Nobabili senivumelene ukuthi nizohlala phansi nikhulume ngemali kule mpelasonto. Leyo ivele iyingxenye enzima, futhi kusho okuhle ngani nobabili ukuthi ivele ikhona ekhalendeni. Okungekho kinina uhlelo, futhi ngaphandle kwalo ihora liyantanta liye kulowo okhathazeke kakhulu, okuyindlela ingxoxo ngemali eguquka ngayo ibe ukubuyekezwa kokuchitha komuntu oyedwa.
Isixazululo siyabhoringa futhi siyasebenza. Silisebenzise njengomhlangano, hhayi njengengxoxo. Usuku olufanayo inyanga ngayinye, imizuzu engamashumi ayisithupha, isibali sesikhathi etafuleni, uhlelo olungaguquki lokulandelana, nesinqumo esisodwa esibhalwe phansi ngaphambi kokuba omunye wenu asukume.
Lokhu akumayelana nokuxazulula izingxabano zemali ezindala, okungumsebenzi ohlukile. Lo ngumhlangano, into eyenziwa abantu ababili kanye ngenyanga ukuze izingxabano zibe yindlala. Iningi lezingxabano zemali ayikho ngempela ngemali, imayelana nokumangala, futhi umhlangano ungumshini wokususa ukumangala.
Singaqala kanjani ingxoxo ngemali ingaguquki ibe ukuhlolwa kwamabhuku?
Qalani ngokuthi ngamunye afunde izinombolo zakhe ngezwi elizwakalayo, kungavunyelwe ukuphawula kuze kube nobabili seniqedile. Lowo mthetho owodwa wenza okungaphezu kwanoma yiziphi izinhloso ezinhle, ngoba ukuhlolwa kwamabhuku ukulandisa komuntu oyedwa ngezinqumo zomunye futhi le ndlela yenza lokho kungenzeki ngokwakhiwa kwayo emizuzwini eyishumi yokuqala.
Kunesizathu sokuthi ukugwema kube yinto ejwayelekile. Abacwaningi base-Cornell u-Emily Garbinsky no-Suzanne Shu bathola ukuthi abantu ababesengcindezini yezimali enkulu kunabo bonke yibo ababenamathuba amakhulu okugwema ukukhuluma ngemali nabalingani babo, kanye ngoba babelindele ingxabano ababekholelwa ukuthi ayinakuxazululwa. Umsebenzi ofanayo wathola ukuthi lapho abalingani bebona ukungavumelani ngezimali njengento abangayixazulula ndawonye, babe nentshisekelo enkulu yokuqala ingxoxo.
Ngakho bekani uhlaka ngaphambi kokuba izinombolo zivele. Ningabantu ababili ababuka isimo esisodwa besohlangothini olufanayo lwetafula. Kushoni ngezwi elizwakalayo ekuqaleni, njalo, kuze kuyeke ukudinga ukushiwo.
Luyini uhlelo lokulandelana lomhlangano wemali nomlingani wakho?
Imizuzu engamashumi ayisithupha, izigaba ezinhlanu, uhlelo olufanayo inyanga ngayinye ukuze kungabi khona odinga ukuqondisa. Imizuzu emihlanu yokuvula, engamashumi amabili yokufunda izinombolo, eyishumi nanhlanu yokubheka okushintshile, eyishumi nanhlanu yokwenza isinqumo esisodwa, emihlanu yokuvala.
Nansi indlela yokulandelana, ebhalwe ukuze ukwazi ukuyisebenzisa namuhla kusihlwa.
- Vula, imizuzu emihlanu. Isibali sivuliwe. Umusho owodwa ngamunye ngalokho okuhambe kahle kule nyanga. Akulona nje isiko lokufudumeza, kuwuhlaka: niqala kulokho okusebenzayo.
- Funda izinombolo zakho, imizuzu engamashumi amabili. Ngamunye wenu ufunda izibalo zakhe eziyisithupha ngezwi elizwakalayo, ngendlela efanayo inyanga ngayinye: imali esesandleni, imali oyikweletayo, imali okweletwa yona, izindleko ezingaguquki, imali ekhululekile kule nyanga, umqamelo. Akukho ukuphawula komunye ngesikhathi omunye efunda.
- Okushintshile, imizuzu eyishumi nanhlanu. Manje seniyakhuluma. Kuphela ngomehluko kunyanga edlule, hhayi ngomlando wonke.
- Isinqumo esisodwa, imizuzu eyishumi nanhlanu. Sisodwa nje, esivunyelwene ngaso sabhalwa phansi. Akulona uhlelo, akulona uhlelo lwesistimu, ushintsho olulodwa.
- Vala, imizuzu emihlanu. Funda isinqumo emuva. Beka usuku lomhlangano olandelayo. Yimani, ngisho noma nisemsuka womusho lapho isibali sikhala.
Iyiphi imithetho emithathu evimbela izinto ukuba zingoni?
Emithathu, futhi ayixoxisaneki ngoba ngamunye wayo ususa ukwehluleka okuthile. Funda izinombolo zakho, ungafundi ezomlingani wakho. Akukho izinqumo emizuzwini engamashumi amathathu yokuqala. Futhi isinqumo esisodwa emhlanganweni ngamunye, sibhalwe phansi.
Umthetho wokuqala ususa ukuhlolwa kwamabhuku. Uma uzithola usho ukuthi "wena uchithe", usuwuphulile, futhi isixazululo ukubuyela ekolomu yakho. Umthetho wesibili ususa ukuhlaselwa ngokungazelelwe, ngoba isinqumo esenziwa emzuzwini wesithupha cishe njalo yisinqumo somuntu okhathazekile hhayi esabo bobabili. Umthetho wesithathu ususa ukubhidlika, okungumhlangano lapho abantu ababili bezama ukulungisa izinto eziyisishiyagalombili, bangavumelani ngalutho, bese bephetha ngokuthi izingxoxo zemali azibasebenzeli.
Kukhona into yesine engewona umthetho kodwa efanele ukwamukelwa: phakamisa into enzima ngobumnene nangokushesha kunokuyiphakamisa ngobukhali nangemva kwesikhathi. I-Gottman Institute isekela ukubheka kwesikhathi esimisiwe ngokwesizathu esifanayo, ukuthi isikhathi esijwayelekile sokusho okusebenzayo nalokho okudingayo kuvimbela izinkinga ukuba zingaqongelelani, futhi imibhalo yayo ngemali ibeka uhlaka njengani nobabili nibhekene nenkinga hhayi omunye nomunye.
Ingabe sidinga ama-akhawunti ahlanganyelwe ukuze senze lokhu?
Cha. Ihora lemali elihlanganyelwe limayelana nemininingwane ehlanganyelwe, hhayi ama-akhawunti ahlanganyelwe, futhi imibhangqwana eminingi iyilisebenzisa iminyaka ngamabhange ahluke ngokuphelele.
Umehluko ofanele ukwenziwa ngophakathi kwalokho nobabili okumele nikubone nalokho nobabili okumele nibe nakho. Kumele nikubone konke, ngoba inombolo umuntu oyedwa ayithwele yedwa yinombolo evela kamuva njengesimo somoya kunokuba iyimininingwane. Akudingeki nibe nakho konke. Abantu abaningi basebenzisa amabhodwe amathathu, elilodwa umuntu ngamunye nelilodwa elihlanganyelwe, futhi bathola ukuthi amabhodwe ahlukene akhipha ukushisa emhlanganweni kunokukufaka, ngoba ibhodwe langasese lingumngcele futhi imingcele yenza ingxoxo ehlanganyelwe ibe lula kunokuba nzima.
Noma yisiphi isakhiwo, vumelanani ngento eyodwa emhlanganweni wokuqala: inani lapho ngaphezu kwalo utshela omunye umuntu ngaphambi kokulisebenzisa, hhayi ngemva. Likhethe liphakeme ngokwanele ukuze kungabi khona kini ocela imvume yokuthenga ukudla, futhi liphansi ngokwanele ukuze kungabi khona okufika njengesimangaliso. Leyo nombolo eyodwa, evunyelwene ngaphambili, yiyona evimbela ukuchitha okujwayelekile ukuba kungaguquki kube ingxoxo obungayihlelile.
Kuthiwani uma omunye wethu ehola kakhulu kunomunye?
Nqumani ngezwi elizwakalayo ukuthi iminikelo isebenza kanjani, kanye, bese nikubhala phansi, ngoba ukwehluleka lapha akulona ukubala. Kungumuntu oyedwa ogcina amaphuzu ngasese ngesikhathi omunye ecabanga ukuthi kwasekuxazululiwe.
Imibhangqwana eminingi ifika enguqulweni ethile yeminikelo elingana nengeniso ezindlekweni ezihlanganyelwe, ukuze umuntu ngamunye asale nenani elifanayo lemali yakhe ngemva kwalokho. Leyo yimpendulo enhle futhi akuyona kuphela. Okubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi ikhethwe ndawonye, yashiwo ngamagama acacile, futhi ibuyekezwe lapho amaholo eshintsha kunokuba ivunyelwe ukuguga ngokuthula iminyaka emine.
Enye ingxenye yaleyo ngxoxo ayicaci kangako futhi ibaluleke kakhulu. Isikhathi salowo ohola okuncane asikhona ngokuzenzakalela isikhathi esishibhile. Umhlangano ophatha ingeniso yomuntu oyedwa njengomnikelo wangempela kanti konke okunye kuwusizo nje ngumhlangano ozothula kancane kancane, futhi umhlangano wemali othule ngowona osuzoyeka ukwenzeka.
Kungani isibali sesikhathi kuyinto ebaluleke kunazo zonke egumbini
Ngoba sisusa igunya kinina nobabili sililethe etafuleni, futhi yilokho okwenza lokhu kuphileke inyanga nenyanga.
Isibali sisho ukuthi umhlangano uyaphela. Akekho odinga ukuba ngumuntu owubiza ukuthi usuphelile, okusho ukuthi akekho odinga ukuba ngumuntu obonakala efuna ukuphuma. Kusho futhi ukuthi ihora linomkhawulo, futhi ihora elinomkhawulo yilelo nobabili enizovumelana ngalo futhi ngenyanga ezayo, kanti ingxoxo yemali engenamkhawulo yinto abantu abafunda ukuyesaba bese beyihlehlisa. Uhlelo lokulandelana lwenza umsebenzi ofanayo ngesizathu esifanayo: lapho ifomethi inquma ukuthi ubani okhulumayo nanini, akekho odinga ukuba nguye obeke imithetho.
Yenza lokhu izikhathi eziyishumi nambili bese kushintsha into ebaluleke kakhulu kunanoma isiphi isinqumo esisodwa oyenza kuyo. Imali iyeka ukuba yinto ezungezayo eniyithwele nobabili bese iba yisikhathi esihlelwe nesigcinwayo. Lokho kukhulula inqwaba yokunaka kwakwaLwesibili okujwayelekile, kini nobabili, futhi ukunaka yikho ebeniyokusebenzisa empilweni eniyakhayo ndawonye.
Imithombo
- Cornell Chronicle, The cost of silence: Financial stress mutes couples' communication
- The Gottman Institute, How to Have a State of the Union Meeting
- The Gottman Institute, Talking About Finances: A Touchy Topic Made Easier for Couples