Nā ʻōlelo aʻo wikiwiki
- E nānā aʻe i ka wā e ʻōlelo ai lākou.
- E haʻi i ka manaʻo mahalo me ka leo nui.
- Ma hope o kekahi hakakā, e hui hou ma mua o ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa hou.
Ua manaʻo paha ʻoe i kona huki. Aia ma kahi i waho ke kanaka pololei, ka mea e kūpono ana me ka huki ʻole, ka mea e hoʻomaʻalahi ai i kēia a pau. A pēlā, ke paʻakikī ke aloha, ke hihia mau ʻoe a me kekahi āu e mālama maoli ai i ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa like, hoʻomaka kekahi leo liʻiliʻi e nīnau i ka nīnau hewa. ʻAʻole ʻo "pehea kāua e hoʻoponopono ai i kēia," akā ʻo "ʻaʻole paha ʻo ia ka mea hoʻokahi."
Loaʻa i ia leo kekahi inoa ma nā ʻaha noiʻi. Kapa ka poʻe loea noʻonoʻo iā ia ʻo ka manaʻoʻiʻo hopena: ka manaʻo mālie ʻo nā kanaka ʻelua, ua hoʻomākaukau ʻia lākou e noho pū a ʻaʻole, a he pono e holo wale ka hui pololei. Kani me he pōʻino ʻole lā. ʻO ia kekahi o nā manaʻo kaulana loa no ke aloha iā mākou. A no ka nui o ka poʻe, hoʻolilo ia i ke aloha i ʻoi aku ka paʻakikī, ʻaʻole maʻalahi aku.
ʻAʻole kēia he hoʻopaʻapaʻa kūʻē i ke aloha. He hoʻopaʻapaʻa no kekahi ʻano ʻokoʻa a ʻoi aku ka paʻa.
ʻElua ala e manaʻoʻiʻo ai i ke aloha
Ua hoʻolōʻihi ka loea noʻonoʻo ʻo C. Raymond Knee a me kāna mau hoa hana i nā makahiki e aʻo ana i nā moʻolelo a ka poʻe e lawe ai no nā pilina, a ua ʻike lākou e hāʻule pinepine ana nā moʻolelo i ʻelua hui.
ʻO kekahi ka manaʻoʻiʻo hopena. ʻO ka poʻe kiʻekiʻe ma kēia manaʻo, mālama lākou i ke kūpono me he mea āu e ʻike ai lā, me he ʻoiaʻiʻo paʻa lā no kekahi kāne wahine. He kūpono ʻolua a ʻaʻole. Heluhelu ʻia ka huki mua me he hōʻailona aʻo lā, he hōʻike ua koho hewa paha ʻoe.
ʻO kekahi ka manaʻoʻiʻo ulu. ʻO ka poʻe kiʻekiʻe ma kēia manaʻo, ʻike lākou i ka pilina me he mea i kūkulu ʻia ma waena o ka manawa. ʻAʻole ʻo nā pilikia he ʻōlelo hoʻoholo inā kūpono ʻolua e noho pū. ʻO ia ka hana maʻamau o nā kanaka kaʻawale ʻelua e aʻo ana kekahi i kekahi.
Mālama ka hapanui o mākou i kekahi hapa o nā mea ʻelua. Akā ʻo ka mea āu e hilinaʻi ai, ʻoi aku i ka wā paʻakikī, hoʻololi ia i kāu mea e hana ai ma hope. Ua ʻike ka noiʻi a Knee ʻo ka poʻe me nā manaʻoʻiʻo ulu ikaika aku, hoʻolālā lākou i ka hakakā me ka ʻeleu aku, noho paʻa aku i ka wā e hāʻule ai kekahi hoa pili i kekahi kūlana kūpono, a hoʻomanawanui i nā hoʻohōkū hiki ʻole ke pale. ʻO ka poʻe manaʻoʻiʻo hopena, ma kēlā ʻaoʻao, wikiwiki aku e heluhelu i kekahi wahi paʻakikī me he hōʻailona o ke kūpono ʻole kumu, a wikiwiki aku e hele i ka puka.
Eia ka pahele i ka moʻolelo hoa aloha. Hoʻonoho ia i kekahi hoʻāʻo hiki ʻole i ke aloha maoli ke hala. Pili ke aloha maoli i kekahi kanaka e nau leo nui ana, e koho ʻokoʻa ana ma ka mea wela ma mua o kāu makemake, a e hōʻeha i kou manaʻo i kekahi manawa me ka manaʻo ʻole. Inā ʻo kāu wehewehe pilikino o "ka mea hoʻokahi" he kanaka ʻaʻole loa e hana i ka huki, e hoʻoholo ʻoe i ka hope ʻo nā kanaka a pau ka mea hewa.
He aha ka mea i ʻike maoli ai nā noiʻi lōʻihi
Inā ʻaʻole ʻo ke kūpono ka mea huna, he aha ia?
No ia, kōkua ka nānā ʻana i nā kāne wahine i lanakila. Ua hoʻolōʻihi ka mea noiʻi ʻo John Gottman a me kāna mau hoa hana i nā makahiki he nui e nānā ana i nā kāne wahine maoli e launa ana ma kekahi keʻena noiʻi, a laila hahai iā lākou no nā makahiki i mea e ʻike ai ʻo wai i noho pū a ʻo wai i māhele. Mai ia mau hoʻopaʻa kiʻi, hiki iā lākou ke wānana, me ka pololei kupaianaha, he aha nā male e mau ai.
ʻO ka mea i hoʻokaʻawale i nā kāne wahine i lanakila mai ka poʻe i māhele, ʻaʻole ʻo ke ʻano kūpono o ko lākou helehelena, a i ʻole ka liʻiliʻi o kā lākou hakakā. Hakakā nō hoʻi nā kāne wahine i lanakila. ʻO ka ʻokoʻa, ʻo ia ka lākiō o ka pumehana i ka huki. Ma nā pilina kūpaʻa a hauʻoli, ʻoi aku ka nui o nā manawa maikaʻi ma mua o nā mea ʻino ma kahi o ʻelima a hoʻokahi, ʻoiai i waena o kekahi kūʻē. He hoʻāʻo hoʻoponopono. He hoʻomakeʻaka iki. He lima ma ka lima. He "pololei paha ʻoe" liʻiliʻi.
Ua wehewehe ʻo Gottman i ʻelua ʻano hoa pili. Nānā kekahi i ko lākou pilina no nā mea e mahalo ai, a haʻi lākou me ka leo nui. Nānā kekahi no nā hewa, e mālama ana i kekahi helu holo o ka mea a kā lākou hoa pili e hana hewa ai. Kūkulu ka hui mua i kekahi waihona o ka manaʻo maikaʻi e lawe iā lākou ma nā kau paʻakikī. Hoʻokahe mālie ka lua iā ia.
E ʻike i ka mea ʻano hoʻololi mālie o kēia. ʻAʻole pili kekahi o ia i ka loaʻa ʻana o kekahi hui hemolele. He pūʻulu ʻano hana ia. Nā ʻano hana hiki iā ʻoe ke aʻo, me kekahi kanaka āu e aloha mua nei.
ʻO nā mea liʻiliʻi ʻo ia nā mea nui
Aia kekahi manaʻoʻiʻo hoʻowalewale ʻo ke aloha, mālama ola ʻia ia e nā hana nui: ka huakaʻi pūʻiwa, ka mihi weliweli, ka lā hoʻomanaʻo e huā ai ka poʻe ʻē. Kuhikuhi ka hōʻike i kahi haʻahaʻa aku.
Ma kekahi ʻāpana no ka Greater Good Science Center ma UC Berkeley, wehewehe nā mea noiʻi pilina ʻo Suzann Pileggi Pawelski a me James Pawelski pehea e mālama ikaika ai nā kāne wahine e mau ana i nā manawa maʻamau ma mua o ke kali ʻana i ka hōʻea wale ʻana mai o nā manaʻo nui. ʻO kekahi ʻike a lākou e hōʻike ai, he maopopo loa e kau ma ka pahu hau: ʻo nā kāne wahine kahi e ʻike a hōʻike mau ai nā kanaka ʻelua i ka mahalo no ka mea a kekahi e hana ai, ʻoi aku ka nui o ko lākou hiki ke noho pū.
ʻO ia ka ʻāpana a ka moʻolelo hoa aloha e kuhihewa ai. Haʻi ia iā ʻoe ʻo ka hana ʻo ka ʻimi ʻana i ke kanaka pololei, a ke loaʻa iā ʻoe, mālama ke aloha iā ia iho. Hōʻike nā noiʻi ʻo ke aloha ka hana. ʻAʻole he hana ʻōhumu a ʻoliʻoli ʻole. ʻO ka hapanui ka ʻano liʻiliʻi o kēlā me kēia lā.
He mau mea e neʻe maoli i ka nila:
- E huli mai, ʻaʻole e huli aku. Ke haʻi kāu hoa pili no ka manu ʻano ʻē ma waho a hanu nui i kā lākou pahu komo, he kono liʻiliʻi ia no kou nānā. ʻO ka nānā aʻe a me ka pane, ʻoiai he pōkole, ʻo ia kekahi o nā waiho hilinaʻi loa hiki iā ʻoe ke hana.
- E haʻi i ka mea mahalo me ka leo nui. ʻAʻohe hana o ka manaʻo "laki au i ka loaʻa ʻana o lākou" inā noho ia i kou poʻo. Helu wale ka mahalo ke hōʻea i ke kanaka ʻē.
- E mālama i ka hoʻoponopono me he akamai lā, ʻaʻole me he koho lā. Ma hope o kekahi hakakā, ʻaʻole ʻo ka nīnau koʻikoʻi ʻo wai i pololei. ʻO ia inā hiki iā ʻolua ke hoʻi pū me ka lokomaikaʻi. ʻO nā kāne wahine e hoʻoponopono maikaʻi, ʻaʻole lākou he hakakā ʻole. He maikaʻi lākou ma ka hui hou ʻana.
- E manaʻo i ka manaʻo maikaʻi ke hiki. Hiki ke heluhelu ʻia ka holoholo i poina like me "ʻaʻole lākou e mālama" a i ʻole "he lā ʻino loa ko lākou." ʻO nā hoa pili me ka noʻonoʻo ulu, koho lākou i ka heluhelu lokomaikaʻi aku, a ʻo ia pinepine ka ʻoiaʻiʻo aku.
Kahi e waiho ai kēia iā ʻoe
Inā he hoʻokahi ʻoe, ʻo ka lono hoʻokuʻu, ʻaʻole ʻoe e ʻimi nei i kekahi hui hemolele e hoʻomaʻalahi i ke aloha. Ke ʻimi nei ʻoe i kekahi lokomaikaʻi, makemake, a e hele ana ma kahi ʻano like me ʻoe, kekahi āu e makemake ai e kūkulu pū. He maoli ke kūpono, akā kokoke aku ia i kahi lima hoʻomaka ma mua o kekahi hoʻohiki. Aia ka pāʻani i ke ʻano e pāʻani ai ʻolua.
Inā aia ʻoe me kekahi a ke hāwanawana nei ia leo kānalua liʻiliʻi, he mea pono e ʻike, ʻaʻole ʻo ke kānalua ponoʻī he hōʻailona ua koho hewa ʻoe. He hiʻohiʻona maʻamau ia o ke aloha ʻana i kekahi kanaka maoli ma waena o ka manawa. ʻO ka neʻe olakino aku, ʻo ia pinepine ke huli ʻana i ka pilina a mālama iā ia, ʻaʻole ka nānā mau ʻana inā kū ke kanaka i kekahi mea hemolele i noʻonoʻo wale ʻia.
A i kekahi manawa ʻoi aku ka paʻakikī o ka pane ʻoiaʻiʻo. ʻAʻole like ka mālama ʻana i kekahi pilina me ka hoʻomanawanui ʻana i kekahi e hōʻeha nei iā ʻoe. Inā manaʻo ʻoe i ka makaʻu i kāu hoa pili, ka mana ʻia, ka hoʻohaʻahaʻa ʻia, a i ʻole ka palekana ʻole, ʻaʻole ia he pilikia ulu āu e hana ai nāu iho, a ʻaʻohe papa inoa mahalo e hoʻoponopono iā ia. He manawa ia e kiʻi ai i ke kākoʻo maoli, mai kekahi kanaka āu e hilinaʻi ai, mai kekahi loea kāne wahine a pākahi i laikini ʻia, a i ʻole kekahi laina kōkua malū. ʻO ka makemake i ka mea ʻoi aku nou iho ma mua o ka mea a ka pilina e hāʻawi nei i kēia manawa, ʻaʻole ia he hāʻule o ke aloha. ʻO ia paha ka hana aloha loa āu e hana ai.
Hoʻohiki ka moʻolelo lapuwale i hoʻokahi kanaka hemolele. ʻOi aku ka maikaʻi o ka ʻoiaʻiʻo i hāʻawi ʻia, a loaʻa ia i ka poʻe he nui aku: ʻo ke aloha e mau ana, he mea ia a nā kanaka maʻamau a hemolele ʻole ʻelua e hana ai me ka manaʻo, he liʻiliʻi i kēlā me kēia manawa, ma o ka noho lokomaikaʻi ʻana i ka wā e maʻalahi aku ai ka noho ʻole pēlā.
Nā Kumu
- The Gottman Institute, The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science
- Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships, Implicit Theories of Relationships: Destiny and Growth Beliefs
- Greater Good Science Center (UC Berkeley), How Science Can Help Your Love to Last