Pehea e ʻōlelo ʻaʻole ai me ka ʻoluʻolu mau

E noʻonoʻo i ka manawa hope āu i ʻōlelo ai "ʻae" ʻoiai makemake kēlā me kēia ʻāpana ou e ʻōlelo "ʻaʻole." Ua hāʻule paha kekahi hoa hana i hoʻokahi hana hou ma kāu pā. Ua noi paha kekahi hoaloha i kahi lokomaikaʻi i ke ahiahi kaʻawale hoʻokahi āu i loaʻa ai i ka pule a pau. ʻIke ʻoe i ka piʻi ʻana o ka ʻaʻole, a laila nānā ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e ʻōlelo "ʻae, ʻaʻohe pilikia" akā me ka makaʻu mua.

Hana ka hapa nui o kākou i kēia no kahi kumu ʻoluʻolu. ʻAʻole mākou makemake e hoʻohaʻahaʻa i ka poʻe. Hopohopo mākou e hāʻule ka ʻaʻole me he hōʻole lā, e ʻeha ka mea ʻē aʻe a hoʻonāukiuki paha a manaʻo emi paha iā mākou. No laila, kūʻai mākou i hoʻokahi hola o ko mākou maluhia no kekahi mau kekona o ka ʻano ʻole i pale ʻia, a hana mākou pēlā a hana hou a hiki i ka kīkoʻolā ʻana a me ka huhū hāmau.

Aia kahi kuʻikahi ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi. Hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo "ʻaʻole" ma ke ʻano he ʻoluʻolu maoli, e mālama ana i ka pilina, a koi ʻole i kahi ʻōlelo kala lōʻihi. Pono iki ka hoʻomaʻamaʻa. Kūpono ʻo ia.

No ke aha i paʻakikī loa ai ka ʻaʻole

Inā paʻa kou ʻōpū i ka hōʻole ʻana i ka poʻe, ʻaʻole ʻoe i haki a ʻaʻole ʻoe nāwaliwali. Ke loaʻa nei iā ʻoe kahi pane maʻamau loa.

He maʻamau ka hewa, ka ʻano ʻole, a me ka ʻanapu o ka hilahila ke hoʻonoho ʻoe i kahi palena, ʻoi loa inā ua ulu aʻe ʻoe me ka mahalo ʻia no kou ʻano ʻae. ʻAʻole ʻo ka hewa ʻana e haʻi he hana hewa ʻoe. Pinepine, ʻo ia wale nō ka hana ʻana i kahi mea kamaʻāina ʻole. Hoʻoemi mau ka ʻano ʻole me kāu hoʻomaʻamaʻa, e like me kēlā me kēia mākaukau hou e pau ai ka ʻano ʻē me ka hana ʻana o kou kino i kekahi mau manawa.

Aia pū kekahi hewa noʻonoʻo hāmau e kūʻē ana iā ʻoe. Kuhi hewa nui kākou i ka ʻoi o ka hoʻāhewa o ka poʻe i kā kākou mau hōʻole. Kapa ka Greater Good Science Center ma Berkeley i kēia he harshness bias (kīhei o ka ʻoi), a he hoʻomaha ka noiʻi e kuhi ana: ʻaʻole e manaʻo emi ka hapa nui o ka poʻe iā ʻoe no kou ʻōlelo ʻana ʻaʻole, a he nui e mahalo nui aku iā ʻoe no ka akāka o kou mau palena. ʻAʻole pinepine e hiki mai ka pōʻino āu e hoʻomākaukau nei.

ʻAʻole like ka ʻoluʻolu a me ka loaʻa

He kōkua ke hoʻokaʻawale i ʻelua mea a kākou e hoʻopili pinepine ai: ka noho ʻana he kanaka ʻoluʻolu a me ka loaʻa mau ʻole.

Pili ka ʻoluʻolu i ke ʻano o kāu mālama ʻana i kekahi. Pili ka loaʻa i ka nui o ʻoe iho āu e hāʻawi ai. Hiki iā ʻoe ke mahana loa i kekahi a ʻōlelo nō naʻe i ka ʻaʻole. ʻO ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻaʻole ʻo ka ʻano loaʻa mau ou ka mea ʻoluʻolu loa. Ke ʻōlelo ʻoe i ka ʻae mai ka kīkoʻolā, kū ʻoe me ka luhi, ka pilikia o ka nānā, kahi huhū iki, a ʻike ka poʻe āu e aloha ai. He pinepine ka ʻoi aku o ka mahalo o kahi ʻaʻole akāka, i hāʻawi ʻia me ka mahana, ma mua o kahi ʻae āu e mālama mālū kūʻē ai iā lākou.

Aia kahi hōʻike he maikaʻi ka aʻo ʻana e ʻōlelo no ʻoe iho pēlā, ʻaʻole no kāu kalena wale nō. Ma kekahi hoʻokolohua i hoʻonohonoho kuʻaki ʻole me nā haumāna kulanui, ʻo ka poʻe i hele ma o ke aʻo kūpaʻa (assertiveness training), kahi he hoʻomaʻamaʻa hoʻonohonoho wale o ka ʻōlelo pololei a ʻoluʻolu, ua puka me ka emi o ke koʻikoʻi, ka piʻihau, a me ke kaumaha ma mua o ka poʻe i hana ʻole. ʻO ka mākaukau o ka ʻaʻole ʻoiaʻiʻo, me he mea lā e uku ʻo ia ma ke ʻano āu e ʻano ai, ʻaʻole ma ke ʻano o kāu pule wale nō.

Ke ʻano o kahi ʻaʻole ʻoluʻolu

He ʻekolu ʻāpana liʻiliʻi ko kahi ʻaʻole maikaʻi, a hiki iā ʻoe ke hele iā lākou i loko o hoʻokahi a ʻelua paha hopunaʻōlelo.

1. Ka mahana. E hoʻomaka ma o ka ʻike ʻana i ke kanaka a i ʻole ka noi. "Mahalo no kou noʻonoʻo ʻana iaʻu." "ʻIke wau he koʻikoʻi kēia iā ʻoe." Ke hōʻailona nei ʻoe ua kū mau ka pilina ma mua o kou hāʻawi ʻana i ka palena.
2. ʻO ka ʻaʻole ponoʻī, i ʻōlelo ʻia me ka akāka. ʻO kēia ka ʻāpana a ka poʻe e wikiwiki a kanu paha. E ʻōlelo me ka akāka. "ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke lawe i kēia." "ʻAʻole kēlā e holo iaʻu." Hoʻokahi hopunaʻōlelo maʻemaʻe e ʻoi aku ma mua o ʻelima i wili ʻia.
3. He puka koho, inā ʻoe i manaʻo maoli. I kekahi manawa makemake ʻoe e hāʻawi i kahi mea liʻiliʻi aʻe. "ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke alakaʻi i ka hanana holoʻokoʻa, akā hauʻoli wau e kōkua e hoʻonohonoho no hoʻokahi hola." E hāʻawi wale i ka mea āu e hauʻoli maoli ai e hāʻawi. ʻO ka puka āu i manaʻo ʻole, hana wale ʻo ia i ka pahele aʻe.

E ʻike i ka mea i nele: kahi puʻe o nā kuhikuhi. ʻAʻole ʻoe i ʻaiʻē i kekahi i kahi pale o kou manawa me he hoʻokolokolo lā. Kuhi ka Cleveland Clinic e ʻōlelo pololei i kāu palena, me ka ʻōlelo "wau" a me ka wehewehe ʻoi ʻole. ʻO "ʻAʻole wau e nānā i ka leka uila o ka hana ma waho o ka hola" he piha ia ma ona iho. Puka mai pinepine ka manaʻo koke e hoʻohui i nā kumu mai ka piʻihau, a heluhelu ʻia nā wehewehe lōʻihi he mau puka e kūkākūkū ai. E ʻōlelo i ka mea ʻoiaʻiʻo. A laila e hoʻōki i ke kamaʻilio.

Nā huaʻōlelo āu e ʻaiʻē ai

Inā paʻa ʻoe i ka manawa, he kōkua ka loaʻa o kekahi mau laina mākaukau ma mua o kou pono. Ua loaʻa i ka poʻe noiʻi ʻo kākou ka ʻoi aku ka makemake e mālama i kahi palena ke hoʻoholo mua kākou i kā kākou mau huaʻōlelo pololei, ma kahi o ka hana koke ma lalo o ke koʻikoʻi. E mālama i kekahi mau o kēia ma kahi e hiki ai iā ʻoe ke lawe:

• "Makemake wau e hiki, akā ʻaʻole hiki iaʻu ke lawe i kekahi mea hou i kēia manawa."
• "ʻAʻole kēlā e holo iaʻu, akā mahalo no kou noi ʻana."
• "E ʻae mai e nānā wau ma mua o koʻu hoʻopaʻa ʻana i kekahi mea." (He pane piha kahi hoʻomaha. Kūʻai ʻo ia i ke ākea nou e koho ai.)
• "ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke hana i kēlā. Lana naʻe koʻu manaʻo e holo pono."
• "ʻAʻole, akā makemake nui wau e ʻimi i kahi manawa ʻē aʻe e holo ai."

E ʻōlelo iā lākou ma ka leo mālie a kūlike. Hana ka leo i ka hapa nui o ka ʻoluʻolu. ʻO kahi ʻaʻole i hāʻawi ʻia me ka māmā a me ka makaʻu ʻole, haʻi ʻo ia i ke kanaka ʻē aʻe ua kūpaʻa ʻoe, ʻaʻole kēia he hōʻole iā lākou, a ʻaʻole pono lākou e mālama i kou hewa nou.

Ke kūʻē lākou

I kekahi manawa, ʻaʻole ʻae ke kanaka i kāu ʻaʻole i ka manawa mua. Koi lākou, kūʻai lākou, ʻeha iki lākou. ʻO kēia ka manawa e hoʻāʻo maoli ʻia ai kāu palena, a ʻo ia hoʻi ka manawa e hāʻule ai ka hapa nui o kākou.

ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻopaʻapaʻa a ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻohālike i ko lākou ikaika. He ʻoi aku ka hana a kahi hana hou mālie ma mua o kahi wehewehe hou. "Maopopo iaʻu, a he ʻaʻole nō ia." "Ke lohe nei wau iā ʻoe. ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu." Kapa ʻia ka hana hou ʻana iā ʻoe iho me ka huhū ʻole i kekahi manawa he broken-record (puke kani hou), a holo ʻo ia no ka mea ʻaʻohe mea e koi ai. ʻAʻole ʻoe e pale ana i kahi kūlana. Ke ʻōlelo wale nei ʻoe, hou, i kahi ʻoiaʻiʻo e pili ana i kou mau palena ponoʻī.

Inā mālama mau kekahi i kāu ʻaʻole me he noi mua o kahi kūkākūkū lā, he kūpono ke ʻike. ʻO ke kanaka e mahalo ana iā ʻoe, e lohe ʻo ia ma hope. ʻO kekahi i lohe ʻole loa, ke haʻi mai nei ʻo ia i kekahi mea e pili ana i ka pilina.

E hoʻomaka ma kahi māʻalahi

ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻomaka me ke kanaka paʻakikī loa o kou ola. E hoʻomaʻamaʻa mua me nā mea kūlana haʻahaʻa. E hōʻole i ke kūʻai hou ma ka hale kūʻai. E haʻi i kahi kamaʻāina iki ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hele me ke kuhi ʻole i kahi kumu. E ʻae iā ʻoe iho e ʻike i ka nalu liʻiliʻi o ka hewa, a nānā iā ia e hala me ka pōʻino ʻole. I kēlā me kēia manawa, ke aʻo nei ʻoe i kou ʻōnaehana aʻalolo he mea e ola ai ka ʻaʻole, e paʻa ana ka pilina, a ua ʻae ʻia ʻoe e lawe i ke ākea.

ʻAʻole paha e nalo loa ka hewa, a ʻaʻole pono. Hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike i kahi ʻano ʻole iki a mālama i kāu ʻaʻole i ka manawa hoʻokahi. Hiki i kēlā mau mea ʻelua ke noho pū. Me ka manawa, ʻoi aku ka hāmau o ka ʻano ʻole, a ʻo ka ʻano ou i hoʻomaha a ʻoiaʻiʻo, ʻo ia ka hoa ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi ma mua o ka mea i ʻōlelo "ʻae" i nā mea a pau a manaʻo ʻole i kekahi o ia.

I ka manawa i ʻoi aku ai ma mua o kahi loina

No kekahi poʻe, ʻoi aku ka hohonu o ka hiki ʻole ke ʻōlelo ʻaʻole ma mua o ka pono no ka hoʻomaʻamaʻa. Inā ʻo ka ʻōlelo ʻana ʻaʻole e hoʻopiha iā ʻoe i ka makaʻu maoli, inā ʻike ʻoe iā ʻoe iho e ʻae ana i nā mea e makaʻu a hōʻeha ai iā ʻoe no ka mea ʻike ʻia ka hōʻole hiki ʻole, a i ʻole inā ʻo kahi pilina kikoʻī e hoʻopaʻi iā ʻoe i kēlā me kēia manawa āu e hoʻāʻo ai e hoʻonoho i kekahi palena, he kūpono ka mālama koʻikoʻi. Hiki i kahi kahuna hoʻōla noʻonoʻo ke kōkua iā ʻoe e maopopo i kahi i puka mai ai ke ʻano a kūkulu i ka mākaukau ma kahi palekana. A inā pane kekahi i kou ola i kāu mau palena me ka hoʻoweliweli, e ʻoluʻolu e ʻimi i kahi loea a i ʻole kahi laina kākoʻo. ʻAʻole loa ʻo ka makemake e ʻoluʻolu e koi he hiki ʻole iā ʻoe ke palekana.

Nā kumu

• Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkeley, Five Research-Based Ways to Say No
• Cleveland Clinic, How To Set Healthy Boundaries
• American Psychological Association, Assertiveness (APA Dictionary of Psychology)
• National Library of Medicine / PMC, Efficiency of assertiveness training on the stress, anxiety, and depression levels of college students (Randomized control trial)