Ke kau ʻana i nā palena me ka hewahewa ʻole

Aia kekahi naʻau e hahai ana i kekahi palena. Ua ʻōlelo hope ʻoe i ka mea. "ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke lawe i kēlā i kēia pule." "E hoʻi ana au i ka home i kēia manawa." "E ʻoluʻolu mai hāpai i kēlā i mua o nā keiki." A laila, ma kahi o ka hōʻoluʻolu, kau iho kekahi makaʻu liʻiliʻi. Pāʻani hou ʻoe iā ia. Noʻonoʻo ʻoe inā ʻoʻolea loa ʻoe. Kākau ʻoe i kekahi leka hoʻopalupalu āu e hoʻouna ʻole ai. Hōʻea koke ka hewahewa a hiki ke ʻano like me he hōʻike ua hana hewa ʻoe.

ʻAʻole. He ʻelua mea kūʻokoʻa ka hewahewa a me ka palena, a ʻo ke aʻo e haʻi iā lāua e hoʻololi i nā mea a pau no ke ʻano e hele ai kēia.

He laina wale nō ka palena e kaha ana i kahi e pau ai ʻoe a hoʻomaka kekahi ʻē. He hoʻoholo no kou ʻano hana ponoʻī, kou manawa, kou ikehu, kāu mea e lilo ai i ʻāpana a me kāu mea ʻole. ʻO ka mea a ka poʻe e hewa pinepine ai ʻo ka manaʻo ʻana he palena he ala e hoʻomalu i kekahi ʻē. ʻAʻole. Kau ka Cleveland Clinic iā ia me ka maʻemaʻe: ʻaʻole hoʻāʻo nā palena olakino i ka hoʻomalu ma luna o kekahi kanaka ʻē, hōʻike lākou i kou mau pono ponoʻī. ʻAʻole ʻoe e haʻi i kou kaikuahine pehea e ola ai. Ke haʻi nei ʻoe iā ia i kāu mea hiki a hiki ʻole ke hāʻawi i kēia manawa. He mau hana ʻokoʻa loa kēlā, a ʻo hoʻokahi wale nō ona nāu e hana.

Ke kumu e puka ai ka hewahewa

ʻO ka hewahewa, i kona ʻano pono, he hōʻailona ua uhaki ʻoe i kou mau waiwai ponoʻī, ua hōʻeha ʻoe i kekahi a uhaki i kekahi ʻōlelo hoʻohiki. He hōʻailona maikaʻi ia. ʻO ka pilikia hiki i ka hōʻailona ke uwea hewa. Hiki iā ia ke pana ʻaʻole no ka mea ua hana hewa ʻoe, akā no ka mea ua hana ʻoe i kekahi mea maʻa ʻole.

Inā ua ulu ʻoe i loko o kekahi home kahi ʻo kāu hana ka mālama i ka maluhia, a i ʻole ka heluhelu i ka lumi a hoʻokō i nā pono o nā mea a pau ma mua o kou pono ponoʻī, a laila hiki i ka ʻōlelo ʻana ʻaʻole ke ʻano me he hana hewa maoli ʻoiai ʻo ia ka mea olakino loa āu e hiki ke hana. Kau ka Mayo Clinic iā ia me ka maikaʻi: rastrea pinepine ka hewahewa i nā manaʻoʻiʻo wahaheʻe a kākou i loaʻa ai i ka wā kahiko, nā manaʻoʻiʻo e nakinaki mālie ai i ko kākou waiwai i ko kākou pono. ʻO ka manaʻo ma lalo o ka ʻāpuʻupuʻu he ʻano *pili kuʻu waiwai i kaʻu mea e hana ai no ka poʻe.* No laila i ka manawa e hoʻōki ai ʻoe i ka hana, ʻuā ka hōʻailona aia kou waiwai i ka pōʻino.

He mea kūpono e noho me kēlā no kekahi kekona, no ka mea hoʻokaʻawale hou ia i ka ʻike holoʻokoʻa. ʻAʻole kūkulu ʻia kou waiwai ma luna o kāu hana. ʻAʻole loaʻa ia kā kau kā kau, makana ma kā makana. Ke manaʻoʻiʻo maoli ʻoe iā ia, ʻoiai he liʻiliʻi, nalo kekahi o ka paʻa o ka hewahewa. Hoʻomaka ʻoe e lohe iā ia no kona ʻano. ʻAʻole he ʻōlelo hoʻopaʻi. He maʻa kahiko wale nō, e pana ana ma kona papa manawa.

Ke kumukūʻai o ke kaha ʻole i ka laina

Haʻi pinepine ka poʻe e paʻakikī me nā palena iā lākou iho he lokomaikaʻi lākou. I kekahi manawa, ʻo ia. Akā aia kekahi kumukūʻai i hūnā ʻia, a hōʻea pinepine ia a pau i ka manawa hoʻokahi.

Ke ʻae ʻoe i nā mea a pau, nele mālie ʻoe i ka mea āu i hoʻāʻo ai e hāʻawi. Lahilahi aʻe ʻoe, pōkole aʻe, naʻau pala aʻe. He pololei ka American Psychological Association no kahi e alakaʻi ai kēlā ala: ʻo ka nele i nā palena olakino he ala wikiwiki i ka hoʻoikaika nui, a ʻino aʻe ka poʻe i puhi ʻia i nā mea a pau, ma ka home a ma ka hana. Oi ka hoʻomākeʻaka. ʻO ka hāʻawi nui loa e hoʻāʻo nei e hana iā ʻoe i hoa pili a makua a hoa hana maikaʻi ʻo ia ka mea e waiho ai iā ʻoe ʻole me ka mea i koe e hāʻawi iā lākou.

Aia kekahi kumukūʻai pilina pū. ʻAʻole e nalo nā palena āu i ʻōlelo ʻole ai me ka leo nui. Hele lākou i lalo o ka honua a lilo i kūʻē. Hōʻea mau ʻoe, hana mau i ka mea, a hoʻomaka malū e mālama i ka helu. ʻO ke kanaka ʻē, ʻaʻole loa i ʻike he laina, ʻaʻole loaʻa iā ia ka ʻike ua hele ʻo ia ma luna ona. ʻO kekahi ʻaʻole maopopo, i hāʻawi mua ʻia a me ke aloha, e pale ʻoi aku i ka pilina ma mua o kekahi ʻae āu e kūʻē ai.

ʻAʻole he pā ka palena, ʻaʻole he ʻōlelo paʻa

ʻO kekahi ʻāpana e ʻano hewahewa ai nā palena he makaʻu mālie he hana ʻino lākou, ʻo ke kaha ʻana i kekahi he pani i kekahi a hoʻoweliweli iā lākou. He mea kūpono e hoʻokaʻawale i kēlā mau mea, no ka mea ʻaʻole lākou like.

Mālama kekahi pā i nā mea a pau i waho, i nā manawa a pau, ʻoiai ʻo wai lākou. ʻO ia ka mea a ka poʻe e kūkulu ai ma hope o ka hōʻeha nui ʻia a hoʻōki i ka ʻae i kekahi e kokoke. ʻOi aku ka pili o ka palena i kekahi puka āu e hoʻomalu ai. Koho ʻoe i ka mea e komo a me ka mea e noho i waho, a hiki iā ʻoe ke wehe iā ia no ka poʻe i loaʻa iā ia. ʻO ka pahuhopu o ka palena ʻo ka mālama iā ʻoe i pili palekana i ka poʻe, ʻaʻole ka mālama iā ʻoe mehameha.

ʻOkoʻa pū ka palena mai kekahi ʻōlelo paʻa, ʻoiai hiki iā lākou ke kani like. Pili ka ʻōlelo paʻa i ke ʻano hana o ka mea ʻē: *e hana i kēia a i ʻole.* Pili ka palena i kāu ponoʻī: *eia kaʻu mea e hana ai.* Hoʻāʻo ʻo ka "e hoʻōki i ka inu a i ʻole e haʻalele au" e hoʻomalu i ke koho o kekahi ʻē. Wehewehe ʻo ka "inā aia ka inu ma ka ʻaina ahiahi, e hoʻi mua au i ka home" i kāu mea e hana ai wale nō, a waiho i ka mea ʻē e hana i kāna koho ponoʻī. ʻO ia ka ʻokoʻa holoʻokoʻa, a ʻo ke kumu like a ka Cleveland Clinic e kuhikuhi ai ke ʻōlelo ʻo ia ʻo nā palena e hōʻike i kou mau pono ma kahi o ka hoʻomalu. ʻAʻole ʻoe e hāʻawi i nā kuhikuhi. Ke haʻi nei ʻoe i ka poʻe i ka mea e manaʻolana ai mai ʻoe mai. ʻO ia ke kumu e paʻa ai kekahi palena maoli ʻoiai ʻaʻole loa e hoʻololi ka mea ʻē. ʻAʻole ia e hilinaʻi iā lākou.

Pehea e kau ai i kekahi me ka ʻāpuʻupuʻu ʻole

ʻAʻole kēia a pau he manaʻo e ʻano anu nā palena a hōʻea maʻalahi. ʻAʻole, i ka mua. Akā aia kekahi ala e hana ai e mālama i ka laina a me ka pilina i ka manawa hoʻokahi.

1. E maopopo ma mua o kou ʻōlelo. ʻAʻole hiki iā ʻoe ke noi i ka mea āu i kapa ʻole ai. E hoʻolilo i kekahi manawa i ka pono maoli ma lalo o kou pane. He hoʻomaha nui aʻe paha? He hoʻololi liʻiliʻi loa o ka manawa hope? He ʻole hōʻeha ʻia i mua o ka lehulehu? Hele mua ka ʻike ponoʻī. ʻO ka maopopo o ʻoe iā ʻoe iho, ʻoi aku ka mālie o ʻoe me ka leo nui.
2. E mālama iā ia pōkole, a hana iā ia nāu. E ʻōlelo i ka palena ma ka ʻōlelo maʻalahi a pale i ka makemake e kanu iā ia i ʻelima paukū o ka hoʻopololei. "ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke hoʻokipa i kēia makahiki." He ʻōlelo piha kēlā. E hoʻohana i ka "au" ma kahi o ka "ʻoe" i hāʻule ia he ʻōlelo no ʻoe, ʻaʻole he hoʻopiʻi no lākou.
3. E ʻae i ka "ʻaʻole" e lilo i pane piha. ʻAʻole ʻoe ʻaiʻē i kekahi pale no ka pale ʻana i kou manawa a i ʻole kou maluhia. Kono ka wehewehe nui i ka kūkākūkā, a hōʻailona ia, ʻoiai iā ʻoe, manaʻo ʻoe pono ʻoe i ka ʻae. ʻAʻole.
4. E manaʻolana i kekahi pause ma mua o kou ʻōlelo. E kūkulu i hoʻokahi kekona ma waena o ke noi a me kāu pane. ʻO ka "e ʻae mai e nānā au a hoʻi mai" e kūʻai iā ʻoe i ke kahi e pane ai mai kou mau waiwai ma kahi o kou hana hoʻolealea.
5. E kū paʻa ke hoʻāʻo ʻia. E koʻokoʻo kekahi poʻe. He ʻike ia, ʻaʻole he kumu e hoʻi hope.

E pono kēlā kiko hope i kona manawa ponoʻī.

Ke koʻokoʻo kekahi i kūʻē

ʻAʻole kūpono kēlā me kēia kūʻē. He huakaʻi hewahewa kekahi, ka mea a ka Cleveland Clinic e wehewehe ai he kaomi naʻau hoʻopunipuni e hilinaʻi ana i kou manaʻo kuleana e hana ʻoe i ka mea a kekahi e makemake ai. E ʻike ʻoe i nā laina. "Ma hope o nā mea a pau aʻu i hana ai nou." "Manaʻo au e mālama au iā ia iho, e like me ka maʻa." "Inā mālama maoli ʻoe, e hana ʻoe."

Eia ka mea e mālama ai ke lohe ʻoe iā lākou. Ke hana nei ka huakaʻi hewahewa no ka mea ke hana nei ka palena. Kuhikuhi ʻia ke kaomi pololei i ka laina āu i kaha hope ai, ʻo ia ka manaʻo he maoli ka laina a hāʻule ia. Hiki iā ʻoe ke noho mahana a neʻe ʻole. ʻO kekahi mea e like me, "lohe au ua hoʻohōka ʻoe, a ʻaʻole loa hiki iaʻu ke hana i kēia," e ʻae i ke kanaka me ka hāʻawi ʻole i ke kūlana. ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e lanakila i ka hoʻopaʻapaʻa. Pono wale ʻoe e haʻalele ʻole iā ʻoe iho i loko ona.

Inā ke hoʻomau kekahi e holoi i ka palena like, hou a hou, ʻoiai ke aloha o kou mālama iā ia, he mea kūpono e nānā i kēlā ʻano. E mahalo ka mea e mahalo iā ʻoe i kāu ʻaʻole i ka hope. ʻO ka huakaʻi hewahewa hoʻomau he ʻano pane ponoʻī no ka pilina.

He aha ke kani maoli

ʻO ka hapanui o ka makaʻu ma mua o kekahi palena ʻo ka ʻole ʻike i nā ʻōlelo maoli. Ola ka laina i kou poʻo he kūʻē noe a weliweli. Ke loaʻa iā ʻoe kekahi ʻōlelo maoli i mākaukau, hoʻoliʻiliʻi ia. Eia ka mākau like ma kekahi mau lumi ʻokoʻa.

• Me kekahi makua e kāhea ana i ka manawa hana: "Aloha au i ke kamaʻilio me ʻoe. ʻAʻole hiki iaʻu ke lawe i ka lā, akā e kāhea hou aku au iā ʻoe i kēlā me kēia ahiahi." Ua kapa ʻoe i ka palena a hāʻawi i ka pilina i ka hanu hoʻokahi.
• Me kekahi hoaaloha e hoʻokahe ana no hoʻokahi hola i kēlā me kēia pō: "Makemake au e noho ʻaneʻi nou. Loaʻa iaʻu ma kahi o ʻumikūmālima minuke i kēia pō, a laila pono au e hele." ʻAʻole ʻoe e pani i ka puka, ke haʻi nei ʻoe iā lākou i kona mau hola.
• Me kekahi luna e hoʻopiha ana ma hope o ka hola: "Makemake au e hana maikaʻi i kēia. No ia, pono au e hoʻomaka iā ia i ke kakahiaka ʻapōpō ma kahi o kēia pō." E ʻike he hoʻolālā ʻia ia a puni ka hana, ʻaʻole he ʻōhumu.
• Me kekahi hoa pili e hōʻino ana iā ʻoe i mua o nā mea ʻē: "Inā kekahi mea e hoʻopilikia nei iā ʻoe, makemake maoli au e lohe iā ia. Pono iaʻu e kāua wale nō ʻelua, ʻaʻole i mua o nā hoaaloha."

ʻEhā pilina ʻokoʻa, hoʻokahi ʻano kaʻana. E kapa i ka palena, e mālama iā ia pōkole, a, ma kahi hiki, e kau i ka pilina ma kona ʻaoʻao i lohe ai ka mea ʻē aia ka palena i ka lawelawe o ka pilina, ʻaʻole he hoʻopaʻi nona. ʻAʻole ʻoe e manaʻo mau pēlā lokomaikaʻi i ka manawa, a pono kēlā. Hiki i nā ʻōlelo ke lawe i ka mahana ʻoiai e hahai mau ana kou ʻōnaehana aʻalolo.

E hoʻomaka liʻiliʻi, a e ahonui me ʻoe iho

ʻAʻole pono ʻoe e hoʻomaka me ke kanaka paʻakikī loa o kou ola. Like ia me ka hoʻoholo e ola maikaʻi ma ka hoʻāʻo i kekahi maratona i ka lā mua. E hoʻomaka ma kahi haʻahaʻa ke koʻikoʻi. E hōʻole i kekahi kono ʻaʻole ʻoe e makemake. E haʻi i kekahi hoaaloha hiki wale iā ʻoe ke kamaʻilio no ʻumi minuke. E ʻae i kekahi leka koke ʻole e kali a kakahiaka. ʻO kēlā me kēia palena liʻiliʻi e ola, me ka hāʻule ʻole o ka lani, e aʻo i kou ʻōnaehana aʻalolo i kekahi mea ʻaʻole i ʻike ai: hiki iā ʻoe ke hoʻohōka i kekahi a paʻa ka pilina.

A e ʻike i ka hewahewa me ka hoʻolohe ʻole iā ia. Hiki iā ʻoe ke ʻike i ka puʻupuʻu i kou ʻōpū a mālama i ka palena. ʻAʻole he kuhikuhi nā naʻau. Ma ka manawa, i kou ʻohi ʻana i ka hōʻike ʻo ka ʻōlelo ʻana ʻaʻole ʻaʻole iā ʻoe i kanaka ʻino, hemo ka puʻupuʻu iā ia iho. ʻAneʻane ʻaʻole loa ia e nalo loa, a ʻaʻole pono ia. Hoʻōki wale ʻoe i ka ʻae iā ia e koho i ke koho hoʻoholo.

ʻOi aku ka paʻakikī o kekahi palena ma mua o ka mea hiki i kekahi ʻatikala-pehea-e-hana ai ke hōʻea. Inā ʻaʻole palekana ka poʻe e hoʻāʻo ana i kou mau palena, inā e uku kēlā me kēia ʻaʻole ʻoi aku ma mua o kāu mea hiki ke uku, a i ʻole inā kaumaha loa ka hewahewa a ke hoʻokahe nei ia i kou hiamoe, kou makemake ʻai, a i ʻole kou manaʻo o ka mea ʻo wai ʻoe, he mea kūpono ia e lawe i kekahi kahuna lapaʻau. Hiki iā lākou ke kōkua iā ʻoe e rastrea i kahi i hoʻomaka ai kēia mau ʻano a kūkulu i nā mea hou ma kekahi māmā kūpono nou. ʻAʻole ʻo ka noi ʻana i kēlā kōkua he hāʻule e hana iā ʻoe iho. He palena ʻē aʻe ia, ka mea e ʻōlelo ai he kūpono kou pono i ke kākoʻo maoli.

Nā kumu

• Cleveland Clinic, How To Set Boundaries in Healthy Ways
• Cleveland Clinic, The Guilt Trip: Examples and How To Avoid It
• Mayo Clinic News Network, Mayo Clinic Q and A: Setting boundaries for your well-being
• American Psychological Association, The benefits of better boundaries in clinical practice