia ke aloha hoa, ka mana aloha, hilinaʻi, kamaʻāina hohonu e ulu ai i ka hili ʻana o nā ola ʻelua.
ʻO ka hiʻohiʻona noiʻi ʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻo ka emi ʻana o ke aloha ʻiʻini. Ua ʻōlelo pololei ka loea noʻonoʻo ʻo Elaine Hatfield, nāna i noho i kona ola hana e aʻo ana i kēia: hāʻawi ke aloha ʻiʻini i "ka piʻi, e like me nā lāʻau, a ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke noho i ka piʻi a mau." Loaʻa i nā noiʻi mai nā makahiki he nui i hala ʻo ka emi ʻana o ka ikaika, e hoʻomaka pinepine ana ma hope koke o ka hana ʻana i kahi hoʻopaʻa.
ʻAʻole ke ʻano o ka emi ʻana o ke aloha ʻiʻini ua pau ka pili ʻana. Hoʻi hope ka dopamine, piʻi ke ʻano mehana, a hoʻomaka ʻoe e ʻike i ke kanaka maoli me ʻoe. Kani kēlā he hoʻonele. Ma ka hana ʻo ia ka puka i ke ʻano o ka pilina pili ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe me kahi malihini āu e ʻiʻini ai: ka ʻike ʻia, me nā hemahema, a me ka noho ʻana.
No laila, ʻo ka nīnau e koʻikoʻi ai, ʻaʻole ʻo "pehea kāua e hoʻihoʻi ai i ka huila," me he mea lā ʻo ka pahu hopu ka hoʻihoʻi ʻana i ka pilina i ka mahina ʻelua. ʻO ke ʻano e mālama ai ʻoe i ka mea hohonu e ulu nei, a me ke ʻano e mālama ai i kekahi mehana a me ka pāʻani ola ma loko ona.
ʻOi aku ke koʻikoʻi o nā manawa liʻiliʻi ma mua o nā mea nui
Inā ua manaʻo ʻoe i kekahi manawa ʻo nā kāne wahine ikaika ka poʻe me nā pō hoʻolauleʻa maikaʻi a i ʻole ka poʻe i hakakā kakaʻikahi, ʻōlelo ka noiʻi i ka ʻokoʻa. ʻO ka mea e wānana mālie ai inā e ola kahi pilina, ʻoi aku ka liʻiliʻi ma mua o kēlā.
Ua kūkulu ʻo John Gottman, nāna i hoʻopaʻa kiʻiʻoniʻoni i nā kāne wahine ma kahi keʻena hana a hahai iā lākou no nā makahiki, i kāna hana a puni ka mea āna e kapa ai he kāhea: kēlā me kēia hoʻāʻo liʻiliʻi e launa. "E nānā i kēlā manu." "Aue, he lā lōʻihi." He lima e kau ana ma kou poʻohiwi ʻoiai ʻoe e kuke ana. He kono liʻiliʻi kēlā me kēia kāhea, a hiki iā ʻoe ke huli iā ia (he nānā, he huaʻōlelo, he pane maoli), huli mai iā ia (he ʻūoho, ke kelepona), a i ʻole huli kūʻē iā ia (he ʻōʻōlea).
Eia ka ʻāpana e pono e noho ai. Ma ka noiʻi a Gottman, ua huli nā kāne wahine i ola hauʻoli pū ma hope o nā makahiki he nui i nā kāhea o kekahi i kekahi ma kahi o 86 pākēneka o ka manawa. Ua huli nā kāne wahine i kaʻawale a i ʻole i pōʻino ma kahi wale nō o ka hapakolu o ka manawa. ʻO ka ʻokoʻa ma waena o kahi male e mau a me kekahi ʻaʻole, ʻike ʻia ʻaʻole ma nā hakakā weliweli akā ma nā kaukani manawa ʻelua kekona ʻaʻohe mea i manaʻo he koʻikoʻi.
He lono maikaʻi kēlā. Ke ʻano o ka pilina pili ma hope o ka wā mahaʻoi, ʻaʻole ia i kūkulu hou ʻia ma o nā hana nui. Kūkulu hou ʻia ia ma ke kaʻa maʻamau o kahi Pōʻalua.
Pehea e huli pinepine aʻe ai
- Ke ʻōlelo kāu hoa i kahi mea liʻiliʻi, e hoʻopau i kāu hana no ʻekolu kekona a pane maoli. E kau i ke kelepona i lalo kona alo. ʻO kēlā hoʻomaha liʻiliʻi ka akamai holoʻokoʻa.
- E ʻike i kāu mau kāhea pū. ʻO "E hele mai e nānā i kēia" ʻo ʻoe ia e kīkoʻo nei. Inā kīkoʻo lākou, e ʻae iā ia ke pae.
- E hoʻoponopono wikiwiki ke hala. E huli mai ʻoe i kekahi manawa. ʻO "E kala mai, e haʻi hou mai, ua noho au ma loko o koʻu poʻo" e hoʻopau i ka hapa nui o ka pōʻino.
- E mālama i kahi papa hōʻiliʻili pilikino o ka mea e hele nei kāu hoa i kēia pule. He nīnau ma hope no ia kekahi o nā mea pili loa hiki iā ʻoe ke hana.
Ke kumu e hoʻā hou ai ka hana ʻana i nā mea hou pū i ka pili ʻana
ʻO ka ʻike paʻa ʻē aʻe pili i ka hou, a he kupanaha kona pili kino.
Ke noho kahi pilina i ka hana maʻamau, pālahalaha ka ʻike ponoʻī. Hoʻopau ʻolua i ke aʻo ʻana i nā mea hou kekahi no kekahi no ka mea ua hoʻopau ʻolua i ka loaʻa ʻana o nā ʻike hou. Kuhikuhi ka noiʻi a ka loea noʻonoʻo ʻo Arthur Aron i kahi hoʻoponopono he maʻalahi loa: e hana pū i nā mea hou a ʻano ʻiʻini. Hōʻike nā kāne wahine e hui ana i nā hana hou a hoʻoulu i ka pili a ʻoluʻolu aʻe ma mua o nā kāne wahine e hana wale ana i nā mea ʻoluʻolu, kamaʻāina. Loaʻa i kahi noiʻi ma hope no nā pō hoʻolauleʻa ke kaula like, ʻo ka hoʻolālā ʻana i kahi manawa pū ʻiʻini maoli e hānai ai i kahi manaʻo ulu, a hānai kēlā ulu i ka pili.
ʻAʻole ka mīkini ʻo ke aloha no ke aloha wale. ʻO ka hou e hoʻāla iā ʻoe. He adrenaline liʻiliʻi, kahi wahi malihini, kahi mea i ʻano hemahema ʻolua, a hoʻomaka ʻoe e nānā i kāu hoa e like me kāu i hana ai i ka wā he mea hou kona mau mea a pau.
ʻAʻole kēia e pono i ke kālā a i ʻole he palapala huakaʻi. He ala hou no ka hele wāwae. He meaʻai ʻaʻole kekahi o ʻolua i hana ai. He papa, kahi huakaʻi pōkole, kahi pāʻani, kahi papahana. ʻO ka manaʻo, he poʻe hoʻomaka pū ʻolua i kekahi mea, ʻoiai he pōkole.
ʻOi aku ka pilina pili ma mua o ka launa kino, a pono ka launa kino i ka mea ʻoi aku ma mua o ka ʻiʻini koke
Noho ka pilina pili ma kekahi mau lumi ʻokoʻa. Aia ka pilina manaʻo, ka hiki ke ʻōlelo i ka mea ʻoiaʻiʻo nani ʻole a hilinaʻi e mālama ʻia ʻoe. Aia ke ʻano kino, e komo ana ka launa kino akā pū kekahi i nā pā maʻamau ʻaʻohe pili: he lima ma ke kua, he pūliki lōʻihi, ka noho kokoke.
Ma hope o ka wā mahaʻoi, ʻo ka pā maʻamau pinepine ka mea mua e nalo mālie ana, a pono ia e mālama ʻia ma kona ʻano ponoʻī. No ka launa kino, ʻike nā kāne wahine he nui o ka manawa lōʻihi ʻo ka makemake ua hoʻopau i ka hele mai ʻona iho a pono e hana ʻia kahi wahi nona. ʻAʻole ka koho ʻana iā ia me ka manaʻo he aloha ʻole. No ka nui o ka poʻe, ʻo ka mākaukau e hoʻolālā a hoʻokōkoʻa i ka pili ʻo ia ka mea e mālama ai mai ka lana ʻana aku.
Hiki ke ʻano hilahila ke kamaʻilio no kekahi o kēia. E hana naʻe, me ka ʻoluʻolu, ma waho o ka lumi moe a ma waho o kahi hakakā. He kāhea pū ʻo "Hoʻomaka au e nele i ka pili ʻana iā ʻoe."
Ke ʻoi ka mamao ma mua o kahi mea ʻē aʻe
He maʻamau ka emi ʻana o ka piʻi mua. He mea ʻokoʻa ka mehameha mau ma loko o kahi pilina, a pono ia e lawe koʻikoʻi ʻia.
Inā ʻike mau ʻoe i ka ʻike ʻole ʻia, inā ua ʻawaʻawa nā kamaʻilio a hiki i ka hoʻowahāwahā a i ʻole ka pā pohaku, inā ua haʻalele kekahi a i ʻole ʻolua, he mau ʻano kēlā e hana mau ai kahi loea kāne wahine maikaʻi i kēlā me kēia lā, a ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi o ka manawa mua ma mua o ka hope. Hiki i kahi loea me ka laikini a i ʻole kahi kūkākūkā ma o kāu kauka a i ʻole kahi lawelawe e like me ka papa inoa o ka AAMFT ke kōkua. A inā aia kekahi mea weliweli i ka pilina, inā ʻike ʻoe i ka hoʻomalu ʻia, ka makaʻu, a i ʻole ka palekana ʻole, ʻaʻole kēlā he pilikia pili e hoʻoponopono pū ʻia, a pono ʻoe i ke kōkua maoli ma o ka nonoi ʻana i kahi laina kōkua hana ʻino home a i ʻole kahi loea āu e hilinaʻi ai.
ʻO ka mana maʻamau o kēia moʻolelo, akā, he manaʻolana. ʻAʻole ka ahi laniwela ka pilina. ʻO ia ka hoʻolaha. ʻO ka mea e ulu nei ma hope o ko lākou emi ʻana, mālie, ma nā nānā a me nā lokomaikaʻi liʻiliʻi a me ka huakaʻi i kekahi manawa, ʻo ia ka ʻāpana e mālama maoli ai ʻoe.
Nā kumu
- Cleveland Clinic, What Is the Honeymoon Phase and How Long Does It Last?
- American Psychological Association, The Love Drug: The eternal question, does love last?
- The Gottman Institute, Want to Improve Your Relationship? Start Paying More Attention to Bids
- National Center for Biotechnology Information, Planning date nights that promote closeness: The roles of relationship goals and self-expansion