Nā hana maʻa o ka pilina: nā hana liʻiliʻi e mālama paʻa ai i ke aloha

E noʻonoʻo i kekahi Pōʻalua maʻamau. Hoʻi mai kekahi o ʻolua i ka home, hāʻule i nā kī, a aia kekahi honi ma ka puka e mau ana i kekahi mau kekona ʻoi aku ka lōʻihi ma mua o ka pono. Hana ʻia ke kope e like me ka makemake o kekahi, me ka noi ʻole. He leka i waena o ke ʻauinalā e ʻōlelo wale ana, "ke noʻonoʻo nei au iā ʻoe." Pio nā kukui, a kiʻi kekahi o ʻolua i ka lima o kekahi ma ka pōuli.

ʻAʻole loa ia mau mea e lilo i moʻolelo āu e haʻi ai i kekahi ʻahaʻaina. ʻO ia naʻe nā minuke e hoʻoholo ai inā e mau ke aloha.

Manaʻo paha kākou ua mālama ʻia nā pilina ikaika e nā mea nui. ʻO ka huakaʻi piha makahiki. ʻO ka ʻōlelo nui. ʻO ka pilikia āu i hala ai me ka ʻaoʻao ʻaoʻao. He koʻikoʻi kēlā mau mea. Akā hana ʻia ka hana o kēlā me kēia lā e noho pili ai me kekahi i loko o nā ʻāpana liʻiliʻi loa, a ʻaʻole ka hapanui o kākou e aʻo e ʻike iā ia. ʻO ia ka manaʻo o kēia: nā hana mālie a hana hou ʻia e mālama ai i nā kāne wahine i ka manaʻo he kāne wahine lākou.

He aha maoli ka hana maʻa

ʻO ka hana maʻa o ka pilina kekahi mea liʻiliʻi a ʻolua e hana ai, me ka manaʻo a me ka paʻa, e ʻōlelo ana *ʻo māua nō māua.* ʻAʻole pono ia e naʻau nui. ʻAneʻane ʻaʻole ia e ʻano hanohano mai waho.

He mau laʻana, i maopopo:

• ʻO nā minuke ʻeono mua ma hope o kā ʻolua hui hou ʻana i ka hopena o ka lā, me nā kelepona i lalo.
• He pō ʻai lawe i waho i kēlā me kēia Pōʻalima, hoʻokahi nohouna, hoʻokahi hana keaka lapuwale.
• Ke nīnau ʻana, a kali maoli i ka pane, "pehea kou hiamoe?"
• He hele wāwae ma hope o ka ʻaina ahiahi, ʻoiai he pōkole.
• Ke ʻano e aloha aku ai i ke kakahiaka. He aloha maoli, ʻaʻole he "hele lā" i hoʻolei ʻia ma luna o ka poʻohiwi.

ʻAʻole koʻikoʻi ke ʻano ma mua o nā mea ʻelua: he hana mau ia, a ʻoiai ke hana nei, aia ʻoe ma laila maoli no ia. ʻAʻole he hana maʻa kekahi mea āu e hana ai ʻoiai e nānā kelepona ana. He kokoke wale nō ia.

ʻAʻole he hana hoʻoluhi ka hana maʻa

He mea kūpono e maopopo i ka ʻokoʻa, no ka mea hoʻokahuli mau nā kāne wahine iā ia. Mālama ʻolua i kekahi hale pū. Aia nā pā, nā papa manawa, ka hālāwai niho a kekahi keiki, he kāki i poina i kekahi. Pono kēlā mīkini hoʻonohonoho e hoʻomau i ka neʻe, akā ʻaʻole like ka mālama iā ia me ka pili. Hiki i ʻelua kānaka ke noho i ke ahiahi holoʻokoʻa i ka hui pono, e māhele i nā hana e like me nā hoa hana kūpono, a hoʻopau i ka pō me ka noho mehameha loa.

ʻO ka mea e hoʻokaʻawale i ka hana maʻa mai ka hana hoʻoluhi ʻo ka nānā. Hiki i ka ʻaina āu e kuke ai ke lilo i hana hoʻoluhi a i ʻole hana maʻa e pili ana inā ke kūlou ʻolua e hoʻopau iā ia a i ʻole ke kūʻai maoli nei i nā nūhou liʻiliʻi o kā ʻolua lā ʻoiai e ʻoki ana. ʻO ka hana like. He mea ʻokoʻa loa. ʻO ka mea e hoʻolilo i ka hana maʻamau i hana maʻa, no kēlā mau minuke liʻiliʻi, loaʻa i ka mea ʻē kou maka, ʻaʻole kou kōkua wale nō.

ʻO ia pū ke kumu e liʻiliʻi ai nā hana maʻa. ʻO kekahi mea āu e pono ai e hoʻonohonoho i kahi mālama keiki a me kahi noho, kaʻawale loa ia e hana i ka hana o kēlā me kēia lā. Ola ka pilina ma ka pinepine ma mua o ka nui. ʻO kekahi mea ʻelua minuke āu e hana ai ʻaneʻane i kēlā me kēia lā, e mālama paʻa i ka kāne wahine ma mua o ka pō hanohano i waho ʻelua manawa i ka makahiki. ʻO ka paʻa kona ʻano aloha leka ponoʻī.

Ka ʻepekema o nā mea liʻiliʻi

Maanei e hoihoi ai, no ka mea aia ka noiʻi maoli ma hope o ka manaʻo.

No nā makahiki he nui, ua nānā ke kanaka noʻonoʻo ʻo John Gottman i nā kāne wahine i loko o kekahi keʻena liʻiliʻi ma ke Kulanui ʻo Washington, e hoʻopaʻa ana i kā lākou kamaʻilio, hoʻopaʻapaʻa, a hāʻawi i ka pata. Mai kēlā kiʻi a pau, puka mai kekahi manaʻo maʻalahi: i ka lā holoʻokoʻa, hana nā hoa pili i ka mea āna i kapa ai he *koi* no ka pilina. He koi kekahi hoʻāʻo liʻiliʻi e loaʻa ai ka manaʻo a i ʻole ke aloha o kekahi. "E nānā i kēlā manu." "Auē, kuʻu kua." He kanikau. He hoʻomākeʻaka. Ma lalo o kēlā me kēia ʻo ka nīnau mālie like: aia anei ʻoe me aʻu?

Hiki iā ʻoe ke hana i hoʻokahi o nā mea ʻekolu me ke koi. Hiki ke huli i ona lā (e nānā i luna, e pane, e komo). Hiki ke huli i kahi ʻē (e nele iā ia, e noho i kou kelepona). A i ʻole hiki ke huli kūʻē iā ia (e ʻōniʻo, e hoʻolei aku). ʻO ka mea i paʻa i ka poʻe: ma waena o nā mea male hou, ʻo nā kāne wahine i pili mau ʻeono makahiki ma hope, ua huli lākou i ke koi o kekahi ma kahi o ka 86 pākēneka o ka manawa ma ke keʻena. ʻO nā kāne wahine i male hemo? Ma kahi o ka 33 pākēneka.

Nui kēlā hakahaka, a ʻaʻole ia i hana ʻia me nā hakakā hoʻowehiwehi. Hana ʻia ia me nā minuke liʻiliʻi he ʻumi tausani kahi i kiʻi ai kekahi a ʻo kekahi i kiʻi hou a i ʻole i ʻike ʻole ai. ʻO nā hana maʻa o ka pilina he ala wale nō e hoʻonui ai i kou pono. Kūkulu lākou i nā manawa mau a wānana e huli i kekahi i kekahi, i hilinaʻi ʻole nā mea a pau i ka hopu ʻana i kēlā me kēia koi i ka manawa pono.

Ua puka mai i ke keʻena o Gottman kekahi helu ʻelua e lawe. Ma nā pilina ikaika loa, holo ka lakio o nā manawa maikaʻi i nā mea ʻino ma kahi o ka ʻelima i hoʻokahi ʻoiai e hakakā ana, a ʻoi loa ma luna o kēlā i ka manawa maʻamau a maluhia pū. ʻAʻole ka manaʻo ʻaʻole loa e hoʻopaʻapaʻa nā kāne wahine maikaʻi. ʻO ia ua kūkulu lākou i kahi hāʻawi mau o ka mahana i hāʻule ai kekahi manawa paʻakikī ma luna o kahi uluna mānoanoa ma kahi o ka papa ʻole. ʻO nā hana maʻa liʻiliʻi ke ala e hana ʻia ai kēlā uluna. He liʻiliʻi i ka manawa, i ka hapanui o nā lā.

Ke kumu e mālama ai kou kino a me kou mau makahiki i kēia

Maʻalahi e waiho i kēia a pau ma lalo o ka "maikaʻi e loaʻa." ʻOi aku ka paʻa.

Ua hahai ka Noiʻi ʻo Harvard no ke Ulu ʻana o ka Makua i ka pūʻulu like o nā kānaka no nā makahiki ʻoi aku ma mua o kanawalu, e ʻimi ana i ko lākou olakino a me ko lākou hauʻoli ma waena o nā ola holoʻokoʻa. Ke nānā ka poʻe noiʻi i hope e ʻike i ka mea, ma waena o ka makahiki, i wānana maikaʻi loa i ka mea e ulu ana i kanawalu makahiki olakino a ʻoluʻolu, ʻaʻole ia ʻo ke cholesterol a i ʻole ka loaʻa kālā. ʻO ka māʻona o nā kānaka i ko lākou mau pilina pili ma ka kanalima makahiki. ʻO ka poʻe i pili paʻa i kekahi kanaka, ʻoi aku ko lākou maikaʻi, i nā makahiki ma hope, i ke kino a me ka noʻonoʻo.

ʻAʻole maikaʻi ka pilina no ka puʻuwai i ke ʻano mele wale nō. Hōʻike ka Mayo Clinic i ka poʻe me nā pilina ikaika a pili e ʻoi aku ka haʻahaʻa o ka helu o ka kaumaha a me ke koko kiʻekiʻe, a pinepine ola lōʻihi aku. Ua kūkulu ʻia kākou no ia. ʻO ka pili paʻa i kekahi kanaka kekahi o nā mea e haʻi ai i kekahi ʻōnaehana aʻalolo he palekana e hoʻomaha.

No laila ʻaʻole ka honi aloha a me ka hele wāwae ma hope o ka ʻaina ahiahi he mau mea naʻau hou wale nō. He mau waiho liʻiliʻi a hana hou ʻia i loko o kekahi mea, ma waena o kekahi ola, e koʻikoʻi like me ʻaneʻane nā mea a pau āu e hiki ai ke ana.

He mau hana maʻa e mālama ai

ʻAʻole pono iā ʻoe kekahi ʻōnaehana. Pono iā ʻoe kekahi mau mea liʻiliʻi āu e hana maoli ai. E koho i hoʻokahi a ʻelua mai ʻaneʻi, a i ʻole e hana i kāu ponoʻī. ʻO ka hana maʻa ʻoi loa ʻo ka mea kūpono i kou ola maoli, ʻaʻole ka mea e nani ai.

He aloha maoli a he aloha hele

Manaʻo ka pūʻali o Gottman i kekahi mea ʻaneʻane hilahila i ka maʻalahi: ma mua o ka hoʻokaʻawale i kēlā me kēia kakahiaka, e aʻo i hoʻokahi mea e ana i ka lā o kou hoa. Ke hui hou ʻolua, e loaʻa i kekahi kūkākūkā haʻahaʻa ma mua o ka lawe ʻana o ka hoʻonohonoho o ka ʻaina ahiahi a me nā kāki. He honi ʻeono kekona. He kamaʻilio ʻeono minuke. He mau helu liʻiliʻi, he mau hoʻihoʻi nui.

Hoʻokahi mea kaʻana na ʻolua wale nō

He hana keaka a ʻolua wale nō e nānā ai. He ʻaina kakahiaka Lāpule a ʻolua e hana pū ai. He hana maʻa o ka wā moe, ʻoiai he "ʻekolu mea maikaʻi o kēia lā" wale nō ma mua o ke pio ʻana o nā kukui. ʻAʻole koʻikoʻi he aha ia. ʻO ka mea koʻikoʻi he hālāwai hana hou e lilo ai i kāne wahine, ʻaʻole he ʻelua kānaka e mālama ana i kekahi hale wale nō.

E ʻike i nā koi āu e nele mau ai

No hoʻokahi lā, e nānā wale i ka pinepine o ka hana ʻana o kou hoa i kekahi kiʻi liʻiliʻi. Ka ʻōlelo no kekahi hoa hana. Ka "e hele mai e nānā i kēia." ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻokuʻu i nā mea a pau i kēlā me kēia manawa. Akā ʻo ka huli i nā mea hou aku, ʻoi aku ka pinepine, kekahi o nā maʻa hoʻihoʻi kiʻekiʻe loa i kekahi pilina. E hopu i ka mea aʻe me ka manaʻo.

E hoʻoponopono koke ke ʻōniʻo ʻoe

ʻAʻohe mea e huli i kēlā me kēia koi. E pōkole, hoʻokuli ʻia, luhi, kanaka ʻoe. ʻAʻole ka mea e mālama i kekahi pilina ʻo ka nele ʻole. ʻO ka hoʻi ʻana. "E kala mai, aia au i koʻu poʻo. E haʻi hou mai." He hoʻoponopono liʻiliʻi, i hāʻawi koke ʻia, e kāohi i ka minuke i nele i ka paʻakikī ʻana i mea maʻamau.

Ka mālama ola ʻana i nā hana maʻa ke paʻakikī ke ola

Eia ka hoʻomākeʻaka ʻino. ʻO nā kau āu e pono nui ai i kēia mau pilina liʻiliʻi, ʻo ia nā kau e nalo mau ai lākou. He pēpē hou. He makua maʻi. He kau hoʻomāinoino i ka hana. He kaumaha. Ke kaha lōʻihi ʻole ʻoe, ʻo ka mea mua e hele aku ʻo ka mea ponoʻī e mālama nei iā ʻolua, no ka mea ʻano kohoʻole ia ma ʻaoʻao o nā mea a pau e ʻuā nei no ka manaʻo.

ʻAʻole ia he koho ʻole. ʻO ia ka mea e ola ai i ke kau paʻakikī ma ke ʻano he kime ma kahi o ʻelua kānaka e haʻalulu kūʻokoʻa ana iā ia. He mau ala e mālama iā ia ke ʻaʻohe mea i koe i loko o ka pahu:

• E hoʻēmi i ka hana maʻa ma mua o ka hoʻokuʻu. Inā hiki ʻole ka hele wāwae ma hope o ka ʻaina ahiahi i kēia mahina, lawe kanakolu kekona ka nīnau aloha pō. He mana liʻiliʻi e mālama paʻa i ke kaula. Pono e kūkulu hou kekahi i hoʻokuʻu ʻia mai ka hoʻomaka.
• E hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ke kaupaku, ʻaʻole ka pinepine. Hiki i ka pilina i ke kau paʻakikī ke lilo i kāwili luhi o ka lima a me "he nui kēia, ʻeā." Helu ia. Helu nui ia. Mai kali i ka ʻano maikaʻi e kiʻi ai i kekahi i kekahi.
• E kapa i ka mea e hana nei me ka leo nui. ʻO ka "ʻaneʻane kamaʻilio ʻole kāua no ʻelua pule a ke hoʻolono nei au iā ʻoe" he koi nō ia, a he koi lokomaikaʻi. ʻO ka ʻōlelo ʻana iā ia e kāohi i ka mamao mai ka manaʻo hewa ʻia he kohoʻole.
• E mālama i hoʻokahi mokupuni liʻiliʻi. ʻOiai i nā mahina ʻino loa, e pale i hoʻokahi minuke hana hou na ʻolua wale nō. ʻEumi minuke. Nā minuke ʻeumi like. Lilo ia i ka mea a ʻolua e paʻa mālie ai.

ʻO nā kāne wahine e hala ana i nā kau lōʻihi a paʻakikī me ka pili mau, ʻaʻole pinepine ʻo lākou ka poʻe i hana me ka nani. ʻO lākou ka poʻe i kiʻi mau i kekahi i kekahi i nā ʻano liʻiliʻi, ʻāpuʻupuʻu, luhi, ʻoiai ʻaʻohe mea nui i koe iā lāua e hāʻawi ai.

Ke noho mālie nā hana maʻa

I kekahi manawa, heluhelu ʻoe i kēia a pau a ʻano ʻeha iki, no ka mea ua hala ka mahana āu e wehewehe nei i kekahi manawa. Lilo nā aloha i hana wale. Pau ke kiʻi. Ke kaʻana nei ʻolua i kekahi pā manawa a me kekahi kīhini a ʻaʻole nui aʻe.

He mea kūpono e lawe koʻikoʻi i kēlā, a ʻoi aku ka maʻamau ma mua o kou manaʻo, ʻoi loa ma waena o nā kau o ke koʻikoʻi, nā pēpē hou, ka maʻi, a i ʻole ke kaumaha. Pinepine, lawa ka hoʻomaka liʻiliʻi e hoʻomaka ai i kekahi hehe ʻana. E koho i hoʻokahi hana maʻa liʻiliʻi a hana iā ia no kekahi mau pule, me ka ʻōlelo ʻole. Maʻa ka pilina e kūkulu hou e like me ka ʻino ʻana: mālie, i nā minuke liʻiliʻi.

Akā holo kekahi mamao ʻoi aku ka hohonu, a ʻaʻole hiki i nā hana maʻa liʻiliʻi ke hoʻoponopono iā ia wale. Inā aia kekahi hoʻowahāwahā i lilo i maʻamau, inā pau mau nā kamaʻilio i ke ʻano ʻeha like, inā ua haʻalele mālie kekahi a ʻolua, hiki i kekahi kahuna lapaʻau kāne wahine maikaʻi ke kōkua i nā ʻano hiki ʻole i kekahi papa hana. ʻAʻole he hōʻailona ka ʻimi i kēlā kōkua i ka hāʻule o ka pilina. ʻO ia kekahi o nā mea aloha loa a ʻelua kānaka e hiki ai ke hana. A inā ua hoʻōki ka pilina e ʻano palekana, inā aia ka makaʻu, ka mana, a i ʻole kekahi ʻano hana ʻino, he kamaʻilio ʻokoʻa loa kēlā, a hele mua kou palekana, ma mua o kekahi hana maʻa.

No ka hapanui o nā kāne wahine i ka hapanui o nā lā, ʻoi aku ka palupalu o ka hana ma mua o kēlā. ʻO ka honi ma ka puka. ʻO ke kelepona i lalo no ʻeono minuke. ʻO ka lima e kiʻi ana ma waena o ka pōuli. ʻAʻole maʻamau ka haʻalele ʻana o ke aloha i loko o ka puka hoʻowehiwehi hoʻokahi. Haʻalele ia i hoʻokahi minuke i nele i ka manawa, ʻo ia ka manaʻo hiki ke mālama ʻia ma ke ala like. Hoʻokahi minuke liʻiliʻi i ka manawa, i kekahi Pōʻalua maʻamau, i koho hou ʻia.

Nā kumu

• The Gottman Institute, An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust
• The Gottman Institute, The Magic Ratio: The Key to Relationship Satisfaction
• Harvard Gazette, Good genes are nice, but joy is better (the Harvard Study of Adult Development)
• Mayo Clinic, Friendships: Enrich your life and improve your health