ʻAʻohe alanui kāleka no kēia. Ke pau kahi aloha kāne-wahine, ʻike nā mea a pau a puni ʻoe i ka palapala: ke kūkākūkā haki, nā mele kaumaha, nā hoa e hiki mai ana me ka ʻai. ʻAʻohe o ia mau mea i ka pau ʻana o kahi pilialoha. Loaʻa wale iā ʻoe ka ʻike mālie a pilikino ua hoʻoluhi, hoʻopilikia, a hoʻoliʻiliʻi mai kekahi mea āu i hilinaʻi mua ai ma mua o kou komo ʻana i ka puka.
A no ka mea ʻaʻohe mea e hāʻawi i kahi palapala iā ʻoe, hiki iā ʻoe ke hana ʻole no nā makahiki. Hele mau ʻoe ma muli o ka maʻa. Pane ʻoe i nā leka. Haʻi ʻoe iā ʻoe iho ua maikaʻi, ʻoiai e ʻike ana ʻoe i ka māwae ma waena o ka mea i lilo mua kēia kanaka iā ʻoe a me kona ʻano i kēia manawa.
Inā ke heluhelu nei ʻoe i kēia, ʻike mua kekahi ʻāpana ou. ʻAʻole ia he hāʻule kūpaʻa. Ulu nā kānaka ma nā wikiwiki ʻokoʻa a ma nā ʻaoʻao ʻokoʻa, a ʻo kahi pilialoha kūpono iā ʻoe i ka iwakāluakūmālua makahiki, ʻaʻole paha ia e kūpono i ke kanaka āu i lilo ai. Hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike i kēlā. Hiki iā ʻoe ke hana ma muli o ia mea me ka lilo ʻole i ke kanaka ʻino o ka moʻolelo.
Mua, e ʻoiaʻiʻo no kāu mea e makemake maoli ai
Ma mua o kāu hana ʻana i kekahi mea, e noho me hoʻokahi nīnau. He aha kāu e ʻimi maoli nei ma ʻaneʻi?
He ʻokoʻa maoli, a ʻo ke kapa ʻana iā ia e hoʻololi i nā mea a pau e hahai mai ana. Wehewehe ka poʻe noiʻi e aʻo ana i ke ʻano e haki ai nā pilialoha i kekahi mau ala ʻokoʻa. ʻO kekahi ʻo ka hoʻopau pololei ʻana i ka pilialoha. ʻO kekahi ʻo ka hoʻomamao, kahi e mau ai ʻoe ma ke kelepona mālie akā hoʻohaʻahaʻa nui i ka pili. ʻO ke kolu ʻo ka māhele ʻana: mālama ʻoe i ke kanaka i loko o kou ola no nā ʻāpana e hana mau ana a hoʻōki mālie i ka lawe ʻana iā lākou i nā ʻāpana ʻole.
Manaʻo ka nui o nā kānaka ʻo "ka hoʻopau ʻana" he haki maʻemaʻe a kūpaianaha. ʻAneʻane ʻaʻole pēlā. I ka nui o ka manawa, ʻo ka hana lokomaikaʻi a ʻoiaʻiʻo loa, ʻo ia ke kau ʻana i ke ʻano hou o ka pilialoha, ʻaʻole ke puhi iā ia.
No laila e nīnau iā ʻoe iho:
- Makemake anei au i kēia kanaka mai koʻu ola loa, a i ʻole makemake wale au i ka emi?
- Aia anei kahi mea kikoʻī i haki ai kēia (he kumakaia, he ʻano hoʻohaʻahaʻa), a i ʻole ua nalo wale ia?
- Ke pane nei anei au i hoʻokahi manawa ʻino, a i ʻole i kahi mea i ʻoiaʻiʻo no ka manawa lōʻihi?
Kuhikuhi ka pane iā ʻoe i ka puka kūpono. Pono paha kahi hoa nāna i ʻeha iā ʻoe ma ke ʻano i hiki ʻole iā ʻoe ke aʻe i kahi hoʻopau maoli. Pono paha kahi hoa āu i ulu ʻokoʻa ai i ka hoʻomama palupalu wale nō o ke kaula.
Ke lilo ka nalo mālie ʻana i ke koho ʻoiaʻiʻo
Manaʻo kākou ʻo ka mea koa ka hoʻouka nui mau. ʻAʻole ʻoiaʻiʻo. I kekahi manawa, ʻo ka hoʻopau palupalu a mahalo loa, ʻo ia ka mea mālie, a kākoʻo ka noiʻi i ke ʻano e hoʻopau maoli ai nā mākua i nā pilialoha. I ke aʻo ʻana o nā kānaka i nā ʻano hana a kākou e hoʻohana ai, ʻaʻole ʻo ka pohā kūpaianaha a i ʻole ka nalo anuanu ka ʻano pinepine. ʻO ia ka hoʻomama lōʻihi a like: ke kelepona kakaʻikahi, ka manawa lōʻihi ma waena o nā leka, nā papahana liʻiliʻi.
No kahi pilialoha i pau wale i ke alanui, me ka ʻeha maoli ʻole o kekahi ʻaoʻao, hiki i kēia ke ʻano ala kanaka loa. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hoʻopaʻi ana i kekahi. Hoʻōki ʻoe i ka hoʻomaka pinepine. ʻAe ʻoe i ka pana e hoʻolohi. Pane ʻoe me ka pumehana i kā lākou kelepona, akā ʻaʻole ʻoe e hana i kahi pili ʻole hou.
Aia nō kahi laina, ma waena o ka nalo mālie a me ka nalo loa ʻana, a he mea koʻikoʻi. ʻO ka nalo loa ʻana, ʻo ia ka nalo ʻana mai kahi mea e kāhea mau ana iā ʻoe, e waiho ana iā lākou me ka huikau a me ka ʻeha mālie. He like a palupalu ka nalo mālie hanohano. Inā ke hilinaʻi maopopo nei kāu hoa a hele mau, ʻaʻole ka nalo mālie ʻana iā lākou he palupalu. He hoʻolei ʻia i ke ʻano lokomaikaʻi, a e ʻike lākou i ka ʻokoʻa.
Ke pono ka pilialoha i kahi kūkākūkā maoli
Pono kekahi mau hoʻopau i nā huaʻōlelo. Inā he hoa kokoke kēia, kahi mea i hele mai no nā mea nui, a inā aia kahi haki kikoʻī e waiho ai ka nalo mālie e ʻino ai, ʻo ke kūkākūkā pololei ke ala mahalo loa ʻoiai he paʻakikī.
ʻAʻole pono iā ʻoe ke hāʻawi i kahi hoʻoholo. ʻAʻole ʻoe e kūkulu ana i kahi hihia kānāwai no ko lākou hāʻule ʻana. E mālama iā ia ma kāu ʻike ponoʻī a me kāu mau pono ponoʻī.
Kekahi mau mea e kōkua ai:
- E koho i kahi manawa pilikino a kaomi ʻole. ʻAʻole i waena o kahi pilikia, ʻaʻole ma kahi pulelo leka wikiwiki, ʻaʻole ke ʻeha mua kekahi o ʻolua.
- E ʻōlelo mai kou ʻaoʻao. ʻO "Ua ʻike au pono au e hoʻi hope mai kēia pilialoha" e aʻe ʻokoʻa loa ma mua o "Hana mau ʻoe i nā mea a pau e pili ana iā ʻoe." ʻOiaʻiʻo ka mua. Kono ka lua i kahi hakakā.
- E maopopo i kāu mea e noi ai. He wahi. He hoʻomaha. He aloha ʻoiaʻiʻo. Waiho ka pohihihi i ka puka hāmama ma ke ʻano e ʻeha ai iā ʻolua ma hope.
- E ʻae iā lākou i ko lākou manaʻo. Kaumaha paha lākou, huikau, a huhū. Hiki iā ʻoe ke kūpaʻa a lokomaikaʻi me ka lawe hope ʻole i nā mea a pau. ʻO ko lākou pane he ʻike, ʻaʻole he kauoha.
- Hiki iā ʻoe ke pumehana a hope loa i ka manawa hoʻokahi. ʻAʻole ʻokoʻa ka mahalo no ka mea i ʻoiaʻiʻo a me kahi palena paʻa.
Inā he maikaʻi maoli i loko o ka pilialoha, e ʻōlelo. Hiki i ka "He mea koʻikoʻi ʻoe iaʻu, a he ʻoiaʻiʻo ka nui o kā kāua mea" ke noho pono me ka "a ʻaʻole hiki iaʻu ke hoʻomau i kēia." Hiki i nā mea ʻelua ke ʻoiaʻiʻo.
Ke kau ʻana i kahi palena ma kahi o ka hoʻopau
ʻAʻole pono e pau kēlā me kēia pilialoha paʻakikī. I kekahi manawa, ʻo kāu mea e pono maoli ai he palena, he laina maopopo no ke ʻano āu e ʻae ai e mālama ʻia, a hiki i ka pilialoha ke ola ma kēlā.
Wehewehe ka Cleveland Clinic i kahi palena olakino me ka maʻalahi: haʻi ia i kāu mau pono ponoʻī me ka hoʻāʻo ʻole e mana i kekahi. ʻO ke ʻano āu e kau ai no ke ʻano āu e makemake e mālama ʻia, ʻaʻole he kaula ma luna o kā lākou hana. ʻO "ʻAʻole au e kamaʻilio no koʻu male ʻana me ʻoe hou" he palena. ʻO "Inā e hiki lohi mai ʻoe i hoʻokahi hola hou, e hoʻi au i ka home" he palena. ʻAʻole ʻoe e koi nei iā lākou e hoʻololi i ko lākou ʻano. Ke haʻi nei ʻoe i kā ʻoe mea e hana ai a ʻaʻole e hana ai.
He manaʻo wale nō ko nā palena inā e hele pū me ka hahai mālie. Inā ʻōlelo ʻoe e haʻalele ʻoe ke huli ka kūkākūkā i ka ʻino, a laila noho ʻoe a omo iā ia, ua lilo ka palena i kahi makemake. ʻO ka hahai ʻana ke ala e ʻike ai i ka mea maoli o ka pilialoha. E hoʻololi kekahi a olakino aʻe ka pilialoha. ʻAʻole kekahi, a ua pane lākou i ka nīnau nāu.
E ʻae iā ʻoe iho e kanikau iā ia
Eia ka ʻāpana a ʻaneʻane ʻaʻohe mea e aʻo iā ʻoe. ʻOiai ke pololei loa ka hoʻopau ʻana, ʻoiai ʻo ʻoe ka mea i koho, hiki iā ia ke ʻeha nui loa.
ʻAʻole ia ʻo ʻoe e kānalua hou nei iā ʻoe iho. Hiki i ka nalowale o kahi pilialoha kokoke ke kau me ke kaumaha like me kahi haki aloha kāne-wahine, a ʻo ka poʻe e ʻike hohonu loa, ʻo ia pinepine ka poʻe i aʻo ko lākou mau ʻike mua e mākaukau ikaika kūʻē i ka hōʻole a me ka haʻalele ʻana. He ʻoiaʻiʻo ke kaumaha, a hoʻopaʻakikī ʻia ia e ka mea ʻaʻole loa e ʻike ka honua a puni ʻoe i ia mea he nalowale. ʻAʻole paha ʻoe e loaʻa i ka ʻai hoʻomaha. ʻAʻole paha ʻoe e loaʻa i hoʻokahi "ua maikaʻi anei ʻoe?" Manaʻo ka poʻe no ka mea ʻaʻohe mea i make a ʻaʻohe mea i haki male, ʻaʻohe mea i hana maoli.
Ua hana maoli kekahi mea. Hiki iā ʻoe ke haʻo i kekahi a maopopo nō ua pono ke kuʻu ʻana iā lākou. Hiki i nā mea ʻelua ke ola i loko ou i ka manawa hoʻokahi. E ahonui me ka ʻeha. E ʻae iā ʻoe iho e hoʻomanaʻo i nā ʻāpana maikaʻi me ka hoʻohana ʻole iā lākou ma ke ʻano he kumu e wehe ai i kahi hoʻoholo āu i hana ai no nā kumu maikaʻi.
A e hilinaʻi i ka poʻe e kūpono mau nei. Hoʻomāmā ke kaumaha mai kahi nalowale pilialoha e like me nā kaumaha ʻē aʻe, mālie, a i ka hui o ka poʻe e hoʻomaopopo ai iā ʻoe iā ʻoe iho.
Ke ʻoi aku ma mua o kahi aloha paʻakikī
Kaumaha a ola ka nui o nā hoʻopau pilialoha. Haʻahaʻa ʻoe no kekahi manawa, ʻimi ʻoe i kou wāwae, hoʻopiha hou ke ola i ka wahi. Akā e nānā inā ʻaʻole e haʻalele ke kaumaha. Inā ʻike ʻoe i ka piholo i loko o kahi kaumaha e neʻe ʻole ana, e huki ana mai nā mea a pau ʻaʻole ʻo ka pilialoha hoʻokahi wale nō, a i ʻole e ʻike ana ua wehe ka nalowale i kahi mea nui aʻe no kou waiwai ponoʻī, he mea kūpono kēlā e lawe koʻikoʻi.
Hiki i kahi kahu kūkākūkā maikaʻi ke kōkua iā ʻoe e hoʻomaopopo no ke aha i pā nui ai kēia hoʻopau kikoʻī, ʻoi loa inā ua hoʻāla ia i nā ʻeha kahiko a puni ka hōʻole a me ka hilinaʻi. ʻAʻole ʻo ka ʻimi ʻana i ia ʻano kōkua he hōʻailona ua hana hewa ʻoe i ka pilialoha. He hōʻailona ia ke mālama nei ʻoe i kou ʻeha ponoʻī me ke akahele like āu e hāʻawi ai i kahi hoa, ʻo ia, ma ka hopena, ka manaʻo holoʻokoʻa o ke aʻo ʻana e kuʻu me ka hanohano.
Nā kumu
- Cleveland Clinic, How To Set Boundaries in Healthy Ways
- Psychology Today, 7 Strategies People Use to End Friendships (Grant Hilary Brenner, MD)
- Psychology Today, Why Are Some of Us More Affected by Friendships Ending? (Kaytee Gillis, LCSW)
- National Center for Biotechnology Information, Relationship dissolution in the friendships of emerging adults: How, when, and why?