E alakaʻi mai kou mau waiwai, ʻaʻole mai kou ʻano manaʻo

He ʻehā hola ia o ka ʻauinalā ma kahi lā i hema ai nā mea a pau. Ua luhi ʻoe, ua ʻeha iki ka naʻau, a ua hoʻouna mai kekahi i ka memo e hoʻokahuli loa iā ʻoe. Ke neʻe nei kou manamana lima i kahi pane āu e ʻike nei e ʻoi loa ana. I loko o kēlā hapalua kekona, ʻelua mau kānaka e pane mai ana: ʻo ka mea āu e makemake maoli ai e lilo, a i ʻole kou ʻano manaʻo.

Hāʻawi ka hapa nui o kākou i ka pane i ke ʻano manaʻo. ʻOi aku kona māmā, ʻoi aku kona leo nui, a i kēlā manawa he ʻano ʻoiaʻiʻo ia. ʻO ka pilikia, he aniau ke ʻano manaʻo. Hele mai, manaʻo ʻoe he piha ʻiʻo ia i kona wā e mau ai, a laila hala akula a koe ʻoe i loko o ka mea āu i ʻōlelo ai i ka wā e ua ana.

ʻOi aku ka mālie a me ka mau loa o ke ala ʻē aʻe. Hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻoholo mua i ka mea āu e kūpaʻa ai, a laila ʻae aku i kēlā e alakaʻi i ka wā nui loa kou mau manaʻo ʻaʻole hiki ke hilinaʻi. ʻO ia ka manaʻo nui o ke alakaʻi ʻana mai nā waiwai, ʻaʻole mai ke ʻano manaʻo. ʻAʻole ia he hoʻokamani ʻana e mālie ana ʻoe. ʻO ke kāohi ʻana i ke kaula hoʻomalu mai kahi naʻau e hala koke ana ma mua o ka ʻai ahiahi.

He ʻike kou ʻano manaʻo, ʻaʻole he kauoha

Eia ka loli manaʻo e hana ai i ka hapa nui o ka hana. He ʻikepili ka naʻau e pili ana i kou kūlana o loko. ʻAʻole ia he kauoha no ka mea e hana ai ma hope.

Ke piʻihau ʻoe, he ʻike maoli ia, he mea koʻikoi iā ʻoe a ke ʻike ʻia nei e pilikia ana. Ke huhū ʻoe, he ʻike nō hoʻi ia. Akā, ʻo ka lele wikiwiki a kākou e hana mau ai mai "ke huhū nei au" a pololei i "no laila e hana huhū au," me he mea lā ua hele pū mai ka naʻau me kona mau kauoha. ʻAʻole. Nāu i hoʻohui i kēlā mau kauoha.

Ua kapa ka mea noiʻi noʻonoʻo ʻo Susan David i ka manawa a kākou e poina ai i kēia he "makau ʻia." I kāna hana e pili ana i ka māʻalahi naʻau, ua wehewehe ʻo ia i ke ʻano o ko kākou makau ʻia e kahi manaʻo a i ʻole naʻau e like me ka makau ʻia o ka iʻa i ke kā. Ke makau ʻia kākou, manaʻo kākou he ʻoiaʻiʻo ka naʻau a ʻae aku iā ia e alakaʻi i nā mea a pau. ʻO ka ʻakamai, wahi āna, ʻo ke aʻo ʻana e wehe i ka makau: e ʻike i ka naʻau, e kapa iā ia, e hana i kahi wahi a puni iā ia, a laila e koho i kāu hana aʻe ma muli o kāu waiwai, ʻaʻole ma muli o kou naʻau. ʻO ka hana ma muli o kou mau waiwai ka mea e hemo ai ʻoe mai ke kā.

ʻO kēlā ʻanuʻu hope ka mea a ka poʻe e haʻalele ai. He maikaʻi ka ʻike ʻana i kou mau naʻau. ʻOi aku ka maikaʻi o ke kapa ʻana iā lākou. Akā, inā kū ʻoe ma laila, he kanaka ʻike nui ʻoe wale nō nāna i pane ʻino i kekahi hoa hana. ʻO ke kumu o ka ʻike, ʻo ia ke kūʻai ʻana i ke kūʻokoʻa e hana i kekahi mea ʻē aʻe ma waho o ka pane wikiwiki.

No ke aha he poʻo hana ʻino loa nā naʻau

He ʻoiaʻiʻo nā naʻau, a he ʻano makapō pōkole nō hoʻi. Ua hana ʻia lākou e pane i kēia manawa, ka mea weliweli i mua ou, ke kuli āu i ʻike iho nei, ka lā palena e hanu ana ma kou ʻāʻī. ʻAʻohe o lākou ʻike i ka pule aʻe, ʻaʻohe hoʻomanaʻo i ka mea āu i ʻōlelo ai e makemake e lilo.

ʻO ia ke kumu i hilinaʻi ʻole ai lākou ma ke ʻano he alakaʻi no ke ʻano e mālama ai i ka poʻe. ʻO ka mahele ou e holo nei me ʻekolu hola hiamoe a me kahi ʻaina awakea i haʻalele ʻia, he mau manaʻo ikaika a kikoʻī kona e pili ana i ka leo o kekahi hoa hana. E ʻano like kēlā mau manaʻo me ka hoʻoholo akamai. ʻO ka hapa nui he kō haʻahaʻa i loko o ke koko.

ʻAʻohe pilikia o nā waiwai i kēlā ʻano, no ka mea ua hoʻokumu ʻoe iā lākou i kou wā mālie. ʻO lākou ka mahele noʻonoʻo ou e kamaʻilio ana i ka mahele pane wikiwiki. Ke hoʻoholo ʻoe i kahi manawa kūpaʻa e makemake ʻoe e lilo i kanaka e mau ana ka makaʻala ma mua o ke kūpale, ke waiho nei ʻoe i kahi memo no kou ʻano e hiki mai ana, ka mea pīhoihoi. Aia ka memo ma laila i ʻole ʻoe e hoʻoholo hou mai ke kumu i ka hola ʻehā o ka ʻauinalā ke emi loa kou hiki ke hoʻoholo pono.

Aia kekahi puʻolo hana lapaʻau ma hope o kēia, e ʻōlelo aku ai. ʻO ka acceptance and commitment therapy, kahi ala i aʻo nui ʻia no ka piʻihau a me ke kaumaha, ua kūkulu ʻia ma luna o kahi neʻe like: e hana i ka mea e kūlike ana me kāu mau waiwai i koho ʻia ʻoiai he mau naʻau paʻakikī e noho ana, ma mua o ke kali ʻana e maikaʻi mua a i ʻole ka ʻae ʻana i ka naʻau e hoʻoholo. Wehewehe ka Cleveland Clinic i ka pahuhopu me ka maopopo, ʻo ia ka hoʻokūlike ʻana o kāu hana me kou mau waiwai ma kahi o ka alakaʻi ʻana o kou mau naʻau i kāu hana. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e lanakila i ka hakakā me ka naʻau. Pono wale nō ʻoe e hoʻolohe ʻole iā ia.

Ka moʻolelo āu i ʻike ʻole ai ua kākau ʻoe

Aia pinepine kahi ʻanuʻu hunā ma waena o ka mea i hana ʻia a me ke ʻano manaʻo ou i kēia manawa. ʻAʻole ʻoe e pane i nā hanana. Pane ʻoe i ka moʻolelo āu i haʻi iā ʻoe iho e pili ana i ka hanana, a haʻi wikiwiki loa ʻoe a ʻike ʻole ʻoe ua kākau ʻoe.

Pane mai kekahi hoa hana i kāu memo me kahi laina pōkole. ʻO ka hanana he pane pōkole. ʻO ka moʻolelo ʻo "manaʻo lākou he manaʻo lōlō kēia" a i ʻole "ke hoʻonāukiuki ʻia nei lākou e aʻu." Hele mai ke ʻano manaʻo mai ka moʻolelo, ʻaʻole mai ka laina. A laila pane ʻoe i ke ʻano manaʻo. Kapa ka hana hoʻomohala alakaʻi i kēia piʻi wikiwiki ʻo ka alapiʻi o ka manaʻo koho, ke ʻano o ko kākou lele mai kahi ʻāpana ʻikepili maka a kahi hoʻoholo paʻa i loko o kahi hapa kekona, a laila mālama i ka hoʻoholo me he ʻoiaʻiʻo akāka lā.

Nā kēia ʻike e hāʻawi i kahi lua iā ʻoe e komo ai. Hiki iā ʻoe ke nīnau i ka moʻolelo ma mua o kou hōʻea ʻana i ka naʻau. "He aha ka mea i hana maoli ʻia ma ʻaneʻi, ma waho aʻe o ka mea aʻu e hoʻolilo nei?" He ʻoi aku ka liʻiliʻi a me ka manakā o ka pane ma mua o ka moʻolelo. He pōkole ka pane no ka mea aia lākou ma ke kelepona, ʻaʻole no ka mea ua kūʻē mai lākou iā ʻoe. ʻO ka paʻa ʻole iki o kou heluhelu ʻana i kahi kūlana, ka noho hāmama ʻana e hewa, he ʻakamai alakaʻi nō ia, a kāohi ia i kahi memo pōkole mai ka lilo ʻana i ʻano manaʻo ʻino no ka ʻauinalā holoʻokoʻa.

ʻAʻole noho kou ʻano manaʻo iā ʻoe wale nō

Aia kekahi kumu i koʻikoi ai kēia ke hilinaʻi mai ka poʻe ʻē aʻe iā ʻoe. ʻAʻole noho mālie kou kūlana naʻau i loko o kou poʻo. Heluhelu ka poʻe iā ia, a lawe lākou iā ia. Nānā nui lākou i ke ʻano manaʻo o ka mea a lākou e ʻike ai he luna, ʻoiai ma ke ʻano kūʻokoʻa, a no laila ʻaʻole pili kou ʻauinalā ʻino iā ʻoe wale nō. Hoʻonoho ia i ka mahana no nā mea a pau a puni.

ʻO kēia ke kumu kūpono no ke alakaʻi ʻana mai nā waiwai, ma waho aʻe o ka maikaʻi o kou naʻau ponoʻī. Ke hana ʻoe mai kou ʻano manaʻo, hoʻolaha ʻoe iā ia, a i kahi lā paʻakikī ʻo ka mea āu e hoʻolaha nei he hopohopo pinepine. Ke hana ʻoe mai kahi waiwai, hāʻawi ʻoe i ka poʻe a puni i mea ʻoi aku ke kūpaʻa e hilinaʻi ai. ʻAʻole lākou pono e hauʻoli ʻoe. Pono lākou e hiki ke wānana iā ʻoe, e ʻike ʻo ka mahele kūpaʻa a kūpono ou ka mea e hiki mai ʻoiai e hema ana ka lā. ʻO kēlā wānana hiki ka hapa nui o ka hilinaʻi.

E kapa i ka mea āu e kūpaʻa maoli ai

ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke hana mai nā waiwai āu i hoʻopuka ʻole ai i nā huaʻōlelo. He pohihihi loa ʻo "e lilo i alakaʻi maikaʻi" e kōkua iā ʻoe i ka hola ʻehā. Pono ʻoe i kahi mea kikoʻī kūpono e hana ai.

E hoʻāʻo e kapa i ʻekolu a ʻehā paha. E mālama paʻa a pili i ka hana, e like me kou makemake e wehewehe kekahi iā ʻoe i kou lā maikaʻi loa. ʻAʻole nā manaʻo kiʻekiʻe pohihihi, akā nā mea hiki iā ʻoe ke hana maoli i kahi manawa paʻakikī:

• "Noho kūpaʻa au i ka wā e ʻāwili ana nā poʻe ʻē aʻe."
• "Makaʻala au ma mua o ke kūpale."
• "Haʻi au i ka ʻoiaʻiʻo me ke aloha, ʻoiai he ʻano hilahila."
• "Mālama like au i nā kānaka, inā paha hiki iā lākou ke hana i kekahi mea naʻu a i ʻole ʻaʻole."

E kākau iā lākou ma kahi e ʻike maoli ai ʻoe. A laila, ʻo kēia ka mahele e hoʻolilo iā lākou i ʻoiaʻiʻo, e hoʻoholo i ke ʻano o kēlā me kēia i ka hana maoli. Inā e mahalo ʻoe i ka noho kūpaʻa, he aha ke ʻano o kēlā i ka manawa aʻe e hema ai kahi hālāwai? Maliʻa: e hoʻohaʻahaʻa i kou leo, e nīnau i hoʻokahi nīnau wehewehe, e pale i ka ʻiʻini e hāʻawi kuleana hewa. ʻOi aku ke kikoʻī o ke kiʻi, ʻoi aku ka maopopo e lawe ʻoe iā ia i lalo o ke kaomi, no ka mea ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e haku ma ka lele.

E kūkulu i ka hakahaka ma waena o ka naʻau a me ka hana

ʻAneʻane mau ka alakaʻi ʻana mai nā waiwai i hoʻokahi mea mīkini liʻiliʻi: ke kau ʻana i kahi puanaʻi ma waena o ka naʻau a me ka hana. E hiki mai ana ka naʻau. ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke kāpae, a ʻaʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻāʻo. ʻO ka mea hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻololi, ʻo ia ka mea e hana ʻia i nā kekona ma hope.

E hopu i ka piʻi

E aʻo i nā hōʻailona kino e ʻike ai ua makau ʻia ʻoe. No ka nui o ka poʻe, he maka wela, he iwi ā paʻa, he maopopo koke he pololei loa ʻoe. ʻO kēlā maopopo ka hōʻailona pinepine. Ke ʻike ʻoe iā ia, e mālama iā ia he hae, ʻaʻole he kukui ʻōmaʻomaʻo.

E kūʻai i kahi manawa nāu

Kakaʻikahi loa ka manawa e ʻaiʻē ai ʻoe i kekahi i pane koke. He ʻōlelo piha a ʻoihana ʻo "E ʻae mai e noʻonoʻo au a hoʻi mai au iā ʻoe." Pēlā nō hoʻi i kahi hanu lohi ma mua o kāu ʻōlelo ʻana. Hiki i nā kāhua kākau ke noho me ke kuʻu ʻole ʻia. ʻO ka puanaʻi kahi e hana maoli ʻia ai ke alakaʻi ʻana mai nā waiwai, no ka mea ʻo ia wale nō kahi he koho maoli kou.

E nīnau i ka nīnau ʻoi aku ka maikaʻi

I loko o ka hakahaka, e hoʻololi i ka nīnau a ke ʻano manaʻo no ka nīnau a ka waiwai. Nīnau ke ʻano manaʻo, "Pehea au e hoʻopau ai i kēia naʻau i kēia manawa?" Nīnau ka waiwai, "He aha kā ke kanaka aʻu e makemake e lilo e hana ma ʻaneʻi?" Ke kūlana like, akā he pane ʻokoʻa loa. Pili pinepine ka mua i ka hoʻouna ʻana i memo. Pili pinepine ka ʻē aʻe i ka hoʻolohi ʻana.

E ʻae i kou kino e alakaʻi

ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke noʻonoʻo i kou ala i ke kūpaʻa ʻoiai aia kou kino i ke kāhea pīhoihoi. He hanu lōʻihi, he wāwae ma ka papa hele, he poʻohiwi i lalo, ʻaʻole ia he mea pālupa hoʻohui. ʻO ia ke ʻano e loaʻa hou ai ka lawa o kou hoʻoholo ʻana e hana ma muli o kahi waiwai. E hoʻomālie i ke kino ma mua, a laila e koho.

I ka wā āu e hewa ai i kēlā me kēia

E lanakila ka naʻau i kekahi manawa. Pēlā nā mea a pau. E hoʻouna ʻoe i ka leka uila, a i ʻole e hoʻohana i ka leo, a i ʻole e mālie i ka wā āu i makemake ai e komo. ʻAʻole kēia he hōʻailona ʻaʻole hana ka mea holoʻokoʻa nou. He hōʻailona he kanaka ʻoe.

ʻOi aku ke koʻikoʻi ma mua o ka moʻolelo maʻemaʻe ʻo ka mea āu e hana aʻe ai. ʻO ka hoʻi ʻana a ʻōlelo ʻo "Ua pane pōkole au iā ʻoe ma mua, a ʻaʻole kēlā i kūpono iā ʻoe" he hana ia mai nā waiwai ponoʻī. Haʻi ia i ka poʻe a pau e nānā ana he hiki ke ola i nā hewa a hoʻopaʻa ʻoe iā ʻoe iho i ke kūlana like āu e hoʻopaʻa ai iā lākou. Hilinaʻi nui ka poʻe i kēlā ma mua o ka hilinaʻi ʻana i kekahi e ʻōlelo ʻaʻole ʻo ia e nalo i kona ʻano. He mahele ka hoʻoponopono o ka hana, ʻaʻole he hāʻule.

A ʻo ka pinepine o kou koho ʻana i ka waiwai ma mua o ke ʻano manaʻo, ʻoi aku ka māmā. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hilinaʻi mau loa i ka mana makemake. Ke kūkulu nei ʻoe i kahi ʻano paʻamau. ʻO nā haneli mua o kāu puanaʻi ʻana ma mua o ka pane, he hana koʻikoʻi. Ma hope, hoʻomaka ka puanaʻi e ʻano like me ʻo wai ʻoe.

I ka wā he ʻoi aku ka naʻau ma mua o ke ʻano manaʻo

Aia kahi palena ʻoiaʻiʻo ma ʻaneʻi e kūpono ke kapa. He ʻakamai ke alakaʻi ʻana mai nā waiwai no nā naʻau o kēlā me kēia lā, nā hoʻonāukiuki a me nā piʻihau a me nā ʻauinalā ʻino a nā mea a pau e mālama ai. ʻAʻole ia he hoʻoponopono no nā naʻau i lilo i nui loa ke hoʻokele iā ʻoe iho.

Inā e ʻano like kou mau ʻano manaʻo me he mea lā ke hoʻokele nei iā lākou i kou ola ma mua o ke kipa wale ʻana, inā e hōʻino mau ka huhū, ka piʻihau, a i ʻole ke ʻano manaʻo haʻahaʻa i kou mau pilina a i ʻole kāu hana, a i ʻole inā e holo paʻa ʻoe i ka hapa nui o nā lā, ʻaʻole ia he pilikia waiwai a ʻaʻole e hoʻoponopono ka mana makemake. He mea kūpono ia e lawe i kahi kauka a i ʻole kahi mea lapaʻau noʻonoʻo, nāna e kōkua iā ʻoe e wehewehe i ka mea ma lalo. ʻAʻole he hōʻailona o ka hāʻule ka lalau ʻana i kēlā ʻano kākoʻo. ʻO ia kekahi o nā mea kūlike loa me ka waiwai e hiki ai i ke kanaka ke hana, no ka mea mālama ia i ka poʻe e hilinaʻi nei iā ʻoe me ke koʻikoʻi, a mālama ia iā ʻoe me ke koʻikoʻi.

ʻAʻole loa ka pahuhopu i ka naʻau ʻole. ʻO ka pahuhopu, ʻo ia ka hōʻoia ʻana i kou mau lā paʻakikī loa, ʻo ka mea e pane mai ʻo ʻoe nō.

Nā Kumu

• Harvard Business Review, Emotional Agility (Susan David and Christina Congleton)
• Harvard Business Publishing, From Emotional Triggers to Values-Based Leadership: A Practical Framework
• Cleveland Clinic, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)