Aia kekahi ʻano nalowale ʻokoʻa ʻaʻole i loaʻa kahi inoa. He hoa āu i kamaʻilio ai i kēlā me kēia lā. ʻAʻole ʻoe maopopo i ka manawa i loli ai. ʻAʻohe hoʻopaʻapaʻa, ʻaʻohe kumakaia, ʻaʻohe mea hiki iā ʻoe ke kuhikuhi a ʻōlelo ʻo ia ka manawa i haki ai. Lohi wale nā pane. Pau ka hana ʻana i nā hoʻolālā. I kekahi lā, ʻike ʻoe ʻaʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻomanaʻo i ke kūkākūkā maoli hope āu i loaʻa ai, a kau ka manaʻo me kahi ʻeha liʻiliʻi a mumule.
Inā ua hāpai mālie ʻoe i kēlā, e noʻonoʻo ana i ka mea āu i hana hewa ai, eia ka mea mua kūpono ke lohe: ʻaʻohe mea paha. ʻO ka nalo ʻana o nā pilialoha me ka hakakā ʻole kekahi o nā mea maʻamau loa e hiki ai i nā kānaka, a ke hana nei ia mai ka wā i loaʻa ai i nā kānaka nā hoa. ʻAʻole pinepine ia e hōʻike ua hāʻule kekahi.
Ua kūkulu ʻia ka pilialoha e pono i ka mālama
Paʻa pinepine nā pili ʻohana ʻoiai ke mālama ʻole ʻoe iā lākou. Hiki iā ʻoe ke kāhea ʻole i kou kaikuahine no hoʻokahi makahiki a noho mau ʻoe he kaikunāne nona. ʻAʻole hana pēlā ka pilialoha. Holo ʻo ia ma ka pilina, ma nā manawa liʻiliʻi maʻamau o ke kau like ʻana o nā ala, a ke pau ia mau manawa, hoʻomaka ke kāwele e hemo ʻano ma kona iho.
Ua ʻike ka loea olakino noʻonoʻo ʻo Robin Dunbar, nāna i hoʻolōʻihi i nā makahiki he nui e aʻo ana i ke ʻano e hana maoli ai nā pilina kanaka, e palahē ana nā pilialoha ke pau kāu ʻike ʻana i kekahi, a palahē lākou ʻano wikiwiki kupanaha. E noho mālie me kahi hoa pili no ka hapalua makahiki a paheʻe ka pili i manaʻo ʻia. E hoʻokuʻu i kekahi mau makahiki me ka pilina maoli ʻole a ua paheʻe pinepine kekahi i hoa maikaʻi i ka wā kahiko i ka māhele o ka mea kamaʻilio wale. ʻAʻole ma o ka ʻino o kekahi. Ma o ka nele wale nō.
Kūpono kēlā ke noho me ia, no ka mea hoʻololi ʻo ia i ka hewa. ʻO ka mālie ʻana o kahi pilialoha ma hope o ko ʻolua paʻahana, neʻe ʻana, hānau keiki ʻana, hoʻololi hana ʻana, ʻaʻole ia he hōʻailona ʻaʻole maoli ke aloha. He hōʻailona he mea ola ka pilialoha e pono i ka hānai, a ua walaʻau nui ke ola a hoʻonalo i ka hānai.
No ke aha e paheʻe ai nā mea maikaʻi
Paʻa ka hapa nui o nā pilialoha e kekahi mea i kaʻana like ʻia. Aia ʻolua i ka papa hoʻokahi, ke keʻena hoʻokahi, ke kaiāulu hoʻokahi, ka mokuna ola hoʻokahi. E lawe i ka mea i like iā ʻolua a nāwaliwali ke kaomi.
Ke hōʻea mau nei ka poʻe noiʻi e aʻo ana i ke ʻano e pau ai nā pilialoha i ka puʻu kumu hoʻokahi, a ʻaneʻane ʻaʻohe o lākou he mea koʻikoʻi.
- Loli nā kūlana. Neʻe kekahi. Pau ke kulanui. Hoʻololi kahi hana. Ua hala ka mea i hoʻonoho iā ʻolua i ka lumi hoʻokahi i ʻekolu manawa o ka pule, a ʻaʻohe mea e kū aʻe e pani.
- Ulu ʻolua i nā kuhikuhi ʻokoʻa. Loli nā kānaka. I kekahi manawa, loli ʻelua kānaka i nā ʻano ʻaʻole kūpono hou, a hoʻomaka nā kūkākūkā maʻalahi mua e ʻano like me ka hana.
- Hoʻonoho hou kahi loli ola nui i nā mea a pau. He pilina hou, he pēpē, he neʻe ʻana ma kēlā ʻaoʻao o ka ʻāina, he kau paʻakikī o ka mālama ʻana i kekahi. Hoʻokaʻawale ʻia ka manawa a me ka manaʻo, a paheʻe mālie kekahi mau pilialoha i lalo o ka papa.
- ʻAʻohe mea makemake e hana i ka māhele ʻano ʻē. Koho ka hapa nui o nā mākua i ka noho mālie ma mua o kahi kūkākūkā ʻano ʻoluʻolu ʻole. No laila ma kahi o ka ʻōlelo ʻana "ke haʻo nei au iā ʻoe, hiki iā kāua ke hoʻoponopono i kēia," hoʻokuʻu wale nā kānaka ʻelua iā ia.
E nānā i ka maʻamau o kēlā papa. ʻAʻohe ʻino i loko. Pau kekahi nui o nā pilialoha e like me ka pio ʻana o kahi ahi ke hoʻokomo ʻole kekahi i ka wahie. Mālie, a me ka hoʻoholo ʻole o kekahi.
No ke aha e ʻeha nui ai ma mua o ka mea a nā kānaka e ʻae ai
Loaʻa iā mākou nā kuʻuna holoʻokoʻa no ka pau ʻana o kahi male a ʻaneʻane ʻaʻohe no ka pau ʻana o kahi pilialoha. ʻAʻohe pepa, ʻaʻohe hoʻolaha, ʻaʻohe ipu ʻai i lawe ʻia i ka puka. No laila, noho pinepine ka kanikau me ka ʻole o ka ʻōlelo ʻia, ka mea hiki ke hana iā ʻoe e manaʻo lapuwale iki no kou manaʻo nui ʻana iā ia.
ʻAʻole ʻoe he lapuwale. Ua hoʻopaʻa hohonu ʻia ka huki i ka pilina. Ua hoʻopuka ka Surgeon General o ʻAmelika i kahi ʻōlelo aʻo i ka makahiki 2023 e kapa ana i ka mehameha a me ka kaʻawale he hopohopo olakino lehulehu ʻoiaʻiʻo, e hōʻike ana ua pili ka pilina kaiaulu ikaika me ke olakino ʻoi a me ke ola lōʻihi, ʻoiai lawe kona nele i nā pilikia maoli. ʻAʻole he waiwai hoʻonani ka pilialoha i kau ʻia ma luna o ke ola. He māhele ia o ka haʻina. Ke nalo kahi pilialoha maoli, hele pū kekahi mea e hāpai ana i ke kaumaha, a ʻo ka ʻeha ʻo ia kou kino e haʻi ana i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo no ia.
He aha kāu e hiki maoli ke hana
ʻAʻole pono e mālama ʻia kēlā me kēia pilialoha e nalo ana, ʻaʻole hoʻi hiki ke mālama ʻia nā mea a pau. Akā loaʻa pinepine iā ʻoe ka lumi hou e hana ai ma mua o ka mea a ka noho mālie e hōʻike ai.
- E hoʻoholo, me ka ʻoiaʻiʻo, inā makemake ʻoe iā ia i hope. Nalo kekahi mau pilialoha no ka mea ua holo ko lākou ala, a ʻo ka hoʻi ʻana i hope, ʻo ia ka ʻimi ʻana i kahi mana o kou ola ua hala. Nalo kekahi mau mea no ka mea ua manaʻo ʻelua kānaka paʻahana ua neʻe mua kekahi. E ʻoiaʻiʻo no ka mea ʻo kēia. ʻO ka haʻo ʻana i ke kanaka he ʻae. ʻO ka haʻo wale ʻana i ka mokuna kahiko he hōʻole paha, a ua ʻae ʻia kēlā.
- E hana i ka neʻe mua a e hana liʻiliʻi. Inā makemake ʻoe i ka pilialoha, pono kekahi e wāwahi i ka noho mālie, a ʻo ke kali ʻana e ʻike ai i ka mea e mālama nui aku ai ke ʻano e make ai nā pilialoha maikaʻi i ka haʻaheo. ʻAʻole ʻoe e pono i kahi hana nui a i ʻole kahi mihi no kahi mea ʻaʻole i lilo i hewa. Holo kahi kikokiko maʻalahi: "Ua puka ʻoe i koʻu noʻonoʻo i kēia lā. Ke haʻo nei au iā ʻoe. Pehea ʻoe?" ʻO ka liʻiliʻi ka pahuhopu. He puka hāmama ia, ʻaʻole he koi.
- E kuhikuhi i hoʻokahi manawa maoli, ʻaʻole he hoʻoponopono piha. Mai hoʻāʻo e lanakila hou i nā makahiki i hoʻokahi kope. E loaʻa wale i hoʻokahi kūkākūkā maoli ma ka kalena. Kūkulu hou ʻia ka pili ma ke ʻano hoʻokahi i kūkulu mua ʻia ai, ma o ka pilina liʻiliʻi pinepine, ʻaʻole hoʻokahi hoʻoikaika koa.
- E ʻae i ka pane ke pane. I kekahi manawa, kīkoʻo ʻoe a hoʻi mai ka mahana. I kekahi manawa, loaʻa iā ʻoe kahi pane ʻoluʻolu a mamao, a i ʻole ʻaʻohe mea. He ʻike kēlā, ʻaʻole he hoʻopaʻi no kou waiwai. Ua hana ʻoe i ka mea koa ma ke kīkoʻo ʻana. ʻO ka mea a ke kanaka ʻē aʻe e hana ai me ia, nona ia.
A inā ua pau maoli ka pilialoha, ua ʻae ʻia ʻoe e kanikau me ka manaʻo. E kapa iā ia iā ʻoe iho. E mahalo iā ia, ʻoiai me ka leo ʻole, no ka mea ʻo ia. ʻO ka ʻae ʻana i kahi pilina e pau pono, me ka ʻawaʻawa ʻole, he ʻano mālama ponoʻī ia, no ke kanaka ʻē aʻe a no ʻoe pū.
Kahi e kau ai i ke aloha i koe
Eia ka māhele e nalo pinepine ai i ke kaumaha. ʻO ka mākaukau i hoʻolilo i kēlā pilialoha i mea maikaʻi, nou nō ia a pau. He kanaka ʻoe i ʻike pehea e pili ai i kekahi kanaka ʻē aʻe. ʻAʻole nalo kēlā ke nalo kahi pilialoha.
He akāka ka noiʻi no ka pilina a ʻano hoʻokuʻu: ʻo ka maikaʻi o kou mau pili pili ka mea e mālama ai i kou olakino a me kou ʻano, ʻaʻole ka nui o kāu papa inoa pilina. Kuhikuhi ka Mayo Clinic, e hōʻuluʻulu ana i nā makahiki he nui o ka hana no ka pilialoha a me ke olakino, e hana hou aku kekahi mau pilialoha maoli nāu ma mua o kahi kula ākea o nā mea pāpaʻu. No laila, inā ua hele kekahi o kou ikehu i ka ʻalualu ʻana i kahi pilina e paheʻe mau ana, ua mākaukau paha ia e hele i kahi e pae ai. He hoa kahiko āu i hoʻokuʻu paheʻe pū. He hoa hou aʻe āu i makemake e hoʻohohonu. He kanaka i mua pono ou e lana ana e kīkoʻo mua ʻoe.
Ke ʻoi aku ka nui o ka noho mālie ma mua o hoʻokahi pilialoha
I kekahi manawa, ʻo ia wale nō kahi pilialoha e nalo ana, hoʻokahi pilina e holo ana i kona ala. I kekahi manawa, he lopi ʻoe e huki ai a ʻike ʻoe e ʻano lahilahi ana ka ʻaʻahu holoʻokoʻa. Inā e nānā ʻoe i luna a ʻike ua noho mālie ka hapa nui o kou mau pilina pili, ua mehameha ʻoe i nā lā he nui, a i ʻole ua huki ka nalowale o kēia pilialoha iā ʻoe i kahi kaumaha ʻaʻole e ala, kūpono kēlā ke lawe koʻikoʻi a ʻaʻole ke ʻeaʻe hoʻokahi.
Hiki i ka mehameha e noho a paʻa ke ʻai i kou kino a me kou noʻonoʻo, a pane ʻo ia i ke kōkua. Hiki i kahi loea olakino ke kōkua iā ʻoe e hoʻomaopopo i nā pālapala o ke ʻano e hoʻomaka a pau ai kou mau pilina, a hiki ke lilo i mea hoʻokūpaʻa ʻoiai ʻoe e kūkulu hou ana. He wahi kūpono nō hoʻi kou kauka e hoʻomaka ai, ʻoiai inā ke pā nei ke kaumaha i kou hiamoe, kou ʻono, a i ʻole kou hiki ke hala i ka lā. ʻAʻole he hōʻailona ka kīkoʻo ʻana no ke kōkua ma ʻaneʻi ua hāʻule ʻoe i ka pilialoha. He hōʻailona ua lawe koʻikoʻi ʻoe i ka pilina e mālama iā ia, ʻo ia pono ke ʻano e hoʻolilo ai i kekahi i hoa maikaʻi mai kinohi.
ʻAʻole pani ka puka i nā kānaka no ka mea ua pani kekahi pilialoha. Hāmama mau ia. Pēlā nō ʻoe.
Nā kumu
- American Psychological Association, The science of why friendships keep us healthy
- Mayo Clinic, Friendships: Enrich your life and improve your health
- U.S. Surgeon General, Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: Social Connection Advisory
- Simply Psychology, The Science of Maintaining Friendships: Why Adult Friendships Fade