Nā hae ʻōmaʻomaʻo: ke ʻano o kahi pilina olakino i ka hoʻomaka

He papa kūʻʻana ka hapa nui o nā ʻōlelo aʻo no ke aloha hou. E akahele i ka pōkā aloha. E kānalua i ke kanaka e hōʻai e wehewehe i nā mea. E holo inā ʻino ʻo ia i ka mea lawelawe ʻai. He pono kēlā a pau, a he ʻoiaʻiʻo mākou. Akā aia kahi hakahaka ʻano ʻē ma loko. Inā aʻo wale ʻoe i ke ʻano o ka pilikia, hiki iā ʻoe ke pau i ka helu ʻana i kekahi kanaka ma kahi pae haʻahaʻa, ʻoluʻolu ʻaʻole ʻkekahi a kapa i kēlā he kūpono. ʻAʻole like ka nele o ka hōʻme ka noho ʻana o kekahi mea maikaʻi.

No laila e huli kākou iā ia. He aha nā hōʻailona mua he palekana maoli kekahi e hoʻomau ai i ke kokoke? ʻAʻole he kīnā ʻole. ʻAʻole kou hoa ʻuhane i ka pule ʻekolu. He kanaka wale nona ka hana, i kēlā me kēia manawa, e kuhikuhi ana i kahi pilina hiki maoli ke hāpai i ke kaumaha.

Kapa ʻʻia kēia i kekahi manawa he mau hae ʻōmaʻomaʻo, a ʻoi aku ko lākou mālie ma mua o nā mea ʻulaʻula. Peʻahi ka hae ʻulaʻula iā ʻoe. ʻAneʻʻole ʻoe e ʻike i ka hae ʻōmaʻomaʻo, no ka mea he kanaka wale nō e noho kūpaʻa a lokomaikaʻi ma ke ʻano e iho ai kou mau poʻohiwi.

No ke aha he paʻakikī ke ʻike i nā hōʻailona maikaʻi

He kumu e hopu ai nā hae ʻulaʻula iā kākou a e hala mālie nā hae ʻōmaʻomaʻo. Ua hana ʻʻia kou lolo e ʻike i ka hoʻoweliweli. He leo i hoʻokiʻekiʻe ʻʻia, kahi hoʻohiki i haki, kahi ʻālapa o ka hoʻowahāwahā, hoʻā kēia i kou ʻōnaehana aʻalolo no ka mea, ma kahi i hope o ko kākou moʻolelo, he pōʻino ka poina iā lākou. ʻAʻole ka kūpaʻa e hoʻā i kēlā hōʻ. Hana ʻo ia i ka mea ʻokoʻa. Hoʻomālie ʻo ia iā ia. A he maʻalahi ke kuhi hewa i nā mea e hoʻomālie iā kākou.

ʻO ke kumu ʻē aʻe, ua aʻo ka nui o kākou e huikau i ka ikaika me ka pilina. Inā mālie kahi pilina hou, hopohopo kākou e hōʻana ʻaʻole lawa ko kākou ʻ. No laila e kīkoʻo kākou i ka mana ʻano ʻē, ke ʻano piʻi-a-iho, a heluhelu i ka haunaele he ʻiʻini. Hiki i ka mālie ke ʻano luhi ke ʻano haunaele kou kahua. ʻAʻole ia he luhi. ʻO ia ka papahele e kū ai kahi pilina maoli.

Aia kekahi mana hohonu o kēia kekahi. ʻO ka mea e ʻano maʻamau iā kākou i ke aloha, ʻo ia pinepine ka mea a kākou i ulu ai a puni. Inā ʻano hiki ʻole ke wānana ke kokoke āu i ʻike ai i ka wā mua o ke ola, hiki i ka hiki ʻole ke wānana ke ʻano me he home, a hiki i ke kūpaʻa ke ʻano pālahalaha ʻano ʻē a hilinaʻi ʻole hoʻi. ʻAʻole kekahi o ia he hewa ʻano. ʻO kona manaʻo wale, ua ʻano kala iki paha nā hōʻailona āu e hana nei me ia, a ʻo ka mea mālie a lokomaikaʻi i mua ou ʻo ia maoli paha ka pololei ʻoiai ʻaʻole ia e hoʻā i nā ahi lele kahiko kamaʻ.

Inā ua hoʻolilo ʻoe i nā makahiki e nānā ana no ka mea ʻino aʻe, ʻo ke aʻo ʻana e ʻike i nā mea maikaʻi he akamai ponoʻī ia. He pono e kūkulu.

Nā hae ʻōmaʻomaʻo o kēlā me kēia lā

Eia ka mea e hewa ai nā kānaka: ʻo nā hōʻailona e koʻikoʻi loa ʻaʻole lākou he ʻ. ʻAʻole lākou ʻo ka huakaʻi nani a i ʻole ka haʻiʻnui no ka ʻokoʻa o ʻoe mai nā kānaka ʻē aʻe a pau. ʻO nā mea hilinaʻi he liʻiliʻi a hana hou ʻʻia. Kekahi mau mea pono e nānā mua.

He kanaka like ʻo ia ma nā lā ʻokoʻa

E nānā i ke kūpaʻa. ʻO ke ʻano o kona mālama iā ʻoe i kahi lā maikaʻi, ʻano like ia me kona mālama iā ʻoe i kahi lā māluhiluhi, koʻikoʻi, maʻamau. Mehana ʻo ia i ka Pōʻakahi a mehana mau ʻo ia i ka Pōʻahā. ʻAʻole ʻoe e ʻike iā ʻoe iho e mākaukau ana e ʻike i ka mana i ʻōʻili. ʻAʻole kēlā wānana hiki he luhi. ʻO ia ka mea i hana maoli ʻʻia ka hilinaʻi. Hoʻi mau ka American Psychological Association a me nā kauka e hana ana me nā kāne wahine i ka papa pōkole like ke wehewehe lākou i nā pilina olakino, a noho ka hilinaʻi ma ke kikowaena ona.

Huli ʻo ia iā ʻoe i nā manawa liʻiliʻi

Ua kākoʻo ʻʻia kēia e kekahi noiʻi nani loa o ke kahua. No nā makahiki, nānā ka loea noʻonoʻo ʻo John Gottman i nā kāne wahine maoli ma kāna keʻena noiʻi a hoʻopaʻa i kekahi mea āna i kapa ai he kīkoʻo, kahi hoʻāʻo liʻiliʻi e pili. He ʻōlelo no kahi manu ma waho o ka puka aniani. He wikiō ʻakaʻaka i kīkoʻo ʻʻia ma ka noho. He "ē, e nānā i kēia" mālie. ʻAʻohe mea ʻ. He kanaka wale e kīkoʻo, ma kahi ʻano liʻiliʻi, i ka mea ʻē aʻe.

ʻO kāna mea i ʻike ai, ʻaneʻhiki iā ʻoe ke wānana i ka wā e hiki mai ana o kahi pilina ma ka pinepine o ka huli ʻana o kēlā me kēia kanaka i kēlā mau kīkoʻo ma kahi o ka hala wale. Ma kāna noiʻi, ua huli nā kāne wahine i pili nō ma hope o nā makahiki i nā kīkoʻo liʻiliʻi o kekahi i kekahi ma kahi o 86 pākēneka o ka manawa. ʻO nā kāne wahine i hoʻokaʻawale ua hana lākou kokoke i ka hapakolu o ka manawa. ʻO ka ʻokoʻa ma waena o lāua, ʻaʻole ʻo nā hakakā nui. ʻO ia nā haneli manawa mālie o ka lā i kīkoʻo ai kekahi a ʻike a ʻike ʻole paha kekahi.

No laila ma ka hoʻohānau mua, e nānā i nā mea liʻiliʻi. Ke māhuahua ʻoe no kekahi mea, e hilinaʻi anei ʻo ia? Ke haʻi ʻoe i ka mea e piʻihau ai ʻoe, e hoʻomanaʻo anei ʻo ia e nīnau ma hope? ʻO ke kanaka e huli iā ʻoe i nā manawa koʻikoʻi ʻole ke hōʻike nei iā ʻoe i kāna mea e hana ai i nā manawa koʻikoʻi.

Lilo kou ola i nui aʻe, ʻaʻole liʻiliʻi aʻe

He hōʻailona mua maikaʻi ka mau ʻana o kou ola. ʻIke ʻoe i kou mau hoaaloha. Mālama ʻoe i kou mau loina, kou mau leʻaleʻa, nā kihi o ʻoe ʻaʻohe pili iā lākou. Hauʻoli kahi hoa olakino no kēlā. Niele ʻo ia no kou poʻe. ʻAʻole ʻo ia e ʻhuhū ke hana ʻoe i nā papahana me ka ʻole ona a hoʻokūkū mālie i nā mea āu e aloha ai. Hāʻawi nā kumuwaiwai e like me ke alakaʻi o ka Mokuʻāina ʻo New York no nā pilina olakino i ke koʻikoʻi maoli i kēia: mahalo nā hoa i ke kūʻokoʻa o kekahi a hiki ke hana i kā lākou hoʻoholo ponoʻī me ka makaʻu ʻole. Inā ke hoʻoliʻiliʻi mau nei kahi pilina hou i kou ao ma kahi o ka hoʻākea, he mea pono e nānā, ʻoiai ke hoʻolole ʻʻia he aloha.

ʻAʻole ʻano pōʻino ke kūʻē

ʻAʻohe kāne wahine e ʻae like i nā mea a pau, a ʻaʻole ka nele mua o ke kūʻē he hae ʻōmaʻomaʻo, ʻo kona manaʻo wale ʻaʻole ʻoe i pā i kekahi mea maoli. ʻO ka hae e nānā ai, ʻo ia ka mea e hana ʻai i ka manawa mua e pā ai. Hiki anei iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo "ua hōʻeha kēlā i koʻu mau manaʻo" a lohe maoli ʻo ia ma kahi o ka pale a anu? E hoʻoponopono ʻʻia anei kahi nahae liʻiliʻi, me kahi "he pololei ʻoe, e kala mai" ʻoiaʻiʻo, ma kahi o ka waiho ʻana e pala? ʻAʻole ʻo ka palekana i loko o kahi pilina ka nele o ka pā. ʻO ia ka ʻike ke hiki ka pā, e ʻimi ʻolua i ke ala e hoʻi mai ai.

Hana ʻo ia i ka wahi no ka ʻoe maoli

E nānā inā hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻoiaʻiʻo. Hiki anei iā ʻoe ke ʻōlelo ua māluhiluhi ʻoe, a i ʻole ʻaʻole ʻoe makemake e hele i waho i kēia pō, a i ʻole ua kau hewa kekahi mea āna i ʻōlelo ai, me ka hoʻomalu ʻole i kāna pane? Hiki anei iā ʻoe ke ʻae iā ia e ʻike i kahi mana lewalewa ʻole o ʻoe a nānā iā ia e noho? Holo pinepine ke aloha mua ma ka hana keaka, ʻolua ma ka ʻano maikaʻi loa. ʻO ka hae ʻōmaʻomaʻo ka manawa e hiki ai i ka hana keaka ke kala iki a paʻa nō ka pilina.

Hele ka hoʻoikaika i nā ʻaoʻao ʻelua

Ma ka hoʻomaka, he maʻalahi ke lilo i ka mea e hana ana i ka hana, e hoʻolālā i nā huakaʻi, e hoʻomaka i nā leka, e hāpai i ka kamaʻilio, a kapa i kēlā he hoa maikaʻi. E nānā paha inā e hālāwai mai ʻo ia iā ʻoe. Hoʻolālā anei ʻo ia i nā mea kekahi, a i ʻole ʻo ʻoe ke kalaiwa a pau? Ke kīkoʻo ʻoe, kīkoʻo hou anei ʻo ia me ka mehana like, a i ʻole ʻano me he hapa ʻanuʻu ma mua ʻoe, me ka manaʻolana? Hoʻi ka Cleveland Clinic, ke helu ʻo ia i nā hōʻailona o kahi pilina olakino, i ka hoʻolilo like: ke hoʻolaʻa like ʻana o nā kānaka ʻelua i ka pilina, ke hāʻawi like ʻana. ʻAʻole kaulike kahi pilina e ʻalualu ai kekahi a ʻae kekahi, ʻoiai he lokomaikaʻi loa ka mea e ʻae. ʻAʻole pono iā ʻoe e hoʻāʻo no ka makemake o kekahi. I kahi pilina maikaʻi, he makemake like a ʻʻoe iā ia.

Kau maikaʻi kahi "ʻaʻole"

Haʻi kēia iā ʻoe i ʻaneʻnā mea a pau. E ʻōlelo "ʻaʻole" i kekahi mea liʻiliʻi i ka hoʻomaka, kahi mea inu lua, kahi moe pō, kahi hopena pule i ʻōlelo mua ʻʻia, a e nānā i ka mea e hana ʻai. Lawe ke kanaka e maikaʻi nou i ka "ʻaʻole" me ka hakakā ʻole. ʻAʻohe hoʻolei hilahila, ʻaʻohe ʻ, ʻaʻohe hoʻouka lohi e hoʻoluhi iā ʻoe. Mālama nā pilina olakino i ka ʻae (consent) he mea i hāʻawi ʻʻia e nānā mau ʻʻia, ʻaʻole he keʻakeʻa e hala hoʻokahi. Kapa ke alakaʻi o ka Mokuʻāina ʻo New York i ka ʻae he kekahi o nā kumu o kahi pilina olakino, me ka hilinaʻi a me ka kamaʻilio, a ʻaʻole ia e pili wale i nā palena kino. E pili ana ia i ka pana, ka manawa, ke kālā, ka wikiwiki o ka neʻe ʻana o nā mea. ʻO ka mea e mahalo i kahi palena liʻiliʻi i kēia manawa ke hōʻike nei iā ʻoe e mahalo ʻo ia i kahi nui ma hope. ʻO ka mea e mālama i kāu "ʻaʻole" he pilikia e hoʻoponopono ʻ, ke haʻi mai nei kekahi mea iā ʻoe.

He hōʻnaʻau e hana maoli ana

Inā e huikau nā papa, eia kahi hōʻmaʻalahi aʻe. E nānā i kou ʻano i loko o kou kino ponoʻī a puni kēia kanaka no kekahi mau pule.

Me kekahi e maikaʻi nou, mālie pinepine kou ʻōnaehana aʻalolo. Hiamoe maikaʻi ʻoe. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hoʻomaʻemaʻe i kāna mau leka me kahi paʻa i kou ʻōpū. ʻIke ʻoe iā ʻoe iho he ʻaku, ʻaʻole emi aku. Mālie aku ʻoe i ke koena o kou ola, ʻaʻole pīhoihoi aku. He ʻikepili maoli kēlā manaʻo mālie. Mālama kou kino i ka helu inā palekana ʻoe ma mua loa o ka loaʻa o nā huaʻōlelo i kou noʻonoʻo.

He pono hoʻi e mālama koʻikoʻi i ka ʻ. Inā, me nā pule i hala, pīhoihoi aku ʻoe ma mua o ka mālie, e hele ana ma luna o nā iwi hua moa, e hoʻoliʻiliʻi iā ʻoe iho e mālama i ka maluhia, koʻikoʻi kēlā ʻoiai ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke kuhikuhi i hoʻokahi mea ʻāna i hana ai. He pilina kūpono nou ka mea e ʻano me he hoʻomāmā ka hapa nui, ʻaʻole me he hōʻāu e pilikia mau ai ke hāʻule.

Kekahi ʻōlelo akahai pono. Inā ke noho ʻoe me ka piʻihau, hiki i kou ʻōnaehana hōʻke pana hewa, e heluhelu ana i ka mālie he luhi a i ʻole e hae ana i nā kānaka palekana he hoʻoweliweli. A inā ua hōʻeha ʻʻoe ma mua, hiki i ke kokoke maʻamau ke ʻano makaʻu no ka mea he ʻano ʻē. No laila, he hōʻailona ka hōʻkino, ʻaʻole he hoʻoholo. E hoʻohana iā ia me ka mea āu e ʻike maoli ai i ka hana o ke kanaka, me ka manawa.

E paʻa mālie iā lākou, akā e nānā

Kekahi mau palena ʻoiaʻiʻo no kēia a pau. He hōʻailona maikaʻi nā hae ʻōmaʻomaʻo i ka hoʻomaka, ʻaʻole he hōʻoia. Hiki i nā kānaka ke kūpaʻa no ʻelua mahina a hoʻololi. Hiki i ke kanikau ke hoʻohālike i ka lokomaikaʻi no kekahi manawa. No laila e mālama i kēia he hōʻi ʻae ʻʻia e hōʻʻiliʻili hou, ʻaʻole he hoʻoholo āu e laka i ka huakaʻi ʻehā. Kūkulu ʻʻia ka hilinaʻi maoli me ka lohi, ma ka nānā ʻana i kā kekahi hana ma luna o nā kūlana lawa e manaʻoʻiʻo ai ʻo ia kona ʻano.

A ʻaʻole nā hae ʻōmaʻomaʻo e hoʻopau i nā mea ʻulaʻula. Inā e makaʻu maoli kekahi mea iā ʻoe, inā loaʻa ka mana, ka hoʻowahāwahā, ke koi, a i ʻole kahi ʻano hana e ʻano palekana ʻole ai ʻoe, ʻaʻohe nui o ka momona ma kahi ʻē e hana maikaʻi ai i kēlā. ʻAʻole ʻoe e ʻaiʻē i kekahi i ka pono o ke kānalua me ke kumukūʻai o kou palekana ponoʻī.

Inā ʻike ʻoe ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hilinaʻi i nā hōʻailona maikaʻi, he kānalua mau ka mālie a hoʻoholo kēlā me kēia kokoke iā ʻoe e holo, ʻaʻole kēlā he hewa iā ʻoe, a ʻaʻole ia he mea āu e wehe hoʻokahi ai. Hiki i kahi kauka noʻonoʻo maikaʻi ke kōkua iā ʻoe e aʻo e ʻano palekana me nā kānaka palekana, ʻoi aku ka paʻakikī ma mua o ke kani a hiki loa. A inā ke hoʻāʻo nei ʻoe e ʻike i ka ʻokoʻa ma waena o kahi pilina paʻakikī wale a kahi e hōʻeha iā ʻoe, e ʻoluʻolu mai e kamaʻilio me kekahi āu e hilinaʻi ai a i ʻole kahi loea hiki ke nānā me ʻoe. Pono ʻoe e noho me kekahi e hana i kou ola i nui aʻe a i kou mau poʻohiwi i māmā aʻe. ʻO ka ʻike i ke ʻano o kēlā ke ala e hoʻomaka ai e koho iā ia.

Nā kumu

• Cleveland Clinic, 12 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship
• The Gottman Institute, Turning Toward Bids Creates Better Relationships
• New York State, What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?